my newer story (grade me!)

Results 1 to 3 of 3
Like Tree1Likes
  • 1 Post By Alaskapigeon

Thread: my newer story (grade me!)

  1. #1
    fight me in the urpg! sir.noodles's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    the land of awesomness.
    Posts
    59

    Wink my newer story (grade me!)

    my last story was a miserable fail. i hope this one will work better

    Chapter 1

    Ever since I can remember, I’ve been planning for this day. I’ve been researching every bit of info I could get my hands on about squirtle, as he was my favorite starter where I come from, which is Kanto.
    My alarm went off loudly. I got up different then I usually do. I usually get up slowly, half asleep. But today is a special day. It’s the day I get to have my starter. I jumped off my bed, and, rather quickly, turned my alarm off.
    “Today’s the day” I say as I stretch. “I finally get to have a squirtle!”
    I, quicker than ever, change my clothes and try to speed out the door, where my mom stops me.
    “Hi honey!” my mom said lovingly. “That’s the fastest you’ve come down!”
    “Yeah, mom. I know… I’m in a hurry to get to oak’s house.”
    “Whoa… that’s an hour away, honey. Here, have some breakfast.” she said as she handed me a few waffles, with my favorite syrup on them.
    “Thanks, mom.” I said.
    “Which Pokémon are you going to catch first?”
    “I’m hoping for a pidgey. They’re kind of cute.”
    “I would catch a nidoran, they’re pretty tough.”
    “No, mom, look, to catch Pokémon, you need to weaken them. But if the nidoran’s too strong for me to weaken…”
    “Oh okay… so… never mind”
    My mom walks away, slightly confused as I take my first bite of the waffles.

    It was 8:30. Time for me to head outside.
    “Good luck, sir.noodles!” my mom shouted from the living room.
    Sir.Noodles has been my nickname since I was 5. I got it by eating so many noodles at the cafeteria that the lunch ladies ran out. But I couldn’t help it, I love noodles.
    “Don’t worry mom, I’ll be fine!” I shouted back.
    “That’s what they all say” she muttered to herself.
    I walked out of my house excitedly, walking next to the tall grass. I thought I could see a pidgey, but it was so well hidden in there, I lost it.
    “There it is” I said looking at the big house. “Oak’s house”.
    I stepped inside, and there he was at the other side of the room professor oak himself.
    “You must be sir.noodles.” he said to me.
    “Yep!” I said excitedly “now do I get my starter!?”
    “Now, hold on” he said “I’m waiting for my grandson…”
    “Ugh. No that twerp… he’s just… annoying”
    I thought back to my younger years. The times that he was so boastful, and that he was constantly calling me sir.poodles. I thought that was pretty mean. It sounded like I was I total woos, but I’m not. I’m very very very tough.
    “Hey, gramps. Oh, and sir.poodles. Why is he here, gramps?”
    “He’s getting his first Pokémon…”
    “Ha! He’s too weak. Especially because you have poodles in your name.
    “But you named me tha-”
    “Whatever. Look, I’ll come back later once we evacuate the building of all weenies”
    I looked angrily at him as he left. “That guys a turd, professor. He’s a really big turd.”

    “Now, are you finally rea-“
    “SQUIRTLE!!!!” I yelled, interrupting him.
    “Whoa… okay… Here you go…” he said as he handed me a pokeball from the table of 3 pokeballs.
    “This is him. Your squirtle you’ve been wanting for so long”
    “Finally” I said in excitement “I finally get him…”
    “Now remember to take care of him and make sure he likes you!” he said as I left through the door.
    “Thank you!” I shouted right before the door closed. I try my best to use good manners every day, every circumstance.

    “Now, let’s see what you can do”
    I was in my room setting up my pillow against a chair.
    “Go, squirtle!” I said as I held the ball.
    Just as expected, squirtle popped out of the ball.
    “Squir-squirtle”
    “Squirtle, use tackle!” I said pointing at the pillow
    Squirtle launched himself right into the pillow, knocking it over, and wobbling the chair a little bit.
    “Good job!” I said, knowing that squirtle was rather new, and he needed to be trained to get stronger.
    “Squirtle!” he said.
    I set up some books propped up against my bookshelf.
    “Squirtle, use bubble, and hit all the books!” I told him.
    “Squirtle!” he said determined.
    Bubbles shot down most of the 10 books. 3 of them were still standing, but at least he hit them. Granted the fact that he’s new, and he was rather far from the books, he did a pretty good job, I thought.
    “And now, for the final test” I said, grabbing a bunch of boxes of all kinds. Shoeboxes, art boxes, cardboard boxes, all stacked up into one big tower.
    “Squirtle, use tackle again!”
    He, once again, launched himself into the tower, knocking down all of it.
    “Good job squirtle” I said. You’re better than I thought you would be. Now do you want to catch that pidgey?”
    “Squirtle! Squirtle!” he chanted. I was guessing that meant “let’s go, let’s go” or something like that.

