A New World (Ready for Grading)
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  1. #1
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    Default A New World (Ready for Grading)

    Pokémon being captured: Cottonee (for Mubz)
    Characters: 11,153 /10,000

    The sun was shining on the fields of Lacunosa town, illuminating the deep green grass, the cloudless blue sky, and the walled town that I called home. I was standing on top of a hill, enjoying the view that I regularly saw over the town. The grey walls, the structured buildings, all of it made me feel imprisoned and bored. So I came out here to while away the time.

    My parents had even forbidden to give me a Pokémon. It was ridiculous! I looked out on the fields, packed with Pokémon wild and tame. It would be easy enough to steal a Poke Ball and catch one.

    I looked into a pond beside me, back at my reflection. My short brown hair hung loose, framing my relatively well-proportionned face. I didn't think that I looked too bad for my age, I had been untouched by the achne that ravages many teenagers, and I had had a growth spurt or two, reaching just short of six foot. The only thing that I had a problem with were my clothes. When I wore them I felt juvenile, for my Mother insisted on picking them. Currently I was wearing a red T-shirt with a logo that I had never seen before, and some jeans that were getting too short. On my feet I was wearing cream socks and trainers and on my neck suncream, despite the fact that it was barely summer.

    The pond started to ripple and I saw a stirring in the group of Pokémon below. The ground shook and Pokémon ran everywhere, looking for cover or a place to hide. It was an earthquake, an event so rare that I had never experienced one. The Unova league had made them illegal due to the destruction that they caused, but sometimes a Pokémon would cause one. I saw one Pokémon still on the field, cowering in fear. By now the earthquake was ending, a mere few seconds of huge destruction. I had learnt from school that soon after earthquakes devastating mudslides would often wreak havoc among mountainsides like this. I had to save this Pokémon. The small creature was a cloud of white cotton, with two beautiful green leaves coming out of it. It was a Cottonee.

    As I entered the field that the small Pokémon was on I saw a huge brown mass dislodge itself from the mountainside. It was a mudslide. I sprinted the last ten metres to the Cottonee, picking up the fluffy Pokémon in my arms and running with it towards the trees where the rest of the Pokémon had run to. The mudslide was drawing closer now, soon it would be too late. I ran as fast as I could towards the trees, panting, exhausted.

    The mudslide came down, sweeping me off my feet with unstoppable force. My world turned upside down as I was tossed and turned by the power of the brown, slimy, raging force. I floundered to the surface, holding Cottonee high above my head to stop it from suffocating. I saw a chance as a large branch from one of the trees came sliding down towards us. I held out my hand, trying to grab onto the lifeline. As it drew closer I placed Cottonee on, using all of my strength. Having put him on the branch I felt myself falling under the mud, my head starting to disappear under the churning depths. My mouth went under, then my eyes.

    I felt something grabbing onto my head, pulling my hair. My head re-emerged and I found myself facing Cottonee, holding me up with his frail leafy hands. I grabbed onto the branch, hauling myself up onto the vital lifeline. We floated on the mudslide until it finally came to a rest, halfway down the hillside. I pulled myself out of the sticky mess, picking up the Cottonee, its beautiful white fur dappled with mud. I wanted to find a way of thanking the Pokémon for saving my life. I took some red ribbon from my pocket that I had bought for some reason in the market.

    “Here,” I said to the Pokémon. “Have this,” I tied the ribbon around Cottonee’s left “arm” and started to walk off, looking for the source of the earthquake. I wondered down back towards Lacunosa Town, its walls undisturbed by the powerful tremor, when I saw a huge flash followed by a noise in a clearing nearby. As I turned to face the noise a force wave knocked me off my feet, back into the mud. Having picked myself up, I walked towards the clearing, filled with anticipation. I crouched down as I approached the gap in the trees that coated the hillside near Lacunosa Town.

