(NWC) Hoppyfred's Grand Adventure! (sorta...) #2
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  1. #1

    Default (NWC) Hoppyfred's Grand Adventure! (sorta...) #2

    Part one is here for anybody interested, although I don't think it's neccessary to read to get the most out of part two. Basically, part one just introduces Hoppyfred, a generally irrational boy, starting off on his 'Grand Adventure', and he has just captured a wild fish. Pretty bad synopsis, but that's the general gist of it.

    This was originally intended to be to capture a Mudkip, but I decided to enter it for the competition instead (naively hoping that in the case that I miraculously win, the rewards outweigh the benefits of a Mudkip), so it might drag on a bit and I apologise for that. There also may be a few minor plot errors (I was suffering from writers' block and couldn't think of creative ways to get around them) and the final battle is probably a bit of a damp squib. Oh well.

    I would appreciate any pointers from anybody and I would be grateful if whoever grades this would also tell me if this would have earned me a Mudkip had I entered this for one instead of a Shellos?

    Split into two posts for easier viewing

    Intended Pokémon: Shellos
    Approximate Number of Characters: 28,000



    As Hoppyfred opened his eyes, there was a click, and the Pokéball was still. He smiled – his very first caught Pokémon! Mom would be so proud of him...

    “Very good,” a sharp voice from behind him said. Hoppyfred turned around abruptly and found himself facing a small, mousy woman, with her hair in an oddly menacing ponytail, wearing a dirty, pale white lab coat.

    Hoppyfred shrieked. He managed to stop himself short of shouting “STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!”, but it required considerable effort. He took a deep breath, condensed all his fear into his shaking right hand, and pointed it accusingly at the threatening woman.

    The woman made a bemused smile. Hoppyfred wondered what he looked like to her: a short, scruffy boy with jet-black hair wearing an orange shirt with green cargo shorts – and an obvious personality disorder to boot. “Sorry, let me introduce myself... I am Professor Bush,” she said in a friendly tone, with her arms raised by the sides of her head, similarly to what somebody with a machine-gun pointed at them would do to surrender.

    “Y-you?” he said incredulously. He’d assumed the professor was going to be a man, but as soon as he’d said that he regretted it: he didn’t want to seem sexist to the person who was going to set him off on his Grand Adventure.

    “You don’t get out much, do you?” Professor Bush said with a smirk. She made a quick mental note: lacks social skills; appears to be a stranger to toothpaste; points when agitated. “Now tell me, what’s your name?”

    “H-Ho...” Hoppyfred coughed to clear his throat, and almost swallowed his tongue. “Hoppyfred.”

    “Ah, yes, Hoppyfred. Would you like to come back to my lab with me, or would you rather just point at me?” At this, Hoppyfred lowered his hand, embarrassed. “Excellent. Follow me!”

    As Professor Bush started walking off, Hoppyfred set off to follow her, before she sharply cut in: “Don’t forget your new Pokémon!”

    *


    As they arrived at Professor Bush’s lab, which had looked so shabby and run-down before, with its windows cracked and a door that was covered in dust and barely connected to the hinges, Hoppyfred noticed how it had now taken on a menacing, eerie look. The cracks in the windows now resembled spider webs, and as Professor Bush swung open the door, a loud creak painfully splintered the air.

    “Door needs oiling,” Professor Bush noted. “Please, come in... Hoppyfred, was it?”

    “Uh, yeah, that’s me,” Hoppyfred replied shakily. Slight in build with messy black hair, not to mention an irrational fear of trees that had dogged him all his life, Hoppyfred had never really been the most secure of people, and now he had found himself yet another person who he was intimidated of. He wasn’t sure why he was scared of her, but he suspected it was the numerous red stains on her lab coat. He hoped they were ketchup stains, but he couldn’t help but doubt the likelihood of ketchup splashing so violently all over the coat.

    “Oh, and I’ve just been painting the lab red, so don’t touch the walls. That’s what all the red stains on my lab coat are from. Certainly not blood.” She turned around and smiled warmly at Hoppyfred. He wondered how she had known what he was thinking about. Perhaps she was a vampire: Hoppyfred had read that vampires gained psychic powers from drinking the blood of others.

    “Hoppyfred... what a curious name,” Professor Bush said. As she went inside, she asked, “Would you care for some herbal tea? That’s all I drink: nothing else, I can assure you.”

    “No, I’m fine thanks... and actually, my name’s not Hoppyfred, it’s just a nickname...You see, my mom’s dad, Marty, died just a few days before I was born, so my dad suggested naming me Marty. My mom agreed because she thought it was going to be Marty after my granddad. Turned out my dad was drunk and he named me Marty McFly after the guy from Back to the Future. So my real name is Marty McFly, but I don’t really want to go round with such a weird name, so when I was five I used one of those online name generators to generate my “Trainer Name”, and it came up as Hoppyfred.”

