A New Generation (needs grader, open for comments to improve)

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Thread: A New Generation (needs grader, open for comments to improve)

  1. #1
    Darkness Within
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    Default A New Generation (needs grader, open for comments to improve)

    My first story. Here goes. Comments welcomed and appreciated. Also, it is the start of a series of stories, so this needs to be graded ASAP.

    Target Pokemon: Mankey
    Difficulty: Simple
    Expected Length: 5k – 10k characters
    Length: 8.3k characters
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    “Son...it's about time you did something with yourself,” my father told me, looking me straight in the eyes as I ate my morning breakfast of waffles and a banana. “You've been out of school for a year now and you haven't done anything worthwhile.”

    I continued to eat without saying a word. He was right, of course. I needed to do something with my life and quickly.

    “Tim, come quick!” my mother yelled from the backyard. The tone of voice gave it away; a new egg was hatching.

    Dad took off running from the kitchen table. I finished my breakfast, rinsed off my plate, and took my sweet time going to the backyard. Even for me, someone who had no interest in the breeding aspect of anything, it was a shocking sight.

    A small Pokemon, newly hatched, was standing on its stubby little legs...if one could call the stubs legs. The body was pink and its head was about the width of the body. The top of its head was best described as blue whipped cream with a white cherry on top. It had a round red nose and what looked to be a round red button on its body. In other words, it looked like a mini-clown or a mini-Mr. Mime.

    “Honey...do you know what this is?” Dad asked Mom. She just shrugged and shook her head.

    “It's not a Pokemon we've ever seen,” Mom said, studying the baby intently. I just sort of looked at it. Other than the baby aspect of it, it looked like any other Pokemon.

    I had been thinking about starting out as a Pokemon Trainer. My parents were both Breeders, but I couldn't stand the quiet life.

    Now I saw my chance to start.
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    “You want to do what?” Dad asked again.

    “I want to be a Pokemon Trainer,” I explained for the third time in five minutes. “And I need a Pokemon to start, as you well know.”

    “We don't have any Pokemon for you to start on this damn fool idea,” Dad spat. Mom, however, looked ready to slap him senseless.

    “Timothy, don't you think you're being too stubborn?” she asked him, a hint of anger in her voice. “He's been wanting to be a Trainer since he was ten. He's almost 17, we should let him do this.”

    Dad shook his head. “It's still a damn fool idea, but if you're so intent on letting him, Beth, you find a Pokemon we don't need!” he screamed and left the living room. I just sat in shock. Finally, I was leaving home to pursue my dream!

    “Matthew...I don't know what Pokemon we could possibly give to you,” Mom lamented. “We don't have but a few Poke Balls to give you to capture your own, but without a Pokemon to begin with...”

    I placed my hand on my chin and thought through the Pokemon my parents had. They bred just about every type of Pokemon; Chansey, Clefairy, Jigglypuff, Mr. Mime...

    That's when it hit me. “Mom, why not the new Mr. Mime Junior look-a-like?”

    Her look was a mix of fear and disbelief. “It's newly hatched, Matthew! It'll die out there!”

    I smirked at her. “Mother...I have years of breeding experience thanks to you and Dad. The blood of Breeders runs in my veins. I think we will be fine.”
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    I took a good hard look into the woods surrounding my home. The dirt path that led to the next town hadn't changed ever since I was born. I probably wouldn't see my home for quite some time.

    Mom stood beside me and clasped a hand onto my shoulder. “Matt...” she said, handing me two red and white balls, “these are the last two Poke Balls I own. When I was your age, I was a hell of a Trainer.”

    I looked into her eyes, presumably for the last time for a long while. “Why did you quit?”

    She sighed and smiled a bit. “Your father. Anyway, here.” She placed a bigger Poke Ball into my hand – the ball holding my one and only Pokemon. “Keep that Mr. Mime Jr. safe, okay?”

    “Mom, it's just Mime Jr.,” I answered, shrinking the ball and sticking it on my belt. “Or just Junior.” She handed me my backpack. I slung it onto my shoulders, and, after saying our goodbyes, I started down the path to the next town.
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    As a child, I used to take shortcuts through the woods when I would go to town. My parents – either Dad or Mom – would come with me and show me the Pokemon that lived in the woods. It also helped that they had repellents with them to keep the Pokemon from attacking.

    Now that I was on my own, I figured the first step was to learn how to capture Pokemon. I had watched enough shows about Trainers to have figured out how by now.

    I grasped the Poke Ball holding Junior from my belt. “Come on out, Junior!” I shouted and threw the ball. The mini-clown came into view from a red beam from the ball. The ball came back to my hand; I shrunk it and clipped it to my belt again.

    The next town was about a day away from home, but it would be well into the night before I made it. Of this I was sure. Several species of Pokemon, some stronger than others, existed in the woods and I intended to capture at least one before I made it to the town.

