New Country, New Beginning, New Pokemon

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Thread: New Country, New Beginning, New Pokemon

  1. #1
    Crazed Russian Anna Egorov's Avatar
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    Default New Country, New Beginning, New Pokemon

    OOC: Final.

    "А снится нам трава, трава у дома..." Anna, a young woman of 18, was singing a song to herself as she walked down an isolated dirt path. There wasn't much too her; only 5'5" with long brown hair and bright blue eyes. "Зелёная, зелёная трава." A native to the land of Russia, she relocated to become an esteemed Pokemon trainer -- and today marked the beginning of her journey.

    She had just returned from the Pokemon lab, after receiving her first Pokemon. Anna walked to a nice spot underneath a tree and leaned against it. She reached into her pocket, wrapped her fingers around a small, round object, and pulled it out.

    "All right, Nyx. It's now or never..." Anna looked down at the small red and white sphere in her palm. Being raised with Pokemon outside of their Pokeballs, this strange contraption was new to her. After closely examining it, she pressed the small white button on the front. "Wahh," She cried out in surprise as it expanded to fill her hand. This caused her to clumsily drop the Pokeball.

    In a bright flash of red, the figure of a small fox-like Pokemon became visible. Nyx, her newly received Eevee, stretched out its limps and let out a lazy yawn. "Eevee?" She murmured curiously, cocking her furry, brown head. A soft smile carressed Anna's face. It was the first time she layed eyes on her first Pokemon. There was no chance she would ever be put inside of that Pokeball again.

    Anna gingerly lowered herself to Nyx' level and held out her hand. "Привет, little one," she said in a quiet voice as not to alarm her new partner. The Eevee apprehensively smelled her trainer's hand and, after deciding there was no danger, nuzzled it affectionately. "Awww. 'Attagirl. I've decided to call you Nyx. Do... uhm... do you like it?" Anna smiled hopefully and clenched her hands together.

    The Eevee nodded and smiled. "Eee!" She cried happily. "Good!" Anna said, relieved. "In mythology, Nyx was the beautiful, powerful goddess of the night..." She paused to pet her Pokemon. "It's pretty fitting, I'd say. Hopefully one day you'll evolve into an Umbreon..." Anna pushed off of the ground and brought herself up to her feet. She let out a sigh and then smiled down at Nyx. "But, after all, that's up to you to decide."

    "Okay, давай..." Anna muttered in her Russian accent, "Now let's find us a Pokemon!" Nyx nodded in compliance and began snifing the air. After a few minutes, the Eevee bolted off through the grass. "Uhn... Nyx? Where are you going? Nyx!" Anna began to pursue her Pokemon, tailing closely behind. Nyx leapt into a bush near a tree and much to Anna's surprise, she heard the startled call of a new Pokemon.

    "Shiii!" Out of the bushed appeared a small yellow and black kitten-like Pokemon and along with him, Nyx. As soon as the Pokemon set eyes on Anna, he took a defensive stance and began to growl deeply. Anna, having never seen anything like him before, curiously examined the peculiar creature. "Что это...?"
    His small body sparking, he let out a battle cry. "Shin-Shinx!"

    Upon hearing this, Anna smirked. "Ahh. So this must be a Shinx!" She glanced at Nyx. "Ready, Nyx?" The Eevee nodded and lowered herself to the ground, ready to attack, and awaiting orders.

    "Nyx! Let's start this off with a Quick Attack!" Nyx leapt into the air and, with a flash of brown, rammed her body into that of the Shinx. The awestruck Pokemon stumbled to the side, not quite sure of what had happened. Quickly gaining his composure, he charged at Nyx with his fangs bared; a bite attack. She cried out in pain as his teeth sunk into her right front leg.

    "Okay, Nyx. Don't take that! Bite him back!"

    With the Shinx' teeth still buried in Nyx' leg, Nyx began to bite him on the back. The little Pokemon released his grip and gave the Eevee a terrifying look; a Leer attack. Nyx, took a step backwards, slightly affected by the gaze.

    "Good, Nyx. He's weak now... finish this off with a strong Tackle!"

    "Eevee! Eee!" Nyx cried as she lowered her head and began charging at her opponent. He attempted to dodge the attack, but wasn't quick enough. Her tackle landed and hit him in the ribs. He was knocked off of his feet and attempted to stand up, but failed. He had fainted.

    "Ура, прекрасно! Nyx! You're the best!" Anna scooped her partner into her arms, cradled her momentarily, and then placed her onto her shoulder. "I want you to have a front row seat for this..." Anna reached into her pocket and pulled out a Pokeball. She pressed the small white button, threw it at the Shinx, and crossed her fingers as it became engulfed in a red glow and disappeared into the ball.

    One, two, three shakes... it seemed like an eternity to Anna. And then no movement at all. "Nyx..." She paused to pick up the ball. "We did it! We caught a Pokemon!" The Eevee cheered happily and licked Anna's cheek. "Now you have a new friend."

