The Mystery of the Antique Ruins

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  1. #1
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Default The Mystery of the Antique Ruins



    The Mystery of the Antique Ruins

    “I am wandering around this ruin, hoping for an exit…” a mysterious voice emerged in darkness. “How will I escape if the ruins are sealed tightly?”

    A shadowy cave full of strange calligraphy of Pokemon pictures scaled the rusty, brick walls. Many explorers had hoped to find these hidden ruins full of ancient secrets. Legend has it that the Pokemon that lived within these relics had magical powers in the past. They reaped destruction within their numbers as a strong team, however… Not this time! One of the team members was sealed away because it was not strong enough…

    “I wish I was stronger,” the creature squeaked. “If only the pact accepted me because I was a different shape to them.” It hovered slightly around the dark room, and was shrouded in psychic energy. A lonely Unown floated throughout the room and appeared very upset. Perhaps this Pokemon had wandered around the shadowed chamber for years. Unown was an alphabet-like Psychic Pokemon, which had a giant eye, and was black all over. This Pokemon levitated around the room quickly and looked like the letter ‘A’.

    “I may look like a letter, but I can be stronger with other of my species,” the mysterious said and hovered around the chamber. “I need to get out of this room!” Unown mysteriously swooped through the cold ruin air, and then rested on top of a cupboard. It was a damp closet covered in silky, cobwebs that inhabited it from other creatures. Around this chamber were old textbooks that had been left here by travellers who got trapped within. Similarly, old bodies that had rotted away had been left behind because they were trapped within the ruins. The carcasses of the body had antique yellow rags and hard hats, which had been left behind by a number of Ruin Maniacs that searched the chamber in the past.

    Unown hovered silently over the bodies through the cold air and said. “I never killed them… they just fell into the traps of this ruin,” Unown withered to itself. Its eye never blinked because it was Psychic. The alphabet soup creature could read minds, however only with other of its kind. The cupboard creaked once more when the Pokemon rested onto it and stressed about its problems…

    Meanwhile, not far from the ruin was a young boy who has just received his first Pokemon from his father. He was only ten years old, but was a very clever youngster. His name was Mason. Mason had ginger hair, and wore a bright, red t-shirt with “Alaska equals Pigeon Rights” on it. No one knew what this mean… Beside him was his Starter Pokemon, which was an Axew. This green dragon Pokemon had pale tusks, which protruded from the sides of its mouth. The back of Axew’s head, tipped with dark greyish-green, and had a spike-like protrusion. Most of this dragon Pokémon’s body was a dull green and it squeaked loudly at Mason.

    “Hey Axew. How ya doin’?” Mason asked Axew. “We have to go visit the ruins today!” Axew jumped into the air a little and stomped back to the grassy, green scenery. Mason and the baby dragon creature stood and looked towards the rusty, brown path. This led to some ruins, which had no entrance. The ruins were known as Unique Ruins. This was because nobody lived to tell the tale of the Unique Ruins.

    “Axew.” Axew said a little worriedly. Axew’s bright eyes closed a little and it looked around quickly at its surroundings. Tall, king-like trees stood high as the wind rustled slowly across them. Suddenly, the clouds started to puff up and turn dark… Cold rain poured quickly from the dark sky.

    “Not this rain again,” Mason shouted. “Let’s quickly go to the Antique Ruins!” They both started to get drenched and quickly rushed in the direction of the ruins path. However, this was silly because the chambers had no entrance… The rain poured violently down onto their faces, but they pressed on. Suddenly, Axew stumbled over for a moment onto the muddy grass and roughed up its face. The dragon creature opened its eyes slowly and looked straight forward through some trees. Between the verdant trees, lay a grey, circular button that had been covered with grass.

    “What have you found Axew?” Mason shouted whilst he panted within the rain. They had just reached the Antique Ruins, which was a rocky building with no windows, or doors. Axew then sniffed this button whilst the cold, water gushed onto its green, back. CLICK! Suddenly, the baby dragon jumped onto the grey button and the ground started to rumble. Leaves violently rustled from the trees and flew quickly to the muddy grass.

    “What did you do?” Mason asked Axew whilst he had a shocked look on his face. Unexpectedly, the ruin front wall crumbled open and rocks pelted to the ground. An entrance was revealed. Mason and Axew both stood silently in the rain and had never seen such mysterious events occur like this before.