    Hoppyfred looked up, and realised he had just been rambling to himself: Professor Bush hadn’t been listening and had gone inside. He sighed, and walked in, shutting the creaky door behind him.

    Suddenly, everything went dark. “Awagh!” Hoppyfred screamed. His fear of the dark was second only to his fear of trees...and also perhaps his fear of the uknown. He was also pretty scared of Unown as well.

    “Open the door, you idiot!” an angry voice bellowed.

    “I can’t see it!” Hoppyfred squeaked. He was panicking. This wasn’t good. When he panicked, he often fainted and would be unconscious for hours on end. He felt his head spinning. Whuh boy.

    “You just shut it! You should know roughly where it is!” Professor Bush was clearly irritated.

    Hoppyfred raised his hands in front of him (or at least he thought they were in front of him – it was pretty hard to tell without his eyes) and tried to touch the door. No luck. He desperately waved his hands around madly, feeling slightly foolish despite his fear. Just like “Pin the Tail on the Donkey”, which was a game notable for being one of the few things Hoppyfred wasn’t scared of. It was probably because whenever Hoppyfred played Pin the Tail on the Donkey, the blindfold was always never completely on, and he just peeked underneath it, navigating his way to the donkey. He actually won the Under-12 World Pin the Tail on the Donkey Championship. Good times.

    “Hey! Are you looking for the door?” Professor Bush yelled angrily. “I sense reminiscing! You better not be remembering fond memories!”

    Hoppyfred dropped to his knees and started crawling around, trying to feel his way to the door. His dizziness was slowly getting to him: the darkness certainly wasn’t helping. As he was crawling around in the darkness, he felt his leg bump into something. There was a loud thump, and a crash splintered the air. Hoppyfred winced.

    “Was that my plant? Did you knock my plant over?” Professor Rose groaned. “You’re hopeless! You’re certainly not fit for going off on an adventure by yourself!”

    “Oh, okay, I’ll find the door!” Hoppyfred yelled. He stood up, and took a deep breath. “Okay, here goes!” he yelled, trying to sound like a superhero charging into the lion’s den. He let out a war-cry and charged into the pitch-black darkness, hoping that by some miracle he would hit the door.

    There was a loud thump as Hoppyfred felt his right shoulder connect with something solid. Light flooded into his eyes, and he blinked until he regained focus. Wow. He had succeeded. He had succeeded! This was one of the first goals in life he had ever achieved! Victory!

    “You okay back there Professor?” he yelled into the laboratory. Professor Bush was lying crumpled on the floor. “I’m coming Professor!” Hoppyfred shouted. He pictured himself as a knight in shining armour, rushing to the aid of a damsel in distress. In the back of his mind he wondered whether he had fallen for the Professor. The very notion was absurd, surely? Perhaps this was the “puberty” and “hormones” thing that his science teacher at school had been telling him about. As he ran towards the Professor, something wet splashed in his face. It tasted like... herbal tea? He blinked, and suddenly, he was lying on the ground.

    Professor Bush was standing over him, looking down on him with something resembling a mixture of loathing and sympathy. As Hoppyfred was wondering how such a combination was even possible, she spoke.

    “As you charged in the dark, you must’ve run into the wall,” she said briskly. “You got concussed and blacked out. I had to find my own way to the door.”

    Hoppyfred groaned. Now she had mentioned it, his skull was throbbing like mad. “But... I thought that I made it outside... and I was coming back in to save you...”

    The professor waved her hand. “Hallucination,” she dismissed. Hoppyfred couldn’t have felt worse: made to look like a total buffoon and a sore head to boot.

    “So now you know,” Professor Bush said. “Don’t shut the door: it’s the only source of light into this laboratory after the lightbulbs fused.”

    Hoppyfred sat up and looked around him. The plaster on the walls was peeling, and had a layer of tomato red paint over them in a weak attempt to brighten the place up. A rather out-of-place chandelier hung limply from the ceiling. He noticed a picture that hung crooked on the wall that rather pathetically stated ‘There’s no Place like Home’. “What do you do at night?” he asked.

    “That’s not important,” Professor Bush smiled. “What is important is that I introduce you to my good friend, Viktor.”
    A tall, towering man stepped out from behind a corner. He had a full, brown bushy beard, and his torso muscles rippled like the waves on the sea. He noticed Hoppyfred’s gaze of awe, and flexed his arms. The sleeves on his blue jacket promptly ripped. “Viktor will be accompanying you on your journey.”

