Mind journey (WWC; ready for grading)
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    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default Mind journey (WWC; ready for grading)

    I wrote this for the Winter Writing Competition.

    Every day is an adventure. Few realize it, but boring things are also adventure. Why? Because all days never turn out the way they are expected. My adventures are now exhilarating, but they were once boring as well. Back when I was only a little kid, back when I had nothing to worry about. Fast forward years later, and now I know that I have to worry about a lot. With the large amount of paranormal activity happening around the world lately, it's impossible to not have anything to worry about. But anyway, who would've known that my weirdest adventure would take place right inside of me?

    This journey is by far the most puzzling one can take. One of unrealistic proportions, and the base of this weird activity starts at noon, June 22. I don't remember much about the day, but I did know that I was touring Sunyshore City of the Sinnoh region. And if you don't know what it is, it is hands down the brightest city of all regions. When I woke up that one morning though, I saw a Gastly staring directly at me. Also surrounding me were a Drowzee and Natu, though they didn't creep me out as much as Gastly had. There was reason for this too, as I thought Ghost species could only come in the dark, and yet one was appearing in the brightest place of what was possibly the whole entire planet. Somehow though, I suddenly felt dizzy, and collapsed. Soon, I reappeared in the area again, except the three surrounding me were nowhere to be viewed by my eyes. All of the colors in the area were inverted for some reason too. I decided to leave the area to find out what in the world was going on.

    Everywhere I went, things were far from commonplace. Everywhere I went, the place seemed like it were submerged underwater and dim. Never once had I felt I was drowning however, so I knew it was just an illusion. This world was definitely more than an illusion, and I certainly wasn't in Sunyshore City anymore. I decided to dub this area 'Soddenshore Town' and kept seeing what was different. I exited the building and looked around Soddenshore Town and it was almost exactly like Sunyshore City. This meant I was in a parallel dimension of the town, but how would I get back? I decided to explore the town before figuring stuff out, and traveled some more in the awkward dimension. But I practically had a heart attack when I saw what was where the Sunyshore Tower once was. There was absolutely nothing, and I slowly gaited to the spot in sheer shock.

    But before I go on, you might want to know that I'm not very observant. I did not realize that there was a trap door right there until I was above it, and it was too late then. The two flaps opened from under me, and I soon found myself sliding down in the dark. I could faintly see where I was going, and I didn't like what I was viewing. There were split paths in front of me, and I had to choose a path or face some pain from the force of hitting the middle area, and would that hurt.

    I quickly shifted my body weight to my right side, and I narrowly missed a feeling of numbing before I noticed that it was a pattern, which would keep repeating until as far as my eye could see. I slid down the slide, alternating which direction I went down each time. Finally, after what had felt like eternity and an hour, I reached the bottom, landing safely on a bunch of pillows. Suddenly, in front of me, a Shiftry popped out, and used its leafy limbs to blow me away. I quickly got a Ball from my belt, the one containing my Torterra, and tossed it. It quickly hit the ground and promptly shot a beam out from it, making a white silhouette appear.

    However, as the silhouette became a clear view, Torterra wasn't there. Instead, there was a stout green bird in its place; Xatu. Something was definitely going on, I didn't own a Natu. I quickly took the other two Balls from my belt and they sent out other Pokémon. But they both of them were neither my Forretress nor my Sudowoodo. Instead, they were a Gastly and Drowzee. Suddenly, I understood what was going on. This was an illusion, cleverly created from a collaboration of the three. Natu created the illusion, while Drowzee transported everybody into it, and Gastly served a purpose that I didn't know at that time. I was in my mind the whole time, in an illusion I could only escape through a way I didn't know. Either way, I'd literally die on the inside if I didn't get through this fight. I recalled Drowzee and Natu to fight Shiftry, and soon exclaimed "Gastly, use Hypnosis!". Gastly soon started shooting out small yellow circles that grew the farther they went. Soon, they hit Shifty, and the big Pokémon soon fell asleep. I didn't even think about why Gastly obeyed me as I commanded it to use Nightmare. It did so, and the Shiftry was soon acting like it was running from something in its sleep.

    Soon, Gastly then randomly used Toxic without me commanding it to do so. At first I was puzzled as to why it randomly used a move, but then I remembered that I didn't truly own it, and this was just an illusion. Lucky me though, I start glowing and shrinking, soon being transported again. I suddenly was back in the hotel room, almost everything normal. I tried to exit the room, but after strolling to the door, twisting the knob, and pulling it, the weirdness pops back up. In front of me was nothing, and that was just it. It would seem to somebody who just started here as a mystery, but I already knew what had happened. I even started to work up in my mind what role Gastly played in this twisted game. This was a weird adventure already, and it was only just the beginning.

