(NWC) Vs Shellos by sennyo

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    YEAH TOAST Sennyo's Avatar
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    Default (NWC) Vs Shellos by sennyo

    Shellos. The Sea Slug Pokémon. Its shape and coloration vary, depending on its habitat that it live in. So far, only two varieties of Shellos have been identified in Sinnoh. One of these forms is a pink version found in the western seas. On it head is a crown of pink knobs arranged almost like a flower. The body contains a white underbelly and many small spike-like protrusions on its back. The second from of Shellos is blue with two White tipped horns on the top of it head. This Shellos has a green underbelly and two flap- like protrusions on its back. This Shellos from is found manly in the Eastern sea of Sinnoh. An Entry written in the diary of a group known as the collectors.

    It Was Late. Very late, and a whole shipment of Shellos were arriving at the Abandoned Docks long since forgotten by unwanted guest that were in the area. The Dockmaster; A rather old man, with a long messy white beard, a bald wrinkled head and most likely of Chinese origin; shined his lantern to see the name of the ship with the question cargo on board. Scratched and covered in sea weed that must have floated in the sea, the title of the ship shined as bright as a woman conditioned hair when she emerges from under water. Her name was the S. S. Scylla. The Dockmaster look at his list and nodded. This was the right ship it seemed. He signalled to the sailors on the Scylla giving them permission to place the crates of Pokémon into the warehouse. Then before turning away he chucked something to the nearest sailor. It was the needed keys to unlock the gigantic rusted steel door. The Dockmaster sighed, he hated his job, but the pay was too good and these dock had been watched by his family for years. Any problems with morals that he had were never going to move him. So the Shellos shipment was to continue its path into the warehouse. As the last crate entered and the doors were beginning shut, the Dockmaster, the sailors and the Pokémon living in the natural wild could hear many faint Screams.

    Now we welcome the Protagonists of this story, The Hero. He walks into the bar lounge onboard the Luxury cruise ship known as Anne. He stand there Tall and Proud, with straight and short glistening black hair, while wearing a tailor made suit, black tie, white shirt, black like the night sky blazer. His face contains an award winning smile that lays right under the prefect nose; a nose that was not too long, nor too short; a nose that was too thin, nor too wide; and a nose that was neither too pointy nor too blunt. Above his nose were his crystal blue eyes, a pair of eyes that seem to be so empty, as if our hero had seen too much, done too much and no longer cared about anything. They were the pair of eyes that would show that the man had lost his soul. A young adult girl, around 17 or 18 years of age, walks past The Hero, looking at him straight in the face while wearing a lustful look at him. The hero pretends not to not to notice the girl’s flirting and overpowering appearance, a small almost see-through golden dress laying perfectly over her hourglass figure and white laced underwear. He rushes his right hand threw his hair and wait for the girl to turn around before quickly tapping her on her bottom. She seemed to jump into the air and then ran off giggling to herself. The hero now please with the results he got, heads to the bar and sits down next to a man who had been watching him since he enter the lounge. The man was a rather well built person although he was also a bit cubby. He had really tanned skin and was rather bald on his head. What really made his man stand out was the Scar he wore permanently across the left side of his head with goes past his half bitten ear and toward his neck, yet never reaching it. If the Scar didn’t get your attention when in a crowd the clothing he was wearing would have, it was a Lime green suit and tie alongside a dull blood red shirt. The green suit man turn to acknowledge the hero then went back to his drink.

