In my way

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  1. #1
    Sometimes Quiet Joltik's Avatar
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    Default In my way

    Pokemon tying to catch: Shellos
    Simple 5k to 10k characters
    total with spaces: 6,471
    without spaces: 5193


    It was a wonderful day in Sinnoh. The starlys were singing. The sun was shining, and the flower's were blooming. A young girl looked down the beach, a picnic basket was under her arm. She happily walked down the beach hearing the regular sounds of waves crashing and the often sound of a Wingull's call. She plopped down and spread out her blanket and placed the basket next to it. She pulled out a book and a sandwich and stared munching. Watching a Wailord pod surface and go back under. Relaxed and calm she laid down, her book could wait, as she craved a nap.


    She awoke to a small something pushing her in the side. she got up, and turned to face her attacker. It was a small slug like thing, that had two wave like crests on it's head, with white ends. It was blue, on the top with the bottom part being some shade of green. It also has a yellow divider between the two parts the yellow when up to it's eye's and circled them. It had two flaps on it's back which had three humps on each. The flaps also had the yellow only as a border this time. this was the pokemon know as Shellos, or to be more exact a East Sea Shellos.


    The Shellos was moving across the blanket on to the sand and over a rock.The girl was surprised that the Shellos had not taken any of her food, or used it's moves on her. She scratched her head, decided not to question it, and laid back down.


    The Shellos was very ticked that some human had got in in her way. She always walked the same path every day, more then once a day, and hated being interrupted. Maybe she sould have attacked the human that was in her way, but the human could be a trainer, and she disliked being attacked by other pokemon. A crazy thought entered her head "wast if she were caught?" she pushed the idea out of her head. Few people caught Shellos, and less evolved them. Some people caught Shellos because they were "cute" but wouldn't evolve them because they thought Gastrodon ugly. Others ignored Shellos because they were weak, and just whet straight for Gastrodon because of the lack of weakness, the only being grass. she was only a Shellos, and she wanted to evolve.


    The girl had reawaken and was now reading a book "Of Rattata and men" she groaned. school work was ruing her day, she had to finish this book by tomorrow then right a report on it. But it was the only way to get her parent to agree to this beach day was to promise to read the freaken book. just a few more chapters to go.


    The Shellos continued on it's path. Maybe the girl was a trainer. Maybe she could help her become strong. But there was a problem, ever since the day she hatched and her mom left, as it was done with Shellos, she had walked the same path. Her sibling left the beach, and found new homes. Things had been the same since day one, as it was a small beach and few other pokemon, or humans lived or came there. A few times a person or pokemon got in her way, but they moved or she waited until they did move. Being caught would change everything, and she would have no say. The Shellos pondered this, as she went into the ocean to her favorite patch of sea grass and grazed there. she had never left the beach because she had no reason to, if it the trainer could, well, train her into a Gastrodon, then it would be worth it. If the girl was a trainer then she would have pokemon, she could talk to the pokemon and find out if the trainer did evolve her pokemon.


    The girl looked up from her book and put it down, sickened." they killed him" she yelled out enraged "They killed the nicest person in the book! It was an accent he did not have to do that! GA!" she thew book on the ground, only to sign and pick up the book. "It's from the school if I damage it I'll have to buy it and, I don't want to own this book." she put the book into her basket, only to get a small shock form the basket. "sorry Jolty just let me put this book down" as she moved the book to the left and let the book fall. The small pokemon had been sleeping and now that he had been aroused there would be no way to return to dream land until later. The bug type crawled out of his cozy spot, over the side of the basket, down the basket, and on the blanket. He turned towed his owner and gave her the best puppy eyes he could mange without his ability being cute charm. The girl, who was also the Joltik's owner was not paying attention to said joltik. she was busy taking her sundress of, to reveal a green one peace swimsuit. She looked down at the tick "Do you want to come swimming Jolty? the water is going to be good!" the bug quickly shuck his head. he could swim, but the water would make his fur wet, and hard for hi to move, baths were bad enough, but the ocean, no just no. "Suit yourself" she girl chirped, then she ran to ocean and dived in.


    The Shellos had climbed up onto a rock, she knew this rock very well, as she had climbed on it many times. Form here, she watched the girl's outburst, and her changing then running in to the ocean. She seemed to be talking to someone or thing. She may have a pokemon! and she may be able to talk it it! If there was no Pokemon then, the girl was crazy, and she sould run. The girl could leave at any time, and she would lose her change. Her route would take a long time to get back to the girl's blanket, and any thing that may be there. she could go straight there from here, but that would be breaking her route, Would that be a bad thing? carefully she slowly took her first step. Nothing happened. The sky didn't fall, she didn't faint, meteors didn't fall from the sky. a wave crashed in the ocean. She continued with newly found confidence. as she approached the blanket.


    The Joltik looked up from his snack, a AA battery, his owner carried them around for treats for him, she was busy so he helped him self. This was a pokemon approaching him, a Shellos as they were called. The pokemon came over to him, as It opened it's mouth " Is that girl a trainer? Is she nice? Does she evolve her pokemon? does she catch new pokemon? Does she eat cake? the Shellos had asked theses question in rapid fire. The Joltik had trouble keeping up. "stop, stop" was his reply, yes she is my trainer, she is nice, She does plan to evolve me, but we haven't gotten to doing it yet, she is looking for new pokemon, and she likes cake, why? The Shellos said nothing, she was to busy grinning to reply.


    When the girl was done with her swim she found a Shellos, waiting on her blanket.
    Last edited by Joltik; 26th March 2012 at 02:58 PM.

