- 1 Post By Akinai
12th February 2013, 05:29 AM #1
I was in this cramped room full of this fluid I have been swimming for a month. In a month, my whole body was developing inside this room. My brown fur was not dry because of the liquid that surrounded me. My furred head was also soaked, along with my little, pink nose. My feet were struggling to move in this place. I could feel something that resembles a cord which was attached to my navel. With it, I never needed any food. Suddenly, I felt like I was being sucked out of my location. I am moving out of this room unintentionally. Head first; I felt air seeping through my now-opened nose. I must say, the air was delicious! It was like giving me a weird sensation that flowed through my body. Now, my body was outside of the previous place. After that, some creature I still couldn’t see was licking my still-soaked body. Because of it, my body was becoming dry. Out of nowhere, I heard some creatures talking to each other in a language I couldn’t understand what it meant.
“Son, look at the new Lillipup puppy!” That was the thing that I heard from the creature.
Suddenly, the creature that I think that made me dry suddenly took hold of me with its mouth. It was swaying me in a dizzying motion. I wanted to scream, but nothing would come out from me yet.
“Dad! What is Stoutland doing?!” A younger voice freaked out, screaming very loudly.
The dizziness-inducing action of the creature that had hold of me continued. I couldn’t still see it, but I could feel its teeth digging through my flesh. This made me agonize in pain. The rocking motion continued until my fragile head struck something hard. With that, I lost my senses. I looked dead and couldn’t move. Then, something still unknown grabbed me, carried me, and dropped me gently on some rough surface. Then, some more of the rough material was poured all over me until I was buried. The delicious air that once filled my body was no more, and slowly, my consciousness slipped away.
I opened my eyes. I was now standing with my four brown feet. My whole body fur was still brown like before. But there was something eerie around me. I feel pale, ghastly, and dead. Next thing I knew, I was a ghost. A dead Lillipup reincarnated as a ghost. I had a sudden goal: to take revenge on my killer. My ghastly body moved forward, leaving my actual, unusable body.
Beside a concrete wall, I indentified my killer through my budding instinct. She was a very large dog, with a very long, light brown moustache that flowed through her body, which was blue-furred. She was sleeping on the cold, concrete floor with her four puppies, which resembled me except for the creepy aura that enveloped me. They were snuggled up tightly to conserve their own heat. One thing that baffles me; if she killed me, how couldn’t she killed the others too? I dazed at then, and a sudden plan struck me. I left so that I could plan my revenge. This wouldn’t be a merciful one.
For three days, I trained to make the most terrifying Roar I could make. If I am correct, that would freak out the innocent lives of the four puppies. On the fourth day, I had made the noise I believe that would definitely scare them out. The night then, I set out to proceed to the plan.
The big dog was snuggled up with her four puppies on the concrete floor. Just as the plan was working, I woke up the four puppies with my presence. They were sleepy and terrified with what they saw. They saw me, a hideous, ghost-like mirror version of themselves. The puppies shivered in fright, but still did not wake up the bigger dog. I mustered my voice, then Roared in the most bone-chilling voice I made. “Die.”
The next day, the effects took place as I watched them. The puppies had no appetite for breast milk. They could still walk around, but they were shaking heavily. The second day, they couldn’t walk anymore. The third day, my mission was completed. The puppies died out of the stress I inflicted. The bigger dog, which was a Stoutland according to what I have heard from somewhere, had no interest with them whatsoever. With her attitude, she was the worst parent I have ever met.
The night after three days, I revisited the Stoutland. She was sleeping, all of her heat covered up with her thick fur. “It’s time to follow your babies,” I said, waking up the Pokemon in front of me.
The Stoutland barked in fright. “Who are you? What are you planning to do?”
“I took my revenge from your offspring. Now, it is time for you to follow them,” I said with anger seething through my gritted teeth.
“Why are you doing this to us?” the Stoutland cried in sorrow for her children.
“Revenge is best served newly-born,” I replied. “Now it is time for you to die.” A scary shrill followed my word.
After two days, the Stoutland died of stress, just like the fate of her young-minded children. She lived and died the same way like her offspring. She was buried by some merciful people I did not know. Coincidentally, she was buried in the sandy graveyard where her babies, including me, were buried. My goal here was now complete. I can go now to my unknown afterlife.
22nd February 2013, 05:47 PM #2
(See what? Hear what?)
Re: Newly-Born Revenge
Claiming, will try to have grade up tonight or tomorrow.
22nd February 2013, 07:48 PM #3
(See what? Hear what?)
Re: Newly-Born Revenge
All right, let's get started!
Your story starts out, fitting enough, at the very beginning of the main character's life. A newborn Lillipup, whose identity we discover in the second paragraph, is describing their current existence in its mother's womb and the birth that happens shortly after.
