Not So Enlightening

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  1. #1
    The Hero You Never Needed Neonsands's Avatar
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    Default Not So Enlightening

    Somewhere, up in the clouds, lives a mighty Slaking. This particular Slaking was special in being the sole Pokemon to achieve Enlightenment. His kingdom was that of Nirvana, a fabled and mythical land of pure relaxation and happiness. Anything the Slaking could think of was within reach in an instant. It was a time of pure joy for the Slaking. That was until the second Pokemon to reach Enlightenment appeared.

    This new inhabitant of Nirvana was an Exploud. It had found its true calling life and reached bliss through noise. For any Whismur, this was only a childhood dream, but this particular one proved it possible. He was perhaps the exact opposite of the already present Slaking.

    Now the first few days went by fine. They both seemed to keep to themselves, creating and defining a kingdom for each. Roughly a month from the appearance of the Exploud, he arranged a meeting with the Slaking. And they talked. Things progressed rather simply. That was until they each gave detailed accounts of how they reached Nirvana.

    The Slaking had been the leader of a mafia. He owned hundreds of casinos and had deeply indulged himself in many of the seven deadly sins. The Slaking ate whatever he wanted and lounged about, paying underlings to run his business empire for him. His final memories involved the Slaking running his main rival out of business and celebrating with Farfetch'd wings. For added effect he used the leek of the Farfetch'd as a toothpick. His pride finally overflowing and drowning him into Nirvana.

    Exploud had a different story, one very different from that of the Slaking. Instead of living in the lap luxury, Exploud was a poor farmer who had come across rough times. His crops hadn't been growing, his Miltanks weren't giving milk, and he had fallen into debt trying to pay off his farm's mortgage. His Enlightenment had come when he seperated himself from all of his possetions and ventured off into the wilderness. After finding peace away from any sort of government, Exploud created bonds with all wild creatures, learning all their dialects and secrets. The things he learned helped further his understanding of the world, so much so, that he was rumored to have the knowledge of the world. One day, Exploud was visited by a mysterious visitor who told him a particular secret that sent his knowledge overboard. Everything suddenly made sense and his mind blanked. He then woke up in Nirvana.

    Both Pokemon now grew wary of the other. Slaking never trusted the braniac type of guys. While, Exploud always hated greedy corporate owners. They both didn't want to male the other aware of their discontent, so they politefully excluded themselves from each other's afterlives.

    Soon, though, Exploud used his profound knowledge to create other Pokemon to live with. He conceived a Ralts and a Whismur. The Ralts was modeled after a childhood friend, and he possessed every single personality trait of the original. The Whismur was modeled after Exploud's brother, who was exactly how Exploud remembered him. The three lived joyfully in the electronic palace that Exploud had created.

    Slaking, soon found out about this achievement and was overcome with jealousy. He was not one to be outdone and do nothing about it. He put everything he had into figuring out how to create other Pokemon, but it was to no availl. Slaking just lacked the knowledge of how to do it, and was incapable of figuring it out on his own.

    Slaking did lack knowledge, but he more than made up for it in cunning and guile. He invited Exploud and his new friends over to dinner. Not wanting to be a bad afterlife partner, Exploud graciously accepted. Now, Slaking had devised a clever plan. He would wine and dine his guests until Exploud would become very loose lipped.

    Soon after, Slaking's guests arrived. Slaking greeted them all with open arms; he fooled everyone, except Exploud. Exploud had learned of Slaking's trickery and still maintained a healthy quantity of caution. For very good reason.

    They ate and conversed, Slaking's guests all quickly fell unto a drunken stupor. They were loud, reckless, and above all else, very open. Slaking saw this as his golden opportunity. He asked asked the group the stories of how the two new inhabitants of Nirvana came to be Enlightened. Both clumsily explained that neither had actually moved on to Nirvana, but were instead created from Exploud's memories. Slaking played Devil's advocate and asked Exploud how this was possible.

    Thanks to the skepticism Exploud had kept throughout the whole dinner, he was able to maintain a pretty tight grasp on what information he was giving out. Exploud did share his creation process with Slaking, but he left out his guide on free-form creation. This left Slaking with only the ability to recreate people from his memories.

    Soon after getting the information he had so desperately craved, Slaking finished his feast, and bid his guests goodnight. Eager to try out his new abilities, Slaking remembered his most promising son; leading to his first attempt at life giving creation. As the Slaking put his mind to work, particles began to form roughly ten feet in front of Slaking. They quickly began to condense into arms and legs, and soon enough took form into a complete upper and lower torso. Now came the difficult part; Slaking would have to remember all of the characteristics his son had once possessed.

