Mission Appeal
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Thread: Mission Appeal

  1. #1
    That guy Eraizaa-kun's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
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    Default Mission Appeal

    (story ready for grading)

    Mission Appeal

    This could have been a normal winter day for anybody in the small glittering town. People were going around their houses putting up decorations of different colors and sorts while wrapped up in their thick coats. They had to hurry as snow had not begun to fall yet, but it would soon. It was only a matter of time.

    Still, unknown to all of them, they were actually being watched. From the corner of the chimney that you just can’t catch with your eye to the strange times where they thought they saw something moving in the shadows there were creatures lurking. Some of them took advantage of their dark color and speed to hide, others blended right in with the environment, but all of them had one goal and that was to observe.

    Where did they come from? The answer would have been obvious to anyone if they were aware of their presence. The thick forest at the south of the town was their home. Deep inside, these creatures known as Pokémon would live their normal lives, but some of them desired more than just that. They wanted knowledge. Maybe it was something they learned to crave from living near humans or maybe it was something that, like us, they had as part of their nature.

    They gathered in small underground caves that zigzagged threw the forest as a maze. Although these tunnels allowed no light in, it was easy for them to use there senses as a guide. This time, two round Pokémon made their way into the cave. Their blue bodies bobbed from side to side creating the impression that the black spiral on their bellies was spinning as they made their way through the tunnels. They made it into a room where finally they saw a light. Inside the room there were two more Pokémon. One of them was spherical with its top half red and its bottom half white. The light seemed to be emanating from its body. To its right, there was an owl-like Pokémon.

    As the brown owl made eye contact with the two blue Pokémon that entered the caves, they straightened their feather-shaped tails and stood still as if they were in the presence of someone important.

    The owl then spoke to them in a gentle voice, “So, you are the two Poliwag who were assigned to this mission? Very well. I’m Noctowl and I am about to give you your instructions so listen carefully. The time for snow is almost here. Sources say that a few hours after nightfall it will start to fall covering the Human nests at the edge of the forest. For reasons unknown, at this time the humans gather the Pokémon living among them and trap them in a large construction. Some of our spies tell us that they do so to ridicule the Pokémon for their own amusement. It is your job to infiltrate this event and find out what is really going on.”

    The two Poliwag nodded and said, “Yes sir mister Noctowl.”

    Noctowl nodded back to them and pointed towards the wall. As he did, a dark purple smoke phased right through it. The smoke gathered into a ball where two eyes and a mouth appeared, but for some reason, this didn’t seem to frighten the Pokémon.

    Noctowl pointed towards the ghostly creature with his wing and said, “This is Gastly. He will accompany you in your mission masquerading as your human so that you can walk around the human nests without attracting attention to yourselves. Now go, and be careful out there.”

    The Poliwag nodded once more just before turning around and exiting the tunnels with their new partner Gastly trailing behind them.

    Soon the next day arrived and just as it was predicted, the town was covered in snow. As midday sun got into position, all the people seemed to be gathering in a large arena just at the end of the town. The large red building had sign just over its opened doors that read, “New Snows Winter Celebration.”

    At that moment, the two Poliwag and the Gastly neared the edge of the forest.

    Gastly looked down at the Poliwag and said, “Okay, now!”

    Suddenly, a large puff of smoke appeared covering Gastly. When the smoke cleared, it revealed an old man wearing a brown English outfit complete with a hat, white hair and beard.

    The two Poliwag looked at him amazed for a moment. They knew that was just a ghostly disguise Gastly was using, but they couldn’t help but have their momentary doubts at first.

    “Let’s go now,” said Gastly with an old man voice.

    The Poliwag nodded and quickly followed Gastly as he walked towards the dome. It seemed that the town was deserted because everyone was at the event. Just before arriving at the arena, the group heard a voice coming from a nearby log cabin. They couldn’t see anyone there though so when two eyes suddenly opened from the wall they were a bit stunned. As they took a closer look, they noticed what looked like a dog Pokémon standing there. It was colored just like the cabin, even with the correct light and dark patterns of the wood. As it extended its arm forward, it revealed a paintbrush-like tail.

