A Meteoric Tale!

Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: A Meteoric Tale!

  1. #1
    Trainer Ordinaire evanfardreamer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    788

    Default A Meteoric Tale!

    The sky was streaked with crimson and ochre as the blazing sun set behind distant mountains. The last rays of its light reflected off the high, streaked clouds, stretching the day’s twilight well past normal. A large forest near the town of Celadon began to slowly stir, the nocturnal creatures within becoming more active as the light faded.

    Deep in the forest, a clearing amidst the tall aspens and mighty oaks gave a beautiful view of the sky as the stars began to reestablish their dominance in the heavens. Amidst the thick undergrowth, creatures began moving slowly about their habitual paths, whether foraging for food, trying to avoid becoming food, searching for mates, or spreading their spores and pollen.

    A large lilac bush in full bloom near the edge of the clearing rustled quietly. A group of several round, blue creatures crept forward into the open on stubby legs; atop their heads were long, broad leaves of a deep green. They wandered slowly across the meadow, occasionally pausing to look around them or nibble on grass shoots that poked out of the ground.

    The largest of them, and the first one who had stepped from the bush, was also the first to reach the center of the clearing. It sat down gently, staring up at the dispersing clouds overhead. The others grouped nearby and did the same, spreading the fronds on their head to catch as much starlight as they could.

    They sat this way for an hour, leaves lined with a silvery luminescence. Suddenly, the largest one stiffened; over the crowns of the trees began the ponderous rise of the moon, swollen and full. The light it shed nearly returned the clearing to the visibility during the day, and more creatures crept from the underbrush to take in its light.

    Something was odd about it, though. As it moved towards the apex of the sky, a dark shadow seemed to advance across its surface. It started as a small sliver on the forward edge that slowly grew larger, a round bite that hid its luminescence and darkened the forest floor.

    The Pokémon in the clearing were frightened, as they had never seen this happen before. Brown Pidgey in the treetops took startled flight; purple Ekans slithered deeper into their tunnels and holes, and the scrawny Bellsprout fled the area en masse.

    Only the blue Oddish in the center remained transfixed, though they began to shed tears that they were losing the source of their life and energy. Just as the shadow devoured the last of the moon, an unearthly radiance of green and red whorls lit the skies.

    The Pokémon that had fled the clearing only panicked harder, for all they saw were the crimson and emerald lights filtering through the forest canopy. All in the forest, however, heard and began to feel a building roar, of some object rushing towards them from the sky.

    The Oddish saw a brilliant streak of silver and red streaming across the sky; it hurtled quickly from one end of the sky to the other. Rushing flames seemed to surround it, and smaller specks of the same radiance flaked away and fell more slowly towards the earth.

    A thunderous impact after it had left the sky signaled the end of the meteor’s descent; it shook the trees and rattled the bushes, though all the Pokémon nearby had already fled in mindless panic. The grouped Oddish were thrown askew, and the unnatural colors in the sky faded back to the black of the night sky, bereft of moon.

    Smaller impacts sounded around them as the meteorite fragments crashed down into the forest. Blazing fires erupted in the vegetation, which sparked the Oddish into motion – they knew how to deal with fire. They ran as quickly as their stubby legs would carry them away from the searing heat towards the large, shallow river that ran through the forest.

    Their plans were interrupted, however, when one of the falling shards crashed into the path ahead of them, throwing fragments of rock, clods of dirt, and embers over the Weed Pokémon. All were disoriented, but one of them suffered a serious burn from a flying stone chip that knocked it prone.

    “Oddish!” it shrieked. “Odd, Oddish!”

    The others gathered around it, laying the tips of their leaves against the burned spot. With tears in its eyes, it stretched its leaves out to its friends, and all were lined with a momentary glow. The burned spot healed from the absorbed energy of the other Pokémon, allowing it to stand and run once more.

    Skirting the still-smoking crater, they continued their journey. Ahead of them, they could hear the sounds of the river, and ran as quickly as they were able. Sheets of flame surrounded them as the trees and bushes were consumed by the raging inferno, and the heat pressed against the Pokémon as they strode towards their salvation.

    They finally reached the banks of the river and plunged into the water, recovering noticeably from the sweltering heat. They waded and swam across the slow current to reach a small, rocky island in the middle, joining a pair of pink Nidoran and a singed Exeggutor.

    Together they watched the ravenous flames decimate their section of the forest, burning the tall trees down to cinders and stumps. As the cloud of smoke began to clear, the light of the restored moon shone down on the small island, and all the Pokémon gathered there basked in its radiance.

