Mystery of the Laboratory

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  1. #1
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Default Mystery of the Laboratory

    Target Pokemon: Solosis
    Required Length: 10000 - 20000
    Actual Length: 14972

    Mystery of the Laboratory

    Rainbow Canyon Chronicles: Enter Yogamoko

    Somewhere in a large, shady forest, surrounded by many tall trees and murky grass. Similarly, the overgrown bushes suffocated the forest’s light and made the atmosphere murkier. A crooked old Laboratory existed deep within in the shadowy meadowlands. Many bushes and vines that latched from the trees, which overgrown around it. The crooked building had many broken windows and silky cobwebs surround the cracks. This place looked abandoned for a decade or two, and was clouded in mystery. A murky, fog encased the atmosphere around the nearby forest, which blended with dark, night’s sky. Suddenly, the overgrown undergrowth rustled violent and a bright, light peered through towards the building. The man had a shiny, baldhead and wore a giant, white lab coat. Lab coated man was known as Yogamoko. He also wore dark trousers and tinted glasses.

    “It has been many decades, since I have been here,” the man whispered in the night. “My old lab is all ruined.” He glared evilly through his dark specs and reflected the torch light from the reflected broken glass. Yogomoko carefully rustled through more overgrown bushes and towards some sort of entrance. This entrance to the lab was a brown, cobwebbed door, which hung off its hinges. It creaked slightly, which echoed throughout the haunted like building. Yogamoko walked through the crooked door and creaked shut. The bald man flashed his light at the path in front of him.

    “This sure looks old, and destroyed,” Yogamoko whispered to himself. The brown floor had cobwebs, and cracked boards, which were plastered all over. Light was beamed onto the walls and all tilted picture frames covered in dust existed. Yogamoko looked at the photograph and noticed himself in it. This was when he used to be a young scientist with a deadly ambition. However, what was that ambition? Suddenly, a chime clanged in the background of the dark laboratory. It echoed throughout the building and the scientist startled for a moment…

    “I do not remember putting chimes in this building before,” Yogamoko said to himself with a shocked look. He quickly flashed his torch around and the sound continued to chime. Then, wiped sweat that cascaded down his forehead with his hand. This laboratory had a few rooms and a crooked staircase that led to the top of the shadowy building. Yogamoko clopped his shoes up the stairway, which whined loudly with each step. Bright light beamed upward and revealed a small, green Pokemon that sat above the stairs. Suddenly, it disappeared as the lab scientist blinked.

    “That looked like…” Yogamoko said with a worried look. “No! Is it coming back to haunt me?” Quickly, he ran up the creaked staircase and looked around. There were four brown doors, which sparkled with the bright flashlight. These red doors looked like they were renovated.

    “These doors used to be silver and originally there were 2 rooms,” Yogamoko wondered to himself. He then walked slowly in the direction of the door. However, the walls in the upstairs of the building were a crimson colour. These walls were originally, how Yogamoko had perceived them to be.
    Suddenly, the door he reached out for creaked open. The bald man walked through the door. His flashlight in his hand flickered violently and then burnt out.

    “Eh, I just put a new battery in this,” the bald man said to himself. Unexpectedly a ray of light appeared and illuminated the room. Yogamoko’s eyes dazzled within the bright sunlight like beams. The room had been brightened up by a chandelier that sparkled intensely. Within this room was a mini laboratory, which contained a number of scientific objects. Lab coats hung off coat pegs; rainbow coloured potions bubbled over their conical flasks; Bunsen burners lit up fiercely and heated rapidly. Yogamoko looked stunned as his tinted glasses reflected the activity.

    “What is this?” He asked himself. “My laboratory has been taken over whilst I was in prison.” He had a vision of the past that moment and when he was chained up for Pokemon experiments. In the past Yogamoko experimented on a Solosis and created a copy of its genetics. Therefore, created a clone Solosis. That Pokemon still wanders around the Psyching Forest of Rainbow Canyon. The cloned Pokemon has wandered for decades ever since it was copied. Suddenly, a BANG sound crashed up the stairs outside the room. Yogamoko quickly looked around the laboratory and saw some cupboards underneath the work surfaces. He quickly opened one of the crimson doors and shimmied in.