    “I will have two glasses of Sake for me and my friend," the hero said to the barmaid. She looked at the green suit man next to the hero and notices him already drinking a brandy with ice. She went to get the drinks anyway and when she came back the hero took both and started to drink. The barmaid coughed to get the hero’s attention. “Oh yes, I have to pay don’t I. Well have a hundred for the drinks and kept the change. Why don’t you by a nice skirt and some underwear to go with it. Then hear my suit key, why don’t we go there and I will help you take those old one off your body there,” the hero flirted.
    The woman giggled which made the green suit guy sigh. The hero flirting always seemed to work on women. The barmaid finally stops her fit of small girlish laughter and addressed the hero. “Sir I'm sorry I can’t I mean you’re a bad, bad boy aren’t you.”
    “You got me there,” the hero replied, and with that the barmaid walks off still giggling with money in her hands. The hero then finished one of the small glasses of Sake and started on the second, he turn to speak to the Green suit man. “I see you haven’t done anything about your Appearance,” the hero joked. The green suit man growled, he hated comment about his scar, something that the hero knew. “Hadn’t your wife told you to throw that suit out, I mean it awful looking,” the hero said to finish his first remark
    “I know that was a shot at my scar, you can’t lie to me,” said the Green suit man in his deep rough voice.
    “Yer your right it was a shoot but a very good one at that.” The hero couldn’t help but laugh and his brought a grin on the green suit man face. “So what job to you have for me?” the hero said seriously.
    “We believe we have found the hidden storage facility that is being used by the Collectors to store Pokémon and before you ask that dose mean the capture of the S.S.Scylla was a success.” the Green suit man had a very proud smile on his face as if to prove the hero wrong, sure enough the hero pulled a fiver out of his pocket to pay up the bet he had. The general then continued his speech. “We have a group of marines who are willing to infiltrate the facility.”
    “And that why I'm here is it?” questioned the hero.
    “Yes we were told you were the best”.
    “Thank you, you flatter me General,” the Hero sarcastically replied to the general comment, making the general growl. The hero finished his second drink and spun round in his chair. At the far end of the room a waiter for the bar was carrying a tray of drinks. What the waiter had failed to notice however was the bag that lay on the fall. As the waiter started to fall the hero hand went straight to his left pocket, and drew a converted firearm. The gun had a rather large barrel with held within it a small ball sized object. It had taken the hero one second to fire the small ball like object out of the Gun from when it was drawn. It to another second for the small ball like object to grow in size and it was only then that the people of the bar had notice the hero had a fire arm and that the waiter was falling down. By the time the people of the had notice the black shaped orb that had fired from the gun it had landed near the waiter and had opened into a glowing light, that successfully caught the about to launch into the air tray from the waiter. By the time the light had vanish and the waiter had hit the floor, the Pokémon had had appeared out of the orb could be seen serving the saved waiters drink to the three rather drunk woman. The hero Pokémon was a rather uncommon Pokémon and was rare for its own kind. It had four paws with two used as hand and two used as feet. It also had a small tail too help it keep it balance; however there were two major features that helps identify it. The first was the rather large bone he held in this left hand. A bone that was currently begin used to help the fallen waiter get back up to his feet. The second main feature was his face, or the fact none had ever seen it due to a giant skull over it face. It was also had green fur making it shiny.
    The hero got out of his seat and left a small piece of paper for the Barmaid. The general also got up and saw that to note said the word “my offer still stands,” he sigh and turned to the hero.
    “How did you know he was going to fall over,” the general asked.
    The hero turned around and smiled, “you said I was the best.”

    The hero stood outside in the dew covered grass under the cloak of the dusk before dawn. There were four other Marines standing by as well as the General who had decided to accompany them on this mission the Marines all stood tall and at attention wearing military helmets and camouflage uniform, the general was also in the same getup as the troop but while they each carried rifles strap on their back and one or two pokéball each, the general carried just a small pistol. He had refused to carry another after his beloved Sandslash had died almost three years ago. The hero had decided to dress the complete opposite and was dress in a pure black suit with night vision glasses and black glove. He was carrying the weapon he used back in the bar, loaded with his green Cubone black pokéball inside. In one of his pockets remained some empty black pokéball. The General nodded and with two marines took off in one direction. The hero and the others took off in the other. The siege of the abandoned warehouse had started

    The Dockmaster marched up and down by the entrance of the warehouse uneasy; something was bad to happen he knew it. Then something caught his eye he held his lantern to sky to try and see what it was. A small bullets shot right through, shattering glass all over the place. The Dockmaster hand went straight to the pokéball on his side before the Dockmaster looked up again. A third shot had been fired from the man in a black suit. All the Dockmaster could think was that he was dead, but he wasn’t, he didn’t understand, the suited man had shoot him hadn’t he? The Dockmaster held out the Red and white orb that he carried and pointed it at the oncoming opponents. Then he realised what the Hero had done. Up ahead the hero’s Cubone appeared out of a burst of light, chucking his bone weapon as a boomerang at the Dockmaster. The bone mad contact with it target knocking the pokéball out of his hand and shattering the opening mechanism. The bone returned to the Cubone and the Dockmaster found himself faced to face with the mariners gun barrels. The Cubone walked right up to the Dockmaster and took the Keys he had off of his belt. Then he proceeded towards the hero, handing him the keys. The hero and Cubone proceeded to the warehouse get that was the last thing the Dockmaster saw that day after the marine used the gun to know him out round the back of the head.