    Hoppyfred’s expression changed from awe to horror. “What?” he cried in dismay. “I’m fine by myself!”

    “You’re quite clearly not. You were incapable of simply finding a door: what chance do you stand? Besides, Viktor is incapable of speech other than his name – you can think of him as a Pokémon in human form!”

    As if to illustrate her point, Viktor promptly grunted. “Viiktor.”

    “I refuse!” shouted Hoppyfred stubbornly.

    “Man, you’re one hard to deal with ten-year old,” muttered Professor Bush.

    “I’m FOURTEEN!”

    Professor Bush gasped. “What? But you’re... so small! And immature!”

    “I AM NOT IMMATURE! YOU’RE IMMATURE! I HATE YOU! GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY I CAN’T GO BY MYSELF!”

    “... And your voice hasn’t broken...”

    “SHUT UP!”

    Professor Bush smiled “I’m sorry, I just can’t help it. But anyway – OH MY GOD! IS THAT A TREE BEHIND YOU?”

    Hoppyfred screamed and dived for cover.

    “That’s your reason,” Professor Bush smiled. “Prove that you’re over your phobia of trees, and Viktor will remain with me. Otherwise...”

    “How did you know about my dendrophobia? Did my mom tell you? Besides, that doesn’t count! Give me another reason!”

    “You’re rash and immature.”

    “I CHALLENGE YOU TO A POKÉMON BATTLE!”

    Professor Bush chuckled. “... See what I mean?”

    Hoppyfred’s face turned purple. He was practically screaming now. “ARE YOU REFUSING TO BATTLE ME? WHEN A TRAINER CHALLENGES ANOTHER ONE TO A BATTLE, THEY HAVE TO ACCEPT!”

    Professor Bush resisted the urge to further goad the poor child. She still couldn’t quite believe he was a teenager. “Tell you what, Hoppyfred. I’ll battle you, and if I win, Viktor goes with you. If I lose, Viktor will stay here at the lab.”

    “Why should I accept those terms?” Hoppyfred had calmed down a little after he had found himself choking on a lack of oxygen, but he was still pretty mad. “I decide the terms around here! If you win, then fine! I’ll take Viktor with me! If I win however, then Viktor stays here!”

    Professor Bush raised her eyebrows, and wondered whether the boy had actually been listening to her at all. “Okay, fine. Let’s go!” she laughed. “But we battle outside. I don’t wish to damage the lab.”

    “... There’s nothing here to damage...”

    The professor scowled. “Irritating boy...” she muttered. “Okay, go Elekid!” she yelled, tossing a Pokéball into the lab. There was a flash of bright light, and a small, yellow creature with black stripes and two weird prong-like antennae appeared in the lab.

    “Come on out, Polihop!” Hoppyfred cried, releasing the small, blue tadpole (with legs) from its Pokéball. Or at least, that was what he was expecting. His blue tadpole had now sprouted arms and had lost its tail. He wondered whether he had picked up the wrong Pokéball, but then he saw its face, and he knew that it was still his Polihop.

    “Interesting...” Professor Bush mused. “... Your Poliwag seems to have evolved into a Poliwhirl inside its Pokéball. I’ve never seen this before...”

    “Mud Bomb, Polihop!” shouted Hoppyfred, taking advantage of the situation. Complying, Polihop hurled a thick, compacted ball of mud with its newly-evolved arms at the foe.

    “Elekid, detect!” Professor Bush barked. The Elekid grinned at the brown blob heading its way and nimbly jumped over it, leaving it to splatter with a loud thud against the wall, leaving a huge dent. “That was a cheap shot!” the professor admonished angrily.

    “All’s fair in battle!” Hoppyfred retorted back. “Polihop! Hydro Pump!” The Poliwhirl grunted as a powerful blast of water shot out of the black spiral on its white belly.

    “Quick Elekid! Light Screen!” Elekid waved its hands, and a yellow barrier appeared in front of it. The blast of water hit the Light Screen with incredible force, but only a less than enthusiastic spurt of water passed through and hit Elekid, who just shook off the attack. “Now Elekid, Thunderpunch!”

    Elekid drew its right arm back, and its fist started glowing a bright white. With a yell, it charged towards Poliwhirl.

    As it was about to strike, Hoppyfred shouted, “Hit it with a Mud Shot!” A powerful stream o f mud blasted Elekid square in the chest, knocking it off its feet and sending it sprawling across the room. “Now, while it’s down, try Hydro Pump once more!” Water gushed from Poliwhirl’s spiral, but as it was about to hit Elekid it fizzled out into a weak jet of water.