    In the clearing I saw a trainer a couple of years older than me, wearing blue and carrying a rucksack, standing next to a Pokémon. The Pokémon stood tall, almost reaching above the trees. On the floor was a Rocky disk, lined with stone spikes reaching outwards, making it look like the Sun. I stepped forward out of my hiding place and into the Trainer’s sight. Now that I had a closer look at the trainer he looked quite mature. With roud brown eyes, brown hair mostly hidden by a blue cap. He was carrying a satchel, which no doubt contained all the equipment needed to be a trainer

    “Hi, was that you that made that Earthquake?” I asked.

    “No, that was that Solrock here,” he replied, indicating towards the Pokémon lying on the grass. “That and Explosion took quite a lot out of Embroar here” he said, turning towards his companion, a huge flaming pig with a main of fire. His muscular arms looked powerful enough to take down any Pokémon

    “What happened to you then? It looks like you fell into a mud pit,” he asked.

    “That Earthquake started a mudslide. I got caught up trying to help a Cottonee,” I explained.

    “I’m Sam, by the way,” the Trainer introduced himself.

    “I’m George,” I replied.

    “Do you know where the nearest town is?” he asked. I explained my origins and led him to Lacunosa Town.

    My parents were shocked when I entered the house coated with mud in the company of a trainer. They made all sorts of fuss, throwing me in the bath, preparing the spare room for Sam, cooking a roast. We floated along the torrent of activity, just doing what we were told. Before we knew it we were at the supper table, eating the roast prepared only a few hours earlier.

    “So, Sam, what are you doing around here?” my mother asked.

    “Well, Mrs Grainger, After I defeated the Elite Four a few months ago I thought that it would be best to explore the more beautiful parts of Unova after spending so much time in cities. Also it would help my team to capture new Pokémon,” He explained.

    I detected a subtle change in my Mother’s demeanour; she didn’t approve of Pokémon training and had been delighted when she had heard a speech by one of the Seven Sages. Having a Trainer in her house was a big step for her. A small smile twitched on Dad’s face, he once had been a Pokémon trainer, until he had settled down and released his Pokémon.

    “I would love to see George’s Pokémon and maybe battle him,” Sam continued, oblivious to the change in atmosphere. Dad stepped in, aware of Mum’s increasing irritation.

    “Not many people have Pokémon here in Lacunosa Town, Sam,” he explained. "Many here fear the might of Kyurem”

    Sam enquired about Kyurem, naturally knowing nothing about the Pokémon that everyone in Lacunosa feared. I explained the legendary Pokémon to him, that it had arrived in a meteor and held Lacunosa Town in fear until the wall had been built. Now legend said that it resided in the Giant Chasm. Sam listened in interest.

    “I must go to the Giant Chasm tomorrow then, if George would show me,” he concluded, looking towards me,” my Mother gasped in shock, even Dad looked a bit worried. I had to say the right thing:

    “I don’t think that that would be wise,” I replied. It was the best thing that I could think of. Mother stood up, picking up her plate. Dad followed her lead and I also stood up, taking up both mine and Sam’s plate and taking them through to the kitchen. As Dad returned to the dining room my Mother turned to me.

    “George, you can’t take Sam over to the Giant Chasm. There might be consequences,” she said,

    “I know, I wouldn’t take him over anyway. I’ve heard the legends,” I replied. I would love to show my new friend. But she was right, I shouldn’t. We should wait until tomorrow; it would seem different then.

    The next day I was walking along the fields with Sam. Once again I had broken my promise. I was taking Sam to Giant Chasm. We came to the crest of a hill and looked down. There was a giant lake, created, legend said, by a huge meteor impact. Legend also told that in that meteor had been Kyurem. Skirting the lake was a rocky ledge, a cave entrance implanted there.

    “There’s the Giant Chasm,” I announced to Sam. “In there you’ll find Kyurem”

    “Thanks,” he replied. “Do you want to come in with me?” he asked.

    “I would, except that I have no Pokémon, it would be even more dangerous,” I replied

    “Don’t worry,” he exclaimed, “if it really worries you, take this Wingull,” he proffered to me a Poke Ball. I took the red and white capsule in my hand, feeling excitement surge through me. This was it, I became a trainer now. I looked back at Lacunosa Town, Mum wouldn’t be pleased with this, but she would have to accept it. I had to do this, it was my destiny.