    The hero turned the key in the gate and opened it, the smell of rot and decay rushed outside the building with the smell of burning and Manure, this was obliviously the place as the smell was so evil. The hero began to walk further in the facility, the more he walk the greater the horror that he saw, horde of crates laid intact full of Pokémon squirming and moving in what little space they could find. He could tell the Pokémon hadn’t been fed for over weeks and most lack any energy to fight now. The hero took his Cubone bone for a moment and used it to rip off the side of one of the cages, Shellos after Shellos fell out and most failed to move again.
    “Open every Create and every cage you find!” ordered the hero to the Marines, who proceeded to do just that. The hero couldn’t shake the fact something was wrong, then he hear the shouting. Running past the crates and crates, the hero entered a Lab chamber and found the general on the fall. The hero rushed to his side
    “Behind you," croaked the general. The hero didn’t react in time and was swept over to the side of the room. When he opened his eyes he saw a horror of cruelty, a Shellos from the eastern areas of Sinnoh, Grown to the size of it evolution by science and refused to naturally evolve. The Shellos attack our hero again who managed to dodge this time and the final battle began
    “Cubone! Use focus energy!” the hero commanded hand Cubone dropped to one knee and closed his eyes as if praying. The Shellos turned to acknowledge the Cubone. Cubone’s Eyes darted open and within that second it look as if a flaming Aura surrounded him. Shellos proceeded to commence his own attack. From inside his gut all the way to his mouth something could be seen to move in Shellos body, as soon as his mouth had opened a jet of mud and water shot out of it towards Cubone who used his bone as a shield to suffer the least damage he could. When the muddy water stream had ended, the hero yelled his next command, “Cubone use Bone rush!”
    Cubone Heard his masters given command and started to sprints towards the enemy. Then Cubone became to start spinning the bone he carried around with him. The faster Cubone ran towards the enemy, the faster he swing the bone, the lighter his steps became until the point Cubone was hovering and no longer touching the ground. Shellos was in shock at seeing this and proceed to go onto the defence by hardening his body. By Cubone was too focused for that to be an issue. Cubone had managed to locate a weak point into the Shellos‘s body during its own last attack. There seem to be come sought of pipe inside his body, that if hit would be damaged and remove the Shellos’s harden attack. Still hovering in the air second away from contact, Cubone aimed the swinging bone for that point of the body. Impact. It was a critical hit. Shellos rock back meaning the second hit from the bone rush failed to do much damage. Cubone’s feet touch the floor and he swung his bone at Shellos for a third and final time.

    It was completely weakened now. The Hero turns to the general who has fainted midway in the battle.He then took and empty pokéball out of his pockets and loaded it into the gun. Cubone scattered away from the injured Shellos who only just saw the hero with the gun pointed at him. All the Shellos could do was witnesses the pokéball being fired.
    -End-
    Last edited by Sennyo; 7th May 2010 at 05:38 AM.
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  2. #2
    YEAH TOAST Sennyo's Avatar
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    Default Re: (NWC) Vs Shellos by sennyo

    words: 2536
    Charaters without spaces: 10747
    Charaters with spaces: 13291

    More than required and dosent have as much story in it as would have liked but if it did i possible wouldnt have bothered going for a shellos. oh well please grade when ready

    note ihave edit the story in terms of grammar and spelling a bit so stats above may not be that accurate. i hope thats ok
    Also due to this begin for Newbie writing competion (or somthing like that) i have added some more detail plus another paragaphs to this story (or currently doing so)ill add extra stats charaters below from this paragarph and yes im trying to confuse you and myself with this.
    new paragraphs words: 128
    new paragraphs charaters without spaces: 558
    new paragraphs charaters with spaces: 685
    Last edited by Sennyo; 7th May 2010 at 05:41 AM.
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    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: (NWC) Vs Shellos by sennyo

    Hello, Fellow NWC participent, I'll be happy to grade this, though this is just a claim, expect a full grade within two days

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: (NWC) Vs Shellos by sennyo

    Intro:
    Hidden in the massive amount of detail was actually and interesting hook. Some sort of organization is stealing Pokemon. And then you introduce us to the hero of the story… He doesn’t have a name. That’s fine and all, but you sometimes refer to him as “The Hero” and other times as “the hero.” If you could keep it consistent throughout the whole story, I’m leading towards “The Hero” like a title, since you do not give a name. Also, there is just too much detail. Sometimes short quick details are better than a long run on sentence. Here’s an example:

    His face contains an award winning smile that lays right under the prefect nose; a nose that was not too long, nor too short; a nose that was too thin, nor too wide; and a nose that was neither too pointy nor too blunt. Above his nose were his crystal blue eyes, a pair of eyes that seem to be so empty, as if our hero had seen too much, done too much and no longer cared about anything. They were the pair of eyes that would show that the man had lost his soul.
    You could have stopped at perfect nose. While perfect is subjective, including details of what the nose is not just bores the reader since you say it’s not six things. You could have gotten away with “not too long nor too short,” but there is an expression: “You just went said too much.” Also the eyes could have been simplified to:

    “Above his nose were his soulless crystal eyes, eyes that have seen too much.” Empty eyes and soulless eyes usually mean the same thing so having both is superfluous.

    Another peeve I had with the intro is that you say that you’re introducing the “protagonists,” though you introduce the minor character of a young girl in the middle of the paragraph. You could have showed he in pacing later, to help spread out the description of main character. Having all the details of a character in the beginning isn’t ideal. This is because the readers are going along a journey with your character. They want to see the hero develop, learn as the story goes on, but if they know everything right off the bat, there is less chance the reader will care.

