For My Little Girl

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Thread: For My Little Girl

  1. #1
    Failing at Funny since 96 Nightsky Eyes's Avatar
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    Default For My Little Girl

    For My Little Girl

    (I know it is a little short, only making 4,703 characters without spaces, but with spaces it reaches 5,727 characters. I hope the quality (or what I think is quality) makes up for the lack of characters)

    Embers flickered into the atmosphere from the blazing forest beyond. Fire fighters sprayed their hoses at the flames whilst their pet Squirtles assisted them. I walk towards the natural battlefield, with my Squirtle’s Poke’ball at hand, ready to win this horrific battle.

    I quivered with fear as the heat heaves at my nerves. Pictures of my beautiful wife and my children flashed into my head. What were they to do if they lost me? I wasn’t ready to die. I won’t lose this battle.

    A tear drop rolled down my face as I readied my own hose, and sent my Squirtle from its Poke’ball. The cute turtle Poke’mon looked up with me with its terrified eyes, and then seemed to nod. Water sprayed from its gaping mouth onto the scorching flames beyond me. I gripped onto my hose, fighting back the tears, as the water sprayed helplessly at the growing fire.

    I struggled to breathe. I gasped for air but only a slight amount would slip through to my lungs. The blaze was strangling the air of its freedom. I didn’t give up, though. This was a battle with great consequences if victory was not present.

    A big burst of flame erupted from the treetops, the sheer force flailing the fire fighters and the Squirtles. My hand reached for my Squirtle, and I caught it mid-air. I wrapped my arms around it tightly as I lay down on the earth beneath me. All I see is getting blurry. The flame is just a blur mixed within the perishing forest now. I close my eyes.

    ~


    ‘But dad, I’ve always wanted a horse!’ Stephanie echoes at me. I look at my former self and my beautiful child arguing. I wish I could change the past.

    ‘But darling, Ponyta and Rapidash create bushfires. They’re dangerous,’ my former self tried to explain, with failure.

    ‘Dad! Please!’ Stephanie begged, falling to her hands and her knees in desperation. My former self sighed.

    ‘Alright, alright. We don’t even have anywhere to keep it, though.’ I explained, and Stephanie pulled herself upright.

    ‘That’s okay, Ponyta can stay in the forest nearby,’ Stephanie reasoned, and my former self nodded. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Such a creative imagination Stephanie had, though she meant no harm. She never meant to hurt anyone.

    It had been the next day I bought a baby Ponyta from a salesman. He seemed like a nice man, wearing a harmless smile everywhere he went. ‘It’s cheap too, only $1,000,’ he had reasoned. I had taken the deal, and bought my little girl her Ponyta.

    As Stephanie planned, the Ponyta stayed in the forest. My beautiful little girl would travel out every day to that forest, to play with her first Poke’mon. She’d come back every afternoon wearing her cheeky grin, and being happier than she ever had been. Her happiness led to my happiness, as I’d ask her how much fun she had every time.

    Those times are gone now...


    ~


    ‘Wake up, man. The fire isn’t getting any smaller with you sleeping,’ a voice informed me, shaking me frantically. He offered out a hand, and I placed my hand in his. He pulled me upright, and I stood before the smaller bushfire. ‘Now, no dozing off. We have a battle to win.’
    I nodded. I picked up my nose and clutched onto the nuzzle, spraying water at the remaining bursts of the blaze, until all that remained was a smoky atmosphere and the ashes of a previously beautiful forest.

    I slumped down beside the tree, exhausted. My Squirtle ran into my lap and curled up into a deep sleep. ‘Yes, that was a tough one, wasn’t it Squirtle?’ I smiled, returning the Squirtle into his Poke’ball. A deep sigh slipped from my mouth.

    People began to shout my name, and I lifted my slouched head. ‘Henry, get over here! It’s urgent!’ I dug my fingernails into the tree and clawed myself upright, stumbling around deeper into the strangling smoke and ashes.

    Silhouettes of people crowding something blurred into my sight, and before I knew it, I saw my little girl wrapped in blankets and coughing her heart out. My struggling stumble formed into a jog, and I wrapped my arms around Stephanie, holding her close to me. She coughed into my chest as teardrops streamed from my eyes.

    ‘What were you doing here?’ I asked her in trembling fear. She coughed into my chest again.

