Thread: On the Origin of Pokemon: Chapter 1

Hey, guys, I wrote something not depressing or musical. Wheeee. This isn't fantastic but I liked the idea of having little sketchy things, so I did this. Hope you enjoy, even though it's not as, uh, dynamic (?) as some of my stories. Dunno if that's the right word, whatever.

Pokemon Capture: Tentacool
Needed Characters: 5000
Actual Characters: 5284


Today was my first day upon the HMS Growlithe. I have discovered that, unfortunately, I am quite prone to seasickness. I spent several hours hiding in my quarters before my stomach adjusted to the motion of the boat on the waves. Once I was brave enough to return to the outside of the ship, I was able to spot several Tentacool. The sailors were kind enough to haul one onto the deck, so that I could sketch and examine it.



I was very nervous. The Tentacool was the first wild Pokemon I have documented. All of my previous experience examining Pokemon took place in the university. It is hard to tell the sex of many water Pokemon, but I believe this one was a female, as it was more docile than most of the others in the water. It tried to grasp me with its tentacles several times, but restrained itself from using its water and poison based defense mechanisms. This took place only about thirty miles southeast of Vermillion. I spent the rest of the afternoon conversing with the crew, who tell stories about Pokemon I have never even heard of. I saw no more Pokemon and so after dinner, returned to my quarters. We are scheduled to stop at the port on Cinnabar Island tomorrow for supplies, before continuing on to the Sevii Isles. I am very excited, as I have not had a chance to venture outside of Kanto before.
~May 17th, 1831
Professor Maplewood


We made port this morning on Cinnabar Island at around ten o'clock. The Captain informed me that the ship would not be leaving until four o'clock that afternoon, so I set out to explore the small island. I must say, the constant smoking of the volcano in the distance both intrigued and frightened me, but I could make no arrangements to get much closer than the edge of the forest. The forest here is intimidating, dark and wild. I hiked in a short ways before becoming uncomfortable. Just as I was about to turn back towards the town, I saw what appeared to be a large construction site. Upon examining it closer, I saw that it was meant to be a mansion for the governor of Cinnabar Island! I saw no workmen so I decided to explore the property. While the building site itself was quite dull, I did find one interesting thing: a small burrow where the building met the forest. After waiting nearby it for a short while, I saw several Vulpix pups curiously sniffing outside the entrance, before darting back in. I attempted to draw one particularly brave male who scented me and kept poking his head out to stare at me.



After sketching him, I realized the sun was growing low in the sky, and I hurried back to the ship. I was reluctant to leave the island, as it has several unique habitats that I would have liked to explore better. However, the Captain assured me that we were going to venture to even more amazing places, and then invited me to dinner in his quarters. Now would be a good time to describe the Captain: he is a large man, a little like a very jolly Ursaring. He seems to enjoy his drink, but is not a drunkard, as he is a very brave and adept captain. His quarters were quite plain, but very clean. Luckily for me, he appears to be friendly and interested in my research. We discussed possible destinations, and places as far flung as Hoenn and Sinnoh came up! I returned to my quarters tonight with the greatest excitement.
~May 18th, 1831
Professor Maplewood


I was quite amazed when I awoke this morning to the sight of Knot Island. I had sleepily climbed up the stairs in my quarters and out onto the deck. The huge volcano, at least four times the size of the one on Cinnabar, which dominated the horizon, left me with my mouth wide open. One of the crew, a younger man named Jonathan, informed me that I had missed our brief stop in the only town on the island, and that we were now headed to Mt. Ember. I was so entranced with the volcano, I spent the entire two hour trip to the shore standing on the deck, watching us come closer and closer.

After we docked, I began to search for soil samples in order to see what kinds of nutrients were present. I had heard that the Bellsprout family was present on this island and was curious to know what differences might exist between it and the subspecies on the mainland of Kanto. As I was gathering bags of sand and dirt, I accidentally bumped into a small creature.

"Ma-chop," it said to me. It seemed unafraid of me but when I took out my sketchbook and pencil it hissed and backed away, so I placed them back in my bag.