    So if you were somebody that just entered an illusion, you wouldn't have time to think either because that second, the whole room was rumbling. Strangely coming out of the walls were a Camerupt and a Dusknoir. The room began to melt as well. A great situation for me, I was trapped in a room with two strong Pokémon that would most likely attack me. My greatest fears were proven when Dusknoir suddenly vanished in the shadows and attacked me from behind. I quickly identified the move as Shadow Sneak and sent out a Poké Ball, hoping that it would actually contain one of my real Pokémon.

    Luckily for me, my Sudowoodo quickly jumped out of the Poké Ball, noticing what was going on. It, without me commanding a single move or movement, quickly started making rocks rise from the ground, sending them at Dusknoir. It was badly hit, but only suffered minimal damage. Soon, it vaporized, but then appeared in front of Sudowoodo and quickly punched the tree imitation. I quickly commanded Sudowoodo to use Sucker Punch, and it did as said. Suddenly, the Camerupt starting to preparing to shoot fire at somebody, and Dusknoir tried sinking into the shadows again. However, before it could, Sudowoodo moved with incredible speed and punched it hard. Dusknoir was knocked into Camerupt, who in turn was knocked out of the room. I suddenly remembered its melting status and started freaking out.

    For the third time then, everything started changing. However, this time, it changed to shadows, changed shaped, and then regained color. Or at least I think it did; everything was now pitch black. I could only hear the rustle of the wind roaring behind me. Suddenly, a roar came from behind. Light was suddenly regained, but what I saw with my eyes was almost impossible to believe. It turns out the roar was from a Dragonite. And not just any Dragonite, this one was gargantuan. Its yellow stomach covered at least half of the whole confined space I was in. I had to act quickly, and swiftly tossed a Poké Ball. Out of it came a Torterra, my partner. I'd gone through a lot with it, but this was probably the greatest challenge it has faced, maybe even that the greatest it will ever face. However, the fight would never happen. Instead of being attacking, the Dragonite simply picked me and Torterra up, and began flying.

    The next hour was just flying so I'll skip it, but after, the Dragonite dropped me and Torterra into an arena. Now I saw an Aggron in front of me. I now felt my hopes leaping high inside of me as I realized it had a major disadvantage against Torterra. The Aggron quickly tried to ram into Torterra, but it quickly dodged, raised its hind legs, and stomped them as hard as it could. The ground quickly split, and the Aggron felt the shock of the whole disaster, getting knocked back hard into the walls of the stadium. However, Aggron wasn't done, and began to glow white. Half a second later, it stopped glowing, its steel looked brighter than before, and they glistened in the light. An Iron Defense; a move that raises the Defense in battle. This only meant that Torterra's moves wouldn't do as much damage, something I wasn't concerned about. Confidently, I called Torterra to use Leaf Storm, and leaves began to swirl around it. Soon, the leaves were all redirected at Aggron, and it fell down. I had thought that Torterra had won, but the Aggron got back up and hit Torterra. However, it sustained some damage as well, meaning that this was Take Down. Even though it only had one hit, Torterra looked about as ready to faint at this point. The Aggron was a tough cookie, but Torterra was tougher. I quickly yelled "Torterra, use Tackle!", and Torterra rammed into Agronn. Now it was truly fainted, and I was transported again.

    I was getting dizzy from all of this transporting, so it took me a while to realize my location. It was a forest, though I couldn't really tell what was going on it. Then out of nowhere, a Primeape jumped out and landed on my head. It howled, and punched me. I promptly threw a Poké Ball, but a Gastly came out. 'Not this again?' I thought to myself, but I decided to just let it slide again. "Gastly, use Toxic" I said, and it obeyed somewhat. Instead of Toxic though, it used Confuse Ray, bewildering the Primeape even more. To retaliate, it tried to kick Gastly, but it just went through the ball of gas. This was obviously due to the typing, as Fighting-type moves would never hit a Ghost-type and that was most certainly a Fighting-type move. I quickly commanded a Mean Look from Gastly. However, it wouldn't obey me any more. Its eyes quickly turned red, and Primeape suddenly started screeching. It as the ghost version of Curse, which damaged every time interval by sacrificing some health. Primeape quickly tried to use Karate Chop, but instead went the direction opposite from Gastly; definitely one of the frustrating times when you're confused. Gastly quickly licked Primeape, and it fainted from the side effect of Curse combined with the lick.

