MT. Peace: The Rising

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    Default MT. Peace: The Rising

    Pokemon: Darumaka
    Character count: 12,072


    Mt. Peace: The Rising






    “C’mon Eric! Let’s hurry up before all the tour spots are filled up!” A voice was heard behind him. Eric turned around and saw a beautiful girl with blonde hair and freckles running towards him. She was wearing a pair of jean shorts and a tank top with a jacket over it.


    “Uh... Hey Genie! You ready to go for the tour?” Eric asked her awkwardly.


    “You bet I am! You know how long I’ve been waiting for this tour!” She yelled enthusiastically.


    “Well then... Let’s go inside,” Eric replied, and they both walked in to a large building with a sign that said, “Mt. Peace: Where miracles happen”. Eric read the sign and smirked. What kind of miracles could have happened on a dormant volcano? He thought to himself. The room they just walked into was loud and noisy, among them were hundreds of high school students, all yelling and chatting and laughing. Genie walked in and immediately run to her group of girlfriends. Eric being somewhat of a loner, just stood at the door way.


    “Eric! Why are you still over there? COME HEREEEEEEEEE,” Genie yelled across the room. Eric looked around the room to see if anyone heard her and slowly proceeded to walk towards her. He stood in the circle among Genies friends and they all stared at him. He was not the most attractive guy; he was a decent height and build, dark haired and had many freckles. He tried to mutter a greeting to the rest of the girls but it came out as gibberish. He was also not very good at interacting with the ladies.


    “So Eric, are you excited to go up to the volcano?” one of the girls asked. He stared at her for a few seconds before replying.


    “Well, not really… I’ve done a lot of research about this mountain and all the stories that people tell, they’re pretty much all fake. Do you really think that there was a once vicious Pokémon that lived on that mountain that brutally attacked Pokémon and injured them?” He said while looking around for a response. ”Yeah, didn’t think so. Then they decide to call it Mt. Peace trying to show that evil can be defeated and peace can resume in the world. It all seems like a bullshit story to make the world seem like not such a bad place” The girls all stared at him with confused expressions. It was clear none of them understood a thing he said. He was “too nerdy” for them in a sense, but he wasn’t ashamed. He’s proud of the knowledge he possess. The girls all began to talk amongst themselves and once again Eric was alone. He continued to stare around the room, waiting for someone to make an announcement so they can finally go through with the tour, until finally a tall woman with a megaphone began talking.


    “Hello students! And welcome to Mt. Peace! I hope you all enjoy yourselves on this trip! A few warnings before we start the tour please: Please do not interact with the Pokémon you might see. Some of the Pokémon in the mountain are still affected by the past and could cause physical or mental harm to any person that gets too close. Secondly, please stay close to your tour guide. They are experts and will provide you with any information you need and finally, please have a wonderful time!” She finished, and the students began applauding. Eric rolled his eyes and began waddling over to the line-up of students waiting for the tours to begin. He checked a list to find his name and find out who his tour guide was and on that same list he read the name “Genie Stewart”. “


    Looks like she’s on my tour group too... Great…” he muttered to himself. He walked over to the meeting location of his group and was greeted by a number of large glancing eyes. It turns out he has been checking the names for longer than he had expected and everyone was waiting on him.


    “So, we’re all here? Perfect!” The tour guide began. “My name is Spencer Inn and I will be your guide for today! If you have any questions at all, please just ask! And don’t forget the rules that your teacher explained earlier, especially the one about having fun!” He said happily, giving a wink to Genie, who giggled back.


    “Now, please all of you follow me!” Spencer said, as all the students began walking. They walked back outside and went through the massive gates leading up to the volcano. Around the gates they had multiple signs that read “Do not interact with the Pokémon!”



    “They must be really serious about this whole thing,” Eric whispered to himself. After walking through the gates, the tour has officially begun. The tour guide was blabbing about the “history” of the volcano. What the history books have said mostly. Eric was not listening completely. His mind was on other things. After fifteen minutes of walking, he was just bored shitless. He should have stayed home… But then, Eric noticed something in the side of his peripheral vision. It was a Pokémon! A cute little sandshrew was hanging out on the side of the mountain just a few feet away from him. He walked up to the sandshrew and begins staring at it. He gave a partway smile and was about to touch it until he heard someone yelling.


    “DO NOT INTERACT WITH THE POKEMON!” A voice yelled. Eric turned out frightened and was greeted again by the awkward glances of the rest of his schoolmates, and at the end was the angry stare of the tour guide.


    “We have expressed this rule many, MANY, times, please do your best to oblige or we will remove you from the tour and you can return to your school bus until the tour is over” The tour guide said in a snotty manner.
    Eric stood there in silence and took this remark. He was thinking that it’d probably be a good thing He’d rather wait on the bus than be on this stupid volcano. And so, the tour resumed. The tour guide continuing his rapid amount of “facts” and bullshit and Eric continued to zone out everything around him.


