A Most Magnificent Splash. [Grader Needed]

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  1. #1
    As Dark as White can be.. Giustizia's Avatar
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    Default A Most Magnificent Splash. [Grader Needed]

    Note, will ruin the ending.

    Also,
    [My first story. So go easy on me graders!]


    Clouds spit rain heavily down onto the young trainer as he maneuvered his way through yet another route. The gray skies reflected his mood. In stark contrast however, his partner Pokemon Solosis whistled, or what seems to be whistling, quite contently behind him.

    Wearing his trademark green and black cap pulled tightly over his tufty hair, the boy trudged on, taking care not to get his new clothes too dirty. The boy had taken a liking to his rather stylish jet black waistcoat, which he chose to wear over the top of his emerald green tee shirt. On his bottom half he wore a pair of grey, faded jeans, the bottom of which tinged brown with mud. His normally black trainers, now too are coloured brown with the ever sticky mud.

    His partner, not perturbed, followed ever content with life, lacking a speck of mud on it’s blob like physiology due to its ability to levitate when desired. It’s green outer layer reflected the water pellets away from the main “nucleus” inside. The small, almost cute, face was rounded and a lighter shade of green than its protective bubble. What seemed to be a small spiral sat on the side on the Pokemon’s “head”, thus completing the look.

    Darker clouds rolled over the pair as they reached an opening in the forest that had been traversing. Looking behind him, the trainer saw row upon row of foliage stretching back as far as his eyes could see, he turned to face forward as it dawned on him how far he had travelled in only a few hours. Taking a further interest in his new surroundings, he took in what he could see around him. The circular clearing was edged with thick, lustrous tall grass, which the young boy guessed housed many different species of Pokemon. The clearing itself however, was void of the green stuff. In fact, it was just dirt, wet due to the now even heavier rainfall leaving it a rather unattractive tone of brown, not unlike the shade still residing on the trainer’s footwear.
    In the near distance, running water could be heard, but not seen. The youth could determine the direction from which the sound was coming, so chose to follow his ears and find the stream in question.

    After a brisk sprint, the boy finds himself at the streams edge, however due the heavy rain, said stream had burst it banks and was flooding the nearby wildlife. Solosis caught up with its impatient trainer, and immediately tensed as it sensed the form of another Pokemon instinctively.
    Curious as to what was agitating his new friend, he ordered a Psychic attack to be performed on the stream-now-river, to flush out and attackers that may have tried to ambush the pair if they’d gotten any closer. The small green blob vibrated violently for a few seconds before casting off a purple beam of aura into the water. A flailing red shape was flung from the water before landing upstream. Eager to determine what he’d just attacked, the trainer quickly but cautiously made his way towards the flailing fish, this time taking note to allow time for his partner to catch up.
    Upon reaching the fish Pokemon, the trainer immediately took in any details visible at the time. He noted it as a reddish-orange, medium-sized fish. Other notable characteristics he picked up were how the Pokemon seemed to have rather large and heavy scales. Its fins were primarily white, but it also had two stiff, three-peaked fins on its back and stomach which were both a striking tone of yellow. The young trainer also took in the fish Pokemon’s tanned barbels, and how the Pokemon was using them not only to help propel itself towards him, but also to take in its new surroundings and details about the pair it was about to face.

    Seemingly, the Pokemon had not been damaged by the Psychic attack that had been fired at it earlier. The trainer deduced that the Pokemon must’ve dodged the attack, but still been propelled from the water by the force it caused.

    Suddenly, the Pokemon attacked! It threw it’s lean body high in to the air and the forcefully threw itself to the Earth, creating a monstrous splash, soaking both the pair in muddy water. No damage was inflicted, but still the pair weren’t amused.

    The trainer issued his command, and the battle truly began; “Solosis, use Psychic!” He pointed emphatically towards the flailing fish before adding, “Try not to miss this time!”
    Taking the command with a pinch of salt, the small Psychic Pokemon shuddered vigorously a second time. It let loose another beam of purple energy, directly towards the medium-sized fish, and this time the attack landed. The fish was launched a decent 20 feet aerially before landing with a satisfying thud on the wet Earth. After pausing to take in the Magikarp’s rather graceless landing, the trainer issued another attack, “Again Solosis!” He paused for breath, before continuing, “One more Psychic attack should be enough!”

    Acting on its master’s orders, the green blob fired off the third and final beam of purple energy, aiming to knock the Magikarp up into the air and stranded away from its homefield advantage of the stream.

    The attack connected, and the fish flew high into the air, just as the small blob had hoped. Barely conscious, the flying Magikarp made no attempt to dodge the medium-sized red topped capsule as it connected with its forehead. The Pokemon flashed a bright red and was sucked into said capsule. With a loud squelch, the capsule landed in the muddy wetland.

    The pair crossed their fingers as the ball wobbled once.

    Then twice!

    Then...

  2. #2
    bad wolf Scourge of Nemo's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Most Magnificent Splash. [Grader Needed]

    *eats Magikarp*
    URPG Statistics
    Running Through Daisies

    kers x alaska x zak x derian x scourge x ireign

  3. #3
    bad wolf Scourge of Nemo's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Most Magnificent Splash. [Grader Needed]

    Introduction: Weather. It’s certainly not the most interesting of subjects, what with being relegated to stock small talk, but it never fails as a story introduction of some sort. When done properly, it serves to set the scene, the mood, AND describe a bit of what’s going on… all at once. ‘n I’d say you pulled off the intro well. So, congrats. :) Many birds with one stone. This works well with the story and starts to get everything in the right place.

