Once in a Mawile

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    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Once in a Mawile

    "Oh, what a pretty little Pokemon!" a voice squeeled through the dirty glass. "Can I touch it," the female voice added as two pudgy hands pressed against the glass.

    The Mawile glanced up at the visitor before returning to it's food gloomily. Ever since arriving at the zoo a year earlier it had been miserable. It dreamed of freedom, of wide open spaces, and most importantly, it's family. There was a horrible screeching sound as a man in a familiar, muddy brown zoo uniform slid open the glass casing.

    There it was. The Mawile's chance for freedom. The sun shone into the dark, covered cage and warmed up the Mawile. She basked momentarily in the sun's golden rays before a hand shot through the hole of the cage. She cowered backwards and retreated a few steps, until her dainty, dark-yellow body bumped into the other side of the glass. The imposing hand pushed forward, until it reached her tiny waist, and wrapped around ber tightly. She cringed slightly as the powerful hand squeezed the breath out of her. Her purple eyes filled with warm, salty tears that threatened to spill onto the dry straw beneath her.

    As the hand squished the Mawile, her alter-ego, the side that resided in the huge midnight-black jaw, snapped from it's limp, near-dead appearence into attention. This was an instinctive part of Mawile's being. Whenever hurt or threatened, it would thrash around wildly in an attempt to scare away any foes. Unfortunately for the Mawile, the staff at this particular zoo had grown accustomed to this agressive side of Mawile and a pointed needle pressed sharply into her large, vulgar jaw. The serene blue liquid drained from the needle into the Mawile's jaw, forcing it into a calm, relaxed state almost immediaty.

    Mawile lifted her small, black head and looked at the two humans staring at her. The first human was the zoo keeper she regularly saw. He had short, spiked chestnut brown hair and matching hazel eyes. He had a rather long, pointy nose that stood out like a sore thumb. He wore thick-rimmed spectacles that contrasted greatly with his pale, freckle-covered skin. Mawile saw him quite frequently and had learned that he was one of the nicer keepers, although he was quite rough whether he realised it or not.

    The other human had a pretty face. She had long flowing, blonde hair that was tied up into one long plait with a cherry-red bobin. She had wide, milky blue eyes that were filled with happiness. The girl appeared to be quite small as she only reached the zoo keeper's shoulders when she stood up straight. She extended a tentative hand and stroked the Mawile's rough head. She smiled sweetly as she did so, revealing rows of pearly white teeth. The Mawile purred affectionately in response.

    "I've decided now. I'll take it!" the girl chimed.

    "You can't just decide that you will take it. This Mawile is part of an endangered species little girl," the worker said in a patronising manner.

    "You obviously don't realise who my Dadddy is," she replied confidently.

    "It doesn't matter who your father is. The Pokemon is not for sale. I'm serious little lady," he said with an air of definity.

    The girl lowered her head back and let out an ear-splitting scream. The Mawile blocked it's ears with it's dark, four-fingered hands. It was clear that the Mawile disliked the high-pitched wail. The keeper noticed this and gave the spoilt little girl one final warning.

    "You either leave now or I'll call security."

    "Ugh! This won't be the last you'll hear from me," she screeched before storming off towards the entrance and exit gates.

    "Some people," the keeper muttered before placing the three-foot tall Steel type back in it's isolated cage.

    ¤*¤

    The Mawile's eyes snapped open as she stared out into the inky-black night sky. There was a scraping noise from the other side of the double-glazed glass. Thew noise stopped suddenly and was replaced by the incessant thumping sound of the Mawile's heart banging against her chest. She drew one deep breath and edged a little forward.

    She pressed her face against the glass and peered outside to be greeted by the familiar sight of the zoo. Neatly trimmed, blight green shrubs lined the gravel path, leading up to her cage. The iron gate, that was usually locked at night, was wide open. A broken, padlock lay on the ground. Mawile took a deep breath, fear gripping at her heart.

    A face pressed up against the glass and gave Mawile a false, yellow-toothed smile. The man had stone-cold grey eyes that frightened Mawile. Mawile's own beady, coal-black eyes shone with fear.

    "Hello, pretty little Pokemon," the man taunted, adjusting his black, woolen hat. "I'm going to take you away from these mean zoo keepers. You would like that now wouldn't you?" He grabbed the Mawile's head and tilted it up and down. "Of course you would, my pretty! Now, be a good little Pokemon and get in this here bag," he said, brandishing a black bag and holding it up in front of the Mawile.