    “Finally, we captured it,” a voice shouted as the door swung open. Footsteps crashed violently on the white, tiled floor as another man entered the room. His assistant was a young female. Yogamoko peered through a hole within the cupboard and saw the man. He wore smooth, black trousers with shiny, silver boots on his feet. Similarly, the trainer had a black vest top on with the letter “R” on it. The letter was in a crimson colour. His female assistant had smooth red boots and wore dark, grey trousers. Similarly, she had a white jacket with crimson “R” on it. They seemed to be part of a criminal syndicate.

    “That clone Solosis is a special one,” the woman said and laughed. She carried a cage with a Psychic Pokemon in it. It looked angry and had sharp, evil like eyes. This Pokemon was a green, musty ghost like blob. It also had small, red like mouth and bright yellow horns. It banged its silver, strong cage viciously and burst a psychic blast towards the cabinet Yogamoko hid inside. Suddenly, the cage was broken and Solosis levitated to the cabinet. It then head butted it violently.

    “What is that Solosis doing Yaki?” The man said to the girl. He pushed his hand to his head in shock. The cupboard door swung open and Yogamoko was revealed. His lab coat flickered for a moment and then he crept out. Solosis backed off and glared at him.

    “Who is that disgusting old man?” Yaki shouted angrily. “Jugo sort out that man.” She pointed at her colleague. The “R” duo glared at Yogamoko as he straightened his tinted glasses.

    “Nice to see you again, Jugo,” Yogamoko said. “I did not realise you would ship me off to prison, just to take over my research.” Yogamoko placed his hands into his pockets and looked at Solosis. The levitating Pokemon hissed viciously at the scientist. That cloned Pokemon was always evil.
    “I did not think you would come back here,” Jugo shouted angrily. The Bunsen burners around them started to burn more fiercely. The energy within the laboratory was not heart-warming. Suddenly, Yaki turned to Jugo and saw his teeth gritted together.

    “I will take back what is mine. Thank you,” Yogamoko said calmly. He did not lose his cool and then revealed a Pokeball from underneath his white lab coat. Jugo then reached to his black pocket and brought out a sphere like ball. He tossed it to the white, tiled floor. The rat Pokemon had sharp piercing fangs and had shady, purple fur. It was ready to battle and snarled violently at Yogamoko.

    “Let’s battle for the lab,” Jugo shouted. “Yaki you join in too!” Yaki suddenly looked around and threw a Pokeball to the ground. Crimson, light flickered up from the ball and released a small, purple Grass Pokemon who camouflaged within the tall grass. It was Oddish. This Pokemon had razor, sharp leaves on its head, which could cut through viciously many objects. Yogamoko threw a ball, which released a Solosis. The scientist’s emerald Pokemon partner levitated through the air. However, the cloned version started to soften and relaxed.

    “Solosis use Psywave on Oddish,” Yogamoko shouted. “Then, I suggest using Psychic on Rattata.” The purple rat dashed across the tiled floor, which tapped rapidly. It then hopped through the air. Rattata span round violently, which tackled Solosis. The levitated Pokemon was crashed backwards slightly and damaged. Solosis then levitated speedily. It shook its body and a psychic energy materialised around the sphere like Pokemon. The burst of energy was then tossed with Rattata attached, which smashed it to the floor. Rattata then squealed with pain on the cold lab floor.

    “No, Rattata,” Jugo shouted with anger. Yogamoko’s Solos shook its emerald head rapidly for a moment, and a wave of psychic energy was flashed towards him. The Psywave attack pelted Oddish continuously, which psyched it. The little leave Pokemon shivered on the white tiled floor next to Rattata. Suddenly, it hopped back onto its purple feet.

    “Oddish, use Razor Leaf,” Yaki shouted. Oddish’s green leaves detached and then levitated quickly through the laboratory’s atmosphere. Solosis was slashed violently by the attacks, which made it fall to the ground. For a moment, the emerald Pokemon screeched and then blinked its eyes. In the background behind the conical flasks was the cloned Pokemon. The copy Solosis felt bad for the injured Solosis. Jugo quickly brushed his black top and then helped Rattata to its feet. The purple rat then dashed once more across the floor and tackled the aura Pokemon.

    “Solosis, counter with Energy Ball!” Yogamoko shouted. Rattata landed to the ground as Solosis shook its head. It then shook again for a moment in the heated air. Suddenly, the Psychic Pokemon flashed a grassy wave of power in the direction of Rattata. The Energy Ball attack dazzled the Pokemon and it fainted on top of the tiles. Next, the aura creature shook for a moment and dazzled another Psywave attack towards Oddish. The leaf monster sat their as the waves waved towards it.