    At a time like this, I sort of expected to be teleported again. Instead, nothing happened and I was left to explore the area. I searched around, until I stumbled on a cave. Being the person I am, I just went into it not even thinking about the consequences. I didn't even remember the common threat of Ursaring, which I know from personal experience is a frightening thing. When I entered the cave though, something even more creepy was there. A sea of Crobat were there, and all were staring at me. After some time, they started to screech and chase after me, and all I could do was run. When I was finished running, I was panting like crazy. I wasn't in a forest anymore, but in the middle of the desert. When you're tired and in an arid area, it's hard to feel good.

    Luckily for me, the scenery changed at that point, and to Snowpoint City. I was feeling good for a couple seconds, but the cold started getting to me after that. After all, I was in a relatively frigid area with no jacket or sweater. Or at least, I was in an illusion of one, albeit a very well crafted one. I just went around the town, and eventually found the Snowpoint Temple. I very well hoped that it would have something to get out of this illusion. I entered the stone building, and I took the risk of the building potentially collapsing on top of me. I looked in front of me, and found that much of the floor in the temple was ice. There was also many ways to go down, not up, meaning that any exit to the real world would be at the bottom. I thought through my head that maybe, just maybe, I could slide my way to the bottom.

    Throughout the way, I ran into some ice-types, some Zubat, and even a Geodude, but nothing major ever faced me in the temple. I was shocked by that; it was an ancient temple, it should have some sort of challenge. And as luck would have it, there was a challenge. At the bottom of the temple was a statue of something ancient. I read what was written near it, which strangely happened to be in English. Apparently, this was a very strong species from the past who towed the continents together, something sacred. I wouldn't want to mess with something like that, but the statue reanimated at that point. Thoughts of dying flooded my mind, my whole life flashed through my eyes. Thankfully though, the Pokémon was peaceful like Dragonite. It simply walked away, and disappeared mysteriously. In front of me was a portal, and I walked through it.

    Where I ended up from them though was far from the real world. It was just Pallet Town of Kanto. Simply not caring anymore, I start walking south, paying no heed to the crowds running the opposite direction. Everything now seemed real, but I knew that it. There was also the rampaging Gyarados that proved my right. I just sent out Sudowoodo and told it to use Rock Slide, and then Wood Hammer. It obeyed, but attacked unenthusiastically; it was probably bored of everything just like me. However, Gyarados used Aqua Tail by picking up its tail and crashing it down into the waters. Sudowoodo was knocked out instantly, and I sent out Forretress. It was definitely enthusiastic; after all, it didn't battle any time throughout this whole illusionary adventure, and basically had no reason to be bored of battling. I quickly commanded it to use Selfdestruct, and it exploded, fainting both the Gyarados and it.

    I just decided to search for the three troublemakers now because I was sure getting bored. I traveled all the way to Viridian City, and I felt exhausted. Suddenly, an old woman came and said "You and your party look tired. Would you like to stay here? Yes that would be a good idea. Stay here for the night". Something about her offer seemed weird, so I replied by saying "No thank you" as politely as I could. Once I exited the house and was far from its view, I found a Pokémon Center to rest in for however long was necessary. By the time I 'woke up', I was energetic and ready to go. And go I did; I made it all the way to Vermilion City with barely anything holding me back for more than a few seconds at a time. When I reached the city though, I realized I had no idea where to go. Now I realized I wasn't as bored because I had something to pass the time with.

    Suddenly, in the midst of the town, I heard a rustle in the tree behind me. Out of it came, not Gastly, Drowzee, or Natu, but a Magemite, and a very hyper one at that. It started buzzing like crazy, and scurried around, as if it didn't have a care in the world. Soon enough, sparks started coming out of it, hitting the tree and burning it down to only a stout trunk. I had a strong gut feeling that the sparks would soon hit me, and would do more than just some singeing, so I sent out my Torterra. It saw the Magnemite, and leaped after it, sucking energy from the floating magnet. I was amazed at how high it could jump, due to how much Torterra weigh and other information along those lines, but it didn't matter. The Magnemite crashed into the ground, it definitely being fainted.