  2. #2
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: In my way

    Oh boy, this is from March D:

    I don't normally do short fics, but since you've been waiting so long and posted in the story chat thread, I'll claim this. You may have to wait a couple of days since it's my last week of uni, but a grade should be up very shortly.
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
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  3. #3
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: In my way

    In My Way Grade

    Sorry you had to wait so long for a grade. My grades are usually longer, but I tried to tone it down as much as I could since this is a Simple rank story. Some of the info is just for next time.

    @Joltik

    ---

    Intro: Okay, the story starts out with an introduction of the setting, which is apparently a beach in Sinnoh on a nice day. That's a good way to start out a story in the lower ranks, since it's good to establish where the story is taking place. I got a general beautiful day mood from the intro, and I think that was exactly what you were going for.

    You also introduce one of the main characters here, being the young girl. I definitely wish I was napping on the beach right now.

    Overall, this works for Simple rank.

    If you write for higher ranks in the future, it might be beneficial to start fics off with some sort of action or surprising event. For example, you could've started the story with the girl waking up suddenly to something poking her side. That could've added a hint of suspense if the girl didn't know what was going on. Just something to keep in mind for future fics.

    Plot: The plot is fairly simple here, which makes sense according to the story rank. What I liked about it was how the two main character's agendas came together. The girl's goal was to have a nice day out while finishing up her school reading, and the Shellos wanted to continue her routine yet hopefully find a Trainer so she could evolve. I liked that you included both of their point of views.

    I liked how there were little quirks in it that made the story more interesting, like how Shellos contemplated what changing her routine would be like and what her sister had done. It gave Shellos more depth as a character, which isn't seen much in the lower rank stories, so good job there.

    For Simple rank, this worked out pretty well. You had what you needed to, and you did it without a battle. That's okay! There doesn't always have to be a battle in a story, and some fics would be too awkward with one inserted. I think your story's mood of a calm, relaxing day would've been upset by a battle thrown in, so I'm really glad you decided not to have one.

    If (when, hopefully XD) you write more stories, if you want some areas to expand plot, you could've maybe ventured further into why the girl chose this beach. Was it a favorite family spot? Did she hear something interesting was going to happen there? Was it her goal to hit every beach that spring/summer?

    Alternatively, there could be an instance where the girl helped out the Shellos or something, like if it was getting attacked by a Wingull. Maybe the Shellos could've been even more impressed with the Trainer by seeing her battle skills or how she got along with her Joltik. These are specific to your story, but they would work in any fic really.

    Detail/Description: For Simple I think you had enough detail for what was needed. I always knew what the characters were doing and how they were doing them. I especially liked the beginning setting (like I mentioned above), and I thought you described the Shellos very well too (blue ones are my favorite).

    The small details were also very cool. I like your improvisation with Of Mice and Men. Changing up titles and common names like that is always one of my favorite things to see, since that would make sense in a Pokemon world. I also liked the idea of letting Joltik chew on a battery. I hadn't thought about that before, but that would provide some electricity for it. Nice work.

    For next time, I think that you could perhaps incorporate more of the senses. What did the sand feel like under her skin? She could hear the waves, but did she breathe in that sea-scented air? What pattern was on the blanket? Little things like that really add some flavor to the story, and usually the small details are the most interesting, like if your character had a mole on her cheek or something.

    That is another area to focus on: the main character. Did she have a name? Was she young or older? Not all characters have to be named, but it's generally a good thing to know what the character looks like. What color was her hair? Was her skin pale from being stuck indoors or was it tanned from hours spent in the sun? You did say she was wearing a sundress and then a green swim suit, but that wasn't until later on. Even just a few small words can really help the readers paint that picture in their mind better.

    Grammar/Mechanics: On the whole the grammar was okay. There were a few areas where it started to get a little shaky, but I'm going to point out a few key things that are important for the next fic.

    The first, and probably easiest, is the use of its and it's. I saw this come up a bit in your story. It's is a contraction for it is. Its is the possessive form of it. If any time you're unsure if “it's” is the right word to use, just read the line with “it is” instead, and if that makes sense, you're good to go.

    The next thing is dialogue tags. Don't worry about not getting this one, since a lot of people don't XD In general, if you include a dialogue tag after a piece of speech, here is a comma and the words after aren't capitalized unless it's a proper noun. For example, this:
    "Suit yourself" the girl chirped...
    -should really read like this: “Suit yourself,” the girl chirped. It didn't come up very often in your story since you didn't have a lot of speech, but it's something to keep in mind if you write a story with more talking in it.

    There were also a few run-on and fragment sentences, so be careful of those. Each sentence should have a subject (noun) and a predicate (verb). If you're not sure if connecting a sentence works, it's usually safer to split it up. Just be sure to read through the story carefully when you proofread, or better yet, ask a friend!

    It can be difficult to proofread your own work, and a second pair of eyes never hurts to catch errors. This way the easy mistakes can be avoided, like using the wrong word (accent instead of accident) or misspelling something (wast instead of what) on accident. There were a couple places this happened, along with forgetting to capitalize the beginning of some sentences. Thankfully these things are very easily fixed. Just be sure to go over your work carefully ^^

    Length: I counted 6,468, which sits nicely in between the recommended target characters. Good to go.

    Reality/Miscellaneous: There wasn't really anything out of place or questionable, so you're good to go here too. The only thing I really have to mention is that Trainer and Pokemon (both titles) are generally capitalized, as well as the name of specific Pokemon. That isn't too important, but I wanted to mention it just in case you didn't know. You did capitalize most of the individual Pokemon names, so I think you just missed a few on accident.

    Result:
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
    I quickly slammed the palm of my hand onto a butt
    Ranger | Grader | Ref | Curator
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