Neon Tiger (B/W story. Some mild violence)

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Thread: Neon Tiger (B/W story. Some mild violence)

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    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Neon Tiger (B/W story. Some mild violence)

    Pokemon Capture: Purrloin
    Needed Characters: 5k
    Actual Characters: 5466


    Run neon tiger there's a price on your head
    They'll hunt you down and gut you, I'll never let them touch you
    Away, away, oh, run
    I'm begging you neon tiger run
    -Neon Tiger by The Killers


    The purple leopard Pokemon licked its paw lazily as it lay on the forest floor. Its beautiful coat shimmered in the dappled sunlight. The Liepard was resting as it waited for the sun to set and the jungle to cool down, so it could once again catch its prey from the human village. Meanwhile, the hunter crouched in the branches above its head. He moved as stealthily as the big cat, slithering through the trees like an Ekans. He belonged in the forest. He was part of it as all the living things here were. He wore no clothes other than a faded pair of shorts he had bought at a market long ago. His skin was darkly tanned, allowing him to blend in even further. The Liepard would never notice him coming.

    For the past month, the Liepard would come into the village every night and take someone, usually a small child or an elder. It was common for Pokemon to take a villager once in a while, but this one had come too many times. The hunter had been sent out to kill it. He watched the Liepard from his perch in the tree, watched its flank rise and fall with breath, watch as a gentle breeze stirred its fur. He watched all the things that marked the Pokemon as alive. He narrowed his eyes and jumped down.

    Instantly, the Liepard was on its feet. Its back was arched and all its fur was sticking out. Its claws were unsheathed and it growled menacingly. The hunter locked eyes with it. Deep brown eyes met almost glowing green ones. He saw a spark of intelligence and paused, like a deer in the headlights. The two opponents stared at each other from across the small clearing. They were evenly matched, one with claws and fangs, the other with a dagger hidden in his shorts.

    For a moment, they were both completely still. Then the Liepard flipped around and ran off deeper into the forest. It disappeared almost instantly. The hunter grumbled in frustration. He shouldn’t have hesitated. He crouched low to the ground, and saw clear paw prints in the mud. Luckily, it had rained the night before. The hunter raced through the forest after his prey. Once in a while, he would catch a glimpse of it in front of him, a neon tiger dashing through the emerald forest, like something out of a dream.

    Suddenly, the hunter stopped. He had lost the trail. He swore angrily under his breath. The sun was setting. Another villager would go missing tonight and there was nothing he could do about it. Furiously, he gathered together some branches and leaves and made a lean to. He crawled under it and forced himself to sleep.



    In the night, he heard a sound like a woman screaming. He slithered out of his lean-to and waited for his eyes to adjust to the light of the moon. It was still almost pitch black under the forest canopy. He scrambled over fallen logs and branches to the source of the sound, scraping himself on foliage, and bleeding on the slick, muddy ground. The only thing he could hear were the screams and his own harsh breathing. The hunter stumbled into a clearing, expecting to see someone being attacked. Instead, he saw the Liepard fighting an Ursaring. Behind it, were two Purrloin. The hunter watched, entranced, as the mother defended her kittens.

    The huge bear Pokemon took a swing at the Liepard, who dodged it and countered with a Night Slash. The Ursaring roared furiously as razor sharp claws cut open its muzzle. Before the Liepard could get away again, the Ursaring savagely tackled her, crushing her beneath it. The two Pokemon clawed wildly at each other, until they were fighting in a pool of their own blood. The Liepard’s beautiful fur was matted down with dirt and blood. It hissed defiantly as the Ursaring stood up on its hind legs before dropping down on it, breaking its back. The hunter winced as his prey went limp. The bear Pokemon growled and climbed off of its dead opponent. It walked over to the Purrloin kittens and picked up one in its mouth.

    Anger and determination filled the hunter and he ran forward. “Lui lai!” he shouted. “Roi di, di khoi, di xa!” The Ursaring raised its head to look up at the approaching hunter. He pulled the dagger from his pocket and waved it at the Pokemon. “Cut di! Ra cho khac!” The Ursaring knew humans and it knew knives. An old scar on its back still reminded it of pain, white hot, anger, hurt, pain, blood, sickness, pain. With the Purrloin still in its mouth, it ran off into the forest. The hunter considered chasing, but he doubted the kitten would live long with razor sharp teeth meeting in its neck.

    A pathetic mewling came from behind him and he turned his attention back to the other Purrloin. The purple and cream kitten meowed up at him, its green eyes filled with tears. The hunter did not know Pokemon could cry. He picked it up gently by the scruff of its neck and cradled it in his arm. The Purrloin buried its head in his chest, trying to avoid the sight of its dead mother. The hunter carried the little Pokemon through the forest and back to his village. Perhaps, the little Pokemon would grow strong one day. Maybe it would defend the village its mother had once attacked to bring it food. One day, the tiny Purrloin would be a friend to humans. As the hunter took the kitten back to his hut, it began to purr. He rubbed it between the ears and it fell asleep in the crook of his arm.
    Last edited by Alaskapigeon; 8th February 2011 at 11:35 PM.
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    Dance in the ashes Dragoness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Neon Tiger (B/W story. Some mild violence)