    Suddenly, the most random thing happened. Out of nowhere, the old woman from way back in Viridian City came back, with the eyes of a demon. Suddenly, she began to grow, until she was as giant as that Dragonite from earlier. There was a look of pure evil in her eyes, and if you stared into them long enough, you probably would have melted and be left as a puddle. Now she was definitely a demo. Her voice boomed "YOU SHALL SLEEP". Something told me she had gone insane, so I decided to escape. A sign nearby read "DIGLETT'S CAVE, on the east side of town", and that seemed way better than a crazy old woman. I quickly dashed to the area, with the demon on my tail, and finally made it to the cave. The space was packed tight, with a small passage leading to a lower part in the cave. I quickly slid down to the lower part, and suddenly heard a crash behind me. The demon was chasing me still by breaking the cave! I quickly ran farther and farther until I found a passage leading up. It was better than nothing, and suddenly there were three separate paths in front. They all looked like they led to faraway areas, so I picked one randomly and hoped for the best.

    Finally, I saw the light in front of me; an exit at last. The noises of the demon were long gone, so I successfully escaped it! Unfortunately for me, I still had no idea of what I was doing. With the demon on my tail, I had even more to worry about. Suddenly, I felt the scene changing again and instantly fainted. When I woke up again, everything looked like silhouettes. I now decided to guess that I was in the shadows, which meant that Gastly did this. I finally knew what all three did, but now everything was 2D and it was nearly impossible to navigate through this area. Suddenly, what looked like a small ball rolled toward me. It wasn't floating (or at least I think it wasn't), so I presumed it wasn't a Gastly. It turns out I was right as it suddenly shot something at me. It felt sort of like icicles, which let me come to the conclusion that it was a Spheal.

    Some gut instinct told me it was a threat, so I sent out Torterra. However, it was as utterly confused as me, and just used Earthquake. Luckily, the Spheal was within range, so it got hit and rolled away. Maybe in fear, maybe from boredom, I couldn't tell because I couldn't see its face. Either way, the scenery changed again, making this probably this smallest time between transitions. I was soon back in Soddenshore, and the Shiftry was still there, napping. Gastly was present in front of me, and suddenly the Shiftry cringed in its rest. I sifted through my memory and recalled that Gastly used Toxic to poison the Shiftry. Suddenly, the Shiftry awoke, but it fell over right after. Apparently it had fainted from the poisoning, leaving me to venture deeper into the area. Along the way, I thought about that whole adventure that had happened, and finally it had occurred to me: Gastly itself used Nightmare on me after doing something to make me sleep!

    Something about the Gastly remaining around me now felt unsettling. It could pull this type of trick again, or it might do something else; the possibilities were endless. I had to get away from it, and quick. I soon found that I was running, an that Gastly was following me wherever I went. However, when I was totally unsure of my location, I suddenly tripped. This gave the ball of gas enough time to catch up. I knew I couldn't outrun the Gastly now, so I decided to use Natu or Drowzee to fight it. I quickly picked a Ball from my belt, and threw it. Instantly, a stout green bird came out. I instantly yelled "Natu, use Future Sight!" Natu obeyed, and its eyes suddenly turned red, but soon transitioned back to their regular color. The Gastly soon sent waves to the Natu, but it quickly hopped away. "Psychic!" I commanded, and the Gastly was knocked into a nearby wall, going into the framework but coming back out. Suddenly, a huge blast impacted the Gastly. The Future Sight had come at a surprise to easily tire it. However, the Gastly used Hypnosis, this time hitting the Natu. It started napping, and Gastly soon used Toxic. Luckily for me, Natu woke up and hopped away from the poison. It definitely had the ability 'Early Bird', which meant that its sleep was half as long as those without the ability.

    I soon found myself recalling Natu and running again, and the Gastly didn't bother following. Eventually, I reached a panel, which turned out to be a door. I opened it up and jumped down to the bottom. Standing in front of me was a man, digging away, meaning I have reached the current bottom of the maze. However, he probably noticed my presence, as he quickly turned around. He was far from joyous however, exclaiming "What are you doing here! Don't you know of the Gastly here?!". "Now I do" I replied. "Well, you should quickly leave." he said. I could tell things weren't that great. "Why?" I asked, and he quickly said "because that Gastly has been terrorizing us all, causing people to get into illusions. How? I guess it struck a deal with a Darkrai or something". "Or a Natu and Drowzee" I muttered to myself, immediately realizing that this is an illusion and that nobody except me knows who is doing the behind-the-scenes actions in it. "Is there any way I can help?" I asked. "Yes, by staying out of its path" he began. "Too many that try to stop it get hurt in the process". "Well, I have somethings that could help me stop" I replied, "so could you kindly tell me where I can find the Gastly?" "Fine, it's your death. It wanders the halls of this underground maze, fighting anybody that it sees. You know some the Shiftry of somebody trying to find it was found poisoned just an hour ago?" I shuddered, knowing how that happened.