    The man advanced. That toothy grin still spashed onto his young face. He shoved the black bag into her face and she raised her little hand and slashed down through the bag with her sharp, razor-like claws. Her hand tore right through it creating an opening. A glimpse of freedom! In a burst of speed Mawile shoved her nimble body through the gap in the flimsy material. It jumpt off of the prestine ledge below and landed on the soft, rustling grass below. The man turned around as the Mawile ran from the grass to the pebbles. She hopped over the pebbles, the taste of freedom in her mouth.

    There was a shout from behind as the man hurled a traditional red-and-white standard Pokeball into the air. There was a flash of brilliant crimson light as a Pokemon emerged from the thief's Pokeball. A Murkrow materialised just behind the Mawile. It's yolk-yellow beaks and legs, aswell as the blood red eyes were the only things keeping it from camouflaging with the matching black, night sky. The Murkrow gave a squawk as it watched the Mawile plow ahead.

    "Get it now!" the man ordered to his fateful Pokemon. "Fury Attack!" the man added as the Murkrow rose up into the air. The Murkrow hurtled towards the sprinying Mawile. As soon as the Murkrow reached Mawile it opened it's beak wide, cawed, closed it's beak and sped into the Mawile, spinning as it hurtled downwards. The momentum from the Murkrow spinning around brought enough power to it's beak, which rammed into the Mawile's back, sending it flying and landing on the stones below.

    "Maaaahhhh, WILE!" It roared as it spun around.

    Mawile closed it's eyes and sent some powerf energy down into several of the larger stones below. The stones twitched and rose up from the ground, hovering right in front of the Murkrow. All at once they soared forward until they struck the startled bird, knocking it to the hard ground below.

    "Watch out for that Ancient Power. Use your Dark Pulse!"

    The Murkrow opened it's beak up wide and it began spitting out black liquid. The droplets merged together, forming a ball of swirling black energy. The ball grew larger and larger even aftee it was around the same size as the Murkrow's head. The sphere stopped spinning and lunged at the Mawile.

    At the same time Mawile had been creating it's own ball of energy. This one was a lighter, dull, grey colour. The Shadow Ball was almost the exact same size as the Murkrow's and it too, shot through the air. The two ballz of energy collided mid-air, creating a powerful force. The force hit the two opposing Pokemon, knocking them back a little.

    Mawile's coal-like eyes twinkled with delight. This was the most fun she had had in so long. Even if she didn't escape she knew this would be one of the most memorable moments of her short-lived life. The Mawile tore towards the Murkrow, rear jaw snapping viciously. The pointed teeth glistened as sparks of electricity hopped around it's secondary mouth, preparing for it's Thunder Fang attack. Then, as the moment arrived, Mawile jumped up high, spun around and it's rear jaw clamped onto one of the Murkrow's wings. Murkrow gave a startled cry as the jaw clamped around it's wing and as the jolt of electricity shot through it's body.

    The weight of the Mawile proved too much for the Murkrow and it came crashing to the ground. Mawile let go so that it's landing would be perfectly executed. Mawile landed gracefully as the shaken Murkrow twitched, and then went still. Mawile advanced a little, wondering whether the Murkrow was still conscious. She looked down and studied the Dark, Flying type.

    "KROW!" the Murkrow screamed as he leaped up and slashed Mawile in the face with it's outstretched wing

    "Finally, you did something right. Hurry up and defeat it!" the man shouted.

    The Mawile's paws rose up and dabbed at her fresh cut. Droplets of blood clung to her soft paws. She almost fainted at the sight of the crimson liquid. Mawile turned to the Murkrow, who was readying itself for another assualt. Mawile opened it's mouth, revealing a ball of blue, cackling electricity. Murkrow shot forward, wings shining a metallic silver colour, ready.to strike. Mawile shot out the Charge Beam with a nasty smile. Murkrow swerved to the right, avoiding the attack. The Murkrow turned back around ready to crash into Mawile. Mawile tensed up tight and used it's Iron Defense attack. She closed her eyes in concentration and curled up into a ball. Murkrow crashed head first into Mawile creating a horrific clashing sound. The Murkrow crumpled up as it fell to the ground. Mawile pressed it's soft, yellow paws against it's head in an attempt to drown out the ringing sound in it's ear.