    Only the largest Oddish noticed the small, pink figure with black eartips, a circular tail, and spiky, pink fins at its shoulders. It crept from upstream, and climbed down into the crater where they had nearly lost one of their number. Moments later, it climbed back out, carring a large opalescent shard of rock; tucking it under its arm, it made its way back upstream.

    The Oddish frowned at this, but turned, regarded its friends, and put the oddity out of its mind. It was just happy to be alive after its ordeal.

    Target Pokemon: Oddish, with 5,758 chars.
    Thanks for reading!
    Evan F's Stats

    Long Live the Ghost Dojo!

  2. #2
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    2,940
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default Re: A Meteoric Tale!

    I'll claim this.

    I GOT MONEY IN MY BANK ACCOUNT, FUCK A BANK ACCOUNT - SOULJA BOY

    [18:11] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) nitro, you in here?
    [18:11] Nitro: hello
    [18:12] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) knew there was another cool guy in here

    [URPG Chat]
    3:44:43 (silverxchrome) Nitro is attractive. Source: I'm a girl.

  3. #3
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    2,940
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default Re: A Meteoric Tale!

    Plot: Very interesting plot. Meteors falling are always interesting, and your great descriptions made it really enjoyable to read the story. In addition, I loved the introduction. You described the setting well in your introduction, and you did so with language that kept me hooked.

    That being said, this plot could've been expanded on. Though it only is for an Oddish, I felt the end was way too sudden and a bit inconclusive. I understand that expectations are low for an Oddish, but the whole thing seems kind of random. If you're planning to continue with this plot, then things make much more sense. As it is right now, however, the whole thing is not really a complete plot to me. One thing you missed that is a vital element to any story is a climax. Though you had the Oddish navigate the meteoric storm, there was no one part that really stood out. You definitely need that one part where everything in the story boils down to one relevant climax.

    I said it was interesting and enjoyable to read; I do not take back that statement. The problem with your plot was that it was too plain, random and inconclusive. Your storyline as a whole was simply a bit too boring, even for an Oddish.

    To improve this for next time, however, it would be cool if you provided a climax. Some legitimate challenges for the Oddish other than navigating their way out of the meteoric storm (because that was the whole plot of this story). Something resembling a battle or a challenge (challenge works better for this story) would be nice, because that is one of the key elements of a URPG story.

    Length: Passed. However, adding a climax would've made the story longer, and that's always helpful.

    Grammar: Very clean, good job. Just one thing I would like to mention:

    The Oddish frowned at this, but turned, regarded its friends, and put the oddity out of its mind.
    This sentence sounds awkward. It would be much better if you split it up into two seperate sentences.

    However, one awkward sentence hardly detracts from the overall product. As I said, it was very clean. Great job here.

    Description: As I said earlier, you did a great job here. I feel this is one area where you can hang your hat on.

    In the introduction, you did a great job laying out the setting in which this story took place. Throughout the remainder of the story, you continued to describe many things, and it really helped me understand what was going on. I could literally imagine the scene you were trying to paint in my hand, and that's ideal.

    One thing I feel you could've added was some descriptions that were not visual. You had a couple, but I feel that in this type of story, you could've added more. In particular, describing the scent of the smoke from the fires would've added a lot more to the story. The overwhelming smoke might've made it much harder for them to breathe, for example. It would've helped the reader understand what the Oddish were going through beyond just something they saw.

    However, this definitely was one of the strongest parts of your story. Your attention to detail made the story so much more impactful to the reader (me), and I felt it was really strong. Great job.

    Battle: As I said in the plot, there was no battle or climax. A battle isn't necessary, but a climax is. Without a climax, your story ended leaving me feeling as if this story was missing something.

    A climax is a vital element of any type of story. Without it, your story becomes less eventful and exciting. Not having one greatly detracts from the overall story.

    Outcome: Despite your great descriptions and the fact that this is for an Oddish, I feel that without a climax, your story is simply incomplete. For now, Oddish Not Captured. Spend 5-15 minutes throwing in a climax around the end (I understand it will be a bit forced, but at least make an effort to have it flow), and you should get your Oddish. PM or VM me when you're done with your editing.

    I GOT MONEY IN MY BANK ACCOUNT, FUCK A BANK ACCOUNT - SOULJA BOY

    [18:11] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) nitro, you in here?
    [18:11] Nitro: hello
    [18:12] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) knew there was another cool guy in here

    [URPG Chat]
    3:44:43 (silverxchrome) Nitro is attractive. Source: I'm a girl.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •