Thread: Not as they seem [Chapter One]

Not as they seem

"It shall be some time before we see you," my Father droned as Alfred, our butler, hurled my aged suitcase onto the ground below. "I wouldn't even get your hopes up for seeing us this upcoming Winter. I can assure you we will be busy," he said callously from the car window. Alfred opened the door to the large people-carrier as my Father rolled the tinted windows up. I stared at him awkwardly for those few seconds, unsure of what to say. The engine roared into life and I watched as the car revved forward and off into the sunset, slowly growing smaller and smaller the farther away it went.

"Bye," I whispered, staring at the car speeding away. It was quite some time before I picked up the case and turned to face the intimidating building ahead. The dull prison school was going to be my home for a very long time, I may aswell try and enjoy the time I spend here, I thought to myself. Afterall, life can only get better. How wrong I was... How very, very wrong.

I trudged up to the brass gates ahead. Pointed spikes pointed out menacingly from the top and a howling lion's head seemed to be the knocker. I gave it a quick rap and self-consciously tucked a blonde string of hair behind my ear. A silence pressed against the cold evening for several minutes. Then, I heard quick footsteps approaching. The gate swung open to reveal a large brute of a man. He was wearing tattered clothes of commoners and his back seemed slightly hunched. His face had a dopey expression plastered onto it. He snatched up my case and began to waddle off. I followed hesitantly, arms folded.

Several minutes later we arrived at the entrance to the school. The gardens were magnificent and well-trimmed but I was already homesick. Although, I was not wanted there. Infact, I was feared there. Several students walked by us but most didn't even spare us a second glance. We entered into the main hall and then took a sharp right, past a flock of scowling well-dressed students and onto the boys dormitory. The brute carrying my suitcase paused outside of a room, threw my case onto the ground and began to walk away.

"Hey! Where are you going?" I snapped.

"I done job."

Oh, he was clearly a simpleton. I despised simpletons.

"Yes, you did very well. Is this my room here?"

"Uh yes. That you room," he said oddly. He stared at me for a few seconds before doing that odd waddle again I turned my attention to the shiny green door, grabbed the handle and slowly pushed forwards into the room. It was pitch-black inside and I groped around in the dark for a bit. My hand hit off of the switch and the room was flooded with light. It was then that I realised I was not alone. There was a sullen-looking boy, around my age, lying on the bed. He gave his jet black hair a quick flick as he stared at me with cold grey eyes.

"Hi," I started, but he averted his gaze back to the book he was reading. "I'm going to be your new roommate. My name is James." He acted as though I wasn't there. Anger rushed through me and I could feel the change happening. NO! Not now, I couldn't let them know about me. I gave a sigh and shuffled over to the other bed, flung my suitcase on the floor and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was fast asleep.

...

As soon as my eyes slid open, I knew there was something wrong. My heart was beating fast, much faster than it should be. My vision was magnified and I could see all around me without having to move my extreme yellow eyes. Two antennae pricked up as I felt motion from somewhere in the room. I hopped out of bed, nervous. I darted to the bathroom without sparing a glance backwards. My red feet skimming across the carpeted floor. The bathroom was only a few steps away. I could make it without him realis-

BAM!

Something hit me and I was knocked over. I looked around to see my roommate staring in disbelief at me. A Pokemon was in his dorm room. He stared at me in shock as he slowly get up from the bed.

"Why is there a Venonat in our-" he started speaking excitedly but the rest of his words were muffled as his mouth was forced close by an unknown force. His hands darted to his mouth, desperately trying to pry them open. But, I knew it wouldn't work. His mouth would be stuck like that until I willed them open. My heart was racing a mile a minute. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. I needed to calm down. After the third or fourth deep breath I could feel myself change and I embraced the change. In a matter of seconds I was back to my normal self. My roommate gawked in bewilderment.