    “Oh, it’s just Smeargle,” said one of the Poliwag.

    “Great camouflage!” added his brother.

    The painted Pokémon glared and said, “No time for that now. You are on a mission. It seems that to participate in the event you’ll have to talk to the two female humans sitting next to the entrance. Talk to them and they should let you know what to do. I know you three understand human speech, but they don’t know our language.”

    “I can speak human clearly,” added Gastly.

    “Excellent! Now go!” exclaimed the Smeargle as it pointed towards the dome.

    The group quickly made their way to the entrance where two identical ladies wearing blue winter coats sat behind a table filled with papers.

    As Gastly neared them, they both smiled and said in unison, “Welcome to the New Snows Winter Celebration! How may we help you?”

    Gastly acted as if he was clearing his throat and spoke in clear English, “Oh, yes! I would like to know about the event inside.”

    The lady to the right said, “We hold a Pokémon Contest at the first sight of snow to celebrate sir.”

    “What is this Pokémon Contest?” asked Gastly.

    “Oh? You are new to Pokémon Contests sir? Well, this is where trainers we like to call coordinators come and show off their Pokémon’s beauty and grace,” answered the lady to the left.

    “They have to use their moves and skills to impress the crowd and the louder the crowd cheers, the more points the Pokémon gets. We don’t have official judges, so that’s how we do it here,” said the lady to the right.

    “We have two rounds and this year we decided to double everything to commemorate the earliest snow fall of the decade. During the first round, two of your Pokémon must work together to show off to the crowd. If you make it to the second round, you’ll have to battle two on two against the other coordinators to win the prize,” finished the lady to the left.

    Both Poliwag looked at each other knowing that they would have to be the ones to perform, but also wondering why this Pokémon Contest sounded more like a sport than a torture.

    Gastly bent down and looked straight at the ladies with glowing eyes as he said, “Would you be kind and register us? And please be sure that we get to go last.”

    “I’m sorry, but we go by alpha...” the lady to right left began to say when she looked into Gastly’s eyes.

    Right then, her sister looked at his eyes too and said, “Right away sir.”

    As the event began, the three sat in a corner. They watched as other Pokémon did tricks and light shows. At first, the Poliwag were disgusted, but they couldn’t help but keep on watching. Little by little they saw all the acts getting more complicated and flashy. Eventually, they were stunned by how beautiful some of the Pokémon actually looked, and that’s when they started listening as well. They heard the Pokémon squeal in joy as the crowd cheered for them and even heard some sassy ones flatter themselves with comments as they walked by.

    Then they realized that soon they would have to do something like that themselves. They had no idea what to do at that time and their mission required them to stick to the end.

    Gastly looked down at them and said, “Don’t worry. I have a plan.”

    Gastly stood up and sneaked to a back room where a couple of the female coordinators were talking. He waited in a corner until one of them walked out of the room. That was Gastly’s chance. He ran towards the coordinator that was left alone and let out a strange pink gas out of his mouth.

    The light skinned girl began to cough saying, “What is this?”

    Almost immediately after she did, she fell asleep on the floor, probably wrinkling her pink gown. Gastly smiled and neared her letting out of his mouth a strange purple light that hit the girl’s head. She seemed to be a pain, but, it was more like she was having a horrible dream. Soon, Gastly swallowed up the light and left the room where the girl slowly woke up wondering what happened.

    The Poliwag were waiting just outside the room and as they saw Gastly walk out they asked, “So, did you get it?”

    Gastly nodded and said, “Yes. Now we you go out there, just follow my instructions to the letter. They will be weird instructions, but trust me.”

  2. #2
    That guy Eraizaa-kun's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
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    Default Re: Mission Appeal

    They headed back towards the arena just in time because only seconds after they took their seats again, the man in dressed in a black suit in the middle of the arena grabbed his microphone and said, “And now for our last performance of round one, we have a new contestant! Don’t let his looks fool ya! He’s new to the Pokémon Contest world, but who knows what fresh ideas he may have? Let’s have some applause for Mr. Gus Lee!”