To the best of my recollection, the Pokemon (which I identified as a Machop) was child-sized and a pea green color. It appeared almost like a cross between a mammal and reptile. On its head was a yellowish crest, which would probably change as it evolved to attract a mate. Its muscles, especially in its arms were large and I could tell at first glance it was a powerful Pokemon. After a moment, it got bored of me and began to pick fruit from a nearby bush.

I watched it eat fruit for a while before it wandered away. I continued collecting my samples and also gathered a few of the fruit the Machop was eating for further analyzation. Then I returned to the ship for the night and told the captain of my discoveries. He in turn told me stories of the Machop he had had as a small child.
~May 20th, 1831
Professor Maplewood

Claiming. I'll see what I can do today

Introduction: This seemed kinda rushed in my opinion. It seems the scene immediately cuts to our Professor Maplewood on a boat in the middle of the ocean heading for Cinnabar island. Now obviously, since it's a journal entry, there isn't really a lot of recap you can do, but there are some solutions. Maybe throw in a little of what they did yesterday, describing how his seasickness manifested itself the day before, or even making him wonder "Why am I here again?" to give us the reason he's on this journey in the first place. Just need a little something to grasp


Plot: Ok, so a summary of this plot would be Professor Maplewood is on a journey to study Pokemon. He finds a Tentacool and gets to sketch it. Then, they go to the Cinnabar Island and find a construction site featuring some Vulpix pups. Following that, the boat goes to the Sevii Isles and encounters a Machop, which doesn't like the idea of being sketched.

Since this plot involved journal endings, I could forgive the abrupt ending. In addition, I see you are making this a chapter story so again, it's acceptable. This perspective is very unique in my opinion. Describing something from a journal or diary makes the speaker tell the story on his own and from what he saw. Though this may make it sound like it's one-sided, I could actually connect with the author's feelings more this way.

However, this plot was abrupt in most places. First of all, how much of the story involved your target Pokemon? I estimate about 1/3 of the story. Tentacool appeared very breifly, and I felt it wasn't at the exact center of your story. Maybe elaborating a little more on what Tentacool was like or how it acted around Professor Maplewood would have helped with the strength of the plot.


Dialogue: There wasn't much to discuss here. Since it's a journal, it kinda has to be a monologue. The monologue was fitting in this case so nice work.


Details: The sketches of the Pokemon were very nicely done. Sometimes, nothing works better than a picture. The pictures didn't feel out of place either since it was a journal. Overall for a simple story, this part was very well done. Good work.


Grammar: I spotted a couple of errors in your story. They weren't huge though

but restrained itself from using its water and poison based defense mechanisms

You need a hyphen after water and poison. It should read water- and poison-based.

The forest here is intimidating, dark and wild

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you need a comma after dark since it's more than 2 adjectives.

I saw no workmen so I decided to explore the property.

"so" is a coordinating conjunction in this case, therefore it would need a comma before it.

His quarters were quite plain, but very clean.

A comma was not necessary here since it's not separating an independent clause.

Its muscles, especially in its arms were large and I could tell at first glance it was a powerful Pokemon

Two things were needed here. "Arms" needed a comma after it cause it was setting off the phrase. Also, "and" needed a comma before it since it's separating two independent clauses.

Your grammar is ok other than those sentences. It's mostly just little things so there wasn't much of an issue here.


Reality: It's a guy sketching Pokemon. Nothing unusual here.


Outcome:

This was a good story, and the concept of a journal seemed very interesting, but ultimately, I don't feel Tentacool was involved enough to get it. Tentacool not captured!!! Get more stuff on Tentacool and then PM/VM/IM me for a regrade.

Sorry, Webby, but I'm going to have to overturn your grade from a capture to a failed. Reason being is that the story is good enough for a Simple Pokemon, it was just the involvement that was the issue. While Pokemon don't have to be battled anymore and they don't have to have be the center of the plot, they do have to have some part in the story. Since Tentacool is a Simple Pokemon, its slight mention was okay. If it was a Medium Pokemon then yes, it would have to have a more active role, and the role of the Pokemon should be more important the higher the rank.

- Kat