Thread: The Murderer of the Moors [SWC]

Pokémon being caught: Caterpie.

CC: 4,350 (approx)

As I gazed at the figure on the ground I couldn’t quite believe my eyes. I had never expected such a creature to be able to cause such a wound. To be fair, neither had I thought that I would ever see my partner on the floor, killed by what was basically an insect bite. Today was a strange day and could well be my last.

First there had been the explosion at the nuclear plant. Radiation had been chucked into the atmosphere for miles, we had been lucky to escape it. But the Pokémon seemed to have been affected by it. First a small boat had been sunk in Lake Dilatia by a giant Magikarp, then a herd of mutated Magnemite had caused powercuts all over Havano City. Now we had the Murderer of the Moors.

I was a Police Officer, sent out here to find a murderer. He had killed numerous Pokémon before this day, but, yesterday, he had killed a tourist couple. When we found them, their faces were lacerated and their eyes had been eaten. I had been sent out, along with a partner, to find this mystery murderer. We had started in the woods where the tourists had been killed and stumbled into a hollow. We had seen the Caterpie wriggling on the floor, displaying its green back to us. Something in its round, black, eyes told me that it was looking for trouble. My partner didn’t see this in the small Pokémon. He was wearing the same black leather jacket that he had worn for ten years in the force.

“Look at this Caterpie, boss,” he said, looking up at me. He was a short man, reaching just short of 5’7”. This was often a cause of teasing and some of the other officers sometimes even ruffled his brown hair, which he took much care of.

“I don’t like the look of him,” I replied. “He looks too…calm.”

“What nonsense!” he bawled. “It’s a Caterpie, not an axe-murderer.” With that he knelt down, gently cooing to the Pokémon. Caterpie raised its head, revealing its yellow underside. There was a red patch on it.

“Jack, get away from that Caterpie now!” I shouted at him. He turned around at me.

“Don’t worry, Harry, it’s just a-” He was cut off as the Bug-type jumped into the air, latching its teeth into his neck. Jack stood up and stumbled about, blood spurting from his neck. He fell to the floor, his face turning pale.


I returned to the present. I could die here if I didn't do something. Caterpie unhinged its jaws and let the blood fall freely onto the dusty floor. As it withdrew its pincers I gasped in shock. Caterpie's teeth were about 2 inches long. A rancid smell rose up from Jack's body. It was Arbok venom. That's how Caterpie had killed all of those people. I looked up at the blue sky. Was this the end? Would I die in this woody thicket, with brown autumn leaves scattered all over the floor. I felt in my pocket, rummaging around desperately as the Caterpie prepared to jump. I found what I was looking for and pulled out a Poké Ball from my pocket. I threw it into the air.

“Pidgeot, go!” The Pokémon released itself from its plasma state and flew into the air, his crest flying behind him. Pidgeot didn’t look like a strong Pokémon and, indeed, it was easily defeated, but it had a type advantage against the Bug-type Caterpie. It flew a circuit around the clearing, boasting its fine brown body and cream underside. “This Caterpie’s pretty tough. I don’t want to take any chances, use Brave Bird and blast it away!” I commanded.

Pidgeot flew high into the sky and Caterpie watched patiently. As the bird-like Pokémon reached the peak of its flight it burst into flame. Pidgeot plummeted towards Caterpie, his plumage burning with a radiant flame. As Pidgeot approached Caterpie jumped out of the way the instant before the attack hit, sending Pidgeot crashing into the ground. A dust cloud rose from the site of the collision and I saw Pidgeot lying on the floor, his red and yellow crest splayed over his beak.

“Don’t worry, Pidgeot. get up and use Aerial Ace. Caterpie can’t dodge that. you’ll be fine!” I promised my Pokémon. Pidgeot looked hurt but this attack would be enough to weaken Caterpie a lot. Pidgeot raced through the air, his feathers flattened out by the speed at which he was travelling. Caterpie jumped into the air, flying towards Pidgeot with great power. The Tackle attack collided with Aerial Ace midair and Pidgeot was flung back into a tree. What was this nonsense? How could a Pokémon as small as Caterpie be this powerful? It was certain now that Pidgeot couldn’t face Caterpie in direct contact. We had to beat him from a distance.

I told Pidgeot to use Hurricane. Hurricane was one of his most powerful moves and it might be able to beat Caterpie in one hit. Pidgeot flapped its wings violently and let out a huge storm of wind. Caterpie could not avoid this attack, and was flung towards one of the trees. As he passed it, Caterpie let loose a strong web that clung to the tree. The tall oak bent under the force of the Hurricane, but Caterpie held on, tethered by his String Shot. Pidgeot could not keep up the storm for much longer and his wings slowed down, eventually stopping and coming to rest on the floor. Caterpie leapt into the air, his blood-stained fangs glowing. He dived into Pidgeot’s throat, slashing a huge gash in his cream-coloured plumage. Blood spurted out and was immediately soaked up by the dusty soil.

Pidgeot fell to the ground, dead. How was this possible? First my partner, now my Pidgeot had been killed by this evil creature. The Caterpie turned to face me, blood dripping from its evil blood-stained maw. I felt in my pocket, looking for my last hope. Caterpie jumped for the kill and I pulled out my revolver. The small but deadly Pokémon landed on the gun, its teeth latching on for the second before it realised its mistake. At this moment I took my chance. I hooked my finger around the cold metal trigger and pulled.

BANG!

The bullet ripped Caterpie apart, almost vaporising the small creature. A few chunks of smoking flesh were all that was left of the Murderer of the Moors.

Claimed as my first grade ever! It will be up as soon as possible.

Introduction: Your introduction was a nice read, and it was probably my favorite part of the story. I’ll go into my four W’s (I usually don’t include the ‘Why’) to better explain my viewpoint on this.

What: Two cops come up to a moor in search of a serial murderer. For a URPG story, particularly for a pokemon of this ranking, it was a breath of fresh air. Instead of a typical story of people just searching for a random pokemon on their quest to be stronger, you made it a murder mystery, and an intense one at that. I’ll go more into depth underneath the plot section, as I feel my replies best fit under there.

Who: We’re introduced to your main character, Harry, who is a police officer investigating a serial killer case. He also has his partner, Jack, who is coming with him. While you could have used some more description for your characters, it isn’t really necessary for a story of this calibur.

Where: The story takes place in a moor, starting in a cabin and eventually going to a hollow. Your setting was typical for a Caterpie, which is fine and actually preferred by me. Again, more description couldn’t have hurt, but you’re only writing for a Caterpie, so I can’t complain.

When: It takes place a few days after the death of some pokemon and a tourist couple. This doesn’t always apply to stories, and it didn’t to yours, so you won’t be graded upon it.

Plot: It took an unexpected turn for the sinister, to say the least. I thought it was interesting and gruesome at the same time which, again, was something that I haven’t seen in pokemon fiction that much.

I like that you didn’t go for the easy way out. Instead of going for a simple voyage to become stronger by gaining more pokemon, you made it something different entirely. It was very fun to read and definitely something above and beyond for a Caterpie.

A major surprise was that the Caterpie itself was the murderer. I never would have suspected that such a cute pokemon would be capable of killing those pokemon, much less the three humans that it did. However, I can’t really comprehend how the Caterpie was able to murder all these people. Sure, it could have sharp teeth, but even you were wondering how it could have been strong enough to take down full on humans. If you gave me a reason, even if it wasn’t exactly a flawless reason, I would have been able to understand the Caterpie’s motives, the reasoning behind its abnormal strengths, and many useful things regarding the Caterpie.

The overall setup of the story, starting in the present, returning in a flashback, eventually meeting up with the present, and finishing up as time progressed normally was enjoyable to read. I liked it more than the normal setup too, especially since this format has been used in classic murder mysteries, so it fit with the whole story nicely.