    Gastly quickly ran towards the center of the arena with both Poliwag following him close by.

    “Go Poliwag!” shouted Gastly as the two brothers headed for the middle of the wring. “Turn to each other and use Mud Shot!”

    Both Poliwag weren’t sure were Gastly was going with this, but they had their instructions. They both aimed towards the other and let a stream of mud out of their mouths. They hoped Gastly had a plan.

    “No dodge, but don’t let off on the mud!” continued Gastly with his commands.

    The Poliwag quickly rolled to each of their rights attempting to dodge the other’s Mud Shot while still trying to strike with their own. As they did, the found themselves creating a ring of mud in the floor right around them.

    “Okay, stop and follow it with Rain Dance,” said Gastly with a gentle voice.

    Both Poliwag nodded and began jumping side to side inside the mud ring. They jumped in a circular motion while facing each other. Suddenly, a blue beam flew skywards from between them through the opened ceiling and right into the sky. The blue skies suddenly turned grey as it started to rain. However, due to the cold weather, the rain drops froze on their way down threatening to pelt over the crow.

    “Psychic!” added Gastly to the commands.

    Poliwag instinctively knew that they had to stop the ice drops from falling. As the two focused their mind, the ice stopped inches before hitting the crowd.

    At that moment, Gastly thought to himself, “Now it’s my turn.”

    Gastly focused his own mind and began to lift the Poliwag into the air causing them to pull the ice upwards. As he did, he also pulled the mud upwards creating a dome-shaped base where one of the Poliwag stood. The other Poliwag stood on top of his brother and the ice spun around over their heads. As the sky cleared and sunlight shined through the ice, the entire structure looked like a giant first place cup with the Poliwag as the center piece. The crowd stood from their seats and began applauding. Everyone seemed overjoyed except one girl who sat in a corner; the same girl who Gastly had attacked earlier.

    She glared as she thought to herself, “That was my idea! I was hoping to catch the right Pokémon for it before this contest started too!”

    With the crowd’s cheers, it was obvious that they had made it to the next round. The two Poliwag smiled widely as they heard the crowd cheer for them. They looked up and down and saw what they had done. Sure, it wasn’t going to change the world, but it had been fun and they were proud of it.

    Soon, the second round came. The three Pokémon watched all the other battles go by, but this time the Poliwag were watching and paying attention to detail. These weren’t ordinary battles at all. They were poetry in motion. The Poliwag were inspired and now wanted to try it themselves. They kept noticing how these green rectangular shapes on the walls kept turning yellow as the battlers did better or worse.

    They looked up towards Gastly and said, “This round, leave it all to us.”

    Gastly looked surprised, but, he wanted to think that they wanted to show initiative on their mission.

    Not really knowing their feelings, Gastly smiled at them and said, “As you wish.”

    Soon, they found themselves back in the arena, only this time they were taking a corner instead of center stage. But on the other corner was no other than the girl who encountered Gastly earlier. Gastly looked a bit nervous, but tried to calm down. After all, this time, the Poliwag were going to do the work by themselves.

    At that moment, the announcer shouted, “And...Begin!”

    The girl quickly tossed two red and white balls, known as Pokéballs, as she shouted, “Pidgey, Venonat, show time!”

    The balls opened letting out a glow of light. As it cleared, two new Pokémon had appeared. One looked like a small brow pigeon while the other looked like a purple fuzzy ball with big red eyes and two antennae.

    Gastly also shouted, “Go Poliwag!”

    The two Poliwag also jumped into the stage as well and waited for their opponents to move.

    The girl pointed forward and said, “Venonat, Zen Headbutt! Pidgey, Whirlwind!”