    ‘My Ponyta and another Poke’mon were fighting... Ponyta collapsed into a tree and started a...’ she was interrupted by a series of hacking coughs, and I rubbed my little girl’s back.

    ‘It’s okay, it’s alright. Daddy will get you home. You’re safe now...’

    ‘Daddy, can you... can you check on Ponyta and the other Poke’mon? For me?’ Stephanie managed to sprawl. I nodded, and continued to comfort her.

    ‘For you,’ I spoke, before she collapsed into a sleep in my arms. Tears drained from my eyes, rolled into her smoggy hair before I passed her on to the paramedics. They informed me she would be fine, and I nodded with every fabric of hope I had remaining.

    I walked deeper into the smoke and ashes, to see an exhausted Ponyta collapsed by the tree. I threw its Poke’ball at it, returning it to its home away from home. ‘You’ll be okay, Ponyta. Everyone will be okay,’ I murmured into the sealed Poke’ball, before tucking it into my pocket. Then I peeled my eyes open to catch a silhouette of the Poke’mon my beautiful daughter had informed me about.

    After minutes of searching I finally caught sight of a deep silhouette, scrawled into the blinding smoke. I jogged towards it to see an exhausted Magby lying down in the open fields. I smiled at the Poke’mon, both in hope and fear. I withdrew an empty Poke’ball from my pockets, and clutched it tightly.

    ‘Here goes nothing, then...’ I murmured to myself, thinking of what my daughter would want. Then I tossed the empty Poke’ball at Magby, a blue light consuming it. Then the Poke’ball hit the earth below, awaiting capture.
    Last edited by Nightsky Eyes; 24th June 2011 at 06:19 PM.

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: For My Little Girl

    Plot/Introduction:

    Introduction ~ Your introduction is pretty good. It’s full of emotion and gives the reader a clear picture of what the story is about. The two black spots on your introduction was that you never fully described how the fire looked or what the main character looked like.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Embers flickered into the atmosphere from the blazing forest beyond. Fire fighters sprayed their hoses at the flames whilst their pet Squirtles assisted them. I walk towards the natural battlefield, with my Squirtle’s Poke’ball at hand, ready to win this horrific battle.
    This right here is fine for a Pokemon of this stage. But you are going to have to step it up a notch when you go for harder captures.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    The orange glow of embers flickered into the atmosphere from the blazing forest fire beyond. The yellow ochre suits of the fire fighters set them apart from the red of the fire. The long snake-like hoses of my comrades were aimed at the inferno and spewing clear, cold water in a clash of heat and cold. The traditional partner of the fire fighter, Squirtle, was also with the fire warriors as the Pokemon jetted water at the scorching flames. I walk towards the natural battlefield with my Squirtle’s red and white Pokeball clutched in my thick gloves. We were ready to win this horrific fight.
    What you want to do is create a vivid scene that draws the reader in like a hook to capture their interest. You did fine by using emotion as a hook, but by using both emotion and description your story will be that much better.


    Plot ~ One of the best I’ve seen for a Pokemon of this rank. You using the forest fire as the focal point of the story was interesting and not something I usually see. Usually a story of this rank consists of a person walking somewhere and just randomly finding a Pokemon and battling. Yours was a breath of fresh air so kudos to you. Another thing I liked was that you set up the cause of the fire early on by having the father tell his daughter about the risk of forest fires from fire Pokemon. Finally, I liked how you didn’t include a battle scene. By not having a battle scene you kept the flow of the work consistent and focused on the emotion aspect. This also reminds me of a anime show when Ash gets his squirtle :P


    Grammar: You did good here.

    Detail: Meh, you did okay for this area, but you could have been better. My quote above can help illustrate my purpose. When writing you’ll want to describe Pokemon, Pokemon Attacks, characters, environment, senses and emotions. You did good on the latter portions but you really needed to describe the humans as it left a blank spot in the story.


    Length: We included the spaces so you passed the minimum.


    Overall: A solid and well executed story. Captured. You did really here in most departments. The one problem you’ll need to work on is the addition of details. Pokemon, characters, and Pokemon attacks are very important, be sure to describe them fully and to the best of your ability. Good job, enjoy the mon, and have fun with your future attempts.

    @Nightsky Eyes
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 7th July 2011 at 06:24 PM.
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