A New World

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  1. #1
    Somewhat Psychic Siless's Avatar
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    Default A New World

    Desired Pokémon: Sewaddle
    Character Count: 3830 (3k-5k), not including section breaks/heading



    ________


    A New World



    It raised its leafy hood, finding itself in an unfamiliar place. The ground beneath its feet felt vaguely reminded it of the tree it used to call home. All it knew now was that it would no longer live there. Nothing was what it had known before in its life. The light was bright, but unnatural; it was unlike the sun that gave it bits of strength. It wasn't like anything it saw before in its life. It was…

    The bright light flickered, almost as if the wind was moving the leaves that normally let light shine through to the bug. The leafy hood fell back down, covering the bug's eyes to protect from the flashes. The bug's mind raced, running through the few things it could remember. It saw what seemed to be a berry of red and white, flying through the air towards it. Whatever it was, it hit the bug on the head; the hard shell opened to reveal a bright light.

    The bug woke up from its deep thoughts and lifted its hood. A blue… hole? It did not know what sat in front of it, but this blue thing was full of leaves and berries. It seemed weird that food would be presented to it; even its mother hadn't given it its own food once it was able to traverse the tree. Something must have placed the food there, but the bug had no clue what. It looked around. It did not know where it was beyond the tree-like platform, and it could again find nothing familiar to it. A creature, however, had entered the area; a large being, similar to color of the Pecha berries it consumed, and resembling its mother in form, was watching it from the edge of its platform.

    This creature did not have the same leaf blades that the bug's mother had. It barely had any of its mother's features; the only similarity was the form. It seemed to worry about the bug though, motioning towards the food with its deformed blade. The bug edged towards the food filled hole slowly, with the large being watching over it. It wasn't perfectly comfortable with the strange creature, but as it started to nibble on a leaf, it was comforted by a smile from the creature that reminded the bug of its own mother. The bug felt that this being would take care of it in its new home.


    ___________


    "How are you doing Sewaddle?"

    "Se-sewa!"

    It was a week since Sewaddle had been introduced to its new home, and it was getting used to its new surroundings. Its blue bowl was filled with leaves and berries whenever it needed them, and the table gave it ample room to scurry about to its leisure. It missed its old home in the trees, but it knew it would be able to visit there someday with its new Trainer.

    It had learned a lot with its new friend. It was introduced to the humans and the objects that surrounded it in its now-daily life, and it learned of its Trainer's wish to go on an adventure with Pokémon and learn more of the world itself. It found out about the orb that had the bright light; a Pokéball that protected it from the outside world when it was dangerous like the casing of leaves it used to sleep in.

    There wasn't much variation in Sewaddle's life while it was at the house; its Trainer wanted to give it a chance to get comfortable with the new world before their adventure. The day before the day they were supposed to leave, however, the Trainer was nowhere to be found. The food bowl was filled more than it was usually, but Sewaddle hadn't known its trainer to just run off. It nibbled the leaves slowly, wanting the food to last as long as possible, and, when the light outside was gone, it curled up next to the half-full food bowl, hoping the Trainer would come back.

    Sewaddle woke up the next day, and the food bowl was filled again. It looked around, and at the edge of the table stood the Trainer once more; next to him stood a familiar, leafy being.

    "I'm sorry about not being around yesterday, but I figured you'd like someone to come along with us.

    "Leavanny!"

  2. #2
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: A New World

    claimed cause this story made me "aww"

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  3. #3
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: A New World

    Intro
    My first impressions of the story on a whole.

    A short but sweet story. It was a nice Easiest story that has the qualities of a difficulty of much harder levels.


    Plot/Reality
    What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.

    You chose an interesting point of view. While it is still 3rd person, you follow the viewpoint of a recently captured Sewaddle. While short, you are able to convey an array of emotions: homesickness, sadness, inquiry, etc. It can be very hard to do this in a limited amount of characters, but you pulled it off, without making it seem boring.


    Details:
    What kind of picture did you paint with your words.

    You describe most of your story nicely through the eyes of something non-human. However, you tend to use repetitive phrasing rather closely together:

    Nothing was what it had known before in its life. The light was bright, but unnatural; it was unlike the sun that gave it bits of strength. It wasn't like anything it saw before in its life.
    Also, you start and end the second paragraph with “bright light” describing to separate events (light switch and Pokéball). A little variant would be easy for you to change here.


    Grammar:
    What your high school english teacher would point out.

    Boo, your grammar is excellent, congrats. There were only two concerns I had.

    This sentence is ambiguous:

    The ground beneath its feet felt vaguely reminded it of the tree it used to call home
    At first, it reads as if “beneath its feet” is describing “ground” with the verb being “felt,” which is confusing as the rest of the sentence doesn’t make sense grammatically. Then I read it as “that its feet felt” was describing the “ground beneath,” which is what I thought that you were trying to convey. This ambiguity can be fixed by adding “that” before “its feet.” Since “that its feet” wouldn’t make much sense the reader would include “felt” leaving “reminded” to be the clear verb.

    Second:

    The food bowl was filled more than it was usually, but Sewaddle hadn't known its trainer to just run off.
    Your choice of conjunction seems off. Usually when using “but,” you are trying to convey a feeling that counters or is different than what precedes it, such as “He fell down some stairs, but he’s alright.” You would normally think that “he” was injured. However, this quote doesn’t instill that sense to me. This seems more like a cause-effect situation. A more appropriate conjunction would be “so.”


    Length:
    The length of time it felt like to read this story.

    Very short and the time frame was very short in-story, but you conveyed a lot of nice techniques.

    Personal Feelings:
    Really? I have these?

    Your story was nice, and the ending was subtle but had enough closure despite how short your story was. As I said in my claim, it made me “aww.”


    Conclusion:
    One Liner Wrap Ups

    Plot/Reality: Yeah, this can happen.
    Details: Repetitive lines are like repetitive lines.
    Grammar: I nitpicked; it’s for your own good.
    Length: Very Short Story.


    Verdict:

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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