    The Poliwag took a fighting stance, waiting to see what was coming their way. Venonat quickly ran towards them as if attempting to tackle them. The Poliwag jumped towards each other and bounced off one another to gain distance and jump out of the way. However, as they were bouncing away, they felt an energy over come them. They couldn’t move, but they shifted their sight towards Venonat recognizing that that’s where the energy was coming from. At that moment, Pidgey began flapping its wings faster and faster causing a wind to blow. The wind went towards Venonat, but due to the psychic energy surrounding it, the wind split into two and created two tornadoes which enveloped the Poliwag. They spun in the air a few times before being sent flying towards the center hitting each other’s head.

    They tried to endure the hit and not make a sound, but they slowly looked towards the meter on the wall behind Gastly. With that move alone, half their meter had become yellow. They had to do something about that. The Poliwag stood up and jumped, making holes in the ground as they landed.

    “What is this? Their trainer didn’t even give a command,” thought the girl to herself.

    Then, a stream of hot water jetted from the ground and headed towards Pidgey. On instinct, Pidgey dodge the steaming water when suddenly the stream burst in the air revealing one of the Poliwag who was hiding in it. He didn’t seem bothered by the heat of the water, but rather refreshed by it. The Poliwag spun around in the air as a big bubble of mud was forming in his mouth. As he let the bubble go, he hit it with his tail, sending the mud right towards Pidgey. At that moment, another stream of water appeared right from underneath Venonat causing it to fly upwards into the air just as Pidgey was hit with the mud and began to fall. And that’s when it happened; another collision. The two Pokémon gave out a screech in pain and soon both crashed on the floor.

    The Poliwag in the air shot a stream of water towards the ground to cushion his fall as the other popped up right next to his brother. Both their opponents quickly stood up and shook off the attack awaiting new orders. By then, the water on the ground had become frozen and the floor itself slippery. The Poliwag looked at the meters out of the corner of their eyes and realized that they had evened out the score.

    The girl in the pink dress didn’t have time to figure out how her opponent managed something like that without any commands. She looked towards her Pokémon and shouted, “Let’s try this again. Feather Dance! Mega Drain!”

    Pidgey began flapping its wing and took flight once more. As it did, several feathers were scattered into the air and surrounded the Poliwag. Venonat jumped forward and let out a green light that was headed right towards the Poliwag. The Poliwag smiled towards each other, opened their mouth, and let out a cold black smoke that covered the scene. Unable to see a target, Venonat stop its attack when suddenly the two Poliwag came sliding on their bellies right out of the haze. As they slipped, they shot out scattered bubbles. The bubbles flew sideways and upwards above the arena. Venonat tried dodging but it slipped in the ice and one of the bubbles burst right on its face. Pidgey managed to maneuver in the air dodging each attack. At that moment, the Poliwag used their psychic powers to lift each other up and back into a battle position. This time, Poliwag’s meter had dropped a bit, but not as much as their opponents’ who had less than a quarter of their meter left.

    “That’s it! Venonat, Stun Spore! Pidgey, Tailwind!” shouted the girl.

    Venonat quickly spread a strange yellow dust up in the air just as Pidgey began flying swiftly towards the Poliwag. The two brothers were waiting for Pidgey to get close enough to them to strike, but suddenly, Pidgey moved upwards and away from them. When it did, a strong wind came from behind Pidgey towards the Poliwag. The wind carried with it the strange dust Venonat had created earlier which spread over the two brothers. The Poliwag suddenly felt a stinging sensation run through their bodies. They tried moving, but it was hard due to the pain.

    “Oh no...” thought Gastly as he realized things weren’t going well.

    As the Poliwag noticed their own meter being almost completely out, they looked at each other and tried one last thing. At that moment, multiple Poliwag began appearing all around the arena, but in reality, only two of them were real.

    “You can’t get me with that trick,” said the girl coordinator. “Pidgey, Foresight!”

    Pidgey heard the command so it began flying lower and until it was flying right in front of its owner. That when Pidgey blinked for second and when it opened its eyes a bright light came out of them. As Pidgey shifted its eyes from one side of the arena to the other, the light covered the whole arena causing all the fake Poliwag to disappear, but then something else happened. The light also made it across the arena and covered the Pokémon in the old man disguise. The illusion suddenly faded away revealing Gastly’s real body. A lot of people in the crowd started screaming; some were just stunned.