This was bad. Very, very bad. They knew my secret and I had only been here a night. This was bad. Perhaps... I stalled. Perhaps I should kill him, I thought to myself. Yes, that was surely the only sollution. Slowly, I advanced on the poor boy. I could feel my teeth enlarging. Soon I had two large fangs hanging from my gums. He backed away on the bed. He backed up into the wall. In his cold eyes, I saw fear but... there was something else-- was it excitement? I stopped. My fangs retreating back into my gums. I was not a killer. I simply couldn't do it to him. All I could do was to hope he wouldn't tell everyone. Not that people would likely believe him. I was hunted once for being what I am. It was not going to happen again. I had to scare the boy.

"Hey, you!" I hissed. "I want nothing more than to sink my teeth into you and tear up that juicy flesh of yours. But, I sense promise. I will let you go for now. Be warned though... if you tell a soul about this, I will personally make you regret being born," I added with as much venom as possible. I lifted the Disable from his mouth to hear him speak.

"Y-y-yes," he stuttered. "I didn't mean to harm you. I'm so s-so-orry," he whimpered. "I shouldn't have thrown a book at you."

I turned my back to him and sat on the edge pf my bed.

"Eh."

"What?" I sighed.

"Are you a Pokemorph?" he asked.

My head spun around.

"A what!?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"A Pokemorph. They're humans that can transform into Pokemon. Some have a set Pokemon they can transform into a set Pokemon only but others are more powerful and do... disastrous things," he said. I could hear the excitement in his voice.

"You mean... there are more of my kind?" I quizzed, blood rushing through my veins. My parents had tried to keep me socially retarded. I never could read the papers or watch the television for that matter. I had no contact with the outside world other than my private tutor.

"Yes, but there are few known to man," he said.

"Maybe we can get along, chump," I sniffed. "But, if you tell a soul.." I threaded off making cutting gestures.

I could practically hear him gulp as he nodded solemnly.

"Look," I said with a sigh. "I didn't mean to scare you... honest. It's hard to control when I change so I apologise. If people knew what I really was, they... they just wouldn't understand."

"How long have you been able to change?"

"Ever since I was very young. My first change was just after a trip to the zoo with my parents. I saw this Pokemon. An amazing Pokemon. Here! Let me show you what it is."

I could feel my body growing larger and my shoulders grew much broader. There was an odd, yet familiar, stretching feeling inside. My toes shot out and when my eyes opened I could tell my roommate was impressed.

"Kangaskhan, I believe."

"What?"

"That Pokemon's called Kangaskhan. It's an incredibly powerful and rare Pokemon." After an awkwardly long silence he continued speaking. "Would you do me a favour?"

"Depends..." I trailed off. I didn't want to help this guy exactly but I needed to keep on his good side.

"Would you pretend to be my Pokemon for a day? People here kind of think of me as a loser and if I had a good Pokemon... maybe they'd respect me.

"Maybe."

"Please, man. I really would appreciate your help on this," he said, those cold eyes lighting up.

"Ugh, fine. Just one day though.. And, eh, what's your name?" I asked nervously.

"Derek."

...

The night air was brisk and I found even breathing difficult, for some unknown reason. A gentle breeze brushed against my skin and I shuddered. The stalky reeds around me swayed as the wind blew by. My ears pricked as their voices reached me. I could hear one word, chanted by scores of villagers. Just one word.

Freak.

The light from their flaming torches licked at the ever-present darkness. The light from those magenta flames illuminated the people of olden belief. They marched towards me and I knew I had to go. I had to leave now. But, the truth is, I was petrified; rooted to the spot with fear. They knew I was crouching here. They knew there was no escape for me. They knew I... was their prey. Accepting a certain death, I rose to my feet. They screeched and hissed at me like wild animals as rotten tomatoes were hurled at me. A lone tear streaked down my cheek as they repeated that one hurtful word.

Freak.

"Back off, you disgusting vultures!" a man shouted at the villagers. The voice sounded familiar but I was too scared to recognise him. "He is still the same person. He cannot help what he has become. Please, at least grant him some form of a life. Have you all no shame!?" the man roared.

A different man stood out from the crowd. His taut face was lined with hate. He spat on the ground in disgust as he stared at me and my unknown defendant.

"Funny hoe you're so caring for your son, Howard," the man sneered.

My heart stopped. It was my Father. He must not hate me. My heart filled with hope for that split second.

"After all, Howard. Weren't you the one who wanted him dead in the first place?!" the man snapped.