    “I know Dad told me not to venture to Antique Ruins because of what happened in there,” Mason said to himself. “But, I have a feeling it has the answers I may be looking for.” Mason had a bad experience with the chambers before… his Uncle had investigated the ruins on a stormy night, 1 year ago and never returned. More rocks crumbed to magically made entrance to the leftover cavern.

    “Axew!” Axew screeched loudly and ran quickly into the dark tunnel, entrance. The rain gushed it quickly as it rushed inside. Mason dashed after the baby dragon Pokemon and headed inside. Inside the chamber was a big room full of silky string and dusty old cupboards. Mason and Axew stood closer together in the centre of the room. The ginger youngster grabbed a torch from his backpack and shined it brightly into the room.

    “Oh my gosh!” Mason shouted, and it echoed the giant chamber. “This is incredible. I can see strange transcripts on the walls. They seem to be Pokemon images…” Mason had been told by his Uncle about a strange tablet, which was found in the past of lettering, which was similar to the walls in Antique Ruins. It was known that Unown had created these walls and trapped one of their kind inside. However, this was always a Legend and could have all changed.

    Suddenly, Axew stumbled in the direction of a cupboard and sniffed it with its grey nose. Creaking sounds squawked loudly and dust flustered into the baby dragon’s face. A mysterious figure emerged from inside the coffin like closet and hovered in the direction of Axew.

    “Finally, someone has pushed the button so I could escape!” A voice shouted loudly. Mason suddenly turned around and beamed his flash light onto the black creature. Ginger boy gasped and started to breathe deeply.

    “An Unown…” Mason startled and then smiled. “The legend was true! There in fact was an Unown left all by itself in this strange chamber!” He clenched his fist and pointed at the Psychic creature. Axew on the other hand put his brave face on and glared at the Pokemon.

    “I was left here after a terrible accident,” Unown explained My Unown friends all abandoned me for my drastic deeds.” Unown flashed back to itself about the time a Ruin Manic had got out a spade violently and attacked him. A sudden blast of light enticed the Manic and he disappeared leaving his body behind. Mason glanced over to the dusty floor, and noticed a bodies’ remains. He stumbled over it closely on his knees and noticed who it was…

    “My Uncle!” Mason said and shouted. “You are the reason I never saw him again?” He stood to his feet and dropped his shiny torch. Mason pointed at Unown and clenched his other fist. Axew grew angry and rushed in front of Mason.

    “I did not mean to make that man disappear,” Unown tried to explain. “He attacked me with a spade and the other Unown neglected me.” The Psychic creature levitated across in front of Axew. Then, the baby dragon Pokemon sharpened its grey claws and slashed Unown. Giant scratch marks tore through its black, coated skin and smacked it backwards.

    “You will pay for this Unown!” Mason shouted and then cheered Axew on. Unown hovered back angrily towards Axew. The chamber’s cold chill flushed at the Pokemon as they shivered.

    “You will pay for that Axew!” Unown shouted. “Take my Hidden Power!” Suddenly the Psychic creature frantically circled in the air and combusted a stream of fire. The hot, fiery attack streamed at the baby dragon and was flown into the air. Unown then speedily dashed through the frozen atmosphere and bashed Axew’s green head.

    “No Axew!” Mason shouted angrily as his Pokemon tumbled across the cobwebby ground. Axew struggled to get up and then got to its feet. The cold floor made the dragon shiver a little.

    “I forgot my power has limits whilst I am alone,” Unown whispered to itself. Suddenly, Unown shafted in the direction of Axew a frozen beam of ice. The beam frosted across its hard, green body and shattered. Axew fell to the ground in pain and wailed loudly.

    “Come on Axew,” Mason shouted and thought about avenging his Uncle. “Use Crunch!” Axew struggled to its feet once more and swooped through the air and mashed its sharp, dagger like teeth around Unown’s tip. Unown fell to the ground and squirmed heavily on the dusty, ground. The wall full of Unown pictures started to sparkle slightly at the pain Unown was in.

    “Oh no,” Unown squeaked to itself. “I am too weak to battle. I promise you I never meant to hurt your Uncle!” Unown shivered on the ground and Axew watched carefully at it.

    “Capture me,” Unown said. “I will help bring back your Uncle and it will free me from this prison.” Mason stood angrily and clenched his fist. He stomped the ground like a bull and then reached for his pocket. Suddenly, a red and white ball was tossed through the cold air. It bounced onto the black creature, and absorbed with a transparent crimson light. Unown was sucked inside and the ball dropped to the ground. It wriggled some…

    “I will make you rescue my Uncle if you decide to stay inside that ball,” Mason angrily pledged in the darkness.