    Junior stayed close to me, which was perfectly fine. He seemed to be waiting as I was for a Pokemon to appear and battle us...which was going very, very slowly. A lot of Weedles, Caterpies, and a few of the cocoon Pokemon were readily available to battle and capture, but I was not interested in any of them.

    As Junior and I continued to search the woods for Pokemon I wanted, a memory of Dad came to mind.

    “Son, come look!” Dad said. I ran over, excited at seeing what he had found. He pointed and I saw a strange-looking Pokemon.

    “What is it, Dad?” I asked, eager to hear his answer. The Pokemon looked like a monkey, but it had a round nose and big, angry eyes. It scared me a little bit just from looking at it.

    “That is a Mankey,” Dad explained, pulling me close with his arm. “They are very angry Pokemon. I wouldn't want to make one mad, would you?”

    I shook my head rapidly. “No, Dad. They're scary.”

    Dad chuckled. “Don't worry, Son. I'm here. He won't get you.” When I looked up at his face, he smiled. “Okay?”

    “Okay,” I agreed. I trusted Dad. He wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt me. The Mankey was looking for food, so it didn't pay any attention to us. A much bigger Pokemon that looked like Mankey came up from the darkness of the woods.

    “Oh, look! There's a Primeape,” Dad explained. “It's a bigger, meaner Mankey. Mankey turns into Primeape when it gets big and strong.”

    I nodded, even more scared of Primeape than Mankey. They were both looking for food. After a few minutes, they went back into the dark part of the woods.


    I smiled as I brought my thoughts back to the present. We had walked into the dark part of the woods. Junior was pointing over to my left.

    Something moved in the bushes. All of a sudden, a Mankey jumped out of its cover and gave a battle cry. It was obvious it wanted to battle!

    Junior calmly walked out to face the Mankey. Even newly hatched, he seemed to know what I was thinking. I had never faced a Pokemon battle until now, so it was to be a learning experience as well.

    I figured I'd try a few moves a Pokemon would know from the start. “Junior, Tackle!” I shouted. He looked back as if confused.

    “Okay, that's not it,” I said to myself as Mankey ran to attack. Using its sharp claws it Scratched Junior, causing him to yelp in pain. Yet Junior remained ready to battle Mankey...as soon as I figured out a move it knew.
    I began yelling moves I knew from the shows. “Leer! Scratch! Quick Attack!” Nothing seemed to work; it didn't know those moves. Mankey continued its assault on Junior, but he remained strong against the Pokemon.

    I then shouted, “Barrier!” This caused Junior to form a barely-visible wall of light in front of it; it looked like a very thin sheet of glass. Mankey could not attack through it for a brief moment.

    “Whew,” I breathed. “At least he knows a move...” Mankey seemed to be even angrier, if that were even possible. Junior stood his ground.

    I thought quickly through other moves before deciding on a low risk move – a move most Pokemon would know. “Junior, try Confusion!”

    He knew the move as well. A purple and violet wave came out of Junior's forehead and connected with Mankey's forehead. Mankey seemed to be hurt by it and also began stumbling around as if confused by something.

    I had to have hurt as Mankey, though not quite gone yet, was not attempting to battle Junior. I pulled out my one of two empty Poke Balls and threw it at the Mankey, crossing my fingers out of habit.
    Last edited by force_of_corruption; 25th April 2010 at 03:55 AM.
    'I feel the Warp overtaking me...it is a good pain!'
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  2. #2
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    Default Re: A New Generation (needs grader, open for comments to improve)

    Well, considering it's a 'simple' story, it's pretty good. All I can think of for you to improve on is the goodbye; you left us with a mad dad, a lonesome, sympathetic mum and a 'next chapter' bar. You kind of skipped that part; also, prepare to make a more deep storyline for any higher levels. However, everything else is perfect from my point of view. Keep in mind that I'm not a grader, though, so this is subject to change.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: A New Generation (needs grader, open for comments to improve)

    Claimed for Grading. :)

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    Default Re: A New Generation (needs grader, open for comments to improve)

    Introduction:
    “Son...it's about time you did something with yourself,” my father told me, looking me straight in the eyes as I ate my morning breakfast of waffles and a banana. “You've been out of school for a year now and you haven't done anything worthwhile.”
    I don't have any complaints about your introduction. It drew me into the story quite nicely, and it hinted at what was to be expected for the rest of the story. That's a strong hook in my opinion.

    The only thing that I felt was missing from this scene was the father's suggestion of what his son should do, because that's typically part of the conversation when this sort of thing comes up with this sort of father. Generally, the suggestion is what the father wants the son to do, and it's usually met with some form of resistance. I suppose that the mother's exclamation from the backyard kind of interrupted the scene, though, so it could have been on the way if she hadn't.