    I saw a small figure scaling the slope, hopping up the hill on its small, white, fluffy body, a red ribbon tied around the leaf that made its left arm. It was Cottonee. I pointed out the slightly muddy Pokémon to Sam, and we made our way back down the hill. We met halfway down the slope. Cottonee looked up at me, its eyes bulging.

    “I think the little guy wants to thank you for saving him,” Sam deduced. “Why don’t you battle him, Pokémon quite like that,” Cottonee looked at my new friend for a moment, and nodded. That was what he wanted. I held out the Poke Ball holding Wingull.

    “Go Wingull! Show us what you’re worth!” I shouted. The capsule opened, revealing a plasma figure of a bird that soon materialised. It was a Wingull, hovering on its white, blue-striped wings. Cottonee leapt forward, ready for anything.

    “George, this isn’t such a good match up, as Wingull’s part Water-type, making those attacks less effective against Cottonee!” Sam shouted from the side-lines. I ignored him. I may never have had a Pokémon before, but I knew what I was doing.

    "Wingull, start off with a Agility!" I shouted to my Pokémon. Wingull moved through the sky swiftly, increasing its speed as it raced through the air. Cottonee stared at the white bird-like Pokémon in dismay, trying to land an attack on something that moved so quickly. At length it gave up and fired leaves everywhere in hope of hitting his target. One of the Razor Leaf attacks did hit, striking Wingull on the nose. Suddenly that one leaf became many as the Cottonee concentrated his attacks towards Wingull. Finally the Razor Leaf subsided and both Pokémon stared at each other, Wingull hovering in the air, Cottonee balancing on the ground

    “Wingull, use Aerial Ace!” I shouted. The Seagull Pokémon soared into the sky and dive bombed down, suddenly flattening out before hitting Cottonee. Sam looked up in surprise. I grinned at him.

    “I took books from the library about Pokémon when I was younger,” I explained. However, to my dismay, Cottonee puffed itself out, covering its body in more cotton to increase its defensive abilities. As Wingull struck the small Pokémon Cottonee bounced backwards from the force of the attack but seemed mostly unharmed because of his Cotton Guard.

    It formed a bright green orb in its leafy hands and fired it straight towards Wingull. The Energy ball attack slammed into the part water type, sending him flapping back.

    I had to think. Physical attacks wouldn't work now that the Cotton Guard had raised Cottonee's defense. I would have to get rid of it somehow.

    "Wingul, use Air Slash to get rid of that Cotton Guard!" I yelled

    At my command he unleashed a swarm of crescent blades at Cottonee, sending fluff flying as the Air Slash tore at his lining. He was now vulnerable to physical attacks, I had a chance to strike.

    "OK, Wingull, use Aerial Ace one more time!" I ordered the Flying-type. Once again Wingull dived down, and as he smashed into Cottonee the Grass type flew down the hill, heavily damaged by the Super-Effective attack.

    Cottonee looked damaged. Now was the time.

    “Sam, pass me a Poke Ball!” I asked the Trainer. Sam rummaged in his bag until he found a sphere, and threw the capsule to me. I pressed the button in the middle of the orb, initiating the capture sequence. The button started to flash and I threw the Poke Ball. It opened up, swallowing the Cottonee whole.

    Bleep…Bleep…Bleep…PING! The Cottonee had been caught!

    “Well done George!” Sam cried out triumphantly. I returned Wingull back to its Poke Ball and passed it back to Sam.

    “Thanks for the Wingull. Shall we carry on?” I asked. So we climbed back up the slope and down towards the Giant Chasm.
    We walked along the edge of the lake, gazing into the blue waters. Amazingly, given the environment, ice floated on top of the water and a town myth said that once when a boy had gone swimming in it he had frozen to death. That was a myth that I could easily believe. I released Cottonee out from its Poke Ball.

    “Cottonee this my first adventure and I want to do it with you,” I said as the little, slightly ruffled after its battle, ball of cotton-like fluff came out of the capsule. We approached the entrance to the cave. Somewhere in its depths was Kyurem.