    I thanked the man and quickly found a way back up. I charged through the maze, going back and forth through its walls until I saw a familiar black ball of gas. This time though, it was humongous and actually looked terrifying instead of goofy, like it normally does. It soon saw me and scowled, meaning that this issue definitely couldn't be settled with peace. It lunged at me and I quickly jumped to the side and threw a Poké Ball. Drowzee soon came out of it, and I could tell when its eyes widened that it knew Gastly was abusing its power of controlling the illusion. Soon, Natu jumped out of the other Poké Ball and the three started fighting with me only being able to watch the action. The Drowzee soon shot a beam at Gastly, and it dodged and threw a dark sphere at Natu while it fired a Hypnosis at the Gastly. I was horrified at what I was seeing, but couldn't redirect my eyes to somewhere else. Even if I did battle, I never based any of them on sheer distrust or hatred.

    The three kept knocking each other around for the next couple of hours. As a result, I turned away, but just at that moment, I heard a very loud racket. They were now going into an all out fight, firing every move they could use. Now I was definitely frightened; I never knew those three species could pack so much power in every move they had. Soon everything became redundant, and I began to leave until I heard a thud. Both Natu and Drowzee had fallen onto the ground, fainted from Gastly's abusive power. Their eyes told me that I had to leave. But how would I return to the real world? I thought and thought, but could not think of any area where I would be able to find a portal. Eventually, Gastly was coming closer and closer to me until it eventually reached me. But soon, it froze. I myself couldn't move, and everything else stood static as well. It was as if everything were frozen by some invisible force. I wasn't sure about what it was, but I had a good idea of what was causing it.

    Now for the last time, I started feeling dizzy yet again. After how ever many minutes or hours, I soon woke up in what seemed to be actual real world. To check and see if I wasn't in just another illusion, I looked all around, even beyond the room, and everything seemed real. Drowzee and Natu must've wanted Gastly's corrupted form to stay sealed inside the illusion so that it would not wreck the actual world, so they closed up the illusion, sending out any actual objects or lifeforms that were sucked into it besides Gastly of course. I soon left the hotel to exit the town, but right when I went around one corner, I saw two familiar faces.

    As I had guessed, they were Natu and Drowzee; ready for an actual right against me. I sent out my Forretress, and it joyfully exited the ball. "Forretress, use Gyro Ball!" I commanded, and Forretress soon began spinning until it appeared that it could no longer be stopped. Eventually, it fired itself at Natu, skillfully knocking it into Drowzee. However, they were not done fighting. Simultaneously, they fired a series of waves at Forretress. It was quick though, and merely dodged them as the waves as they arrived in its direction. However, Drowzee soon sent another pack of waves, this time hitting Forretress. It made a loud thud as it fell to the ground falling asleep. Soon, Drowzee started sucking energy from Forretress's nostrils, a trick I remember that was one Drowzee are known to do. I had no idea what to do, and without knowing what I was doing, threw a Ball from my pocket. Out of it came Torterra, and soon I commanded "Forretress, please wake up! Torterra, use Crunch on Drowzee!". Forretress was still napping with Drowzee sucking its energy, but Torterra zipped to Drowzee, opened its mouth, and closed them with the tapir-like creature inside. As a result, the flow of energy between Drowzee and Forretress was instantly cut off. Soon, Forretress came back from its slumber.

    Instantly, Drowzee tried firing a Hypnosis at Torterra. However, it reacted instantly by using Synthesis. The waves hit Torterra, making it sleep, but the large amount of sunlight instantly woke it up. Next, Torterra sent an array of leaves at Drowzee, each almost piercing through the Pokémon. Soon, Drowzee, overwhelmed by the sheer pressure, fell to the ground fainted. I soon realized I completely disregarded Natu, and it was pecking away at Forretress. Soon, Forretress too fell to the ground from the attacks. It was now a 1v1 battle between Torterra and Natu. I was pretty confident I was going to win before, but seeing what that Natu did to my Forretress, my hopes started fading away. However, I did not give up, and instead commanded "Torterra, use Crunch!". Soon, after rushing to the tiny bird, its mouth began gaping open again, and closed with much of Natu inside. However, the Natu was intelligent, and somehow jumped fully into its mouth and managed to make Torterra sleep while retaining inside of the gargantuan tortoise.

