Not a Derp(ready for grading)
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  1. #1
    Back to KM Kantomasta's Avatar
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    Default Not a Derp(ready for grading)

    Hey, i just whipped this up, so I dont know what will happen xD

    Not a Derp

    Pokemon attempted: rattata
    CC’s needed: 5-10k
    Actual CC:5561

    “Your worthless, you can’t do anything right! I don’t even know why I ever caught you! Get out of my life!” shouted a voice inside the building. I could tell that the person was angry at a Pokemon. I just couldn’t believe that he or she could talk to a Pokemon like that.

    “Don’t follow me! Get away! Away!” the voice continued. I ran over to the door, jolting it open. I looked inside, only to see a terrible sight. A boy that looked to be fourteen stood there, he hands inside his jacket pockets. He wore a blue jacket, red sweats, and a pair of blue sneakers. In front of him was an Ivysaur, staring down a poor, defenseless Rattata.

    “I told you to quit following me!” the boy yelled. The Ivysaur stepped forward, and shot out its two vines on its sides. The vines repeatedly went into the air, and whipped down onto the poor Rattata. I almost cringed and yelled out at the boy.

    “Instead, I calmly reached for the Pokeball on my belt. Pulling it off, I shot out my trustworthy partner. “Go stop ‘em buddy,” I muttered. The pokeball shot a red beam out in a line, and the beam stopped in midair, and began to take shape. The shape slowly formed into a chandelier type object, then took color. The Pokemon floating there was torch, my Chandelure.

    Torch floated towards the boy very quickly. Torch stopped between the Ivysaur and the Rattata, taking the vines himself. Ivysaur stopped quickly, and the boy looked even madder.

    “Why’d you get in my way you stupid poke-“his sentence was cut short, as more Pokemon came over. A Togekiss and an Unfezant flew over, followed closely by a Swampert and Golem. I walked over last, smiling.

    “Go ahead, finish that sentence, I dare you,” I said smugly. Chandelure began charging a Fiery Orb; Togekiss began flying back and forth very quickly, Unfezant doing the same, both Pokémon’s wings glowing silver. Lastly, Swampert and golem both held up to large boulders, preparing a rock blast.

    “C-c-c-come on I-I-Ivysaur,” the boy stuttered. The duo turned around, and dashed for the door. I smiled, and my Pokemon quit charging their attacks. I bent down and looked at the Rattata.

    “You okay little buddy? It’s ok, we won’t hurt you, we’re your friends,” I said soothingly. The Rattata began to smile, then looked up at all of my Pokemon, and shuttered, getting scared. I grabbed my pokeballs, and returned all of my Pokemon but Togekiss.

    “See, they can’t hurt you,” I slowly said. Togekiss floated down and landed on the ground. She smiled at the Rattata, and Rattata slowly moved closer to Togekiss. Togekiss smiled even wider, and Rattata smiled. Rattata then tapped the rest of my pokeballs one by one, releasing the Pokemon. Rattata smiled at each of them in turn.

    I still remember that day like it was yesterday. For weeks afterwards, we trained, grinded, trying to be the very best. Rattata became part of the family, getting over his fears and worries.

    Then the day came. Rattata had just evolved a couple of days before that. The day we encountered that boy again, the day Raticate had finally showed him up.

    “You! You’re the one that took my Pokemon! You stole him from me!” the boy yelled out at me. I was staring at him calmly from across an open field.

    “I never stole him! You abused him and he wanted to go with me, wanted to be safer!” I yelled back.

    “Well then how about this! We battle, one on one. Me and you, winner gets him!” the boy yelled again.

    “Fine!” I shouted, feeling confident. The boy threw a pokeball into the air, and a Venasaur appeared. I knew this Venasaur was the Ivysaur from before. I began to reach for Torch’s pokeball, but another one flashed first. Raticate appeared before me, and gave me a slight nod.

    “Are you sure, you don’t have to do this,” I told Raticate.

    “Rat-rati-catecate,” Raticate said. After being around him, I knew this meant “yes I do”. I nodded and slightly smiled.

    Raticate ran out onto the battlefield and stared at Venasaur. “Vine Whip!” my opponent yelled, not wasting any time.

    “Dodge it!” I commanded. I knew that the training would pay off. The green overgrown dinosaur shot its two whips out and began lashing towards the brown rat. Raticate jumped and twirled, going between the vines. I smiled. Venasaur ended the attack, and Raticate hit the ground, ready to attack.

    “Ok Buddy, tackle!” I yelled.

    “Take-down!” the boy yelled across the field as a counter-attack. The two Pokemon ran towards each other, but Raticate was faster. He sidestepped and spun on his hind legs, ramming into Venasaur from the side.

    Venasaur staggered to the side, never even finishing his own attack. “Razor Leaf!” the boy shouted, acting like there was no time. The Venasaur recovered quicker than I expected. It spun around and shot sharp leaves at my brown rat. The leaves collided before Raticate had a chance to react. Raticate stumbled and rolled. Jumping quickly on his feet, Rattata looked to me.