    "What to call this little fellow...?" Anna was thinking out loud. "Ahh! I know! He shall be known as Brink!" Nyx cocked her head and emitted a curious, "Eev?" Anna smiled and shrugged, speaking as she took Nyx off of her shoulder and placed her on the ground. "Brink because waiting to see if I captured him almost drove me to the brink of insanity." The Eevee shook her head and limped to her position next to her trainer. Noticing this, Anna picked up her Pokemon and began to carry her. "Oh. Brink bit you... Don't worry, I'll get you both to a Pokemon Center right now." Anna placed the Pokeball safely back into her pocket and walked back the way she came. Towards civilization.

    If captured:

    Brink (Shinx)
    Gender: Male
    Nature: Brave
    Ability: Intimidate
    Last edited by Anna Egorov; 16th April 2010 at 05:19 PM.

  2. #2
    Awesome Opossum Sequentio's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Country, New Beginning, New Pokemon

    I'll claim this - especially since I speak Russian. ;D

  3. #3
    Awesome Opossum Sequentio's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Country, New Beginning, New Pokemon

    A grade! :)


    Introduction:
    You began with lovely lyrics of a Russian song. ( Whether it's made up or not, I don't really know. Also - since I read it myself, wouldn't нам be наша as in "our" grass? Although I could always be wrong. Please PM me about this later. It'd make an interesting discussion. :D )

    Beginning with lyrics is always interesting - since it usually sets the mood for the story. Lyrics of green grass usually signify some sort of serene state, which is ideal in the sort of story you've written. Unfortunately, not everyone speaks Russian and another grader may suggest you have a translation somewhere (at the top or bottom) for readers who are unfamiliar with the language you're using.

    Still, it was a nice beginning and slight introduction into the personality of your character.


    Plot:
    Anna is from Russia. She has a new Eevee. She walks outside. She finds Shinx. Eevee battles Shinx.
    ...
    That's not a very interesting plot when it's spelled out like that. It seems like something run of the mill that anyone can think up at any time. Remember, this is your story. You can literally do anything you want. Do Eevee live on the Moon? No? Well - they can now. Does gravity exist? Yes? You can get rid of that! Were you off hunting Luxray in the jungle when you stumbled across an ancient burial ground that when re-arranged, makes a time portal? YOU DID AND YOU CAN PUT IT IN WRITING!

    Graders just get tired of seeing the same plot in every story. We as readers want something unique - something to keep us interested. Since this is your first story, you're not going to be marked down on this in any way - but do remember to be creative. You can use anything and anyone. Make it your own. :)


    Dialogue & Grammar:
    I'm going to combine these two sections for your grade, as your grammar is very good. I didn't find any sort of punctuation errors or spelling mistakes. You capitalized the names of all the Pokemon and their moves, which is wonderful.

    Also, all of your dialogue was relevant to the plot and it gave insight into Nyx's personality. By her continually answering all of Anna's statements and questions, it shows how attentive and well-behaved she is.

    The one thing I did notice was;
    "What to call this little fellow...?" Anna was thinking out loud. "Ahh! I know! He shall be known as Brink!" Nyx cocked her head and emitted a curious, "Eev?"
    This was all bundled together. Because Nyx and Anna are separate people, their actions must also be separate.

    "What to call this little fellow...?" Anna was thinking out loud. "Ahh! I know! He shall be known as Brink!"

    Nyx cocked her head and emitted a curious, "Eev?"
    Otherwise, this section was lovely.


    Detail:
    I was fairly impressed with your ability to describe things in detail. Not everyone knows what a Pokemon is or what one looks like, so to dutifully describe Eevee as;
    In a bright flash of red, the figure of a small fox-like Pokemon became visible. Nyx, her newly received Eevee, stretched out its limps and let out a lazy yawn. "Eevee?" She murmured curiously, cocking her furry, brown head.
    was a lovely choice.

    You also described Anna, but in a very traditional sense.

    Anna, a young woman of 18, was singing a song to herself as she walked down an isolated dirt path. There wasn't much too her; only 5'5" with long brown hair and bright blue eyes.
    Sometimes it's best to give hints about the main character rather than to list it off in a sentence. It increases the flow nicely when you don’t have to read description all in one place.

    All in all, you had nice detail. Good job.


    Length:
    Just over the bare minimum! If you expand on your plot a bit more - you could have easily reached the 10k max required for Shinx. Try at least aiming for the middle of the tier next time. Pass. :)


    Battle:
    The battle was of an appropriate length and was quite believable. You described the attacks used and how they hit such as in;

    With the Shinx' teeth still buried in Nyx' leg, Nyx began to bite him on the back. The little Pokemon released his grip and gave the Eevee a terrifying look; a Leer attack. Nyx, took a step backwards, slightly affected by the gaze.
    However, you should also consider when writing battles how everything affects the Pokemon. When Nyx bit the Shinx on the back, what did the Shinx do? Did it yell in pain from the harsh sting on its back? Did it not feel it? What does a terrifying Leer look like? Adding such little things to a battle can really help improve the "vision" for the reader.

    Still, the battle was certainly acceptable for a Shinx story.


    Catching:
    Really, I can only complain about your plot here since your other sections were well put together. I'm going to say Shinx captured in the hopes your other stories will improve plot-wise. B)

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