    As a head began to form on Slaking's creation, so to did its personality. The newly formed white ape appeared to be lazy and boring, but boy were first impressions wrong. This little white ape was the most charismatic and forceful youth that had graced existence. His voice carried such a tone of pride and belief, that it could convince even Arceus that it was no more than a lowly Magikarp.

    This youth immediately greeted Slaking with open arms. Slaking was taken by surprise; he had never been greeted in such a manner ever before. It kind of felt good, but his body couldn't react. It had been ages since he had even experienced this foreign notion of a 'hug'. Slaking began to feel the warmth of a camp fire begin to flow from himself.

    --------------

    Slaking was quickly enveloped in a golden aura. A bright blast of light blinded Slaking, blurring his sorroundings. As his eyes slowly refocused, Slaking realized that he was no longer in his castle. In fact, there were no walls around him, only trees and darkness.

    As Slaking began to walk, he felt tears stream down his face. He wasn't sad though, only extremely confused. When he put his arm up to wipe his eyes, he notices that it was significantly smaller. This put him off because it had been years since he was this tiny. That is when it dawned on him; he was now in a memory. But he couldn't seem to place exactly where he was.

    The next thing Slaking knew, an eerie screech boomed from behind him. His legs instinctively began to move as a nervous shiver travelled down his spine. He ran through the thick forest, unsure of when it would end. Suddenly, he saw a dim light break through the clearing in the trees.

    As Slaking pushed on through the clearing, he realized where he was, and why he was here. Towering in front of him was a gigantic concrete structure, lit up by hundreds of neon signs. Each sign a subtle promise to the senses. They whispered tantalizing secrets of love and wealth to your most primal instincts.

    Slaking didn't mean to approach the building, but after staring at the hypnotizing signs above the building, he found himself right up front of the building. It was even more monstrous than before. Now Slaking could easily make out the grand cathedral like design around the gateway. It was as if this temple was erected in the image of the wealthiest and most sinful god in existence.

    Slaking was now curious as to what secrets this haven protected. He couldn't help but take a peek inside. As he opened the door to the palace before him, he was immediately introduced to the intoxicating aroma of perfume and alcohol. Every single corner of the building was a symbiotic creature that perfectly paired with the next. Their assault on the senses was a perfectly staged attack that left even the most prepared men awry.

    Slaking wanted to see more. He quickly walked straight over to the lit up isles of moving machinery. Each had a particular pokemon perched in front of it, all of which seemed too transfixed on the motion in front of them to even notice the other wonders of the building. Suddenly Slaking was wrenched from his viewings by an outburst nearby. Two Machamps in fancy black suits dragged a Mawile away from one of the electric consoles, the Mawile screaming the whole time.

    Slaking was so perplexed by this situation that he hadn't even noticed a figure creep up behind him. He was finally alerted to its presence when he felt a strong hand fall upon his shoulder. He jumped and quickly looked around to find out who this figure was.

    In front of him was a Nidoking, with the huge presence Slaking was never quite able to get, and this one had one major difference from the others Slaking had met; he was smiling a genuine smile and laughing a genuine laugh. Something Slaking hadn't heard or seen in ages. Slaking felt familiarity exude from his commanding presence, but still couldn't recall this particular memory or person.

    He introduced himself as the owner of this fine casino. He asked Slaking about how he got here, and where his parents were at. Not knowing how to answer, Slaking responded with the first thing that came to kind, staring that his parents had died recently and he was just curious about this building. Nidoking immediately sympathized with the boy, and offered him a place to stay. Slaking happily accepted.

    As Slaking looked up at the bright face glowing face of his new caretaker, the lights all around him began to brighten. They kept getting brighter and brighter until Slaking couldn't see anymore. He slowly felt his body bulk up again and drain of the warmth it just had.

    --------------

    The lights slowly began to dim again and soon Slaking saw the feast table from before, and in front of it stood his heir. Slaking remembered the hug his son had given him. He felt the warmth of it still draining from himself. His vision then started to get blurry.

    As he began to panic at the sudden cold he felt and the blur in his vision, he cast a glance at his heir. In his son's hand was a blood-stained dagger that dripped with freshly drawn blood. As Slaking watched the Slakoth in front of him polish his blade clean of blood, he looked down upon the puddle of blood below him. He felt around his chest for a wound, but felt none. As it dawned on him, he felt his back and the wet fur that was now bleached red.