    “Oh no Rattata,” Jugo shouted. Rattata fainted on tiled floor. Oddish then was smacked back next to it. The leaf Pokemon scraped the ground, which caused massive damage. Jugo and Yaki looked at each other in disgust whilst Yogamoko’s tinted glasses reflected their faces.

    “Now leave my research alone, “Yogamoko shouted in disgust. The cloned Solosis hovered from behind the work surface full of flasks. Both Solosis danced around each other in the air. Suddenly, two crimson beams of light reflected at Rattata, and Oddish occurred. Both fainted Pokemon were returned immediately.

    “I wanted to clone the Psyching Forest’s Spoink for their special jewels,” Jugo explained. “I cannot seem to succeed in my plans lately.” Jugo then grabbed a nearby bar that rested between two worktops. The bar was a shiny, silver colour. He swung it fast at the surroundings, which smashed glasses everywhere. Shards of glass headed towards Yogamoko’s head. The cloned Solosis then used a psychic power, which slowly removed the shards into a puff of smoke. Suddenly, the cloned Pokemon zapped energy that teleported Jugo and Yaki out. Both trainers screamed because they were unsure what would happen. They disappeared in a large smokescreen.

    “What is this?” Yogamoko shouted. Both Jugo and Yaki appeared outside in Psyching Forest between murky, tall trees alongside overgrown bushes. Yogamoko’s tinted glasses were quickly pressed up as he looked at the cloned Solosis.

    “I came here to destroy my research,” he said. “Looks like Jugo did that for me.” Unexpectedly the Bunsen burners light up fiercely across the crimson worktops and started a fire. However, the abandoned lab had no fire extinguishers or windows in the upstairs room. The door slammed shut and creaked. Yogamoko tried to force the door open but could not. His trusty Solosis joined in the push but no luck. Then, the cloned Solosis sent a Shadow Ball attack at the original creature.

    “What?” Yogamoko shouted. An aura of foggy shadows materialised in a giant sphere around its body. Suddenly, it was zoned outwards through the fiery blaze and in the direction of the Yogamoko’s Solosis. It was buffeted by the power of shadows and bounced rapidly off the closed, crimson door. It suddenly turned around and blasted an Energy Ball attack back. The original creature shook its emerald head. Suddenly, a speedy ball of a murky grass buffeted the clone creature. It fell back in pain… Unexpectedly, the flames surrounded both Pokemon whilst they levitated into the centre of the room. Crimson worktops and cupboards were mashed up and destroyed.

    “That Solosis wants a Shadow Ball attack next!” Yogamoko shouted whilst he ducked for cover. Flames roared fiercely and seared at the walls. Solosis then shook its emerald head, and squinted its black eyes. A giant sphere of shadowy, fog materialised in its rouge mouth. Shadow Ball was flashed in the direction of the clone and dematerialised around it. The cloned Solosis fell backwards through the flames, and screeched loudly as the flames burnt it. Suddenly, it rapidly went through the roaring fire and sent a Psywave attack. It spouted through its mouth, shiny psychic waves, which pulsed towards Solosis. The waves dazzled Yogamoko’s Solosis and it fell to the ground. Both Pokemon appeared weak and panted rapidly.

    “Go Solosis, use another Energy Ball!” Yogamoko saluted and said. He hid in the corner of the room as the flames blocked his view. It was as if a volcano erupted and neither Pokemon had the power of water to stop them. Solosis then blasted another aura of grass. The surged grassy attack dazzled the cloned sphere and it fell to the ground. The white tiled floor was burned rapidly by the out of control volcanic eruption.

    “These flames are getting worse,” Yogamoko worried. “At least my research notes will be burned for good now.” The cloned Solosis levitated off the ground once more and sent another Shadow Ball attack. It shook its emerald head for a moment and shadows materialised around its crimson mouth. Suddenly, it was streamed towards Yogamoko’s Solosis and bashed it backwards. It fainted as the spheres of shadows reflected it back through the fire. It shrieked loudly and hit a wall next to Yogamoko. He then threw off his glasses and then revealed his bright, oceanic eyes. He then hugged his fainted Pokemon.