    Mawile glanced down at the Murkrow. One of it's wings were bent at an awkward, and presumably painful, angle. It's long black feathers were ruffled up. Mawile watched as it's chest rose and fell slowly. Mawile gave a relaxed smile as she realised that Murkrow was down for the count, for real thiis time. The man swore viciously and kicked at a nearby potted plant. His head snapped up as he realised that not all hope was lost. He had a sickeningly sinister smile on his face as he advanced. The Mawile backed up, cornering herself against a low, stone wall. She spotted a small purple instrument im the corner of her eye. The sprinkler! If she could set it off an alarm would be raised and she would be safe!

    She clicked her fingers and a small ball of flames burst into life, hovering just above her hand. She took one large gulp of air and exhaled. Her breath spread the fire, creating a flamethrower, that torched the stones below. Almost instantly, a torrent of water shot out of the sprinkler, drenching the intruder and the Pokemon. Immediately afterwards an alarm wailed and bright floodlights illuminated the surrounding area. The burglar froze when he realised that he was trapped.

    ¤*¤

    The minutes that followed have been the best of Mawile's life. She had been wrapped in a warm, fluffy towel and fed hot chocolate. All of the on-duty staff commented on how brave she was and pamperred her as though she was a princess or of royal blood.

    Maybe I should get kidnapped more often Mawile thought as she was snuggled into a warm blanket on a staff members lap.
    Last edited by Synthesis; 30th October 2010 at 08:44 AM.

  2. #2
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Once in a Mawile

    Intended Capture: Mawile
    Req. CC: 10-20k
    Actual CC: Somewhere between 10 and 20k

  3. #3
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: Once in a Mawile

    Claimed for grading!
    My Stats Page

    The Light Story
    The Shadowed Story

    The Dark Story

    A Glimpse of the Future


    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his FFA winnings??"
    "They're OVER 9000!!!"

  4. #4
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: Once in a Mawile

    Introduction, Characters, Backstory: As this is a short story, the introduction can get away with being minimalistic. In fact, the short intro lends a lot to the atmosphere of the story, getting across that the Mawile (from whose point of view the story is told) is rather young.


    Plot Content, Plot Flow: A Mawile living in rather poor conditions in a zoo has an adventure when a spoiled girl's father('s goons?) try to kidnap her and she fights them off. The plotline of this story could have done with maybe a bit greater complexity, given that you only just exceeded the lower character limit for a Medium catch. But the concept is good, and the fact that you're in the suggested range means I can't really complain. I just would've liked to see more. =)


    Grammar, Sentence Flow: I notice you switched between 'it' and 'she' a lot when referring to the main character Mawile. I think 'she' is the better choice, but there's a case for either pronoun. My advice would be to pick one and stick with it, rather than vascillating over the course of the story.
    Also, there was a particular sentence fragment that stuck out like a sore thumb:
    Quote Originally Posted by Synthesis
    The man advanced. That toothy grin still spashed onto his young face.
    A comma and lack of a capital letter on 'that' would do better here. If you want to use 'splashed,' the more usual end to that kind of phrase is 'splashed across,' not 'splashed onto.' Hence, "The man advanced, (with) that toothy grin still splashed across his young face."
    Aside from that, there wasn't much in the way of errors, and you used enough adjectives that none of your sentences seemed particularly boring.


    Detail, Description: Not bad. I like how you at least described Mawile and then, later on, the zoo area outside her cage. There isn't more than one scene used in this story, so you got away with not having to do too much description. =P


    Battles: The battle is where your story really shone. I thought the descriptions of the attacks, and the way the battle was 'choreographed,' made the difference between a mediocre story and one that genuinely succeeds at building up to a dramatic, action-based climax. With a story this short, it's completely allowable to have most of the story aimed at setting up for the battle, rather than establishing the world and cast of characters.

    Character Count: 11,218. As I mentioned, a bit on the short side, but within the suggested limits. I guess I just wanted the story not to end, which is a good sign.

    Overall: This story's strength lies in the fact that most of it seems to exist solely to provide a solid lead-up to the battle and its somewhat heartwarming aftermath. If that climactic battle had been a disappointment, so would the story; however, I thought it lived up to expectations, so, good job, Synth.


    Result:
    Mawile: Caught.
    My Stats Page

    The Light Story
    The Shadowed Story

    The Dark Story

    A Glimpse of the Future


    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his FFA winnings??"
    "They're OVER 9000!!!"

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