    Gastly floated towards the Poliwag and said in their Pokémon language, “My cover has been blown! We have to get out of here!”

    The Poliwag heard Gastly’s command, but they didn’t move.

    They smiled at him as one of them said, “No. You should go back without us.”

    “After all, we can’t move ourselves,” added the other one.

    “What?! But what am I going to tell them?!” asked Gastly.

    The first Poliwag spoke again in their Pokémon language, “Tell them everything you saw here.”

    “How the Pokémon worked hard, how they dazzled us...” continued the other.

    “...and how we had a lot of fun,” finished the first.

    “Oh! And how we looked good at it too!” said the other in a cheery tone.

    Gastly seemed worried, but he closed his eyes, turned around, and said, “I understand. I hope I’ll see you again my friends.”

    “Goodbye!” exclaimed the two Poliwag.

    At that moment, Gastly flew straight towards a wall a disappeared.

    The girl coordinator looked at the Poliwag stunned. She had no idea what had just happened. The two Poliwag looked back at the meters and saw that their meter had run out. They had lost, but they did their best. The turned towards their opponents and bowed forward. That’s when the girl snapped out of her shocked state. She realized that, somehow and for some unknown reason, she had been fighting wild Pokémon. She felt compassion for them seeing as they were now alone and walk towards them. The Poliwag looked a bit scared, but they just waited there.

    When the coordinator reached them, she bent down and petted their saying, “You two did an excellent job. And you know what? You are just what I need on my team.” She took out a couple of balls like the ones her Pokémon had come out of earlier and continued, “What do you say?”

    The two Poliwag looked at each other for a moment and smiled once more. They then turned towards the girl and nodded just before extending their tails and tapping the Pokéballs with them. At that moment, the two Pokémon suddenly became flashes of light that were absorbed into the Pokéballs. The balls fell to the floor and began shake as they gave out small red flashes of light.


    Story Ready for Grading!

    Goal Pokemon: Poliwag and Poliwag
    Characters Required: 10,000-20,000
    Character Lenght: Aprox. 21,000

  3. #3
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
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    Default Re: Mission Appeal

    Plot: It was certainly an exciting story. The idea you had was not only creative, but it gave you a really good story to write in terms of action. Not only that, but the Poliwag's epiphanies at the end (where they realize they actually enjoy the Contests) was a great element of the story. I intend to ramble on a lot about those later in the Climax section where it's more appropriate.

    As for the main body of your story, here's what I think. It's definitely a good story. You have key elements in there that make it exciting. I feel that you really incorporated a "mission" feel into your story through the conventions of a typical covert-ops style story, ranging from the language used to some of the little things in the story. In particular, I felt that the usage of Smeargle (which, in all honesty, wasn't completely necessary as what Smeargle said could have easily been covered up through some other method that required less work out of you, such as a letter) was a nice touch. Having the ability to find conventions of a form and then utilising those conventions to mimic the form is a really helpful storywriting ability.

    Your story was exciting as well. All the events in the story, coupled with the very engaging style of the story, really made me enjoy the story for the action. I feel that you did a great job making this story an interesting one to read.

    With that said, there are things I would like to talk about. The main one is that, in general, your whole story feels a little rushed. That in turn makes your story feel less realistic at times. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

    That’s when the girl snapped out of her shocked state. She realized that, somehow and for some unknown reason, she had been fighting wild Pokémon. She felt compassion for them seeing as they were now alone and walk towards them. The Poliwag looked a bit scared, but they just waited there.
    The problem is when she realized she had been fighting wild Pokemon. I understood she encountered Gastly earlier, but that doesn't necessarily mean she would know the Poliwags were wild. That could have been explained to greater length, and that would be something that would really help your story's realism. Not only that, but (and I feel strongly about this) there was essentially no reaction to this. This girl just had some sort of realization, shouldn't she have a reaction as well? Compassion feels out of place - something so sudden shouldn't immediately lead to compassion. If you had explained some of the girl's thoughts to help slow the process down and get some information across to your reader, it would have made things feel so much more natural.