    Hoppyfred cursed. That irritating Light Screen! His Water attacks needed more power... “Okay Poliwhirl, it’s time to get ready for the kill! Rain Dance!” Poliwhirl’s eyes glowed blue, and rain started falling from the ceiling.

    Professor Bush smiled. “Now Elekid! Thunder!” A huge, violent lightning bolt jumped out from Elekid’s ‘antennae’ and struck Poliwhirl directly in the middle of its swirl. It collapsed on the ground, unable to continue battling. “Bull’s-eye,” laughed Professor Bush.

    “No!” cried Hoppyfred. “Polihop, use Amnesia!” There was no response from the Pokémon. Reluctantly, Hoppyfred returned Poliwhirl to his Pokéball.

    “Well, that’s settled then,” said Professor Bush brightly as she returned Elekid. “Viktor will accompany you on your journey. No ifs, no buts.”

    Hoppyfred sighed. This adventure of his wasn’t going to be so grand after all. “Come on then, Viktor. Let’s get going.”

    “Viiiktor.”

    “Oh, and, before I leave Professor, can I ask you two questions?”

    “Go ahead.”

    “What’s your first name? And also, what Pokémon did I catch earlier today?”

    “Rose. Rose Bush. But that’s Professor Bush to you. And why don’t you find out yourself what Pokémon it is?”
    Last edited by Hoppyfred; 9th May 2010 at 04:31 AM.
    Mine gramerrs r teh awusums.

    URPG Trainer Stats Page|Hoppyfred's Grand Adventure! (sorta...): (#1|#2)

  2. #2

    Default Re: (NWC) Hoppyfred's Grand Adventure! (sorta...) #2

    *


    Before they set off for the next town (which according to Hoppyfred’s town map was ‘Carmine Town’), he picked up his Spheal from home. That loss to the professor had taught him that he needed all the help he could get...

    “Don’t forget to call every day!”

    “I won’t mom!”

    “Don’t forget to brush your teeth!”

    “I won’t mom!”

    “Don’t forget to make sure you eat properly!”

    “... I’m not going to forget, mom.”

    “Don’t forget to go to bed early!”

    “Bye mom!”

    Heading to Carmine Town was a fairly uneventful journey. Hoppyfred did run into a nice fellow who gave him a free Potion, and a shady-looking chap who told him that he could “jump over the ledges to get back home faster”. As Hoppyfred arrived in Carmine Town, he noticed the town motto plastered everywhere. “Carmine Town – Want a Car? It’s Mine!” He almost gagged on the awful pun, but the idea of a car intrigued him. He had only ever seen people riding around on bicycles.

    He dropped Viktor off at the Pokémon Centre, then headed into the Car Shop: a huge, shiny building that had a sign promising “Faster than riding a bike – or your money back!” Eagerly, he walked up to the counter. “How much is a car?”

    The greasy haired teenager behind the counter, a good three or so years older than Hoppyfred, grunted a response. “10,000,000 dollars.”

    Hoppyfred choked. “What? If I... say, did a favour or something for the owner, would he give me one for free?”

    The teen looked at him in a way you would look at somebody who had chosen to go to your mother’s funeral dressed in a clown suit. “You’re not old enough to drive anyway, so quit pestering me!”

    “Oh, well, you see, I figured that a car would come with instructions, right? Just like shoes or a bike. You know, something like: ‘Push the button marked A to accelerate. Push the button marked B to break. Press the button marked START to start the engine. Press the button marked SELECT to select a destination on the Satellite Navigation. Push forward on the control pad to go forward, push left on the control pad to turn left, push right on the control pad to turn right, and press back on the control pad to reverse.”

    “You’re a nutter,” was the intellectual response.

    Hoppyfred’s next destination in Carmine Town was the local Pokémart. “Yeah...can I get some Pokéballs please?”

    “We don’t sell Pokéballs here in Carmine Town,” was the abrupt response.

    “... But this is a Pokémart!”

    “Your point being?” The mart attendant looked at him in a way you would look dressed in a clown suit who was proclaiming himself as the next Messiah.

    Hoppyfred sighed as he exited the mart. This was a terrible town. Perhaps all that was left was to carry on to the next town. He decided to try a local’s house to see what exactly the inhabitants of Carmine Town did for fun. Walking up to the nearest house, he gingerly knocked on the door. No answer. Depressed, he leant against the door. It swung open, and Hoppyfred crashed to the floor. He looked up and saw an old woman looking at him.

    “Can I help you, dearie?”

    Hoppyfred looked up at her. “Don’t you lock your door?”

    The woman looked at him in a way you would look at somebody who was performing in a musical of ‘The Lion King’ dressed as a clown.