    For your next story, maybe you should start thinking of introductions that specifically augment the story, rather than just “work with.” Don’t just set up the scene—set things rolling in a way that actually tells us something a little about what’ll happen in the future. If your story is going to be exciting and actiony, maybe that means starting it with a battle, or a chase scene. If it’s going to be funny, maybe a bit of snippy dialogue that surprises us. If it’s an adventure fic, maybe a high-flown, exciting description of the wilderness. Y’know. Take advantage of every moment you have to say something. ☺ You’ve done quite well so far—so just think about this as the next step up.

    Plot: You did do the “trainer-woods-Pokémon” plot set up. This isn’t usually a good idea in URPG. Normally, ‘sjust like, “aww, that’s not a very interesting plot.” But it’s a genuinely dangerous choice in URPG. It could get you eaten. Anyway, if you give this sortof thing again, throw in a bit of a twist. Maybe the Trainer is running from something. Maybe they have to catch the Pokémon for a specific reason. Maybe the weather goes wrong, or they lose their Pokémon, or they find something injured under a bush. Maybe they run into another Trainer and decide to start a contest. Even a little, tiny disturbance from the expected plot progression can bring a bit of light and joy to a story that, otherwise, might just be vaguely amusing.

    One thing you did with this that I really liked: the incorporation of the rain into the story. It actually served as a plot function, to some degree, and was well incorporated into the battle and the characters’ emotions. You also hinted at a little bit of conflict between the Trainer and his Pokémon, what with the Trainer being all glum, and the Pokémon whistling happily. Expanding on that could’ve been pretty interesting, but it worked well as-is. ^_^ You actually had some pretty interesting nuances that held this story together—I’d love to see something longer/more involved from you.

    Next time, try to start out with a more unusual premise—it’ll get you higher level captures more easily, and you will get away with a more straightforward plot. HOWEVER. As a whole, you did pretty darned okay for your first stab at a URPG story. I hope to see more soon.

    Grammar: CONGRATULATIONS. You only made one regular grammatical error. So now I introduce you to…

    it’s vs its

    It’s is a contraction. Means “it is.” Its indicates possession.

    So…

    It threw it’s lean body
    It’s green outer layer reflected
    et cetera, are mistakes. Keep a look out for that.

    The trainer issued his command, and the battle truly began; “Solosis, use Psychic!”
    This was a weird use of the semi-colon. Normally, you’d use a colon (if you wanted to indicate continuity) or a period (if you just wanted to break it off—although, in that case, you’d probably want to put the dialogue first). I’m not actually sure about whether or not that’s right/wrong. ‘sjust odd.

    Another thing to consider: try to hit ‘enter’ between all your paragraphs, so you don’t end up with clumps of paragraphs stuck together. Graders like that more.

    Good job on your grammar. :D If I grade something else from you, I’ll get into prose/style-related nuances.

    Description: You have a pretty strong grasp on the basics of description. Your word choice is a lot stronger than I’m used to seeing in URPG fics—ie, “with a loud squelch”… You just had a lot of very neat, stylistic quirks to your word choice that helped flesh out the imagery aspect of your writing. ‘n you didn’t really get boring with what you described. You also hit all the basics—described setting, trainer, Pokémon, attacks—that a lot of people usually forget about or miss. So, good job there.

    As you write more, remember to think bout the “five senses” (plus emotion for six). You mainly used sight, with a bit of insinuated sound (coming from your verb choice but without being explicitly stated) and some vague emotion. Start thinking about the others. Ie… Does the rain smell fresh and new, like spring? Or does it carry a darker, muskier scent? You can use that to set the mood further. Taste is kindof impractical, but touch could work pretty well in an adventuring scenario like this—the heavy patter of the rain on his back, the slip of the mud beneath his feet.

    Also remember to take advantage of what you write. If something’s funny, feel free to emphasize it a little more—not so much that we’re like, “Wow, you think you’re really funny. Shut up.”—but enough that we realize that what we’re reading is really funny, and take a moment to snicker. (For example, the scene where the Magikarp splashes the trainer and his Solosis.)

    Battle: This entertained me. XD

    He pointed emphatically towards the flailing fish before adding, “Try not to miss this time!”
    There was sortof an element of hapless amusement to this battle. You definitely could’ve played up the image of the trainer absolutely soaked in mud, pointing ridiculously at a Magikarp and shouting battle commands. But as-is, it was still pretty darn tickling.

    You also had a nice balance of attacks, a semi-fair battle, and incorporated the environment, which is what we graders are supposed to care about. But I’m more out there for a good show—which you certainly delivered. SO GOOD JOB.

    Length: Yup.

    Verdict: Magikarp Captured, no problem. Remember to edit that grammatical error in the future—it annoys a lot of people. You have a good solid grasp of writing, and a bit of humor gleaming through it. I’m hoping to see that peak its head out more. I WANT TO SEE A NICE MEDIUM CAPTURE FROM YOU, SOON. Tinker around with plot concepts—you’ll get hammered, if you stick to this outline. I’ve a good feeling that you know how to step outside of this, though, and will do well when you give it a try. SO YEAH. GOOD BYE.
    URPG Statistics
    Running Through Daisies

    kers x alaska x zak x derian x scourge x ireign

  4. #4
    Loveless PokePalPanda's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Most Magnificent Splash. [Grader Needed]

    Not to be mean but it's is just a contraction of it and is. It's is not possessive.

  5. #5
    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Most Magnificent Splash. [Grader Needed]

    Quote Originally Posted by PokePalPanda View Post
    Not to be mean but it's is just a contraction of it and is. It's is not possessive.
    It's is a contraction, but its, without the apostrophe, is possesive. The author used the contraction of "it is" instead of the possesive its.

    - It's raining today.

    - Its tail wagged upon the girl's arrival.

    Also, please don't post in someone's story unless you're a grader or you're commenting on the story.

    - Kat


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