While this tale starts out on an interesting note, quickly catching my interest, it feels as if there is a sudden abruptness to it. This may be your intention, since the birthing of any creature can be sudden, but placing the description of the inside of Stoutland and the actual birth into a single paragraph seems jarring. Splitting the two into two separate paragraphs fixes this nicely. Still, there was nice hook in the beginning, which will leave readers wanting to know more.
This tale focuses on a newborn Lillipup, who is promptly killed by its mother soon after birth. The Pokemon is reborn as an angry spirit, who immediately plans revenge on its mother and still-living siblings. After training for days, Lillipup manages to scare the pups and lead them to a slow death. Once this task is done, it uses the same ploy to kill the mother. When the whole family lies dead and buried, the young spirit heads into the afterlife.
This plot, along with the fitting title to this story, definitely caught my interest. For a Simple rank story, it's original and definitely does not follow the traditional “walk about in the tall grass and fight a wild Pokemon” like most like to use. Another differing factor was having the puppies born like their real-life counterparts. While the Pokemon universe insists that all of the creatures are hatched from Eggs, some focus on using live births instead. Both are perfectly valid, especially since the latter is far more realistic.
Still, there were a few holes in your story that stuck out. In the beginning, Lillipup managed to give a brief description of its appearance along with the area it was in. I'm assuming that, unlike actual dogs, its eyes were open at the time. Even so, how could Lillipup know what its face looked like?
Secondly, the two humans that were mentioned early on. Lillipup states that it cannot understand what they are saying, yet manages to still express their words. If you wish to follow the mindset that the newborn Pokemon can not understand human speech yet, you can describe their tone of voice instead to keep the same fearful mood.
This last one may be mere nitpicking on my end, but still seemed strange; how did Lillipup become a ghost? I'm assuming it became a revenant, an angry spirit who seeks revenge for its death, but in the Pokemon universe there are plenty of Ghost creatures. It seems more fitting that it would become one of these Pokemon instead. Again, not an enormous issue but it still stuck out in my opinion
Your grammar in most areas looks great, especially when characters are speaking. Still, there is room for improvement in other areas. A prime example would be the first two sentences:
I was in this cramped room full of this fluid I have been swimming for a month. In a month, my whole body was developing inside this room.
Stating the time period twice in quick succession is unneeded. There were also other sentences in your story that stated the same things twice in a row. Redundancy can be common, but is important to squash out entirely.
Another tip that I'm a large fan of: speak your sentences out loud. If they sound wrong, chances are they need to be reworded. There were multiple instances in your story where this could have helped greatly, as some parts seemed off or were barely understandable. Watch out for this in later stories, as they can ruin the entire tale.
There were minor issues with past and present tenses as well:
I feel pale, ghastly, and dead.
One thing that baffles me; if she killed me, how couldn’t she killed the others too?
Both feel and baffles respectively should be in the past tense. The second example would also fare much better with a little word rearrangement:
if she killed me, how could she not kill the others too?
For future stories, I definitely recommend checking out a thesaurus; there are multiple versions that can be found online, as well as hard copy versions. A few statements could fare better with different words, and a thesaurus could help you find a fitting synonym. This would else help combat the redundancy issue I mentioned in the beginning.
This area was pretty hit-and-miss. You gave a fairly accurate description of Lillipup itself, as well as its senses both during the birth and its painful death afterwords. While a gender wasn't given, this could work as Lillipup was killed before it could even discern whether it was male or female. A very brief description of Stoutland was also given, along with the fact that they were in a concrete room. Even better, you used a sense that most forget to add- touch. Major thumbs-up there!
Still, like with grammar it is important to make sure that the description could actually happen.
I said with anger seething through my gritted teeth.
Anger is an emotion, and cannot take an actual form.
I said with seething anger, gritting my teeth.
This both conveys the emotion and shows Lillipup's physical action correctly.
I feel pale, ghastly, and dead.
Pale is a visual description, not a feeling. Feeling dead could be emotional, where one feels emotionally detached from everything, but considering the fact that Lillipup mentioned wanting to take revenge almost immediately this description does not seem to fit. Mentioning that Lillipup no longer felt its heart beating or even no longer needed to breathe would work better in this case.
This story was lacking a battle, save for a single Roar that the ghost Lillipup used on its siblings. There was a small building part in the story though, in the scene where Lillipup finally confronts its mother. This was quickly resolved though, feeling as if little had actually happened. While not all stories require a battle, at least some sort of conflict must be present to both keep a reader's attention and add interest to the tale. While there was some show of this when Lillipup got its revenge on both mother and siblings, it all felt hastily done. In the future, adding more tension could help remedy this.
Lillipup, as a Simple Rank Pokemon, requires a character limit of 5k-10k characters. I counted 5,089, so you fall right into this range.
Lillipup – Captured
With an almost nonexistent building point and multiple errors in grammar, this grade was honestly very borderline. Still, you have a very interesting story here, and an impressive grasp on description save for a few areas. Have fun with the vengeful puppy, and work on the areas I mentioned to make your future stories an even better read ^^