    Perhaps Mason has the same anger his Uncle had?
    WinterVines 3:53 pm
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  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Mystery of the Antique Ruins

    Hey, I'll claim this and TOTALLY NOT TAKE A MONTH TO GRADE IT I SWEAR THIS TIME.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
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  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Mystery of the Antique Ruins

    Intro/Plot/Characters:

    You start out with a mysterious voice talking to itself in a dark, spooky chamber. A good start. Remember that an introduction is used to hook the reader and to introduce the main characters and setting of a story. Yours achieved all of this rather well. The whole thing gives this story a darker and grittier Indiana Jones type vibe, if you know what I mean. It seems like something that'd grab the attention of most readers. Nice ^_^

    Your plot as a whole is rather interesting, if simple. An Unown has been trapped in a cavern for about a year for some crime it committed. It is later revealed that it accidentally caused the disappearance of a young boy's uncle. This boy battles the Unown and tries to capture it. It's pretty much just a spin on the normal 'Hey, look, a Pokemon I'm gonna capture it' type stories. However, yours is different because it leaves questions for the reader to answer. It's got that extra layer of thought put into it. Where did the uncle go? What must it be like for the Unown to be abandoned? I can't tell if this is the beginning of a series or not, but if it is then this will keep readers coming back. If not, it will leave them with a strong impression and something to think about.

    The character of Mason is a simple one, but since you're aiming for a Simple Pokemon, that's perfectly okay. He doesn't seem to have much of a motivation at first, other than getting out of the rain. Then once he finds the Unown and learns that it is responsible for the disappearance of his uncle, things spice up a little. We wonder about the relationship between Mason and his uncle, as well as the final words of the story.

    Perhaps Mason has the same anger his Uncle had?
    A strong ending is just as important as a strong beginning and you have it. Congrats.

    Also...

    Mason had ginger hair, and wore a bright, red t-shirt with “Alaska equals Pigeon Rights” on it.
    I didn't expect that at all, so I lol'd.

    Grammar:

    A shadowy cave full of strange calligraphy of Pokemon pictures scaled the rusty, brick walls.
    Calligraphy refers exclusively to a kind of writing. I can sorta see that you meant that the Unown pictures look like writing but since they're pictures... they can't also be writing.

    If only the pact accepted me because I was a different shape to them.
    Should be 'from' instead of 'to'.

    “I may look like a letter, but I can be stronger with other of my species,” the mysterious said
    You left out a noun here. Mysterious what?

    It was a damp closet covered in silky, cobwebs that inhabited it from other creatures
    You don't need a comma since there's only one adjective there.

    “I never killed them… they just fell into the traps of this ruin,” Unown withered to itself.
    You can't really use 'wither' in a dialogue tag because you can't wither things you're saying. It's something you do with your body, not with your voice.

    “Axew.” Axew said a little worriedly.
    You have to connect to a dialogue tag with a comma, not a period.

    Detail:

    Detail is one of the stronger points in your story. As I mentioned earlier, you gave the whole story an adventurous feel, but one that was sort of dark. It's a different vibe than many stories, to be sure. Sort of a compromise between all the grimdark people (guilty!) and the happy-go-lucky sunshine people. You also made sure to describe all of the Pokemon, people, and battle scenes well, which is good. Perhaps try adding more sensory description such as smell/feel, though you've got sight and sound down. I like this next section in particular:

    Similarly, old bodies that had rotted away had been left behind because they were trapped within the ruins. The carcasses of the body had antique yellow rags and hard hats, which had been left behind by a number of Ruin Maniacs that searched the chamber in the past.
    *hums Indiana Jones theme quietly* I also liked the quote below this one though I'm not 100% sure why. I think it's elegant in its simplicity. Or maybe it was the description of the trees as 'king-like'.

    Tall, king-like trees stood high as the wind rustled slowly across them. Suddenly, the clouds started to puff up and turn dark… Cold rain poured quickly from the dark sky.
    Overall, good job here for a Simple story. Perhaps there could've been a bit more about Mason's feelings towards his uncle, but other than that everything looks good.


    Length: You've got more than enough, you're fine.

    Outcome: Unown... captured. A great job for a Simple story, just remember to spice it up a little if you go for higher Pokemon (though you're an experience author, so you know that. Here's your Unown:

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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