New Game

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Thread: New Game

  1. #1
    Dauntless Fried Chicken Voltaire Magneton's Avatar
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    Default New Game

    I was in a truck with our own belongings. Even though it is dark from here, but I could see our flat-screen television in my left and our white refrigerator in my right. I sat in our simple, white sofa for three people. I picked up a strip of paper on the floor near me. It read: "This award was given to Voltaire Tobias F. Megaton for being 2nd place in the National Spelling Combee last March 21, 2008 at the Multi-Purpose Contest Hall in Hearthome City, Sinnoh." It was my award for an academic contest last month before we moved out from Floaroma Town so that my dad won't have any issues regarding his work and us. But first, we departed at Pallet Town via boat. Then, my parents hired a moving truck to get our stuff. Then here I am, waiting for Viridian City.

    After 10 minutes, we arrived at our destination. My parents asked the moving staff to help with the moving. I went outside to meet the green-with-flora city in which I would restart my life. I went to my dad's Pokemon Gym. If I have not mentioned it, my dad is the Ground-type Gym Leader of this place. Anyway, the Gym is closed, so I decided to go home.

    As I reached home, work was already finished and dinner was already served. For dinner, curry rice and a pitcher of water was served at our simple, wooden table for six. My parents and I were able to eat heartily for 20 minutes. I left the table to go to my room to watch television while letting my body digest all the food I ate. Around 8:30 p.m., I decided to skip the whole night.

    I woke up around 9:00 a.m. I did all my morning rituals. In front of a mirror, I noticed myself. I have short, black hair. My eyes were also black. I am tall for my age, an astounding 5'10" for a 14- year old teenager like me. I took an apple downstairs for breakfast and went to my dad at the Gym.


    The Viridian Gym is enormous and wide. As the Gym is Ground-type themed, the outside walls were made to look like a desert. I entered inside to look for my dad. I saw him in the battle court, recently defeating a challenger. The court was messy, with a whole lot of sand and debris all over it. "Hi dad," I greeted him.

    "Hello, my son. How are you?" he said while wiping off sweat from his short, black hair like mine and his tough-looking face.

    "Oh well. Adapting to this new life."

    "I would like to tell you something. How about you go to this nearby route to look for a new Pokemon? I think that would lessen your sadness. I am lending you my Kangaskhan for that."

    "Oh sure! I'd like a new Pokemon."

    I went east of the city. The terrain was mountainous and very dense with trees. I roamed around for a while, watching the beautiful nature around me. As I am reaching for the bulky marsupial Pokemon inside my pocket when suddenly...

    A blur! A very fast, brown figure suddenly snatched the Poke Ball from my hand relaxed hand. I chased the thief with all I could muster, but it was definitely faster. The figure ran through as I chased it while avoiding trees and other obstacles. Suddenly, it curved left while I can't halt from running to a cliff! I fell with the cursed aid of gravity into a dangerous dense of trees on the ground...

    I managed to cling to a branch on the cliff side. I tried to do some life-and-death cliff-climbing for the first time. I got inside of a cliff cave and I decided to take a break for a while. I sat near the wall of the cave, away from the exit. I reached for my cellular phone, but it was not there. I forgot to bring it because I did not see it that day. I took my apple for a snack. To my displeasure, the apple was bland and unappetizing. After that little snack, I threw it outside the cave. According to my aquamarine wristwatch, it is half past noon. By then, I am hungry. An hour passed by and it got worse. At 4:00 p.m., my hunger was painful. I felt very dizzy by now. I decided to sleep for now. It might help in conserving energy.

    *tap* *tap*

    Something was tapping me to wake me up. As I opened my eyes, I saw a Pokemon, holding some apples and a Poke Ball which I can't make a mistake that it was Kangaskhan's. This Pokemon, which is a Mankey, was the thief who took my Poke Ball from me this morning. Even though far from his actions, he looks innocent with its simple, innocent eyes. Its body resembles a light brown fur ball that the color extends up to it arms and legs. Its hands and feet, however, were colored brown I find its pig-like nose cute, which complements well. It guessed that I am hungry, so it gave me one of its apples along with the Poke Ball. The apple was scrumptious, fresh and watery. But the hunger went back as I finished the food I ate. The Mankey looked at me like it was reading my thoughts, and it made a gesture that makes me go aside from the wall. I went away from the wall as the Mankey went nearer to the wall and...