    There were more slightly rushed sections like this through the story. Another example was at the beginning where Noctowl asked "Are you the two Poliwags assigned to this mission?" or whatever and then immediately launched into detailing his plan. I'm not going to going to break that one down as well because it would be a waste of both of our times, but you get the idea. Some of these rushed sections were in succession, and that resulted in the story feeling sometimes disjointed. Typically, proofreading will fix rushed sections like this, as they should stick out to you as you read it and make you think, "Oh, that's sounds kind of awkward, doesn't it?" Proofreading is probably a very unappealing option since this isn't exactly a university paper, but really, why not do a quick 2-minute skim of something you poured hours into? While I strongly condone proofreading, I can also understand why you'd be like "Nah, this is just URPG, idgaf", so something else that works is to just make sure that when you're typing up your story, make sure to explain everything you want to get across to the reader in the most efficient way possible. Ideally, that means you won't be rushing anything, but you won't be adding all kinds of irrelevant information. You'll be including all the necessary information, and doing it in a consistent flow.

    Speaking of irrelevant information, there were a few areas in your story where you had some things that I felt were completely irrelevant to the story. For example, the italicized thoughts in the story (of the girl). I felt that those were actually pointless. Sure, it gave us some insight into how the girl thought, but so what? Instead of helping with the story's realism, it interrupted the flow of the story's events, and ended up just being in the way. Maybe if the thoughts led up to something, like the girl putting the pieces together and realizing what was going on (and that'd probably be pretty cool), but having them just there kind of distracts me as a reader and makes me wonder "why was this included?".

    Don't get it confused with the Smeargle thing, which was an unnecessary method of explaining things. That was good because it contributed to the story, and made things seem more realistic and exciting. The thoughts were just there, and didn't contribute at all. As a writer, you should ideally understand the difference between unnecessary yet helpful garnishes, and unnecessary information that simply doesn't contribute.

    Overall, well done. Some noticeable flaws, but ultimately, it was an enjoyable storyline. That's something that I often feel gets overlooked by Graders, but it's certainly true here. :)

    Grammar: Generally clean! The only recurring grammatical mistake I would like to point out for you and ask you to fix is stuff like this:

    "Yes sir mister Noctowl."
    "We hold a Pokémon Contest at the first sight of snow to celebrate sir."
    Gastly also shouted, “Go Poliwag!”
    You had a couple of these mistakes in there. Basically, in situations where a character talks to someone and refers to him by a name or title (any kind of name or title, be it their actual name or something like dude, my dear, etc.), you need to set off the name with commas. Like so:

    "Yes sir, mister Noctowl."
    "We hold a Pokémon Contest at the first sight of snow to celebrate, sir.
    Gastly also shouted, “Go, Poliwag!"
    Something else I noticed quite a bit were typos. I actually found a numerable amount of typos in your story. Among them:

    “Go Poliwag!” shouted Gastly as the two brothers headed for the middle of the wring.
    At that moment, Gastly flew straight towards a wall a disappeared.
    “I’m sorry, but we go by alpha...” the lady to right left began to say when she looked into Gastly’s eyes.
    The only thing you can really do about typos are either force yourself to focus 100% while writing (which makes writing an asshole of a task), spellcheck (which is helpful but oftentimes not perfect, as it would have caught none of the three examples I listed), or proofread (y). Again, I repeat: I strongly encourage a quick proofread. I find it incredibly helpful to just skim through my finished product and weed out any mental errors. A quick 2-4 minute read will always reduce your errors by 99.9%. ;)

    Oh, and there was this.

    The girl coordinator looked at the Poliwag stunned.
    Girl should be female in this instance. Girl is referring to a female being, while female is better suited to be used as an adjective. I'm not sure if this was a genuine mistake or just a mental error, but I'll include it either way.