    The cave was freezing. We walked along, Sam, Cottonee and I, all shivering as we descended the cave. Finally we entered a huge chamber, made entirely of ice, lit up only by the flames on Embroar’s back. We stared, still shivering, into the darkness, trying to look at what was inside. Suddenly two glowing yellow dots appeared at the very end of the cave. It was a pair of eyes. Even without having seen Kyurem before, we both knew that it was the one glaring down at us right now.

    “So, this is it,” Sam concluded. “I’ve been longing to battle you, Kyurem. Go Embroar!” He shouted. The bulky Pokémon stepped forward, crouching into a ready position.

    “OK, Embroar, I have a feeling that it’s an Ice-type so let’s use Hammer Arm!” He commanded. The Fiery Pokémon’s forearm started to glow. Then it ran forward at a startling rate, amazing for a Pokémon so large. He jumped in the air about to strike, and then fell back, repelled by an invisible barrier. Kyurem had used Protect, which blocked all attacks.

    “Don’t worry, Embroar, instead use-” He was cut off mid-speech as Kyurem gave a huge cry, splitting our ears, and the walls. It glowed white and shot a beam of light to the sky, slicing through the Giant Chasm and probably reaching up into the sky. The walls of the chamber started to rumble, white light spilling from the crack and filling it. Huge blocks of ice started to fall and the sound of the Giant Chasm tearing itself apart filled our ears. Soon we could see a hole, light, freedom. Sam pulled out two Poke Balls and threw them in the air. Two Pokémon came out, a Swellow and a Staraptor. At his command they swept down and we leapt on their backs, getting ourselves out of there as quickly as we could. Freezing water started to pour onto our backs as the lake above Giant Chasm started to drain itself into the hole created.

    We were free, flying back to Lacunosa town. I looked back and was terrified at what I saw. Ice was spreading out of the cavern at an alarming rate, almost at a running speed.

    “We’ve got to go back and get your parents!” Sam shouted back to me. He was right. Lacunosa Town was almost under us now and it was the best thing to do.

    We landed in the garden and I rushed in doors.

    “Mum, Dad, hurry quickly! An Ice cap is spreading from Giant Chasm!” I yelled in the house. My parents were eating breakfast and bolted up when they heard my voice.

    “You’ve disturbed Kyurem, haven’t you?” Mother asked. I hang my head in shame. She had been right and I wrong. At my admission my mother started arguing immediately, but Dad stopped her.

    “Samantha, if what he says is right, then we must leave immediately. I assume that your new friend has transport for us?” He asked, a hint of irony in his voice. I was dumbstruck at what he had said. It was as though he had abandoned me almost.

    “But where shall we go?” I asked, dismayed.

    “We’ll go to your cousins in Aspertia City, we’ll be fine there,” Mother concluded.

    "Shouldn't we go and help anyone?" I asked in despair. Father looked at me and held my shoulders.

    "Son, there are times in life where it is right to be selfless. But now is not one of those times. The Government is prepared for these sorts of things, there will be an evacuation plan. But let's go where we know that we'll have a home," he said. We headedout of the house into the garden, to where Sam was waiting with the two Flying-types. And we set off, towards Aspertia City, to a new life.
    Last edited by BlazeMaster; 13th June 2012 at 12:31 AM.

    Hunger Games RPG

    21 Places Left.

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  2. #2

    Default Re: A New World (Ready for Grading)

    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis

  3. #3

    Default Re: A New World (Ready for Grading)



    Nothing spectacular or eye popping, but it was good enough for the medium ranked Cottonee. You described the town and environment immediately, and that’s a good thing because it sets the context of the beginning in the story. So good job here with the opening, I had no trouble seeing everything, but for a single item. The item in question is George. This bugged me, and I’ll address it more later on, but you had no detail on George. No matter the rank of the story, the main character should always have detail, even if it’s only a little. It’s also generally a good idea to put the detail in the introduction.

    The opening paragraph was far too long. It should have been broken up into at least five different sections. The reason for this is simple, you separate the main ideas within the paragraph, and no reader wants to come across a large block of text. So, only use a large paragraph like this only if you have to or you want to because it wouldn’t look right breaking it up.