    Soon it dawned on Slaking, he remembered that Nidoking from his flashback. He remembered what he had done to his father. He remembered why it happened. And he remembered the remorse he felt for it. Now he had something else to feel remorse for... Filling this monster in front of him with his repressed evil. Slaking's last thoughts went out to Exploud, hoping he could deal with the new menace that would fight for Nirvana.
    Last edited by Neonsands; 26th January 2011 at 08:27 PM.

  2. #2
    The Hero You Never Needed Neonsands's Avatar
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    Default Re: Work In Progress

    Intended captures: Slakoth and Whismur

    Simple X2

    10k required

    11k achieved

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    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Not So Enlightening

    Claimed. Also, even if you're binging metaphorically, it is still painful.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
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  4. #4
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Not So Enlightening

    Intro: The intro to your story is pretty simple. I'd venture to say it's similar to 'once upon a time'. There's nothing wrong with this and in fact, it works out pretty well for your story, mostly because your whole story plays out as a fairytale. It's a grim fairytale for sure, but a fairytale nevertheless. Your intro isn't particularly grasping, but it's still pretty good. No major problems with it. You do have a little hook at the end of that first paragraph:

    That was until the second Pokemon to reach Enlightenment appeared.
    So that's good. For a simple story, this is fine, but in the future you might want to try for something with more of an impact. Eh. I might be nitpicking. Anyways, on to the next section.

    Plot: I've never seen any story like this before on the URPG, so good job. After reading a few of your stories, I've noticed you're immensely creative. That shines through a lot in this story. We start off in Nirvana where a Slaking is the only living creature. Soon though, an Exploud joins him. They end up disliking each other and Slaking creates a copy of his favorite son which somehow absorbs all the evil in him and kills him. There is some deep stuff in there. As I mentioned before, this story plays out like a fairytale, which gives it a unique tone. This works well, since Nirvana is supposed to be an idealistic, dreamy place. You make the main characters direct opposites, which raises an interesting question. How did they both get into Nirvana? Your version of Nirvana is probably a bit different than the original Buddhist version, but I'm still curious as to how the evil Slaking and the devoted Exploud ended up in the same place. On a tangent, nice title. That's about it for this section.

    Dialogue: Your story didn't have a lot of dialogue and what you did have wasn't really heard so much, as told about by the narrator. This fits in with the fairytale tone, so it works.

    Grammar:

    That was until the second Pokemon to reach Enlightenment appeared.
    You should have a comma after 'was'.

    It had found its true calling life and reached bliss through noise.
    I think you need the word 'in' after 'calling'. Probably just a typo, but I pointed it out anyways. This is why rereads of your story are good.

    possetions
    That should be possessions.

    Slaking never trusted the braniac type of guys.
    brainiac?

    While, Exploud always hated greedy corporate owners.
    You don't need that comma, though it might be better if you combined it with the sentence right above it.

    They quickly began to condense into arms and legs, and soon enough took form into a complete upper and lower torso.
    Put a comma after 'enough'.

    As a head began to form on Slaking's creation, so to did its personality.
    To/Too switch.

    Towering in front of him was a gigantic concrete structure, lit up by hundreds of neon signs. Each sign a subtle promise to the senses.
    You can combine those two sentences. The second one is technically a fragment.

    Slaking didn't mean to approach the building, but after staring at the hypnotizing signs above the building, he found himself right up front of the building.
    Detail: Detail is the one place where your story is seriously lacking. You barely have any description of the Pokemon or of Nirvana. I ESPECIALLY wanted to know what your version of Nirvana looked like. Is it like another version of Paradise? Lots of fluffy clouds everywhere? Or is it a blank white expanse that is nothing but nothingness? Or is it even whatever the inhabitants want it to be like? We don't know. This is a place where your creativity could've shone through, but we missed out....You're going to seriously need to improve your detail in future stories.

    Length: You had around 11k and needed 10k, so you're fine.

    Reality: No problems with realism....except maybe the casino owner taking in a random orphan, but it's a fairytale. Suspension of disbelief ftw.

    Personal Feelings: I enjoy your writing, and while this isn't you at your best, it still shows a lot of promise. You need to REALLY REALLY REALLY work on your prose and on your description. Some grammar practice wouldn't hurt either. But I still like the story, so.....

    Outcome: Slakoth and Whismur.....captured.

    I expect to see your writing improve. In the meantime, have fun with your Pokemon!



    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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