    Interestingly, the Natu managed to escape the mouth in an awkward fashion as well. Torterra soon began screaming, and the tiny bird simply slipped out of its mouth during the interval. However, the act wouldn't come without consequences for it as Torterra woke up. Upon awakening, it started filling in the blanks of time with imagination, it apparently had a good idea of what Natu did. Right after, I commanded "Torterra, use Tackle". It obeyed, ramming into Natu hard. Natu was fired into a nearby tree, which was now probably struggling to stand up. However, the Natu didn't give up. Instead, it tried lifting up Torterra using its psychic powers, but the gargantuan creature must've been too heavy, because it was barely off the ground when Natu started panting heavily. Finally, it fell from the pressure and Torterra hit the ground. I decided now was the best time to capture both, considering Drowzee was fainted and Natu was exceedingly close to. I sifted through my Bag, and found two clean Poké Balls. Finally, I tossed them at the Natu and Drowzee. They kept wriggling, and I was waiting with anticipation to see what happened. Finally, the outcome was revealed, and I bet you're wondering what happened. Well, I'll just leave it up to you to find that out...

    Targets: Natu and Drowzee
    Groupings: Medium, and Medium
    Characters: 20,000 to 40,000 characters
    Actually: About 27,500 characters
    Last edited by Turtwig A; 20th April 2011 at 05:28 PM. Reason: Forgot to remove this

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?

    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

  2. #2
    Angry about Outer Heavens ChainReaction01's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    South Australia

    Default Re: Mind journey (WWC; ready for grading)

    So, I'mma claim this cos it's like four and a half months old. Also, I was told to, and I'm a good boy :D
    URPG Stats
    Ranger Chapter | Referee Chapter | Grader Chapter | Judge Chapter
    ~No one understands how important sex is better than someone who isn't having any.~

    "ALLAREFRED" WinterVines 7:15 pm
    nightgowns aren't for sleeping silly

  3. #3
    Angry about Outer Heavens ChainReaction01's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    South Australia

    Default Re: Mind journey (WWC; ready for grading)


    Okay, so because this is one of the longest stories I’ve ever graded, I’m going to try writing my introduction section in a new way. I’m going to write down my thoughts as I read it, and then collate them at the end.

    Your first paragraph was very intriguing. It sounds like this is going to be some kind of mental adventure, which is interesting. Most stories involve people moving around physically and doing things, so a story that takes place entirely inside someone’s head is a cool concept. There are all kinds of ways that could be spun, and I’m excited.

    …Okay, things are weird now. Three Pokemon have appeared, presumably at someone’s bedside, although that’s not mentioned. They seem to do something to him, though, but what it is hasn’t been elaborated on yet. It’s all a bit confusing, but considering the very beginning, it might be explained later on, so it’s fine for now.

    Hmmm, the strange dimension of Soddenshore Town isn’t getting any less weird, and now the protagonist has managed to fall down a trapdoor of some sort. I’m pretty sure that by now the introduction has to have ended, so I’m going to wrap up this part of the grade. The first paragraph was very promising, but the rest of your introduction is confusing and vague. This might be on purpose though, considering the seemingly mental slant of this story, so how good your introduction is will depend entirely on how much sense it makes in hindsight.


    …This was an… interesting story. The theme that you seemed to be working towards in your introduction was one of mental struggles and anguishes, and I began to hope for some kind of story in which the protagonist is very introspective, or something. Instead, the story is about some Pokemon who kidnap the protagonist and take him to a land of illusions, which is fine too, but your story doesn’t really sync up to your introduction particularly well.

    Anyway, the plot centres around our un-named protagonist, who is accosted shortly after waking up by a group of Pokemon – a Gastly, a Natu, and a Drowzee. They transport the hero through various different places, each place an illusion, and most of the places involving a short Pokemon fight. Eventually the protagonist ends up at the core of the illusion, and finds another person that’s been trapped within. He discovers that the Gastly has been trapping multiple people in the web of illusions. Apparently it made a deal of some sort with the Natu and the Drowzee, and the hero decides to go find it and defeat it.

    He finds the Gastly, and confronts it along with the Natu and Drowzee, who are appalled by the misuse of their power. After a battle, the Natu and Drowzee apparently manage to lock the Gastly up inside the illusion it created and expel all the living beings safely. The main character awakens and finds the two Psychic types outside his hotel. He then battles them, attempting to capture them, which is where the story ends.