    If you don't mind waiting a few more days, I'll grade this.
    Faith
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    Siggie by Dragoness, aka me | Married 2 Noble One

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    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Neon Tiger (B/W story. Some mild violence)

    You're the best, sis. Just letting you know this wasn't my best. I just threw it together really fast cause I wanted to have the first BW story. Sooooo... ;D <3
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
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    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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    Dance in the ashes Dragoness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Neon Tiger (B/W story. Some mild violence)

    My sociology prof. has encouraged a vague, but constant hum of cooperation and one-on-one-everything in me. I'm inclined to think of this as what it should be: a friendly, possibly spirited discussion between writers, not quite a 'grade'. Soooo...let's start the discussion. A mostly one-sided discussion, which isn't really a discussion at all :P Dear, dear...

    Overall Quirks and Smorks:

    Catchy title. Creative and descriptive. When I first saw it, the image of Tiger Fuel's logo in blue neon raced through my mind. Moving on though...

    There seems to be a general lack of atmosphere. It felt like I was reading one recap of an event that led to another event that led to a middle that led to the climax combined with the ending. Whoosh and that's all she wrote.

    Lemmie ask you a question: what is the most important aspect of a story? Yeah, this is a really broad, quite subjective question that is given to change from story to story even. But it's also a thought provoking question. And given that this is not your English class and the purpose of this story is for the URPG, it's not really a correct time to ask. But I know you like writing, so I will ask. What is it? What are you trying to do with your story? Entertain? Get the thoughts out of your head and let them flow through the English language? Impart a sentiment?

    I dunno, but the more I think about the story while I'm writing it, the more I get into it, the more happy I am. Perhaps the same is true for you. So thus I encourage you to, as or after or before you write, think about it. I'm not talking about scribbling down intricate plot lines and character essays, I'm talking about being conscious of what and where your story is. You don't have to know how its going to end; you hardly have to know where it begins. Just think about it.

    So, About That Ambiance:

    Look over your story and see how quickly you're moving from point A to B. It is a short story and sometimes authors find a nice groove where they zip through things. But in those cases, the authors take advantage of every word of their short story to bring great imagery, or humor or emotion to their ideas. There isn't an exact formula for it, but personally it seemed the story was catching up, then slowing down as you went break neck speed.

    Description:

    Take a machete to the adjectives that aren't really bringing life to anybody. Pretend you're Rambo in the middle of that emerald jungle and your only chance of surviving is to be merciless. Go through your future stories and ask "What purpose does this serve?"

    Take, for example, the first sentence:
    Quote Originally Posted by Neon Tiger, 1st paragraph
    The purple leopard Pokemon licked its paw lazily as it lay on the forest floor.
    That sentence bugs me. I'm guessing that is b/c it has a bunch of nouns and I'm feeling unkind towards nouns today. Or maybe b/c it has a lot of information, but not much feeling. It was a good intro - I was quite interested when I read we were looking at a killer pussy.

    But anyway, you could cut out the adjective 'purple' and take another sentence to describe the colour a bit more vibrantly. Or maybe not, if you're intending to have a slim, slightly clipped description.

    Grammar/Spelling:

    Better than mine. Good work.

    Consistency:

    You are writing in a Pokemon universe. Or rather, you're writing about a Pokemon universe. Oh whatever, you know what I meant. Point is this: you know this. You thought about this factoid enough to use it to your advantage. Example, 1st paragraph: "...slithering through the trees like an Ekans." A comparison to a common 'mon. Good! I should chuck you some internet brownies...

    ...and then cruelly take them back, eat them in front of you, savoring every nibble, and then get up, dust the crumbs off and saunter my way back home, leaving you with nothing but a glass of luke warm water.

    Wow. That sounded a bit mean. Quite mean, actually. I have a point though - be consistent. Because about two paragraphs on you say 'deer in headlights.' What deer? Deerling maybe?

    And while we're on the subject, what headlights? From all the information I have, this is an evolving hunter-gatherer village. Where's the car? Yes, it's a saying, but it's kind of like reading a novel set in the old west and then suddenly having the narrator compare the horse traffic to rush hour in New York O.o Consistency, Watson, consistency.

    Creativity:

    I didn't listen to Neon Tiger 'till after I read your story through. I love it when people take a melody, a picture, an object or whatever and gain inspiration from it. Though of course I'm assuming the song gave way to some musing. The bear was an interesting touch. Anyway, wherever it came from it's a nice burst of fun and inventiveness. +1 cookie.

    Length: 5289 characters. No, I'm not counting the lyrics, pretty as they are. Looks good.

    Final comments:

    Twenty lashings with a wet noodle for rushing this...and a furry little kitten. Congrats, you caught a 'mon. It's a pretty decent story. Not the best I've seen from you, but very nice nonetheless. Hit me back w/some feedback if you wanna talk about the story/grade/whatever. Oh heck, I have an idea: I can be like YouTube peoples :D LIKE this if you hate [insert popular X] and love [insert popular Y] <3
    Faith
    ...
    Siggie by Dragoness, aka me | Married 2 Noble One

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