    We got outside right when Joe, my rival stepped out of oak’s lab.
    “Looks like they got rid of a giant weenie in there. Oh wait! That was you!! Ha ha ha ha! C’mon sir.poodles, let’s battle.
    “Whatever,” I said. “Go squirtle!”
    Squirtle came out of the ball
    “Squirtle!”
    “Go, charmander!”
    “What!? Dude, there’s a huge type disadvantage!” I told him right before he sent out his charmander
    “Whatever. It’s not like it’s going to matter. You’re a woos, so, by default, your squirtle is a woos.”
    “THAT’S NOT TRUE!!!” I yelled.
    “Yes it is! Everyone knows it’s true”
    “grr… squirtle, use bubble! Before I clobber this guy” I said through my teeth.
    It hit charmander successfully, hurting him really bad.
    “Charmander use tackle!”
    Charmander hit my squirtle, but not very hardly. Squirtle got up, looking angry.
    “Squirtle, use bubble, again!”
    “It hit charmander again, leaving him rather weak,”
    “Ch-charmander?” charmander said weakly.
    “Don’t worry, charmander, just keep using tackle.”
    Squirtle dodged the attack
    “Squirtle!”
    “Squirtle, use bubble!” I said proud fully to him.
    Squirtle hit charmander again, making charmander fall over. Charmander got up slowly and weakly.
    “Charmander, use tackle, again…” Joe said worryingly.
    Squirtle tried to dodge it, but he failed. Charmander landed right on top of him.
    “Don’t worry squirtle! Use bubble!”
    Squirtle shot the charmander off of him.
    “Squir-squirtle!”
    The charmander fell to the floor, fainted.
    “No! This can’t be happening!” Joe said angrily
    “Who’s the woos now? I said, walking away.

    “Good job squirtle! You showed that meanie whose boss!”
    “Squirtle!” he said proudly.
    “Now we’re going to need to go to the poke center. You need to be in top shape for when we catch that pidgey.”
    “Hello” the lady said “do you want to heal your Pokémon?”
    “Yeah!” I said returning squirtle to his ball. “We just got back from a battle.”
    “Oh, how exciting! Did you win?”
    “Yes, but only because there was a huge type advantage on our time” I said handing her the ball. “The enemy had a charmander”
    “Oh, good job though!
    She placed the ball into the machine, waited a few seconds. “Here you go; your squirtle is fighting fit!”
    “Thanks!” I said, once again, using my manners.
    “Now, let’s go get us that pidgey!”

    We walked out heading towards the tall grass.
    “Are you ready?” I asked squirtle. “Squirtle!” he said once again in determination.
    “Alright!” I said as we stepped into the tall grass.
    We walked around a bit, and there it was. The pidgey we were looking for.
    “There you are!” I said. “Squirtle, use bubble!”
    Squirtle, as told, used bubble, and hit the pidgey.
    “Good one squir-”
    Pidgey already used tackle on him. “Pi-pidgey!”
    “Squirtle, use bubble again!”
    Squirtle hit the pidgey again with bubble. “squirtle!”
    The pidgey, starting to seem weak, jumped right back up, and tried to tackle my squirtle. Fortunately, my squirtle dodged the attack.
    “squirtle, tackle that pidgey!” I said.
    “squirtle!” he said when he tried to tackle the pidgey, but the pidgey dodged it at the last moment.
    “Pidgey!” it said, right when it talked my squirtle.
    “squirtle don’t give up, tackle the pidgey!”
    Squirtle tackled the pidgey successfully.
    “pi-pi-pidgey?” it said weakly, as it tried to tackle my squirtle again. They both seemed very weak.
    “now’s my chance!” I said. I threw my 1st out of 3 pokeball at it…

    will i catch it? you need to grade me

    stuff for graders:

    im trying to catch a pidgey.
    the amount of characters in this is: 7834, not including the stuff above the actual story and bellow it.
    the minimum amount of characters required for a story for a pidgey is 5,000 to 10,000.


    if you want to, you can reply to my story. go ahead, tell me your honest opinion.
    Last edited by sir.noodles; 14th May 2012 at 05:42 PM.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Santa Barbara, California
    Posts
    2,730

    Default Re: my newer story (grade me!)