    So, I stand by my original assessment: generally clean! Well done. :) Make sure to at least make a mental note of the comma thing, because as simple as it may seem as times, grammar is something that can really influence a Grader as they read your story.

    Description: Like the other areas in the story, a generally good job here. Your descriptions were written out intelligently. For the most part, I had a decent idea of what was going on in my mind. Your descriptions during the second round of the contest were nicely done. They were quick and unobstrusive, but done well enough that I could clearly imagine what was going on my mind. For obvious reasons, nailing down descriptions during battles are important - as good as the battle itself may be, it takes a good description of the moves themselves to make the battle an appealing one to the reader.

    Another area I felt you described well was in the introduction of your story (first four paragraphs) when you described the setting. The language you used was really good, and set the table for the whole story right off the bat.

    With all that said, I can only consider your descriptions as decent at best. As fundamentally solid as they were, I found them to be a little uninteresting and almost disengaging. In my opinion, other than your introduction descriptions, many of your descriptions used relatively standard language. For example:

    The Poliwag quickly rolled to each of their rights attempting to dodge the other’s Mud Shot while still trying to strike with their own. As they did, the found themselves creating a ring of mud in the floor right around them.
    I could definitely imagine the scenario you were trying to describe, but the problem lies in that the way you did it was, to put it bluntly, boring. In a contest sequence, of all things, describing to make sure the scene is as exciting as it can be is important. Here's something along the lines of what I have in mind:

    Upon hearing the command, the Poliwag immediately dove to their right. They rolled sideways to avoid the other's Mud Shot while continuing to try and land a hit. The trails of mud left from their attacks formed an almost perfect ring pattern on the floor.
    That was a rushed example, and in my opinion, not the greatest one. However, I'm sure you get the general idea. The language you choose is crucial to your descriptions - you want to set the mood by using the proper words.

    One other thing I would've liked to see out of you may perhaps have been more descriptions of how Gastly and the Poliwags felt during the course of this mission in relation to the mission. You had this in your climax (as I mentioned earlier) and it was done very well, but it was lacking in other areas of your story. Imagine being on a covert-ops mission in real life, where you had to do something similar to this. That would be a pretty dangerous thing, and would definitely get you "on the edge". It would be the same for these Pokemon, no? If you had described their feelings about how they felt and how the adrenaline was pumping through them at key points, I felt that would've been something that would've dramatically improved your story and really helped it connect with your reader. What I'm looking for is something like this:

    They headed back towards the arena just in time because only seconds after they took their seats again, the man in dressed in a black suit in the middle of the arena grabbed his microphone and said, “And now for our last performance of round one, we have a new contestant! Don’t let his looks fool ya! He’s new to the Pokémon Contest world, but who knows what fresh ideas he may have? Let’s have some applause for Mr. Gus Lee!”

    Gastly took a deep breath. They would be going on stage now to perform for the crowd - the most nerve-wrecking part of the mission. As distasteful as this was to him, Gastly knew he couldn't slip up. With his heart threatening to leap out of his throat, Gastly walked out into the spotlight.
    What I added in the italics is a reaction from Gastly, describing how he feels with the most nerve-wrecking part of the mission. If that had been added in various areas (mainly, major points in the story - when the Poliwag took the initiative would've been a good time to explain how they felt and maybe even slip in a subtle hint at their developing affection towards Contests), your story would've been a much more impacting story to read.

    Still, a nicely done job. Some of the things I pointed out were maybe above the fundamentals of describing stuff in stories, but I would really like to see you expand and develop your descriptions in the future. :)

    Length: You're in the clear, good job.

    Climax: This was by far my favorite part of the story here. The climax of the story was wonderful, in my opinion. Let me start with the epiphanies the Poliwag had. I've been itching to go on about them this whole time. xD I absolutely loved it. It was an out-of-nowhere turning point that I had not expected, and it really shook things up. There were a few subtle hints during the story that I noticed in retrospect, but if anything, that makes it even better. It's kind of like that feeling where if you re-read a book knowing how it ends, you catch a few things you didn't notice before that hint at what happens at the end.