    “Okay, what is it with everybody in this town giving me that look?” Hoppyfred snapped. This town was beginning to irritate him. “This town creeps me out. What the hell do you guys do here for fun?”

    The old woman smiled, her wrinkles in her forehead becoming more defined and pronounced. “We tell stories.”

    Hoppyfred looked at her like you would look at a person who had proposed opening a new restaurant called “MukDonald’s” – in a clown suit (naturally).

    “Come hither, child,” said the old woman, beckoning Hoppyfred closer with a crooked, withered finger. “Let me tell you the story of Carmine Town. Carmine Town used to be a prosperous town – until they arrived.”

    “Who arrived?”

    “THE MUDKIP. NYAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!” cackled the old woman insanely, rubbing her hands with glee.

    The whole situation suddenly turned very surreal. The old women’s eyes glowed white and the walls started swirling. She opened her mouth in a sinister toothless grin, and from out of her mouth emerged a floating purple sprite with triangular eyes and two hands that floated by the side of its body similarly to a weird yellow video game hero Hoppyfred seemed to recall (Ruman? Royman?), cackling evilly.

    Hoppyfred screamed. He had found himself doing that a lot recently, it was kind of worrying. The ghostly laughter echoed around the room and a cat screeched in the background.

    “Are you okay sweetie?”

    Hoppyfred blinked. The old woman was staring at him curiously. The house seemed to be back to normal, and there was no sign of the aforementioned ghost.

    “You!” he cried accusingly, pointing at the hunched woman. “You’re possessed by a ghost!”

    The woman scoffed with derision. “I wish. I could tell people much more interesting stories if that was true.”

    “B-but you said something about Mudkip...”

    The woman looked at him blankly. “I think you need to have a rest at the Pokémon Centre, young man. You’re obviously delusional.”

    *


    As Hoppyfred entered the Pokémon Centre, he gestured to Viktor. “Come, Viktor. We’re getting out of this godforsaken town.”

    As he turned to leave, he suddenly remembered his new Pokémon. “Oh, yeah, Nurse, can I ask you something?” he asked, heading up to the counter.

    “Sure,” smiled the red-headed nurse, with her perfect eyes, her perfect nose, her perfect chest...

    Hoppyfred closed his eyes and hoped the urse hadn’t seen where he had been looking. Yes, this was most definitely that “puberty” thing. Taking immense care not to look at the urse any further, he released his new Pokémon from its ball. This was actually the first time he had seen it – the last time it had been obscured by the mud. He stared at its reddy-orange body, it’s two unintelligent eyes and its yellow ‘whiskers’. What a peculiar looking fish.

    The nurse smiled. “It’s a Magikarp,” she said brightly.

    “Erm, what...” Hoppyfred coughed with embarrassment at the question he was going to ask, “... what gender is it?” he said, blushing, as the fish flopped about on the desk.

    “Female,” the nurse said without a moment’s hesitation. Hoppyfred wondered how she knew, and realised perhaps he really should have paid more attention in Biology.

    “I guess I’ll call you Maggie, then,” he said as he returned the now-nicknamed Magikarp to its Pokéball. Before he left, he decided to make use of the video-telephone facilities at the centre to contact Professor Bush.

    The screen lit up as Professor Bush’s beautiful face and body appeared on the screen. Hoppyfred cursed his hormones inwardly (but at the same time was eternally grateful that only his face and upper body were on Professor Bush’s screen). “Hello, Professor!”

    “Hi, Marty McFly!” was the cheerful reply.

    “Don’t call me Marty McFly,” Hoppyfred admonished her bitterly. “I’m Hoppyfred, or Hoppy for short.”

    “Sure thing, Marty.”

    “DON’T CALL ME MARTY!” Hoppyfred screamed. There was a gasp from behind, and Hoppyfred was suddenly conscious of the fact that he was in a very public building and perhaps it would be best not to be seen screaming at video-telephones.

    Professor Bush chuckled. “Your reactions are priceless. I still can’t believe that you’re fourteen. Well, I have an assignment for you Fred.”

    Hoppyfred gritted his teeth. “It’s not Fred, not Marty, not Marty McFly, it’s Hoppyfred. For a Professor you sure are dumb. And I rang you! How can you give me an assignment?”

    “Do I look like I care?” The Professor certainly didn’t look like she cared. “While I do admit this was an awfully suspicious coincidence that I just happen to have an assignment for you as you call, at the end of the day, discussing it is just wasting precious time that could be spent better doing this assignment.”

    “This sounds important,” Hoppyfred grinned. “End of the world? Evil team capturing a legendary Pokémon?”