    “Solosis, I am sorry for what I have done,” he cried. “I will catch this cloned Solosis so we can be friends, together.” Suddenly, the blaze flared up and materialised around the cloned Pokemon. A red and white sphere was tossed quickly through the flames. It caused a giant breeze as the speed it soared. Fire seared Solosis and it shrieked in pain. The ball bounced off its emerald head and it landed on the floor. It rolled once… twice… However, the volcanic aboratoryl cocooned around the Pokeball. Therefore, Yogamoko did not know what happened…
    WinterVines 3:53 pm
    im sorry women are difficult
    i understand why some should stay in the kitchen

  2. #2
    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Mystery of the Laboratory

    Mine!

    *falls after claiming so many*

    - Kat


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  3. #3
    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Mystery of the Laboratory

    {I think I’m an hour, hour and a half, into my trip. The dogs behind me have settled down, no longer breathing next to my face.}

    Intro: We’re introduced to the surroundings and the main character. You give us some mystery when you introduced Yogamoko. We don’t know exactly what happened for him to abandon his laboratory and why it seems he’s angry for it. We also don’t know why he decided to come back. It’s all good and dandy, and it gave me plenty to wonder about.

    Plot: I liked your plot, but for some reason, it didn’t hold my interest for long. The first half of the plot consisted of Yogamoko investigating the abandoned laboratory, and the second half was spent mostly on battling. Though it wasn’t bad, I felt there was a lot more to be told. You leave us with more unanswered questions than answers, and this made the whole story felt somewhat disjointed. This is a Medium Story, and when I think of plots for such stories, I either think of a full, short plot (I.e a Pokémon stole something) or the teaser of something bigger, much like what you have done. There will be plot points that are not going to be resolved, and that’s okay. However, I felt you neglected to mention the most important plot point of the story: Why was Solosis cloned in the first place? Since you never told us, we don’t know if it’s because Yogamoko was simply bored one day or because it was the first step to something bigger.

    The reason I care more about this and not, for example, how it was Jugo’s doing that Yogamoko landed in jail or exactly why the scientist decided to come back to the laboratory in the first place, is because the cloned Solosis (or the actual act of cloning) is the center of everything that happens in the story. This is the reason Jugo did what he did why they decided to battle for the lab. Basically, it’s the story’s one-million dollar question.

    Spelling/Grammar: And this is where I felt you had trouble with. However, for the most part, it wasn’t much bad grammar as awkwardly-worded sentences.

    Sometimes, you had fragments, such as in the first sentence of the story. There’s description but no noun is ever mentioned.

    Lab coats hung off coat pegs; rainbow coloured potions bubbled over their conical flasks; Bunsen burners lit up fiercely and heated rapidly.
    Semicolons are used to join two, independent sentences that are related. While these sentences are related (description of the room), too many semicolons is a bit of an eyesore. Much like exclamations marks and questions marks during narration, semicolon should be used sparingly. Since this is basically a list, you can easily replace the semicolons with commas.

    Suddenly, a BANG sound crashed up the stairs outside the room.
    The word “sound” is redundant since by putting an onomatopoeia, you are already telling us it’s a sound.

    rainbow coloured potions
    You need a hyphen whenever you use “colored” or “like.” So, “rainbow-colored,” “pig-like,” and so on.

    “What is that Solosis doing Yaki?” The man said to the girl.
    Even though you are using a question mark (or an exclamation mark), it should still be, “the man said to the girl.” (You also need a comma before the name of someone who’s being addressed.)

    There were times you added unnecessary commas. For example:

    Suddenly, the overgrown undergrowth rustled violent and a bright, light peered through towards the building.
    You don’t need the comma after “bright” because if you read this aloud, a brief pause would make the rest of the sentence sound awkward.

    Length: You’re good to go.

    Characters:

    Yogamoko: He’s an interesting character, but as said before, his motives aren’t exactly clear at times. The reason for his entire research, research that seems to be dangerous in the wrong hands, was unknown to us. I’m still not sure what compelled him to come back to the laboratory.

    Solosis Clone: The clone was fun to read about, to say the least. However, I was never sure exactly what it was feeling. Yogamoko mentioned it was evil, that it has always been, and it certainly seemed like it when it was captured. Then it felt sorry for its original and helped out in the battle for the lab. After that, its demeanor did a one-eighty, and it began to attack Yogamoko and its Solosis again. I’m guessing, then, that evil here has a different meaning other than, “attacking anything and anyone with no apparent cause.” I was never sure to whom it was being angry at because I never knew its reasons to be angry in the first place.