    Plot:
    The hot shot hero saves a bunch of Shellos from an organization called the “Collectors.” While he does so, he is attacked by a larger than normal Shellos, which he proceeds to battle and try to capture with his gun-like Pokeball Launcher.

    I like the badass, flirtatious Hero; he definitely wasn’t a ten year old boy that was wet behind the ears. I felt that it was kind of shallow, we weren’t introduced to a “Big Bad” that was in charge and the raid was surprisingly easy. I would expect more grunts.

    Grammar:
    There were a lot of mistakes in grammar and in spelling. I’ve seen some of your RP posts and they don’t normally have this amount. The biggest problem I saw was the run on sentences. This sentence gave me the biggest worry:
    The hero and Cubone proceeded to the warehouse get that was the last thing the Dockmaster saw that day after the marine used the gun to know him out round the back of the head.
    I believe you were trying to say something along the lines of:

    The hero and Cubone proceeded to the warehouse; it was the last thing the dock master witnessed that day after the marine knocked him out.
    Also, your use of semicolons is not correct. Semicolons are used to separate sentences that relate to each other, not to describe a person like:

    The Dockmaster; A rather old man, with a long messy white beard, a bald wrinkled head and most likely of Chinese origin; shined his lantern to see the name of the ship with the question cargo on board.
    You should use commas instead. And you don’t have to use commas before prepositions (like with, on, in, at, etc.) Like:

    The Dockmaster, a rather old Chinese man with a long messy white beard and a bald wrinkled head, shined his lantern to see the name of the ship with the question cargo on board.
    This also brings up the point of capitalization. You should capitalize names and people’s titles when you refer to them specifically like in this instance. However, you sometimes capitalize random descriptive words like green.

    Watch tenses and paragraphing. Remember, whenever someone/something new is doing an action or speaking, make a new paragraph. It is fine to have a six word paragraph, so don’t pack everything into a really large paragraph. This helps the reader discern what is doing what without getting lost.

    Also, this I didn’t know until I took the grader test, and I’ll just quote Galleon:
    Originally Posted by Correct

    "We should hurry," Roger said.
    Originally Posted by Incorrect

    "We should hurry," Roger smirked.
    These similar sentences differ in one important way: the action taken by Roger. The verb 'said' is acting upon the dialogue, but the verb 'smirked' is not. And because of this, the word 'said' becomes a part of the same sentence as a dialogue, so we use a comma. So, the correct punctuation for the second piece would be:

    Originally Posted by Correct

    "We should hurry." Roger smirked.
    Detail:
    There are too many details in this story. Overly describing something gets annoying. To avoid this, try spreading out the details throughout the story or shortening/removing extra details.

    To help know what is extra, try to think about what the reader needs to know. Do they really need to know the Dockmaster’s personal life and the general's Sandslash? Not really. This is superfluous information.

    And while detail helps paint a picture to the reader, too much needless detail will take away from more important details. I know more about the random Dockmaster and his family than I do the setting. I know it’s a dock and a warehouse, but not enough details were given. Personally, I’ve been to many different docks and seen many kinds even in the Pokemon anime.

    Lastly, first you say that the Shellos are in crates, and then later that they are in cages. I believe you wanted them to be in cages, since you can see that they are Shellos in cages, but with a crate, a person wouldn’t be able to see into it.

    Length:
    14,124 characters w/ spaces.
    Shellos (Simple):5-10K
    Well past the required character count. Yay

    Reality:
    Again, something like the character seeing into crates bothers me. And no grunts watching the illegally captured and boxed up Shellos seems unlikely.

    Battle:
    Too Short. Cubone uses two moves, and Shellos uses one. Logically, a beefed up Shellos would be more of a challenge especially with the type advantage. This is the rising point of the story where you can really wow your reader. It’s the action packed portion of the story.

    I suggest that the Shellos is more challenging, maybe even bring elements of the warehouse into the battle like throwing crates or hiding behind crates.

    Personal Feelings:
    I personally like the hero, and the plot is fine, but there is just too many awkward sentences that need to be cleaned up.

    Verdict:
    Wiggle:
    Wiggle:
    Wiggle: Shellos Breaks Free No Capture

    I like the plot, but there are just too many grammar and spelling mistakes. Also the battle needs to be a little more exciting. PM me when you fix these and I’ll regrade.

    One big tip I can give you is to read your story out loud to someone. If they get lost, you can get live critiques on what to change. This will also help you catch the awkward sentences and grammar.

    Looking forward to re-examing this story.
    Last edited by sorocoroto; 2nd June 2010 at 12:24 PM. Reason: re evaluating my own grade

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