    “I need you to collect a parcel from the Carmine Town Pokémart for me.”

    “... That doesn’t sound important. Does it contain some important high-tech equipment or something?” Hoppyfred didn’t bother trying to hide the huge disappointment in his voice.

    “Well, actually, it contains some old newspapers. I’m just trying to house-train some new Pokémon.”

    “... And these new Pokémon are like Baby legendary Pokémon, right?”

    “I guess Zigzagoon are pretty legendary.”

    Hoppyfred banged his forehead on the screen in frustration. What an epic start to his quest. There was an audible disapproving murmur from behind. “Oh right, public building,” he muttered. “Anything else of importance Professor? Y’know, perhaps your lawn needs trimming or you need some more milk?” he added sarcastically.

    “Well, now that you mention it...”

    “Bye Professor,” Hoppyfred interjected quickly as he hung up. Glumly, he headed back to the Pokémart with Viktor trailing behind him. He opened the door to the mart and as the bell rang, he went up to the attendant and asked politely for “a package for Professor Bush”, chuckling at the phrase that would unavoidably set off any teenager.

    As he was sniggering to himself, the attendant thrust a large brown box at the immature buffoon who caught it with a grunt. “Jeez, this is heavy,” he panted. “Viktor, carry this for me please.” The giant, possibly of Serbian descent, grabbed the box and held it under his arm effortlessly. “Alright Viktor, let’s go now. Professor Bush sure has a big package,” he chortled to himself.

    As they turned to leave, the attendant interrupted. “Wait, aren’t you going to take the professor’s second package?”

    “Professor Bush has two packages?” Hoppyfred queried. “What’s in the second one?”

    “Pokéballs.”

    Hoppyfred’s face took on an expression of pure fury. “You refused to sell me Pokéballs only earlier today!” he cried angrily.

    The attendant looked puzzled. “You’re right. Funny that.”

    Furiously, Hoppyfred grabbed the second package from the attendant and set off back to the professor’s lab.

    *


    Professor Bush turned around as Hoppyfred slammed two brown packages down on her desk. “There you go,” he scowled darkly.

    Professor Bush looked at him curiously. “I’m getting a rather bad vibe from you right now.”

    “I’ve had a bad day,” was the sullen reply.

    Professor Bush’s expression was now one of a person who is frustrated with their teenage protégé who has an oddly high-pitched voice and the tendency to act like a girl. “I didn’t say I wanted to know why, I was merely informing you I was getting a bad vibe from you. Ah, excellent!” she smiled as she tore open the boxes. “Well, in retrieving my two parcels you have shown immense maturity and independence. I don’t think you need Viktor anymore.”

    Hoppyfred’s face lit up. “Seriously?”

    “No, Marty, I’m joking. All you had to do was get two packages and while you may have succeeded you’ve thrown a hissy fit in the process. I have a second task for you, one which should be much more interesting,” Professor Bush smiled, before she paused. “Wait, is ‘more’ the right word? ... That’s it, less. It should be much less interesting,” the professor pronounced.

    “What could possibly be more dull than retrieving two packages?”

    “I need you to clean my pond.”

    *


    After dropping off his Poliwhirl and Spheal at the lab, Hoppyfred trudged to the murky, boggy pond immediately outside the pond. It was similar to the pond at which he had caught Maggie, apart from the excess amount of green stuff floating on the surface. Hoppyfred released Maggie into the pond and watched as she jumped joyfully around the pond, hoping that she would miraculously be inclined to eat all the algae.

    Hoppyfred’s eye was drawn to an odd, pink flower floating in the centre of the pond. Maggie swam curiously up to the flower, and nibbled gently on it. There was a cry and out of the depths of the water rose a pink slug with a white underbelly and yellow and black eyes with a odd vicious yet distinctly non-threatening look, growling threateningly at the Magikarp.

    Hoppyfred smiled. This was the first non-scary surprise he had witnessed in a while, and he was grateful. “Okay Maggie, first battle time!” he grinned. The fish was a water-type just like his Poliwhirl and Spheal, and he knew all the water moves. “So... Hydro Pump, Maggie!”

    The orange fish looked up blankly at Hoppyfred. The flower-slug-thing took advantage of this opportunity and blasted the Magikarp with a stream of mud. The Magikarp flailed about wildly. Hoppyfred cursed as he realised he knew nothing about the moves of a Magikarp. “Um... Water Gun?”

    Nothing happened, and yet another mud stream blasted the helpless Magikarp, who continued flailing madly. “Oh for Pete’s sake... just splash it with some water!” Hoppyfred cried, exasperated.

    Water splashed the slug-flower-thing, and yet again... nothing happened! A third consecutive mud stream powered into the Magikarp who recoiled and flailed in despair.