    Jugo: I love Team Rocket, and I especially liked how Jugo’s/Team Rocket’s purpose was to clone Grumpig for their pearls. I never thought about it before, but that would certainly garner a profit. It seemed a bit abrupt how he just announced his plan after being defeated, though; if anything, Jugo would seem to be the type of person to not tell his plans, just to spite Yogamoko.

    Description/Detail: Let me start out by telling you what I think are your favorite words:

    - murky
    - crimson
    - suddenly

    One of the things I noticed in your writing is that descriptions seemed repetitive. You used murky no less than three times in the first paragraph, and I lost count on how many times you used suddenly and crimson (though you used rouge at one point.) Especially in such a short story, repetition makes for a boring read. There are alternatives to crimson: red, garnet, ruby. You can also compare the color to something else: blood-red, fire-red, and really, anything else. What I especially like about the latter is that you’re not just telling us the color but how that color is represented. A blood-red, if used correctly, can paint us a gruesome, unsettling picture. Fire-red can communicate power, strength, and bravery. Even going as far as, “… as red as the irises of the Devil himself,” can mean a lot.

    As for suddenly, the word is like using onomatopoeia during narration; if used sparingly, it can create a lasting effect. Since you used suddenly in almost every paragraph, there was no effect to it, and I actually dreaded to see another suddenly as I read because, well, it would seem more anti-climatic than anything else. So, remember: use suddenly sparingly and only for a grand effect, something that would have made your heart hammer in your chest in real life. Also, just like color, there are other ways you can communicate surprise and suddenness. “A heartbeat later, the creature attacked,” is one example.

    Barring that, the rest of the description was great, if worded in a way that made me stop every now and then. I can’t put my finger on it, exactly, but you word things in a way that I haven’t seen before. For example, you described a Poké Ball as sphere-like, and while that paints a good picture, I couldn’t help but wonder a second later, “Wait, isn’t a sphere technically a ball?” It would have sounded better if you had just said “sphere.”

    The levitated Pokemon was crashed backwards slightly and damaged.
    Here’s another example. It tells us what’s going on, but then I had to stop and think. A crash is basically what happens when one object meets another violently, so basically a crash is an end result. However, you use it here as the action of bringing an object into a crash because of the usage of “backwards.” You see what I mean? It doesn’t quite make sense.

    Then you tend to describe things the minute they appear on screen, like the bar Jugo brought out. It was like pausing a movie, describing it, and moving on. It’s not all bad, and sometimes, you don’t have to describe everything “in action,” as some people put it. If you say more than just the color and physical features of a person or object, description in “pause” mode isn’t all that bad. You have to take the description up a notch. Take the bar; maybe something like this could be more effective:

    Jugo took out his crowbar. It seemed that once a upon a time, it had been silver, but now, stains of what uncomfortably looked like blood marred its surface. One end was dented, and Yogamoko could only imagine the shattered skull it felt behind.

    If you don’t like describing standstill objects so much then maybe you should try describing things in action instead.

    Jugo took out the crowbar and swung for the scientist’s head. The glint of shiny silver flashed early enough for Yogamoko to see it and duck his head.
    So, just to summarize: Blandly telling us what something/one looks like is boring and abrupt. Spicing up that description or describing things through actions provides for great storytelling.

    Battle: There were two battles, and both, in my opinion, were evenly matched. The only thing that caught me off guard was the description (I know I already wrote about this, but humor me.) There were times that you didn’t say how an attack hurt the Pokémon. “Damaged” can mean anything from a concussion to a severed arm. Elaboration will do wonders for your battles I’m not asking for paragraphs of description, just the specifics.

    The Energy Ball attack dazzled the Pokemon and it fainted on top of the tiles. Next, the aura creature shook for a moment and dazzled another Psywave attack towards Oddish. The leaf monster sat their as the waves waved towards it.

    “Oh no Rattata,” Jugo shouted. Rattata fainted on tiled floor.
    Rattata fainted twice? O_o

    Climax: Laboratory about to explode? That’s some excitement right there. However, I didn’t really understand Yogamoko’s “Let’s all be friends with the clone,“ thing at the end. He had said before the clone was evil, and though it did help them with the Rockets, it attacked them after that and was basically preventing them from escaping an explosion or a massive fire. Yogamoko’s sudden change in opinion was a bit unbelievable. If anything, I think he would have wanted to capture the clone in order to get rid of the last piece of evidence of his research.

    Outcome: Sorry if I sounded a bit too harsh during any of this. I still need to get back into grading mode. Solosis captured! Enjoy your Pokémon!


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