    The reactions I was asking for in the Description section were perfectly executed at the end. The Poliwag talked about their experience during the Contests, and how much they enjoyed it. How it was done with the two Poliwag taking turns was a nice touch, if a little overplayed.

    Another element that I thought was really nice and complimented the epiphanies was how Gastly was revealed. It made the ending bittersweet, and a bittersweet ending is one of the best. Not only that, but the way Gastly was revealed was cool. It was a complete accident, and another out-of-nowhere turning point that was awesome. It would've been nice to add one of those reactions I was talking about earlier when Gastly heard the opponent command Foresight, but either way, it was a good element to add to your climax.

    As much as I liked your climax, it certainly wasn't perfect. One of the main things that bugged me was this:

    Gastly seemed worried, but he closed his eyes, turned around, and said, “I understand. I hope I’ll see you again my friends.”

    “Goodbye!” exclaimed the two Poliwag.

    At that moment, Gastly flew straight towards a wall a disappeared.
    Right after a very nice scene where the Poliwag explained how they felt, this part seemed all too abrupt. What I think is missing here is some of Gastly's thoughts. How did he feel about what the Poliwag just said? It's another one of those reactions I was talking about. Having a character react to another character revealing something can really help your readers understand what's going on, and maximize the impact it makes. As part of the climax, I'd say it's actually a necessary part to include.

    Not only that, but the ending seemed a little too rushed as well. When the female coordinator asked the Poliwag to join her, that felt out of place. Saying she just felt pitiful for them right off the at doesn't cut it, especially since, from her perspective, they belong to a mysterious Gastly/human thing. It just seems unrealistic. A more natural reaction is for her to be wary (if not scared). You could've used that to your advantage, and had her (finish the) battle the Poliwag. Then, you could've had her capture them while using a multitude of reasons to explain why she did it. For example, you could have had the Poliwag show themselves to bear no ill intent (not through speech obviously, but through something else, such as a message sent through their eyes), and then capitalize by repeating that she had wanted Pokemon that could complete her stolen combination in the first place. It would not only be a much more logical way to end it, but it would also put the otherwise irrelevant information to use. The key thing is to make sure that the actions of characters are realistic and logical.

    Despite the somewhat big flaws, I still loved your climax. The epiphanies were genuinely touching, and I'll be honest - it was a great way to end a story. I hope you can learn to avoid the flaws I pointed out for next time, and continue to write amazing endings. :)

    Outcome: Overall, your story was good. As I have pointed out, there were many flaws marking your story. Those need to be remedied, and I hope that this Grade will help you in your future writing. For now, I'm going to say one Poliwag Captured! To get the other one, I suggest adding some character reactions, and/or adding some more to the climax. For my convenience, I'd really appreciate it if any text that you add in is bold-faced.

    Don't let this discourage you, though. I feel that you understand key elements to add to a story, you just need to work on supporting them and putting them together nicely. Hopefully, if you learned anything from my Grade, it'll help make you a better writer. Anyways, PM me for a regrade, and enjoy your one Poliwag for now.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Mission Appeal

    If this were a double Moderate capture, this could have been an appropriate verdict. However, "multiple mon captures are harder" does not mean "two Simple captures = Hard+ level quality standards." This should've been treated somewhere between a single Medium capture and a single Simple capture. The plot/characterization/continuation issues you mentioned were right on the money, and you were very, very right to bring them up. However, they are at a far higher level of analysis than should be taken into consideration when you're deciding whether or not to pass a double-Simple capture.

    Both Poliwag Captured.
    URPG Statistics
    Running Through Daisies

    kers x alaska x zak x derian x scourge x ireign

  5. #5
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
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    Default Re: Mission Appeal

    Oh derp, just realized Poliwag weren't Medium mons. I always keep thinking of them as Medium. I am so sorry, Eraizaa. I remember you talked to me about this, but I still didn't realize they were two Simple mons. My fault completely, sorry. Thanks Scourge for correcting me.


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