    Flailing... Flail! Hoppyfred’s memory jogged into action as he vaguely remembered hearing about a useless fish that had a best offensive move called Flail or something similar. Perhaps it was Magikarp?

    “Okay, Maggie, Flail!” he shouted decisively, only realising after what a clown he would look like if this failed again. Luckily, his Magikarp sprung into action, and (predictably) managed to strike the flower-slug/slug-flower-thing, which promptly collapsed. So much for an epic battle.

    “Okay, go, Pokéball!” Hoppyfred shouted heroically (or at least in a way he hoped sound heroic) as he threw one of the red-white capture ‘capsules’ at the dizzy pink thing that looked like a slug with a flower on its head. He realised he’d made a faux pas as the ball engulfed the Pokémon but then landed in the pool. Luckily, it seemed to float. Fortune seemed to be on Hoppyfred’s side, and he looked on hopefully as the Pokéball trembled in the water...

    Fin.

    READY FOR GRADING
    Last edited by Hoppyfred; 9th May 2010 at 04:37 AM.
    Mine gramerrs r teh awusums.

    URPG Trainer Stats Page|Hoppyfred's Grand Adventure! (sorta...): (#1|#2)

  3. #3
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: (NWC) Hoppyfred's Grand Adventure! (sorta...) #2

    hey theres a lot of NWCs not graded yet, but this is just a claim, expect a grade in two-three days

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  4. #4
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: (NWC) Hoppyfred's Grand Adventure! (sorta...) #2

    Note: I did not read your first story, since you said it wasn't nessesary.

    Intro:

    As Hoppyfred opened his eyes, there was a click, and the Pokéball was still. He smiled – his very first caught Pokémon! Mom would be so proud of him...

    “Very good,” a sharp voice from behind him said. Hoppyfred turned around abruptly and found himself facing a small, mousy woman, with her hair in an oddly menacing ponytail, wearing a dirty, pale white lab coat.

    Hoppyfred shrieked. He managed to stop himself short of shouting “STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!”, but it required considerable effort. He took a deep breath, condensed all his fear into his shaking right hand, and pointed it accusingly at the threatening woman.

    The woman made a bemused smile. Hoppyfred wondered what he looked like to her: a short, scruffy boy with jet-black hair wearing an orange shirt with green cargo shorts – and an obvious personality disorder to boot. “Sorry, let me introduce myself... I am Professor Bush,” she said in a friendly tone, with her arms raised by the sides of her head, similarly to what somebody with a machine-gun pointed at them would do to surrender.

    “Y-you?” he said incredulously. He’d assumed the professor was going to be a man, but as soon as he’d said that he regretted it: he didn’t want to seem sexist to the person who was going to set him off on his Grand Adventure.

    “You don’t get out much, do you?” Professor Bush said with a smirk. She made a quick mental note: lacks social skills; appears to be a stranger to toothpaste; points when agitated. “Now tell me, what’s your name?”

    “H-Ho...” Hoppyfred coughed to clear his throat, and almost swallowed his tongue. “Hoppyfred.”

    “Ah, yes, Hoppyfred. Would you like to come back to my lab with me, or would you rather just point at me?” At this, Hoppyfred lowered his hand, embarrassed. “Excellent. Follow me!”

    As Professor Bush started walking off, Hoppyfred set off to follow her, before she sharply cut in: “Don’t forget your new Pokémon!”
    Funny intro. It got me interested in your story, and it didn't make me feel like I was coming in the middle of an overly complicated story. You introduced the characters great. Seeing Hoppyfred's reactions and thoughts of Professor Bush gave me more insight into his character.

    Plot

    Hoppyfred meets the woman that will start him off on his journey, and she is crazy. He is forced to be accompanied by a strange man named Viktor. He does remedial work and is not treated with much respect. He goes through puberty? Wait what? And he eventually finds a Shellos in the pond that he has to clean.

    You're story is quirky and a parody of many typical Pokemon journeys. I quite enjoyed the craziness of Hoppyfred and Professor Bush. The events that led up to Hoppyfred seeing the Shellos were interesting, letting the reader learn more about the strange mind and life of Hoppyfred and your world that you created for him. Giving him odd simple "chores" instead of "assignments" also was a nice twist that let the reader both like and hate Bush... Lol Hating Bush...Anyways

    The only thing that bothered me was:

    Before they set off for the next town (which according to Hoppyfred’s town map was ‘Carmine Town’), he picked up his Spheal from home.
    I guess it was mentioned in the first part, but it seemed random. I didn't know why Spheal was at this house, or that he was even close to his home.