    Overall, you had a few problems here that you need to address, but I can’t complain too much about the Introduction, as it satisfied all the things I look for except for the George issue.


    After the dinner conversation about George taking Sam to the Giant Chasm you suddenly switch to the next day. There was no real transition between the two paragraphs. You did mention ‘tomorrow’, but you only had a break between the two like a normal paragraph. You either need to add a section break like a header saying: ‘the next day’. Or, you need to add information that showed how they got there.

    I don’t usually talk about battles in a story because they aren’t required. However, sometimes I do if something catches my attention. Your battle with Cottonee concerns me. The reason is simple, it was two attacks long. That’s truly pitiful if you are trying to capture a Pokemon. When you fight wild Pokemon you need to imagine that you are both sides, as such the battle should be fair and last more than two attacks. While it really depends on the writing and flow of the battle, I would say that a battle this two Pokemon should have been around five moves each. Obviously you don’t need to do five attacks, but what you have now just isn’t enough.

    Now that I’ve pointed out a few errors, I want to talk about the meat of the plot. Overall, it was weak because of the ending. Up until the ending, you were doing really well, but the ending was just really bad for a couple of reasons.

    The mud slide was interesting and introduced the character to Cottonee. Meeting Sam was also important because George borrowed the Wingull to capture the Cottonee he saved. However, Sam wanting to battle the legendary was fine, but you have to keep in mind that battling a legendary is a really hard task, and should serve some purpose in your story besides for kicks. Now, the reason for battling the Kyurem is obvious, but the aftereffect is hazy at best.

    How exactly did the Kyurem cause the cavern to collapse on itself? Just roaring is not going to cause the cave-in, which means it had to use some other means. That would have to be explained, otherwise it doesn’t make much sense. Another problem that I noticed was that the water inside the crater filled the cave then rushed out to swallow up the entire town? From what I understand the cave is level with the lake, meaning that not a lot of water would have filled the cavern, much less swallow up the town.

    Finally, the biggest thing that irked me was the the four left the town and just headed away. They just left the other people in the town to die? If there was a chance of this happening it would stand to reason that there was an evacuation plan in place incase of a natural disaster like this. So, you just end it saying they were off towards a new life. To be honest, the whole ending was woefully inadequate.

    To top it off, everything felt rushed at the end. You should never rush an ending. While the ending was around a quarter of the story length, there just wasn’t enough there. It seemed to me like you put the bare minimum to get the job done. This is never a good thing, just be careful that when you write you don’t repeat this kind of error.


    You have a fair of grammar issues that need to be addressed when you continue your writing career. I tried to point out the trends in your writing that I came across. So read through everything I said and try to apply them in the future.

    The [S]un was shining on the fields of Lacunosa town, [shining] over the deep green grass, the cloudless blue sky, and the walled town that I called home.
    Okay, this isn’t too bad a way to start a story, but there were a few things that distracted me as I was reading it. First off, the sun doesn’t need to be capitalized. Second, you used the word ‘shining’ twice in the same sentence. As a writer you should try and stay away from redundant word choice, it’s boring to read and can distract the reader because they keep seeing the same word over and over again.

    “Here,” I said to the Pokémon. “Have this[,]” I tied the ribbon around Cottonee’s left “arm” and started to walk off, looking for the source of the earthquake.
    In this sentence you have a comma after ‘this’. In dialogue a comma is used to indicate dialogue tags to carry on a sentence. In this case you don’t need a comma, it should actually be a period.

    “No, that was that Solrock here,” he replied, [indicating towards the Pokémon] lying on the grass. “That and Explosion took quite a lot out of Embroar here,” he said, [indicating towards the huge Pokémon].
    Okay, you did the same thing here that I pointed out above. This time instead of words we have very similar sentences here. There is only a single word difference between the two. Once again, this is not a good thing. Be sure to change your words up. As a strategy, trying placing a word like ‘indicate’ in the a thesaurus and see what pops up.