My hopes were shattered . My life came crashing down before my eyes.

"B-bu," my Father stuttered.

My body began to tremble with anger and the fear left my body instantly. "WHAT?!" I shouted at him. "It was you!" I screamed. The anger overwhelmed me and I could feel my body start to change. It greyw larger and my shoulders broadened. My jaw stretched forward and I felt wings burst out from my back. It wasn't painful in the slightest; it felt like the most natural thing in the world.I had morphed into one of the most feared creatures in existence. I had become a Salamence. The villagers screamed in panic and some of them backed away.

"No, son," my Father begged. "Change back. I didn't mean to!"

I couldn't take much more of it and I felt something start to bubble in the pit of my huge stomach. There was a warm tingling feeling as the fire surged into my mouth. My blue jaw snapped open and I spat out the fire ball. I closed my eyes and gave my powerful scarlet wings some strong flaps as I took up into the sky. I began to fly away. Flying into the unknown. I glanced back to see thick black smoke wafting into the air behind me. Those orange flames swallowed up the grass. If any of them survived, I would be amazed. It took a few seconds before I could admit it, but when I said it, I felt strange; proud even.

"I am a freak!" I roared into the night sky.

...

"Deerling?" I repeated. "Yeah, it sounds familiar... could you describe it?"

"It's a small, beige-pink fawn-like Pokemon, I believe. It has a tudt of spring flowers atop its head and it has beautiful chestnut eyes. They have long pink ears, with an egg-yolk yellow inside. Is that enough?"

"What's its feet shaped like?"

"Little hooves... Yeah, that's it."

Changing shape at will was a much harder thing to do, but this was for a smaller-shaped Pokemon so it would be easier, luckily. I closed my eyes and began to envision this deer Pokemon. I let my body relax and slump a little. Within a few I could feel my body descending in size, my ears shooting upwards and just different changes everywhere. I opened my new chestnut eyes and looked up at the human.

"Perfect," he said with a smile. "Now, get in this Pokeball, won't you?" Without waiting for an answer a red beam encircled me, drawing me in. I was powerless to resist and I was in the cosy-fitting Pokeball after just a little bit, calm and relaxed.

...

"You better not be shittin' me, kid," a deep voice snarled. "A real Pokemorph better be inside this or I'll do untold things to you. Got it?"

The boy nodded, dropped the Pokeball of the Deerling on the ground and ran. He was free of the constraints this man held over him.

Would his conscience ever forgive him?

Intended Capture: Deerling - Medium
CC: 12,339

Claiming it.

Plot: I loved it. Great story.

Your storyline was very interesting. The concept of Pokemorphs really appeals to me, and though not all is clear about them immediately (because it's the first chapter, and not because you didn't do something you should've), you gave the reader a great opening chapter.

The way you wrote the story really kept me hooked, interested at all times, and anticipating what was going to happen next. After meeting his roommate, the main character ends up morphing overnight, and secrets are revealed. That piqued my interest, and then you capitalized on it with the dream. After that, you closed the story with an intriguing section featuring the mysterious man who has some sort of interest in Pokemorphs. That type of ending is great for stories with multiple chapters, and it really gets me interested in the next chapter.

I just have a few bones to pick with you here.

Your introduction wasn't particularly exciting. Though it did the job in kicking off the story and introducing the reader to your world, it wasn't perfect. I think it could've been a bit more interesting, and a bit more descriptive as well. I'll continue speaking about this in the Description setting a bit later on in the Grade.

The main other thing that really frustrated me was your usage of names. Father, Alfred and the mysterious man (who, obviously, should not get his identity revealed until later in the interest of keeping readers interested and keeping him mysterious) are all in the clear. The main problem I have is with the two most prominent characters in this chapter: the main character, and their roommate. I couldn't have said their names there, because I don't know what their names are. The main character's name was never mentioned once, and you need to have that mentioned in the introduction because they are the main freaking character! The roommate, meanwhile, who may or may not be big in the rest of the series but was certainly an important character in this chapter, did have his name mentioned. However, the problem was that at one point, his name was James. Later on, he introduced himself (again) as Derek. Both names were only used once, so I have nothing so much as similar to a clue to guess what his name actually is. Naming characters is arguably the most important thing in a story, and you can't make mistakes with names.