    “Quick attack to get up close, and then use Hyper Fang,” I commanded. Raticate shot forward at a blinding speed, and then slowed down long enough for me to see its outstretched jaws clamp down on Venasaur. Venasaur roared in pain, and stumbled backwards.

    “Take down now!” I shouted. Raticate ran forward and slammed the green dinosaur. Venasaur fell over, and fainted.

    “UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” the boy screamed from the other side. He quickly returned his Pokemon and ran off.

    “Nice one boy!” I shouted, running out to Raticate. I picked him up and hugged him, smiling. “We did it…” I said.
    My 3ds FC: 0018 2172 7225 Safari: Rock Feel free to add me! I can only get on wifi maybe once a week at most though!
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  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Not a Derp(ready for grading)

    Introduction/Plot:

    Not much I can do in the way of an introduction critique because it’s hard to do so for short stories. There usually isn’t enough substance to talk about. If I have nothing to say about a section it’s usually a good thing, but in this case we do need to talk about a few things.

    Firstly, I did like the dramatic opening. The confrontation was interesting to read and see how it developed. This served well as a hook, something to draw the readers in and keep their attention on the story. A hook isn’t needed that much on a short story, but it never hurts and can serve as practice for any longer stories you attempt.

    Now, what needs to be addressed is that of location. I have no idea where the opening part of the story took place, there was no detail nor any information about the area. Even for these low ranks this information is essential, you can’t leave it out even if everything else superb.

    This ties in to the description portion, but does have a part in the introduction. That is detail on the main character, and we have nothing on him. We have some on the cross trainer, but nothing on the more important character. Just like the piece above this is some essential information.

    That’s all for the introduction, so let’s turn to the plot. Simple and original, it works for me. Instead of finding a wild Pokemon you end up rescuing and saving one. Saving a Pokemon has appeared in stories before, but it’s a good way to capture Pokemon without having a battle. You did have a battle at the end that served as a climax, and that was also a good thing. Every story should have an ending that is being worked towards, and in this case that was the Raticate’s growth. As for the battle itself, it was evenly matched and fun to read, nothing to really critique about. Good job here.

    Description:

    Small story so I don’t expect much. However, some areas you hit and some you didn’t. I already discussed about one above, and that was about the main character, who we had nothing about. Since you put some on the other trainer I know you’re capable of doing it, I just don’t know why you didn’t. Maybe it slipped your mind, but it doesn’t really matter because it wasn’t there. Never leave this out in any stories.

    Next up is Pokemon description. Raticate and Chandelure were described in a good enough manner that one could easily picture them, but you really needed a bit more on the Venusaur or the other Pokemon that appeared in the opening. Since those other Pokemon didn’t have a major role I’m going to focus on the Venusaur.

    The green overgrown dinosaur shot its two whips out and began lashing towards the brown rat.
    This is bad detail for the simple reason that it’s way too vague. The only thing not vague is that the Pokemon is green. Think of it this way, if I didn’t know what a Venusaur looked like would I be able to draw a reasonably accurate picture of it. The answer is a solid no. All the Pokemon should have a mixture of general and specific detail for the reader to understand what they look like.

    One final thing, your attack were decently described. Unlike the Pokemon, I had no problem visualizing what they were.

    Grammar:

    A fair number of mistakes that I didn’t expect to see from you. Some are simple typos that should have been caught with a read-over, but others are trends that you need to pay attention to and watch out for in future stories.

    “[Your] worthless, you can’t do anything right!
    Minor mistake, but one that should have been caught with a read-over, it’s the first word in the story. It should be ‘you’re’ not ‘your’.

    The pokeball shot a red beam out in a line, and the beam stopped in midair, and began to take shape.
    While it’s not specifically required to capitalize all things Pokemon, I usually say that it should. The problem is that you didn’t capitalize ‘Pokeball’ in the sentence. If you are going to capitalize everything else Pokemon related then you should be consistent.

    “Why’d you get in my way you stupid poke-“[]his sentence was cut short, as more Pokemon came over.
    Missing a space here.

    “Go ahead, finish that sentence, I dare you,” I said[,] smugly.
    You need a comma after ‘said’.

    Lastly, Swampert and [g]olem both held up to large boulders, preparing a [r]ock [b]last.
    Consistency is key here, once again, all three need to be capitalized. This was throughout the story, and it really shouldn’t be. Watch out for these in future writing attempts.

    “Well then[,] how about this! We battle, one on one. Me and you, winner gets him!” the boy yelled again.
    Need a comma in this spot.

    “Ok[,] Buddy, tackle!” I yelled.
    Need a comma before the name.

    Raticate stumbled and rolled. Jumping quickly on his feet, [Rattata] looked to me.
    This is a reason I don’t like to evolve Pokemon in my stories or use Pokemon that are similar. That ‘Rattata’ should be ‘Raticate’.

    Venasaur roared in pain[,] and stumbled backwards.
    This comma needs to be deleted.

    “Take down[,] now!” I shouted.
    A comma is needed here.

    Length:

    It’s a Rattata, so why you even went for it is beyond me.

    Conclusion:

    Rattata Captured. More problems than I expected, but it was still good enough to warrant a pass. Watch out for the things I pointed out and have fun with the Pokemon.

    @KantoMasta
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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