    BAM! The Mankey hit the wall with its Karate Chop attack with the help of its own hands. After around five repetitions, the wall looked fragile and the Mankey started to dig. My speculation was that it wanted to help me escape from here, and it was trying to make a tunnel from here. I watched the Mankey eagerly, while the Mankey did its voluntary labor. At midnight we went drowsy and started to sleep. I took the Mankey so it could sleep beside me.

    It went for three days. The Mankey got food for us and continued its job after. On the fourth day, the wall caved in, revealing a path to Viridian City. As I reached home, my parents and a crew of a search party crowded over me. My parents hugged and cried for my return. I also broke into tears with this scene. After an hour, just as the sun touched the horizon, my parents went inside the house after my story of my "adventure". I went nearer to the Mankey, who stayed until now for no reason that I knew. "Thank you, Mankey. It seems awkward, but you go home now."

    "Kee! Kee!" the Mankey jumped for glee while it was going home.
    I watched the Mankey as it went back home to the forest, which started a sentimental link between us. Suddenly, my stomach growled ver loudly, probably the loudest in my life. “Mom! Is dinner ready?” I asked my mom as I entered our home sweet home.

    Pokemon: Mankey
    Target: 5-10 k
    Characters: 6,124
    Last edited by Voltaire Magneton; 25th January 2013 at 09:49 PM. Reason: ready for grading!

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  2. #2
    Registered User Smiles's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Game

    Thank you for being patient! (= Claiming!
    URPG

  3. #3
    Registered User Smiles's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Game

    Plot:

    In the introduction, we immediately get a little depth for our main character. The fact that he won the Spelling Contest brings us closer to him; it's one of the pains of leaving a place you've lived in for so long, something that reminds you that you're leaving everything behind, and I immediately sympathized with him. Awesome job putting this detail in! As we move further through the plot, I enjoyed the pace of everything. The main character actually being saved by the Mankey was emotional; the tension was there, the climax was there, and it's clear that you have a strong sense of how fast the plot should be moving. The main character has found a friend in a foreign land, and by not capturing Mankey I am left curious by how their relationship will grow. Awesome job on this section!

    For future stories, I would only recommend that you emphasize the first-perspective if you're going to write from it. First perspective is magical because we can see into the character from the character; tell us how the main character feels about all of these changes, what exactly he sees when he ventures to a new land. We understand the sentimental feeling he expresses at the end of the story; that was a good detail that attributes to first person! This is just a little piece of advice for the future; whether you change perspectives or emphasize the current perspective, know that your plot was thoroughly enjoyable!

    Description:

    As I addressed earlier, you have a strong sense of how fast-paced a story of this rank should be. In parallelism to that, you have a strong sense of how much detail you need to have to keep the story fast, so great job here! I especially enjoyed the description of all the food. XD For future stories of a higher rank (I absolutely hope you write more!) the detail needs to get a little thicker. A lot of the time, we had stated details, which was perfect for a story of this rank (I have black eyes, I have black hair)! For higher stories, we will need details of "showing, not telling" which immerses the reader in the story. Maybe the shine of his eyes or the glisten of his hair or something. Anyway, your detail for right now was perfect!

    Grammar:

    There was nothing major here. There were little problems that could have been solved by a quick-proofread, so they are no big deal. I will go through a few things here just because they might arise in future stories:

    "Hi dad," I greeted him.

    "Hello, my son. How are you?" he said while wiping off sweat from his short, black hair like mine and his tough-looking face.
    Dad needs to be capitalized because the main character is using "Dad" as a name. You used "my son" correctly because it's not being used as a proper noun and thus does not need to be capitalized.

    *tap* *tap*
    Onomatopeia in a story can be tricky. You can definitely have it for emphasize, and a stand-alone onomatopoeia is actually really effective. I would only advise against using asterisks here. I would advise using italics with an exclamation point at the end to show the sound.

    I had thought a.m./p.m. needed to be capitalized, but they apparently do not need to be, so good job there! XD Just remember to proof-read to catch little errors.

    Length:

    Although you were a little closer to the minimum than the maximum, I thought that the length was perfect! The telling of the tale was relevant to the story's length. The story could have been dragged out slightly more with more detail of how the character feels like how I stated earlier, but stand alone it was fine. Great job!

    Outcome:

    Mankey Captured! Remember to abuse your perspective for future stories, know how much detail you need, and proofreading! Again, awesome job! I hope to see you around this section more!
    URPG

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