    But that's kind of nitpicking, so I'm going to move on now.

    Plot:
    Matt can't deal with the quiet life of a Breeder that his parents live; instead, he wishes to be a Pokemon trainer. When he brings the subject up to his parents, his father resists the notion, but his mother encourages it, and gives him the newly-hatched Mr. Mime as a partner for his journey. Matt then sets out into the woods around his home, heading for the nearest city. Along the way, he encounters a wild Mankey, and he attempts to capture it.

    This plot is pretty simple, but then, you are going for a Simple Pokemon. It's also realistic (if you call the anime or the games "realistic"), so that's a plus in my book. The addition of some back story was also a nice touch, since a lot of first stories simply start the trainer off with their journey without showing how he or she got to that point.

    As was stated above, you'll need something more complex in the future when you go for something more difficult. Since this is a part of a continuing series, there has to be some central problem that helps to connect each of the episodes. If that central problem is Matt finding his wings as a Pokemon trainer, you'll probably need to develop some sort of evil empire or something working against him. Just remember that you can do anything with these stories, so long as it has something to do with the Pokemon you want to catch, and you'll do fine.

    Dialogue:
    I felt that your dialogue was very well done. One of the primary uses of dialogue is to convey the personalities of the characters to the readers. From the exchanges in your story, I could really see Matt's confident (though somewhat naive) personality, as well as his mother's caring and understanding one, and his father's stern, but caring in a different sort of way attitude. While all of these personalities are stereotypical, that's not to say they don't work well, and you made them work quite effectively for what you wanted.

    Again, as with the plot, expanding on the personalities of the characters, especially Matt, is vital to more complex captures in the future. Simply being confident isn't going to cut it for Matt, especially in the wide world of the Pokemon trainer, so try to incorporate other quirks and ideals into his dialogue as you continue.

    It might also be a good idea to expand upon Junior's role. While I understand that your were treating Mime Jr. like...well, a mime (who are normally mute), it makes him feel like a bit character that won't have much significance. Considering the fact that he's going to be Matt's main Pokemon, that sort of shallow personality won't do for more complex captures.

    Grammar:
    Normally, I can find several suggestions to make in this section; however, I really didn't see any grammatical problems in your story. There was the one line where you didn't double-space your thoughts apart towards the end of the story:

    “Okay, that's not it,” I said to myself as Mankey ran to attack. Using its sharp claws it Scratched Junior, causing him to yelp in pain. Yet Junior remained ready to battle Mankey...as soon as I figured out a move it knew.
    I began yelling moves I knew from the shows. “Leer! Scratch! Quick Attack!” Nothing seemed to work; it didn't know those moves. Mankey continued its assault on Junior, but he remained strong against the Pokemon.
    But that's definitely nitpicking, so I'll stop talking about this section, and move on.

    Detail and Description:
    For the most part, your details were good. The back story and roles you gave to Matt's parents added some depth to the story, and like I said above, that's always a plus. You described the Pokemon in much detail, as well, which is something that not many writers bother to do, so kudos for that.

    There were a few things that I felt could have been described better, though. For one, I really didn't get an idea of what Matt or his parents looked like; this made it a little more difficult to imagine them in the situations you put them in. For another, you didn't describe the forest very well; while I know what a forest looks like in general, you didn't really make it clear whether it was a dense forest with a meandering, hardly noticeable path, or simply a dirt road with a few trees scattered around. Describing your surroundings is also important for your Grade, so try to do that in the future, as well.

    Lastly, I felt that the juxtaposition of the memory was a little off. It probably would have been better placed after Matt found the Mankey, since you'd still get across that he wanted to catch it, and it wouldn't seem like he's psychic (which he doesn't come across as to me). That's a bit of nitpicking again, though, so let's keep going.

    Battle:
    I felt that the battle was relatively short. While it was described well enough to let me visualize it, and Psychic-type moves are indeed super-effective against Fighting-types, it still felt like there could have been more to it. In the future, I'd definitely recommend expanding upon the battles, in addition to the above suggestions, because a long, detailed battle always earns high marks.

    Length:
    Mankey is in the Simple category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 5,000 to 10,000 characters. Your story is 8,492 characters, so it makes the cut.

    Outcome:
    Drum roll, please...

    ...

    The Poke Ball spun wildly as it careened towards its target. It hit the Mankey squarely in the face before bouncing off and opening in mid-air. From there, the Mankey dematerialized into a red light, which was enveloped into the Ball. A red light clicked on as the Ball hit the ground and began wobbling.

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...Click!

    Gotcha! Mankey was caught!

    Be sure to keep my suggestions in mind in your future writing. You seem to have some potential as a writer, so I'm sure you'll have no trouble.

    Enjoy your catch!

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