    It’s actually a pretty good story, but the problem is that it’s not told very well. You need to have more practise at managing the flow of a story. Good stories build slowly in tension and excitement (excepting perhaps the occasional rise and dip to keep the readers off their feet) and it should all peak towards the end. This story would have benefitted a lot more if it was paced a bit better – phrases like “the next hour was just flying so I’ll skip it” or “knocking each other around for the next couple of hours” take away from the urgency of the story. Try to avoid these blatant timeskips, or at least hide them somehow.


    There’s very little dialogue in your story – the only real conversation happens about three quarters of the way through. The first thing I want to say is that whenever someone speaks, or the speaker changes, you need to start a new paragraph. I couldn’t really figure out what was going on, but the lack of paragraphing wasn’t the only reason – the punctuation wasn’t 100% either. Here’s a couple things that you did and the proper way they should have been done:

    "What are you doing here! Don't you know of the Gastly here?!".
    "Too many that try to stop it get hurt in the process".
    You don’t need to put a period on the end of every sentence – just some kind of punctuation mark like an exclamation or question mark. Also, they belong inside the double quotes, not outside. Some examples of this:

    She turned to me and said, “That man looks evil.”

    “What do we do now?” Jimmy asked.
    “Well, I guess we keep walking,” Sarah replied.
    “Even though we don’t know where to go?”
    “Yes! There’s nothing else we can do!”


    Aside from this, there is nothing wrong with having a story with little conversation (or indeed, none at all). The lack of dialogue in this story wasn’t bad at all, especially considering the fact that it was a mental journey through illusions. In fact, one could say that the whole story itself was one long piece of mental dialogue.


    Okay, I don’t mean to be offensive, but your grammar in this story was not good. There were many small mistakes, and a couple big ones. I’m not going to draw attention to all of them, because I hate nitpicking, but I’ve quoted some of the major ones below. Also, just quickly, you should read up on how to paragraph stories properly – I advise the How to Write Freaking Stories thread. Anyway, some quotes of things that need to be fixed up:

    There was reason for this too, as I thought Ghost species could only come in the dark, and yet one was appearing in the brightest place of what was possibly the whole entire planet.
    That possibly is in the wrong place. At the moment, it sounds like Sunyshore City might be the planet in its entirety, which I am about 95% sure it isn’t. I think you meant to say something along the lines of “and yet one was appearing in what was possibly the brightest place of the whole entire planet.” In that sentence, you’re applying the possibly to the claim that it is the brightest place in the world as opposed to the claim that it is the whole entire planet.

    But I practically had a heart attack when I saw what was where the Sunyshore Tower once was.
    Try not to start sentences with conjunctions. Sometimes it works, but here it doesn’t. Best to just play it safe and not do it ever.

    I even started to work up in my mind what role Gastly played in this twisted game.
    Uhhh, “work out in your mind”, maybe?

    Suddenly, the Camerupt starting to preparing to shoot fire at somebody, and Dusknoir tried sinking into the shadows again.
    I think you meant the Camerupt “started preparing to shoot fire”.

    The Aggron quickly tried to ram into Torterra, but it quickly dodged, raised its hind legs, and stomped them as hard as it could.
    Try to avoid using similar words within the same sentence, it breaks the flow of the story. This also counts for the exact same word, “quickly” in this case. You could have replaced the second “quickly” with “suddenly” or “unexpectedly”.

    Everything now seemed real, but I knew that it. There was also the rampaging Gyarados that proved my right.
    I think that’s meant to be “Everything now seemed real, but I knew that it wasn’t. There was also the rampaging Gyarados that proved me right”.

    In addition to all these small errors (and I haven’t even quoted all of them) you have a tendency of using really strange semi-synonyms in places that make them sound out of place. It kind of feels like you’ve done this in order to stretch out the character count of the story. I’ve quoted a couple just below:

    Soon, I reappeared in the area again, except the three surrounding me were nowhere to be viewed by my eyes.
    Unless you’re deliberately meaning to use “reappear”, which I’m very sure you’re not, I think you meant “awoke” or something that indicates you’ve left the realms of subconsciousness. Also, “viewed by my eyes” feels choppy – couldn’t you just have written “seen”?

    Dusknoir was knocked into Camerupt, who in turn was knocked out of the room. I suddenly remembered its melting status and started freaking out.
    Again, cumbersome turn of phrase. “I suddenly remembered that the room was melting and started freaking out” would have been better, and I think it even has more characters, if that’s what you’re trying to do.