    “Eric, are you okay?” A voice whispered to him. “Uh… Eric? ERIC?”


    That caught his attention, he looked around for who was calling his name and it was Genie! She seemed to have noticed him drifting from existence.


    “Oh… yeah, I’m fine. Just a little bored. There’s only so much you can know about a mountain eh?” Eric replied and Genie giggled.


    “Well... We can always take a detour if you want. There are too many people here for him to realize that two people are missing,” Genie said, and then Eric looked around. It was true, there were over 40 students on this tour and we were close to the back of the group.


    “Uh… What did you have in mind?” Eric asked.


    “I don’t know! Let’s just adventure!” Genie replied.


    “I don’t think it’s a good idea…” he said and Genie looked annoyed
    with him.


    “Look, there’s a fork coming up ahead. We’re going to wait till they go one way and we’ll go the other way. Deal?” She said and Eric nodded, he was curious to see where this goes. As the group came closer to the fork in the road, Eric and Genie slowed down, until finally the group took the fork left and Eric and Genie ran across and went right.


    “Now what?” Eric asked staring at Genie and she smiled and began skipping across the terrain. So, he followed. They didn’t talk or barely even interact with the exception of a few awkward glances at each other until finally they heard screaming. They started running forward until they came about a large dark cave. Genie walked up to it and Eric came up next to her.


    “What do you think is in there!?” Genie asked excitedly.


    “Nothing good in my opinion…” Eric replied. Genie took his response
    as an invitation to run inside.


    “Uh... Genie, I don’t think that’s a good idea!” He yelled into the cave. He heard no response. He slowly began edging himself into this dark cave.


    As Eric continued to move inwards, he began to feel so belittled, like he did not even exist. The darkness was overwhelming him. He could not even tell if his eyes were open or shut. Then, he noticed far off deeper in the cave, a light. A Pokémon perhaps? Or is it Genie? Relieved to have regained his vision he began walking quickly towards this light. When he finally arrives at the source, he found Genie with a Chimchar next to her bent down next to a Pokémon.


    “Genie! What happened?” He yelled coming up next to her. He had noticed she was crying.


    “He... he attacked me… This Darumaka,” Genie cried. “It seemed like it was possessed. It didn’t act like a normal wild Pokémon though.”


    “We should get this Pokémon to the Pokémon center. It could use our help” Eric said, suddenly becoming more firm and serious that Genie has ever seen him before. Eric walked up to the little red Pokémon and picked it up.


    “Is that your Chimchar? We could use the light to get us out of here,” Eric asked and Genie nodded and Chimchar began emitting flames from his body. The Pokémon was weak. Very weak.


    “What the hell did you do to this, poor Pokémon? It looks like it’s been through a war! I didn’t even know you had a Pokémon,” he said and Genie began shedding tears again.


    “That’s the thing, I didn’t do anything! I walked into the cave, released my Chimchar and began walking, until I came across this Darumaka. It was staring at me, like it was waiting for me and began running towards me. Chimchar tackled him and got him before he touched me and then something happened… I’m not sure what exactly but it felt like some spirit exited the Pokémon’s body from right here” She said as she slowly put her hand on the Pokémon’s chest.


    “Well, let’s hurry up and then we can perhaps find out what happened,” Eric said sternly and they began sprinting. They reached the gates they once passed through and crossed them, but then were greeted by a large group of adults.


    “Where were you kids? And what is that in your arms!” One of them yelled.


    “We got lost from our group and then we encountered this injured Pokémon! We thought we should take him to the Pokémon center” Genie said.


    “Why is it so hard to understand that you should NOT interact with the Pokémon?” another adult yelled.


    “It doesn’t matter! We need to go help him NOW!” Eric began yelling at them.


    “Do you know the stories about this volcano, boy?” A lady asked, looking fierce.


    “Yes I do, and it’s all bullshit in my opinion,” he replied. She looked at him with a shocked expression.


    “Come with me, I’ll heal your Pokémon,” The lady suggested, and the two of them followed. She took them to a nearby Pokémon center and once inside they handed the Darumaka to the nurse.


    “Please! Heal him the best you can!” Genie exclaimed.


    “We’ll do the best we can,” The nurse replied.


    “Now please children, come sit and explain to me what happened,” The lady walked over to a nearby table and sat down. They joined her and explained the story. How it seemed like the Pokémon was possessed and how he attacked Genie.


    “It seems like my fears have been realized,” She said darkly. “The story of the volcano is true, but the lie that “peace was restored” is in fact a lie. There was once a demon that haunted that volcano, it caused Pokémon to turn violent and crazy. Then, all of a sudden this demon disappeared. Humanity thought it was a victory and renamed the mountain, but I knew it was just a matter of time before it returns,”


    “Wow, do you really believe that’s true?” Genie asked


    “I can’t be sure, but from the description you gave me of what you saw, I can be pretty certain,” she replied


    “What do we do now, then?” Eric asked, anxiously.


    “There isn’t much you kids can do, Thank you for confirming my beliefs though, I expect the Darumaka will be healed soon and would like to thank you for saving him though,” The lady said and as it happened the nurse walked back out and told everyone that the Pokémon is going to be fine and he will recover.


    “Can I go see him?” Eric asked, and the nurse nodded leading him to the room where the Pokémon was staying. As Eric walked into the room, the Pokémon was conscious and was staring at him. It was clear that this did not happen by coincidence. That Darumaka now has a Pokémon trainer.



    BACK AT MT. PEACE


    “Well, let’s hope those kids tell everyone what they saw, because now that I have returned to my full strength. I will be retaking my mountain, and soon the world.” A voice screamed and you could hear an evil maniacal laugh follow afterwards.


    TO BE CONTINUED

  2. #2
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
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    Default Re: MT. Peace: The Rising

    /LICKLICKLICK
    MINEMINEMINE
    Darumaka captured.
    Last edited by FrozenChaos; 23rd March 2012 at 03:27 PM.
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

  3. #3
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
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    Default Re: MT. Peace: The Rising

    Introduction: Your introduction is good, but I kind of feel like there could have been more said between Eric and Genie. Not said as in dialogue, but like. More of a background between them. Did they know each other before? Where did they come from? Other than this, your introduction was fine.

    Plot: Your plot is very unique, which is often hard for beginning writers. You took a general high school (sorta) story and a general Pokemon story and made something interesting and new out of it, WHICH IS GOOD. Very good. Originality and uniqueness are amazing, and the human mind definitely has the capabilities to make things unique. You utilize this, which is good. Gold star. <3

    Description: Eh, you don't have too much description, but that'll come with time. The more vividly you see your story, the more vividly we will. And contrary to popular belief, it's not all based around what a character looks like or is wearing. Scenery, facial expressions, body language, smell, sight, sound, touch, taste even, all of it you can use to your advantage. Put yourself in the story. Pretend you dreamt it last night. You can achieve amazing things through description. The description you have towards your characters, yes, even the minor ones, was fine. In the future, add the amount of detail you have towards them towards the scenery. Maybe Eric's thoughts, opinions, and the like. Half a gold star. <

    Characters: Your two characters have two distinctive personalities, which is a good thing. A reader won't mix them up when reading your story. Just be sure to further develop them throughout the rest of the story. Think about how unique people actually are in reality. Think about how many different things you can tell about a person after knowing them for five minutes. The sound of their voice, any ticks they have, maybe a truamatic past or mental condition. Don't forgo these completely human traits. Overall, you have a very good foundation for your characters. Gold star. <3

    Dialogue: Your dialogue was alright. It gets long at times, but that's alright. Sometimes you need a lengthy dialogue. Monologues, anyone? (; Soliloquies even, they are indeed acceptable, just make sure you don't overflow your story with them. You didn't here though, which is good. Your dialogue propels the story, which is, in a sense, what it's supposed to do. Just don't forget about the description in favor of dialogue. (;

    Grammar: Don't fret, this is always long.

    [“You bet I am! You know how long I’ve been waiting for this tour!” She yelled enthusiastically.]
    Dialogue tags are still a part of the sentence. The only time you capitalize the next word immediately after a quote is if it actually starts a new sentence, in which case the ending punctuation would definitely be a period. In this case, it's a dialogue tag, so it stays lower.

    [What kind of miracles could have happened on a dormant volcano? He thought to himself.]
    Same thing here, and also, thoughts need to be seperate from the rest of the narrative as quotes are. It doesn't matter if you use asterisks, brackets, italics, whatever it doesn't matter. Just as long as something's there.

    [The room they just walked into was loud and noisy, among them were hundreds of high school students, all yelling and chatting and laughing.]
    The comma after 'noisy' should be a semicolon. Semicolons are used in place of commas when they seperate two parts of a sentence that can each be its own sentence. A comma here makes it a run-on, which is really messy. dontdothatlol. Also, when listing things like yelling, chatting, and laughing, seperate them with commas and put one and directly in front of the last item.

    [Genie walked in and immediately run to her group of girlfriends.]
    'Run' should be 'ran', to keep the story in past tense. Whatever tense you decide to pick, stick with it.

    [Eric being somewhat of a loner, just stood at the door way.]
    There should be a comma after 'Eric'. Commas are also used when you have added information. As in, information that isn't specifically needed to understand or complete the sentence. In this case, "being somewhat of a loner" is extra, so it's set aside from the rest of the sentence in commas.