Ultimately, however, those problems are not enough to override your insanely awesome storyline. Though those problems are relatively big, I really, really, really like how you shaped the plot. Those problems should be fixed in any other chapters/stories you write from now on, however. Regardless, you're good here.

Length: Clearly, you're in the clear.

Grammar: A couple of sloppy mistakes here (and no, I didn't count the "caveman speak" by the brute at the beginning).

The dull prison school was going to be my home for a very long time, I may aswell try and enjoy the time I spend here, I thought to myself. Afterall, life can only get better.

A couple of mistakes here. There was no space between 'as well' or 'after all' (and there as was an 'in fact' that also needed a space a few paragraphs later), but that's not the main issue. Focusing solely on the first sentence, I think it would sound a bit better if the thought was split up into two sentences.

Within a few I could feel my body descending in size, my ears shooting upwards and just different changes everywhere.

I know that when you're talking about time, you can just say something like "Give me a few!" and everybody understands that you want a few more minutes. However, it's a bit too casual for stories. Though it's okay for spoken dialogue between characters (then again, just about anything is), if you're going to narrarate a part of the story, you should really say 'a few seconds/minutes/hours'. In some cases, you could mix them up.

Without waiting for an answer a red beam encircled me, drawing me in.

After a long introductory clause or phrase (in this case, 'Without waiting for an answer", you need a comma.

There were some other typos in there. I'll list them quickly, and you can Ctrl+F them if you want to clean it up for future readers.

'Hoe' should be 'how', 'greyw' should be 'grew', no space after the period in 'world.I', 'to' should be 'too', and 'tudt' should be 'tuft'.

Really, your grammar wasn't as great as I had expected. While it works for a Medium rank Pokemon, I highly recommend being a bit more careful and/or proofreading to make sure you get all those little things. A typo now and then won't kill you, but I counted five of them in your story. When they start piling up like that, then it starts to make an impact.

Still, this'll do. :P

Description: For the most part, this was below average. You described quite a couple of things, but not everything.

The main character, for example. I have absolutely no clue what he looks like as a human. He should be described in the beginning as he is the main character of the story. Your introduction is supposed to lay out the foundation for your story, and that includes telling the reader what the main character looks like. However, you did do a fantastic job describing the various Pokemon he transformed into.

The school, James/Derek, and the dream were described pretty well. Those descriptions were ones that you should build upon, whereas your description of the room, for example, was virtually nonexistant and should be avoided.

You need to focus on describing what you see in your mind's eye when you imagine the scene you're writing (as well as what s/he feels with the other senses). It really helps the reader understand what the character is going through, which results in a much better story in general.

I have faith in your writing abilities, and I know you have the ability to improve the descriptiveness (may or may not be a word) of your stories. Look at what you've done here, and try and focus on improving that for next time.

Battle/Climax: As this story has the feel of a part of a much bigger story and this was really more of an introductory chapter, it didn't really have a climax that stood out.

However, you did everything right. You built up to a climatic end, and your dramatic ending was akin to a true climax. Ultimately, your "true" climax will come in the last couple of chapters of this story, but try and get some sort of climatic moment in each chapter. This one was good, and the ending was a very impactful one. I myself feel intrigued as to what will happen, and that's a very good and climatic way to close out a chapter.

Most importantly, you should try and continue to find ways to make your reader feel emotions. Your ending was really good at this. Everything from the mysterious man to that dramatic last sentence was eerie. If you know how to convey other emotions, you should certainly give it a try as you continue writing this story. With a plot like this, it would be very successful.

Good job here, keep it up.

Outcome: I debated this. Your plot was amazing, and I loved the suspense throughout the story. However, there were many parts that were lacking or nonexistant, and a lot of them were somewhat important.

Despite that, Deerling Captured!. Looking at the story as a whole, I liked it. Though it was certainly flawed in some areas, I think it was good enough for you to take home the Deerling. However, you must remember things such as names and main character descriptions. Those things are vital and could ruin you if you forget them.