Climax: Intense, clever, and a nice read. Instead of a typical climax where the intended pokemon is being captured, you actually killed the pokemon. I actually liked it even if it means that your pokemon just died so it has no practical use. Nonetheless, you made it something that was fun to read, even though it was gruesome.

Though I’ve mentioned it in the plot section above, I was a tad confused about the Caterpie. How was it so strong? How was it able to take down a full grown man and a fully evolved pokemon if it’s one of the weakest pokemon in the franchise? Your character was even wondering the exact same question, so the readers were doing just the same. A simple explanation, no matter how thorough or descript, would have helped the reader out.

It was rather badass, though, that the Caterpie was able to do that. The even more badass part was Harry shooting the Caterpie. It was so unexpected that it was actually surprising. Honestly, I would think that whoever would pull a pistol on a Caterpie would be insane, but look where that got Jack? Anyway, you did a very nice job with this section.



Grammar/Conventions: Seeing as this is from a fellow grader, your grammar and conventions were usally spot on. There were very few errors that I found, but there was only one thing that I felt you could work on: comma placement. You did this fairly well in your story, but I spotted a few places where you used it incorrectly.

Almost always, you used your commas like you should have. However, you occasionally didn’t separate non-essential phrases with commas. This helps the reader separate what is the focus of the sentence and what is not. I’ll show you some examples:

He had killed numerous Pokémon before this day, but[,]* yesterday[,] he had killed a tourist couple. When we found them[,] their faces were lacerated and their eyes had been eaten.

The ones in brackets are the ones that I added. In these cases, ‘yesterday’ and ‘When we found them’ are the non-essential phrases. Distinguishing them is important, but it’s not necessarily something that a writer for an easiest ranked pokemon is expected to know.

*This additional comma is technically correct in its placement, but many people don’t often use it, so its not essential either. Just thought I would point that out.

Also, you occasionally posted commas in the wrong spots. While this was less frequent, I did spot it in the story. The same rule applies; you use the commas to set off the essential phrase from the non-essential phrases. In other words, dependent clauses from independent clauses. Independent clauses can stand on their own as a complete and correct sentence, while a dependent clause can not.

In the case above, you hadn’t placed the comma correctly to set off the dependent from the independent. However, in the case below, you used a comma to set off two independent clauses which, without being followed directly by a conjunction, isn’t correct.

“Don’t worry, Pidgeot, get up and use Aerial Ace, Caterpie can’t dodge that, you’ll be fine!” I promised my Pokémon.

This was your original statement. Now, I’ll show how it should be written:

“Don’t worry, Pidgeot. Get up and use Aerial Ace. Caterpie can’t dodge that. You’ll be fine!” I promised my Pokémon.

If the repeated short sentences are messing up the flow of the story, you can always do this:

“Don’t worry, Pidgeot. Get up and use Aerial Ace, for Caterpie can’t dodge that, so you’ll be fine!” I promised my Pokémon.

I’ve added in conjunctions, which connect the two clauses together, making a grammatically correct sentence.

Honestly, I’m just pointing these out since you knew most everything else you were doing in this story. You did a near flawless job with everything else, so I had to point out one of the few errors that I spotted. It could help a great writer become even better.

Length: The minimum for a Caterpie is 3,000 characters, and you were comfortably above it at about 4,350 characters, so you’ve got nothing to fear in this aspect. Nothing seemed to go on for too long, nor did anything feel forced, so 4,350 seemed just about perfect for your story.

Results:

You did a nice job with this story, so Caterpie is captured! You had a nice introduction, a cleverly thought out plot, and a unique climax. While there could have been a little more description, this is only a story for one of the easiest pokemon around, so it didn’t have to be essential. You did a great job with the grammar, but a little more proofreading would have added to the story even more. Overall, you made an interesting, fresh, and awesome story! Enjoy your new Caterpie, and good luck with the Summer Writiing Competition!