    Grammar:
    Not a lot of mistakes but here are the ones you did have:

    “H-Ho...” Hoppyfred coughed to clear his throat, and almost swallowed his tongue. “Hoppyfred.”
    Hoppyfred both coughed and almost swallowed, so a comma isn't needed before the "and." The comma would be used if someone else had "almost swallowed his tongue."

    And I need to say that you used colons correctly in this instance, but semicolons wrong:
    She made a quick mental note: lacks social skills; appears to be a stranger to toothpaste; points when agitated.
    You can use semicolons in a list, but only if using commas will confuse the reader. Here is an example of proper use:

    Mark saw three Pokemon: Shellos, the Sea Slug Pokemon; Pikachu, the Mouse Pokemon; and Mew, the New Species Pokemon.

    If I used all commas in the previous sentence, the reader might think that I'm listing 6 things instead of 3. So for your list, use commas.

    Also, you can use the colon for segmental speech as in:
    “Now tell me, what’s your name?”
    Should be:
    “Now, tell me: what’s your name?”
    You had a few spelling mistakes(correct spelling): uknown(unknown) and realised(realized).

    Another thing that bothered me was the uses of "(" and "):

    Wrong:
    Before they set off for the next town (which according to Hoppyfred’s town map was ‘Carmine Town’), he picked up his Spheal from home.

    The screen lit up as Professor Bush’s beautiful face and body appeared on the screen. Hoppyfred cursed his hormones inwardly (but at the same time was eternally grateful that only his face and upper body were on Professor Bush’s screen). “Hello, Professor!”

    Fine:
    Hoppyfred looked at her like you would look at a person who had proposed opening a new restaurant called “MukDonald’s” – in a clown suit (naturally).


    “Okay, Maggie, Flail!” he shouted decisively, only realising after what a clown he would look like if this failed again. Luckily, his Magikarp sprung into action, and (predictably) managed to strike the flower-slug/slug-flower-thing, which promptly collapsed. So much for an epic battle.
    The first two instances are correct without the parentheses, since it is not necessarily added information, but essential to the story. The "(naturally)" and "(predictably)" are both correct since they are not actually needed for the context they are but additive in the mood.

    Also, near the end, your paragraphing wears out:

    The orange fish looked up blankly at Hoppyfred. The flower-slug-thing took advantage of this opportunity and blasted the Magikarp with a stream of mud. The Magikarp flailed about wildly. Hoppyfred cursed as he realised he knew nothing about the moves of a Magikarp. “Um... Water Gun?”
    should be:
    The orange fish looked up blankly at Hoppyfred.

    The flower-slug-thing took advantage of this opportunity and blasted the Magikarp with a stream of mud.

    The Magikarp flailed about wildly.

    Hoppyfred cursed as he realised he knew nothing about the moves of a Magikarp. “Um... Water Gun?”
    You should always start a new paragraph when someone/something new does an action or speaks.

    Detail:

    A good amount of detail. You didn't overly describe everything, unless it was necessary to show off Hoppyfred's strange mind. Though the very repetitive use of "looked at him in a way" was funny at first, then got annoying.

    Just like “Pin the Tail on the Donkey”, which was a game notable for being one of the few things Hoppyfred wasn’t scared of. It was probably because whenever Hoppyfred played Pin the Tail on the Donkey, the blindfold was always never completely on, and he just peeked underneath it, navigating his way to the donkey. He actually won the Under-12 World Pin the Tail on the Donkey Championship. Good times.
    While it was funny later with Bush's reaction, it was still random.

    Length:

    28,409 characters with spaces

    You beat the min/max for a Simple Pokemon. Since your story was so interesting, I didn't have trouble reading it despite its length.

    Reality:
    The world of Hoppyfred is an interesting one, that I could actually see happening as a Pokemon special, for teenagers, because of the puberty thing.

    Battle:
    Specifically, I thought that the battle between Magikarp and Shellos was fine, though a bit short. I know that a Magikarp doesn't have many moves, and it was funny watching Hoppyfred fail on moves, but still one Flail?

    If this was for a Mudkip, the battle would have to be much longer and more interesting since it is a Hard Pokemon.

    Personal Feelings:
    Liked it, one of the funnier stories I have read, which helps your case. Though at time it seemed random, it was interesting.

    Verdict:



    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  5. #5

    Default Re: (NWC) Hoppyfred's Grand Adventure! (sorta...) #2

    Aweeeeeeeesome.

    Thank you very much! :)

    I'll try to take your pointers on board for my next story.
    Mine gramerrs r teh awusums.

    URPG Trainer Stats Page|Hoppyfred's Grand Adventure! (sorta...): (#1|#2)

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