26th April 2011, 01:37 PM #1
Hotter than you.
One Splash at a Time
My father and I walked onto his Lapras. The points on her rock hard shell made the ride even more uncomfortable. We would be going on a fishing trip; it would be our first one in years. Now that I had my trainer's liscense I had decided there would be no more catch and release. I would be battling or capturing whatever happened to tug on my line. We sped far into the ocean we pulled out our rods and casted them. We sat for hours pulling in tons of Magikarp, Tentacool, and the occasional Remoraid. I battled all of them with my Gastly. I didn't bother to catch any of them. The Magikarps just splashed, the Tentalcools did nothing but poison sting, and the Remoraids swam away as soon as they saw Gastly.
We started to get extremely bored; nothing exciting had happened the entire day. We continued to fish hoping to cacth something big. "Look over there!" I shouted as I pointed towards a a large snake like shadow beneath the water heading straight for us. A huge, blue sea serpent blasted through the water in front of us, soaking us with an enormous wave. It was a Gyarados, the most feared Pokemon of the sea. A pack of Magikarp followed in suit doing the same exact thing behind the Gyarados.
"Logan, you take some of the Magikarp and I'll fight the Gyarados," directed my father. He released his Tropius and jumped onto him. I released my Gastly out of its pokeball in a flash of white light. One of the Magikarp rushed forward, stopping right in front of Lapras's shell. It's dorsal fins were larger than the other's. It was probably the leader.
"Gastly, Sucker Punch!" I ordered as Gastly phased into the air and reappeared behind the Magikarp. The Magikarp quickly turned around and flailed its tail underwater forcing water up at Gastly. It jumped into the air attempting to tackle Gastly but only phased through him. "Gastly use Sucker Pulse!" I ordered as Gastly once again phased into the air and reappeared behind the Magikarp. He blasted a beam of dark purple energy at the Magikarp blasting it underwater. It winced in pain and blasted back through the water and flailed water at Gastly distracting him. It jumped out of the water and tackled Gastly while he was distracted. Gastly was knocked back, but quickly rushed forward. "Now, Hypnosis!" I shouted as Gastly fired series of cicles from his eyes causing Magikarp to become drowsy. It struggled to stay awake, and gave in. It floated to the top of the water asleep. "Time to catch it," I declared as I pulled a pokeball out of my bag and threw it at it pulling it inside. THe ball floated on the top of the water shaking every few seconds. It then clicked signaling the capture. I reached into the water accidentally falling in. I grabbed the ball and climbed back onto Lapras with an annoyed expression on my face. Gastly laughed as I sat down frustrated and embarassed.
"Now Leaf Storm!" shouted a voice I recognised as my father's. I looked up into the sky to see my father still flying on mt Tropius as its wings glowed green and fired two spirals of leaves at the Gyarados. The attack brought down the Gyarados causing a huge tidal wave to crash over the still laughing Gastly and me. Gastly stopped laughing and phased back into his pokeball. My father flew back down and returned Lapras. I climbed onto Tropius behind him as we flew home with my new pokemon on my belt.
14th June 2011, 10:26 PM #2
Re: One Splash at a Time
Well, there wasn’t much of one to be completely honest. You didn’t give me much besides you went out into the ocean on Lapras; which is, to be honest, better than most Magikarp stories. It is out of the norm, but I would’ve liked a little more still. Yes this is just a Magikarp but I still want something. The battle simply cannot be ¾ of the story.
Things just happened out of the blue too. Why did the Gyarados coming charging in a blind rage? What did you and your father do to make it so angry? You see where I’m going with this? Give me something more than things happening.
Think about it like this: stories are not a summary of what happened they are a recipe. A recipe gives you exactly what to do in each step and why. So for each part of your story give me exactly what happened and why.
To begin with I noticed you didn’t put this bad boy through any kind of spell checker. That is a good place to begin with when flushing any mistakes out of your final product.
I’ll start with the simple stuff. Anything that is related to Pokémon at all should be capitalized, you did this for the most part but you missed out on a few words here and there. Just make sure you don’t forget to do this. The other thing is that the names of Pokémon are already plural so you do not need to add an ‘s’ to the end of them to make them plural, in this case you said “Tentacools” when you can just leave it as “Tentacool”.
Now onto the tricky stuff! Well, only one thing really. Your use of “its” and “it’s” is wrong, which is understandable because it is the only exception to the apostrophe s (‘s) being possessive rule. Here is a good place to look if you get confused: Grammar Gripes
Good, I suppose. Could easily be longer though.
The only detail you had in this story was the attacks during the battle, to be frank. That won’t get you much of anywhere in writing. With a lack of detail the story is very dull and boring. Think about it, what am I supposed to think of anything when I don’t know what you’re thinking? I can assume the ocean is sparkly and bright and happy, but I don’t know that for sure. Any simple description can work. Giving a simple little description to each character works. Even just telling me “My dad’s muscle bulged in his shirt, making him look like a bodybuilder” is giving me something, now I can sort of picture the father as Arnold S. or something.
Detail really gives the story a tone too, which can make the story that much more interesting. Now, I’m not talking about just physical description but emotional detail. That can be saved for after you’ve got done the initial physical characteristics of everything, though.
Don’t forget that you should not only describe characters, you should also include the surroundings; ocean, grass, trees, buildings, whatever there is.
And one last thing, pretend we’re not playing a Pokémon game. Pretend I have no idea what a Pokémon is. Tell me what they look like.
This is the part you excelled in, even if it was quite short. :P Although that is fine for a simple Magikarp. If you do end up writing more make sure you add in a longer battle and more interesting details on what the attacks look like.
Other that that you are good on this road.
This story was quite all right for a first, while you did lack quite a bit. For now, I’m going to have to say Magikarp not capture! If you do want Magikarp add in detail on what the trainer and his dad look like, then you can have all the Magikarp you want.
24th June 2011, 03:05 PM #3
Re: One Splash at a Time
Well, there are some things I would like to mention. First off, some people follow the "Pokemon names are plural" while others feels they need to add some kind of plural suffix. The choice is the author's, and as long as they stick to one method, it's good.
After reading over the story and the grade, I would like to overturn the grade by saying, Magikarp captured! It takes a lot to fail a story for an Easiest Pokemon, and while I agree the story needs polishing it's good enough for a Magikarp. Typos were few, repeated grammar mistakes only one, the plot was solid enough, and the battle was actually above-average for a Magikarp.
Enjoy your Magikarp, bpj1999, but do take Jr's advice into account. Though I did not agree with his final verdict, his advice is sound and will surely help you for harder catches.
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