    Your story had very few satisfying descriptions. Every now and then you’d talk about the environs appearing as if they were underwater, or the Dusknoir sinking into some shadows, but on the whole you didn’t really describe anything. I didn’t learn anything about the physical attributes of the protagonist – I didn’t even learn his name. You didn’t describe any of the Pokemon except the Gastly – any readers of this would be incredibly confused as to what was going on if they didn’t know the looks or abilities of a Camerupt or a Drowzee. You also didn’t describe many attacks, usually referring to them as simple tackling attacks or “rings”. It would have been nice if you talked about the colours of the rings or something.

    Another thing I didn’t particularly like was how the protagonist was never described, or even named. It really left me with at a loss regarding what I was supposed to be seeing – did the man wandering around in Soddenshore Town have long blonde hair, or short brown hair? Was he fat or thin? Hell, was he even a man? Excepting stories that are designed to involve the reader directly, you should always describe your characters, or at least handwave the fact that their features aren’t easily visible.

    There were a few strange mistakes in your various battle scenes in addition to this as well. Some of the more glaring ones are quoted below:

    It was badly hit, but only suffered minimal damage.
    Those two observations are completely contrasted. I don’t know what to believe – was the Dusknoir wounded badly or not? And if it was only lightly hurt, how could it possibly have been “badly hit”?

    Instead, there was a stout green bird in its place; Xatu. Something was definitely going on, I didn't own a Natu.
    Uhhh, from later in the paragraph I assume it’s a Natu, not a Xatu, but that jerked me right out of the story. Be careful of careless typos like this.

    I had thought that Torterra had won, but the Aggron got back up and hit Torterra. However, it sustained some damage as well, meaning that this was Take Down.
    How did you know that it had taken recoil damage? Did it slow down, or wince as it performed the attack, or were there dents and cracks in its steel armour? This is actually a pretty common oversight for authors – good writers will provide reasoning behind the things that happen in battles, as opposed to simply handwaving them or stating that they happen and leave it at that.

    Also, the Drowzee faints in the final battle, but you are still able to attempt a capture. I don’t know of any occurrence of this happening in any piece of Pokemon canon, except sporadically in the anime perhaps. There’s nothing viciously wrong with this, but you should be careful from straying randomly from accepted canon.

    Lastly, your protagonist seems to be telling the story to someone, seeing as he is speaking in first person and keeping using phrases like “I’ll skip over this bit” or “I’ll just leave it up to you to find that out”, but you never do anything with it. Framing devices are a tricky thing to work with, but unless you feel completely secure in your skills you should probably stay away from them.


    I count your story as being 27,663 characters long, which is more than enough for the required minimum count of two Medium Pokemon. This is interesting, because all the random illusions at the beginning give the feeling that you tried to stretch this story out a bit. It makes sense in context when you said that originally this story was going for a Gastly as well, but now the lengthening just detracts from the story now, not adding anything at all. It ruins the flow, like I mentioned in the Plot section.


    Your climax was quite good, easily the best battle in your story. It was a double battle too, which was impressive. It was also the best described battle, and was quite imaginative – I particularly liked how you used Synthesis to overcome sleep, and how Crunch was more than a simple biting attacking. In fact, the climax of this story was perhaps the best part of it, which is awesome – in most stories, the climax is where the story is weak, but this is strong.

    The only problem I have with it (aside from the issues I have talked about earlier) is that I don’t particularly understand why the Natu and Drowzee came back to fight the protagonist, let alone even escape the pocket dimension where the Gastly was locked up. I mean, I can imagine solutions, but I shouldn’t have to – I’m a viewer, not the creator. You should give us a reason, like how the Natu or Drowzee were free to take back their power whenever they wished.


    This story has promise – an interesting plot that’s different from anything I read before, and the final battle was quite enjoyable and imaginative. However, unfortunately, nothing else goes right. It’s not paragraphed or paced right, and it’s literally riddled with grammar errors, most of which could have been picked up easily by a proof-reading or two.

    Natu and Drowzee Not Captured…

    There is no doubt in my mind that this story, or the plot at least, is worthy of these two Pokemon, and perhaps even the Gastly if you work on it really hard. As it stands currently, though, I cannot give you either. Go fix up the grammar and paragraphing, and perhaps even take out a couple of the illusion sections early that don’t offer anything. Add in some descriptions and lengthen out the early battles, and I’ll happily give you these two Pokemon. PM/VM/IM me for a regrade when this is done.
    URPG Stats
    Ranger Chapter | Referee Chapter | Grader Chapter | Judge Chapter
    ~No one understands how important sex is better than someone who isn't having any.~

    "ALLAREFRED" WinterVines 7:15 pm
    nightgowns aren't for sleeping silly


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