    “Do you know where the nearest town is?” [H]e asked.
    Here we have a dialogue tag as you said ‘he asked’. Because this is a dialogue tag you don’t capitalize ‘he’. This happened in a few cases, so for future stories you need to watch for this sort of stuff and correct it as you come across it.

    As I was reading, I spotted a few typos that should have been seen as your proofread the story. Because I’m not spotting too many errors, it does look like you’ve gone over your story at least once. What I would suggest is that after you have proofread your story the first time, you should wait a day or so and go back and look over it again. By waiting a day you should come across any errors that you missed before.

    "Many here fear the might of Kyurem[,]” Sam enquired about Kyurem, naturally knowing nothing about the Pokémon that everyone in Lacunosa feared.
    More dialogue stuff here. Here you basically have two separate ideas. You have the dad talking, then you transition to Sam asking about the Kyurem. As such, the comma should actually be a period, and this paragraph should be split into two instead of one.

    “Cottonee[] this my first adventure and I want to do it with you,” I said as the little, slightly ruffled after its battle, ball of cotton-like fluff came out of the capsule. We approached the entrance to the cave. Somewhere in its depths was Kyurem.
    Because you--as a character--is talking to the Cottonee, you need to have a comma after Cottonee.


    Overall, I was satisfied with what you had. You hit on most of the main points I look for in a story: Pokemon description, Pokemon attacks, and the environment. What was missing was sensory detail and character detail.

    You did have some sensory detail, when you talked about the mudslide and the exploring of the ice cave, but there was a few other spots in the story where some could have been added. But this is something that should mostly be done in hard and above captures, so I’m not going to delve into, other than to say keep up with what you’re doing here.

    The small creature was a cloud of white cotton, with two beautiful green leaves coming out of it. It was a Cottonee.
    Decent enough Pokemon description, nothing too fancy or over the top. You’re going for a medium rank and this is fine for it. You also did the same for the other Pokemon that appeared throughout the story, so I have no complaints here.

    So, the main problem here was that you no detail on any of the human characters. This is a critical error for a story of any rank, especially considering that Sam and George are the main characters in the story. The story is invested in the two, meaning that we need to have detail on what they look like, their dress, and their personality. Even for a medium rank this stuff should be in the story.

    Because this is a medium rank you don’t need to focus too much on the personality, but you need at least a sentence or two on their appearance. This means physical characteristics and their clothing choices.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    Standing next to the Emboar was a young man I took to be about eighteen years of age. He was wearing faded blue jeans and a short sleeve blue shirt with a graphic of a Blastoise on the front. His golden-brown hair was cropped short and covered with a ball cap. A dark pair of sunglasses covered his eyes.
    Okay, here’s a simple paragraph of Sam. Now, you don’t need as long a paragraph, but because he is involved in the story you’ll want the basic information I included. Now, I didn’t put very many physical characteristics because I didn’t want too long a paragraph, but you can always put those in the same paragraph or include them in a separate one rather easily.

    This same thing should be done for George as he is also an important part of the story. As for the parents, they should each have around a sentence or two, and anything after that is up to you.

    The take away message here is that all characters need detail dependent on how involved they are in the story.

    Cottonee says moo, I think.


    Some spots you were good, but on others you fell flat. As such, I’m going to say Cottonee Not Captured. The reason is simple, I felt the sum of your errors weighed too much against the things you did well. You are right on the edge of what you need, so you only need to make a few changes to get the Pokemon. I would like to see you add detail on the human characters and extend the battle with Cottonee by a few moves each for the Pokemon. Do these things, then message me for a regrade and you can have the Grass Pokemon.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis

  4. #4

    Default Re: A New World (Ready for Grading)


    You still need the work I pointed out, but you did fix much of the errors I pointed out. You still need some detail on the parents and a little more on Same couldn't hurt, but did what I asked on George so I'm fine there. Your battle was extended, but it seems a little more skewed towards the Wingull now, so watch out for that in the future. Battles should be even unless they can't be.

    Cottonee Captured. You still have some work to do, but I felt you did what I asked. Enjoy the Pokemon.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis


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