    [He stood in the circle among Genies friends and they all stared at him. ]
    You should have an apostrophe in "Genies". Genie is a possessive noun, friends belonging to her, so stick an apostrophe there. GENIE'S FRIENDS! HYFR!

    [He tried to mutter a greeting to the rest of the girls but it came out as gibberish.
    There should be a comma after 'girls'. Commas also seperate two contrasting ideas. He tried speaking to them, but it didn't work. It's like opposites.

    [make the world seem like not such a bad place” The girls all stared at him with confused expressions.]
    This is one of those instances where you would end a quote with a period. The ending of the quote is also the ending of the sentence, making you correct in capitalizing the next word to begin the next sentence.

    [He was “too nerdy” for them in a sense, but he wasn’t ashamed.]
    Comma after 'them', as this is also extra information.

    [He continued to stare around the room, waiting for someone to make an announcement so they can finally go through with the tour,]
    'Can' should be replaced with 'could'. Past tense. (;

    [until finally a tall woman with a megaphone began talking.]
    Introductory and transitional words, like 'finally', also need commas behind them.

    [He checked a list to find his name and find out who his tour guide was and on that same list he read the name “Genie Stewart”. ]
    This is a run-on. x_x To fix this, you could make it two sentences, ending the first one after 'was' and eliminating 'and'.

    [He walked over to the meeting location of his group and was greeted by a number of large glancing eyes.]
    Commas also set off coordinate adjectives, which is when you have more than one adjective describing something. In this case, "large, glancing eyes".

    [It turns out he has been checking the names for longer than he had expected and everyone was waiting on him. ]
    Here you have a bunch of tense problems. x_x It should read something more like: "As it turned out, he had been checking the names longer than he had expected and everyone was waiting on him."

    [“Now, please all of you follow me!” Spencer said, as all the students began walking.]
    Lol, you don't need a comma after 'said'. dem commas. x_x

    [Around the gates they had multiple signs that read “Do not interact with the Pokémon!"]
    'They had" just sounds funny here. "There were" would sound better here. For things like this, just try reading it out loud. Chances are, if it sounds funny to your ear, it's incorrect.

    [Eric was not listening completely.]
    This is also another one of those 'use your ear' moments. Instead, use something like, 'at all'.

    [After fifteen minutes of walking, he was just bored shitless.]
    I like your language LOL. Try keeping the swearing to the dialogue though, please. Unless the narrative is in first person. Then, by all means, stay in character lol.

    [It was true, there were over 40 students on this tour and we were close to the back of the group. ]
    Unless it's inside of a quote or in first person point of view, 'we' should be 'they'.

    [“Now what?” Eric asked staring at Genie and she smiled and began skipping across the terrain.]
    Commas also seperate two back to back verbs, like "asked" and "staring." The "and" following "Genie" should also be "as" instead. "And" kind of doesn't make sense here, since you're originally talking about Eric.

    [They didn’t talk or barely even interact with the exception of a few awkward glances at each other until finally they heard screaming.]
    "With the exception of a few awkward glances at each other" would be extra information and should be set apart with a comma before and after.

    [Eric said, suddenly becoming more firm and serious that Genie has ever seen him before. ]
    x_X Uhm. I'm not sure how to explain how to correct this. See, I'm not perfect, either! D: It doesn't flow right. Maybe change it to: "Eric said, suddenly becoming more firm and serious in a way that Genie had never seen before."

    [“The story of the volcano is true, but the lie that “peace was restored” is in fact a lie.]
    When you have a quote inside of a quote, use apostrophes around it instead.

    Holy moley. x_x Yeah, this is going to take some time to fix. I understand that this is your first story, so don't be alarmed at how much information is here. This all also isn't going to get fixed in the time interval between now and when you post the next part (which you will). Fixing things like this in a story takes a few minutes, but it takes longer to fix them in the brain. You'll get the hang of it though, I'm sure of it. And if it makes you feel any better, published authors have editors for a reason. (; Also, don't forget your ending punctuation on your sentences. -finger wag-


    Climax: The climax of your story was bit on the downside, but not by much. It indeed perked my interest up, but what actually caught me was the cliff hanger. Cliff hangers are always good, especially if they piss the reader off. That's almost a guarantee that they're going to come back, simply because they want to know what happens next. This is a very good way to keep your story interesting. Also, don't worry if you have some down spots here and there. A wise grader *coughemmacough* once told me that a story needs some down time so that the up time is that much more interesting. Just know that you need to highlight the right side of my previous post to see your result, you sneak you, and that the climax of your story needs to be the absolute highlight of your story. Which it was. So good job. GOLD STAR. <3

    Length and plausibility: ya ok.

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    Last edited by FrozenChaos; 23rd March 2012 at 03:56 PM.
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

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