    Claiming, I know I remember how to do this... Probably...
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Santa Barbara, California
    Posts
    2,730

    Default Re: my newer story (grade me!)

    Intro/Plot/Characters:

    Let's start off with your intro. There isn't much of one. A few sentences of some exposition and the character's mom talking to him and giving him waffles. You're writing a story for Pokemon fans, they know your character is going to be excited that he's getting a Pokemon. They already know that feeling, they've probably experienced something close to it, and it's something that's been revisited so many times, just stating it isn't interesting. Your introduction is the first thing about your story the reader sees, so you want to open with a hook, something that draws them in. It should also establish the characters and perhaps even give the reader an idea of the plot, which yours does just fine. You just need to add some more to it, perhaps give the character a specific reason why he's so excited. Tell us his thoughts.

    The plot is also pretty simple. It's more or less the same as the first episode of the anime, with some (much appreciated) humor thrown in. The humor is good, the same old take on the same old plot... not so much. A trainer getting their first Pokemon and catching another is by no means a bad plot. It's a cliche, but cliches are overused for a reason and if you're a good enough writer you can capture the reader's interest anyways. However, your story is very low on action. Even the battle scene seems to be low tension, because you've got the type advantage and the reader knows what's going to happen. One interesting thing I did pull away from this is how your main character trained his Squirtle. It's never really explained in canon how young Pokemon are trained. In the game you fight other Pokemon, but there must be another way, right? Well, this is it, and that part was cool. Unfortunately the rest of the plot was simple to the point that it could've been told in a few sentences rather than in 5000 characters.

    Your characters are one of the highlights of your stories. I'm assuming the main character and his rival are young kids and they definitely act like it, using kiddy insults and having a small rivalry. They have the emotions and thoughts of young kids, so it fits. The Professor and Squirtle are unfleshed, which is too bad because Squirtle is sort of an important character. I think the mother is my favorite. She has a loose understanding of Pokemon, but not enough to be helpful. She's got a bit more personality than the other characters, and I like that. You could still use some improvement in this section, but I've got to say it's one of the strongest.

    Grammar:

    Ever since I can remember, I’ve been planning for this day. I’ve been researching every bit of info I could get my hands on about squirtle, as he was my favorite starter where I come from, which is Kanto.
    My alarm went off loudly. I got up different then I usually do. I usually get up slowly, half asleep. But today is a special day.
    Right from the start I can see a couple problems. First of all, you go from present tense to past tense to present tense. You've got to pick one and stick with it throughout the story. Also, in general, most people find it easiest to write in past tense. Pretend you're telling the story out loud. You wouldn't talk about it like it was happening, you'd say things like "That day was a special day", not "Today was a special day". Also, you should capitalize the names of Pokemon. Squirtle, Pikachu, Pidgey, whatever. They're names, not just labels for species.

    “Today’s the day” I say
    You need to add a comma after 'day' to link the dialogue to the dialogue tag. What's a dialogue tag? Well, any form of 'said', 'yelled', 'whispered', etc. Basically, words that describe how something was said.

    “Yeah, mom. I know…
    'Mom' should be capitalized, since it's being used as her name.

    Good luck, sir.noodles!
    Your own name should also be capitalized, since all names are.

    It sounded like I was I total woos, but I’m not.
    I think that word is 'wuss'.

    That guys a turd
    'Guys' should be 'Guy's' since it's a contraction. Your meaning is that he is a turd, so you need the apostrophe.

    squirtle, use bubble!
    The names of moves are also capitalized.

    Details: This section is the weakest in your story, as there's really no description. I don't know anything about what the characters or Pokemon look like. I don't know what the protagonist's house looks like either, or the Professor's lab, or any of Pallet Town. Heck, I don't even know for sure it's Pallet Town, I'm just assuming. The moves in the battle aren't described and neither are the training sections. Without detail, your story is basically a script or an outline. It's bones and possibly organs with no flesh to hold it in. If you want to become a better writer, you need to learn to effectively use detail. What color is the main character's hair, how is he dressed, what does his world look like? For all I know he has a shiny Squirtle, because you didn't tell me. So, yeah, this is the area where you need the most improvement.

    Length: The story is long enough, so you're good here.

    Outcome: While your story has it's good points, the plot is very simple and you have no detail. The lack of any detail hurts you the most and I don't feel that I can give you your Pokemon.

    Pidgey... not captured.

    If you'd like to capture Pidgey, add in some detail and fix up your grammar mistakes, then contact me for a regrade.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •