Memorial Bay Showdown. An Arrogant Trainer’s Pledge

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Thread: Memorial Bay Showdown. An Arrogant Trainer’s Pledge

  1. #1
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Sep 2009

    Default Memorial Bay Showdown. An Arrogant Trainer’s Pledge

    Target Pokemon: Cottonee
    Target Length: 10000 – 20000
    Actual Length: 18592

    Memorial Bay Showdown. An Arrogant Trainer’s Pledge

    Rainbow Canyon Chronicles: Enter – Lawrence & Andrew

    In Rainbow Canyon. There existed an old musty graveyard, which was full of long lost Pokemon souls. Hidden within the Graveyard area was a creature. This creature was a very silent creature that hid in the shadows away from the outside world. It was a white, circular Pokemon with puffy sections on the top of its head and its underside. Behind it is a green, star shaped section similar to the area where a plant connects to its produce. Similarly, it peered out of the shadows for a moment and revealed its orange, oval-shaped eyes. This silent cotton Pokemon had sharp leaves notched on the sides of its body and lived peacefully alone.

    Rainbow Canyon’s Memorial Bay existed where Pokemon were buried or cremated. Many candles and flowers were rested next to the tombstones, which showed respect. Tall grass was overgrown around the garden and crowded around the stony graves.

    Suddenly a tall, beefy man appeared near the field. This man was clean-shaven and in his forties. He wore big brown boots and wore a leather vest that was musty brown. He had a big capture net. His net was to capture the silent Cottonee.

    Cottonee suddenly heard the chunky man and reacted with a grassy wave. The grassy wave materialised from the shadows and shafted at the poacher like man. He was dazzled for a moment and then lunged for Cottonee…

    Meanwhile, not so far away. A trainer called Lawrence strolled along a rocky, pathway. He wore a plain white sailor’s suit and shiny white trousers, which matched the sparkly black shoes that glistened in the sunlight. This sailor like trainer had short, brown hair.

    Lawrence was about to walked in the direction of the Memorial Bay where the Cottonee lived. An old man tagged along on with Lawrence and his name was Andrew. Andrew was an old man. He was a small person with ancient grey hair, but there was not much left because of old age. He wore brown fragile rags for clothes and he had a walking stick, which was long to keep him up right.

    “Hey, want a battle?” shouted a voice. The voice was high-pitched and came from a little girl. This little girl was a small person with straight, long blonde hair. She wore a long, light blue dress that made her look beautiful. The sun shone brightly outside Rainbow Canyon’s Memorial Bay. In contrast to the cold atmosphere inside the graveyard.

    “Sure, why not,” Lawrence cheered. Lawrence had wandered Rainbow Canyon for many years now, but was interested in capturing rare Pokemon. Similarly, he had been to well known areas such as Jeweleon, and Droughton Villages. The sailor chap had been travelling with Andrew for a few months now where they both became companions in Jeweleon Village.

    “Okay,” Andrew whispered. Andrew was more of the quiet type and did not say many words. This is because the old man admired Lawrence’s young will and desire to succeed. Andrew and Lawrence have never argued since they have met and hope it will remain.

    “There is a Pokemon in the graveyard that you might want to check out,” the little girl said. “It hides and knocks out trainers who try to capture it.” The little girl pushed her hands together quickly.

    “Then we should go there and sort this problem out,” Lawrence shouted as he tightened his fist.

    “Okay, but you must be a strong trainer to do so,” the girl said in a gentle voice. “Let’s just battle now and talk later,” she said, and laughed.

    “Let’s battle then,” Lawrence asked. “If I win it shows I’m good right?”

    “Yes, but if I win it shows you are a loser,” the lass giggled. The little girl stood straight, and still like a statue. The arena they were going to battle in was a rocky one full of brown, sharp rocks. The ground was rock solid and rocky perfect for rock Pokemon.

    “Be careful Chris, she doesn’t look like a pushover,” Andrew implied as he patted his grey hair.

    “Go, Lotad,” the little girl shouted. A Pokeball soared across the blue sky and released a Pokemon. Lotad had a blue body with a yellow bill-like mouth and six, small blue legs. Similarly, the emerald lily pad on it back could capture rainwater and be able to float on water.

    “Go, Staryu,” Lawrence shouted. A Pokeball soared through the air and bounced on the rocky floor. The Pokeball released a Staryu. It was a little brown coloured star with five sharp points on its star like figure. It had a bright red jewel in the centre of its shape body that flashed brightly if this Pokemon was injured badly.

    “Lotad, use Absorb,” the little girl shouted.

    “Staryu, attack,” Lawrence ordered. Staryu propelled around the rocky arena like a shuriken and slashed Lotad. The weird shuriken attack made Lotad fall back in pain. It screeched loudly in ache from the last attack. The lily creature shook its head quickly and poured out a foggy green powder that whizzed towards Staryu.

    The powder leeched Staryu whilst it whirled down to the rocky ground. The star turned red and shook gradually from the leeching effect the Absorb attack had on it. The green, musty powder released the brown star, and then levitated back to Lotad. The absorbed energy leeched itself into Lotad who gained some of Staryu’s energy. Lotad looked recharged and danced in circles on the rocky ground.

    “What is your name?” Andrew asked. This old man was not very subtle and was always straight to the point.

    “Maria,” Maria replied. “Lotad, use Rain Dance.” Lotad inhaled air then suddenly black clouds hovered over the rocky arena. The rain clouds were big and puffy that drenched down cold water. Water poured heavily down both Pokemon and splashed all three trainers.

    “Staryu, use Surf,” Chris ordered. Staryu stomped the ground quickly with its two sharp points for feet. Water leaked up around Staryu, which was cold that gushed towards Lotad. The tidal wave of rushing water streamlined the small lily pad Pokemon. Therefore, it was swept away by a single assault and crushed into a stony boulder. Lotad slipped down the big boulder and squeaked out pain whilst it rested on the floor for a second.

    “Lotad, use Nature Power,” Maria roared and pointed whilst being soaked.

    “Staryu, attack,” Chris shouted. Staryu whirled around the rocky arena as fast as the speed of light. Staryu slashed Lotad loads of times in the lily pad .Lotad squeaked in pain and rainwater poured on Lotad’s emerald lily to heal some of its wounds. The little lily pad stomped the ground and formed an Earthquake attack.

    The Earthquake attack shook the ground violent, which forced rocks to break. The ground split and Staryu fell in the deep rocky canyon… Staryu whirled out of the canyon like a boomerang and slashed the rainwater that poured down it. The ground was still cracked and water soon drenched down the wide gorge.

    “Lotad, you okay?” Maria cried. Lotad shivered continuously. Then was quickly healed by rainwater that splashed on Lotad’s rain dish.

    “Staryu, use Water Gun for the finish,” Chris cheered.

    “Lotad, use Absorb,” Marion said silently. Staryu jumped and hovered like a boomerang once more in full swing en route for Lotad. Staryu stopped next to Lotad and then gushed out water that was boosted by the powerful rain.

    The Water Gun attack gushed Lotad quickly until it hit a broken rocky boulder. The rain clouds disappeared and all the water around the arena evaporated into the bright blue sky. The original sunlight flashed quickly onto the battlefield and reflected off the remaining water droplets.

    Lotad squealed and gradually slipped down the broken brown boulder. Lotad fainted on the cracked floor. Staryu stood tall and span around for a victory dance.

    “Well done Staryu,” Lawrence cheered. “Staryu, return” A crimson light beamed back Staryu to its Pokeball.

    “Return, Lotad,” Maria cried. A shaft of crimson light beamed the little lily pad back to its Pokeball for a rest.

    “This is why I follow you on your journey Chris,” Andrew said. “It’s fun to watch your battles.” Maria wiped a tear from her eye because she could not bare losing.

    “You okay?” Lawrence asked.

    “You are good,” Maria cheered. “I think you have the skill to capture that cotton Pokemon.” Maria walked off amused by Lawrence’s skill. Maria had defended the Cottonee for the past years from poachers and had worked in the Rainbow Memorial Bay since she was a young lass. Therefore, she must have been friends with the Cottonee, which existed within the murky graveyard.

    “Let’s go through the graveyard to go after that Cottonee,” Lawrence said. The sailor like trainer and the creepy old man left the rocky arena. They both clopped slowly in the direction of the overgrown entrance to the Bay. Lawrence stepped through the entrance first and looked around. He saw many grey, tombstones, which had been covered in bright flowers where trainers repaid their respects. These stones stood like statues in the shadowy sky.

    Suddenly a rustled sound brushed across some overgrown bushes in the corner of the bay.

    “Something is over there,” Andrew said. The Cottonee hid in the shadows but not for long…

    “What could it be?” Lawrence asked. The silent emerald Cottonee hopped out of the shadows to defend the graveyard from intruders. It hopped across the dirty grass, and squeaked loudly at Lawrence.

    “It’s that strange rare creature,” Andrew said. The old man looked surprised, a bit too surprised. Cottonee shut its oval, orange eyes and wished for strength from the fallen victims in the graveyard. It shivered continuously…

    “That must be the Pokemon Maria was talking about,” Lawrence whispered. “I will defeat it.” Lawrence clenched his fist and dashed at the cotton candy creature.

    “Arrogant as usual,” Andrew said and sighed.

    Cottonee suddenly started to glow in a blue aura because It fallen friends transferred there powers from the Memorial Bay to help defend Cottonee. Suddenly, blue auras spouted from the tombstones and suckered into the grassy cloud. It breathed heavily from all the power it had unleashed through its cotton body.

    “Time to battle, you wimp,” Lawrence arrogantly shouted. He glared at the cotton creature with determination. Suddenly, Cottonee bounced behind one of the musty gravestones and then hopped back out. It was as if it played pranks on Lawrence.

    “That Cottonee is interesting,” Andrew said. “I have read before about a creature, which used the power of souls from its friends for battling,”

    Cottonee sprung into the shadowy atmosphere and then dashed downwards at Lawrence. The sailor boy quickly moved out of the way. Cottonee squeaked loudly and became scared on what would happen next.

    “Go, Gastly,” Lawrence shouted. A Pokeball soared across the tomb-stoned arena and landed on a broken gravestone, then busted open a foggy ghost. This foggy ghost had a strange, purple aura that levitated around it slowly. Gastly hissed at Cottonee who wailed back to threaten Gastly. The cotton creature jumped towards the foggy ghost. It closed its orange jewel like eyes and its body glowed in a blue aura. The auras zapped from the tombstones and shafted at Gastly. The foggy ghost Pokemon was flashed violently and it recoiled off a rocky grave. It hissed loudly and then levitated into the air.

    “Gastly, use Shadow Ball!” Gastly shook for a second and charged up black, spherical shadows in front off it. The ball of shadows was torpedoed at Cottonee. The cotton creature was blasted into the murky air. Suddenly, Cottonee weaved through the tall grass and shivered quickly. Blades of sharp leaves sliced en route to Gastly. The foggy creature was sliced a few times, which made it fall backwards in pain.

    “That Razor Leaf must have been critical,” Lawrence said. Cottonee giggled for a moment and then more leaves swept towards it. Gastly glared evilly as the leaves swooped at the foggy ghost. Suddenly, it levitated out of the way and the blades of leaves sliced into nearby bushes.

    “Psychic,” Andrew coached. Gastly struggled to move around, but was more determined to win than its trainer did. Cottonee shut its oval eyes once more and gleamed in a mysterious aura again.

    “Gastly, use Psychic,” Chris shouted. Gastly shook its black head for a moment then psychic waves hovered around it. The psychic waves were synched in the direction of the cotton candy. It was blasted then bashed into the murky atmosphere. Psychic waves poured through Cottonee’s grassy body and drained its energy. The little creature shrieked in pain whilst it landed into the tall grass.

    Suddenly, Cottonee shook its head and started to heal itself. A bright yellow aura materialised around its star shaped sections. Cottonee breathed heavily and then danced around in the grass. Suddenly, this strange assault flashed at Gastly. The foggy ghost fainted next to a gravestone.

    “Return, Gastly,” Lawrence shouted. A crimson, transparent light retrieved the fainted foggy ghost back to its Pokeball.

    “Poor Gastly,” Andrew worried. Cottonee bounced on the spot for a moment and glared at Lawrence. The sailor boy was worried it was too strong for his team.

    “Go, Ralts,” Lawrence shouted. A Pokeball dropped to the ground to release a silent soft Pokemon that had a dreary coloured body. This emerald Pokemon had a red circular Frisbee thing that stuck out of its head. Cottonee opened it’s opened its orange eyes and created copies of it. These copies materialised quickly around Lawrence’s Ralts.

    “Double Team,” Andrew shrieked. The Cottonee army all wailed loudly, which echoed the scenery around them. The cotton creature looked at Ralts who was outnumbered. A murky fog started to linger over the battle field.

    “Ralts, use Psychic,” Lawrence shouted. Ralts pressed its fingers on its head and released waves of psychic blasts that blasted in the direction of one of the Cottonee members. The Psychic attack psyched one of the puff targets. It shrivelled up, wailed for a second, and then dematerialized.

    “It was a copy?” Andrew asked. “That means only three Cottonee copies remain.”

    The fluffy army all wailed and shafted out luminous grass attacks at Ralts. Lawrence’s Ralts was psyched backwards four times by the Energy Ball assault. Ralts shrieked loudly and deafened the Cottonee foursome. They all paused for a moment and shut their orange eyes.

    “Ralts, now’s your chance, Psychic,” Lawrence shouted. Ralts quickly blasted out purple, psychic waves that waved towards one of the clones. The Cottonee that was hit dematerialised quickly from the attack. The remaining grass creatures hopped around quickly and surrounded Ralts to intimidate the poor creature.

    Ralts suddenly had sweat droplets pour down its ancient head. Ralts started to wobble because it was nervous like jelly on a plate! One Cottonee lunged from the overgrown grass at the psychic creature and tackled it. Ralts was shafted across the grass and thumped into a gravestone.

    “Return, Ralts,” Chris cried. A crimson light brought back Ralts back to its home for nice long rest.

    “Only two green Pokemon clones left,” Andrew cried. All three Cottonee hopped together in a line for a battle. They all giggled because they were trying to protect their friends from intruders.

    “Go, Machop,” Lawrence said, and laughed. He suddenly smiled as if he had an idea.

    “Machop would have a disadvantage,” Andrew shouted. The Cottonee trio squeaked and then danced around in a circle. Lawrence threw a Pokeball, which soared through the air. A little, grey muscular fighter appeared. This fighter had been Lawrence’s starter Pokemon and was a valid asset to his team.

    Cottonee club army all jumped along the ground quickly then all materialised Razor Leaf assaults. They all bounced their bushy bodies, which sliced blades in the direction of Machop. Razor Leaf slashed Machop quickly and it panted for a moment. Machop shook its head and then awaited its commands.

    “Machop, use Foresight,” Lawrence said, and laughed. Machop pierced its eyes, which locked onto the Cottonee. Suddenly, Cottonee appeared as one Pokemon and negated the copies from fazing the fighter. It speedily jumped through the air and head butted a clone Cottonee. It bounced across the rooted ground and disappeared violently in a giant puff of smoke.

    “One more clone,” Andrew cheered as he stayed still and rested on his walking stick. Machop dropped to the ground and could still see the movements of the remaining Cottonee.

    “Machop, attack the final clone first,” Lawrence shouted. The green cloud creature tensed at Machop like a peanut. The fighter Pokemon lunged in the direction of Cottonee and swept away from Energy Balls. Energy Ball missed twice and shafted into the murky atmosphere. Machop’s grey hand glowed brightly and sliced the clone’s puffy face. It evaporated within the shadowy atmosphere…

    “This match is done,” Andrew, cheered. Machop then jumped towards the real Cottonee.

    “Machop, use Close Combat,” Lawrence shouted loudly. Machop jumped in front of Cottonee and then pushed his hands in a sword like position. Cottonee was devastated on what would happen next. Machop then poked the cotton candy creature at the speed of light sixty-four times that bashed it in its fluffy head…

    Cottonee soared through the shadowed air in pain. Machop then jumped up beneath Cottonee in the air. Machop then stretched its legs to kick the defender of the Bay. Suddenly, the Grass Pokemon loudly shrieked in pain whilst it had been kicked four times. The muscular monster then crushed the poor green creature to the overgrown ground. Cottonee wailed loudly but managed to move around still but struggled to do so. It slowly panted in pain and glared at Machop.

    “It still has energy,” Andrew worried. Machop panted heavily from that special move because it drained his energy.

    “Machop, use Seismic Toss for the finish,” Lawrence shouted. Machop jumped up for the last attack and launched its grey arms at Cottonee. The fuzzy creature hopped slowly away but was too slow. Two grey muscular arms grabbed the plant tightly, and then Machop span it around one-hundred times like a roller coaster. Cottonee became dizzy, which then was slapped on to the ground. The grass was flattened and Cottonee fainted within it.

    “Return, Machop,” Lawrence shouted. A shaft of red light beamed back Machop to its Pokeball. Cottonee just lay on the floor motionless from Machop’s physical attacks.

    “Go, Pokeball,” Lawrence shouted with determination. He threw a Pokeball that soared through the gloomy ambience that bashed Cottonee. The little green Ralts was sucked inside and the Pokeball started to roll…

    “I knew I could win,” Lawrence said. “I do not need any help from others. I think it’s about time you left Andrew.” He shut his and awaited a reply.

    “Arrogant as usual I see,” Andrew said. “You’ll need me more than you think.”
    WinterVines 3:53 pm
    im sorry women are difficult
    i understand why some should stay in the kitchen

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010

    Default Re: Memorial Bay Showdown. An Arrogant Trainer’s Pledge


    Introduction ~ For this rank your introduction worked quite well. I immediately knew what the story was going to be about so I wasn’t surprised about anything. You set up the final battle scene early on with environment. Something that confused me slightly was the poacher encounter early on. You give a simple paragraph about a supposed battle scene then left off it without providing a conclusion to the story. I think I know what your goal was for that part, but you shouldn’t leave it up to the reader to figure out.

    Plot ~ A simple twist to cliched story. The only reason this format worked for this story is because you added a background story and you added the twist of the two guardians (Maria/Cottonee). That being, said you need to really careful when using this plot line, without solid backup in other sections this sometimes might not work for this rank and for sure harder ones. Try adding a twist that is surprising or by including more story instead of long battles.

    Character ~ Not much here for the short story. I did have a clear pictures of what all the people looked like so good job. Something that you need to work on is that you kept calling the main character arrogant, and he never came off to me in that manner. If you are going to give a personality you have to be sure that it matches exactly.

    Grammar: No major mistakes here. You did a really good job overall. I have listed all the mistake I caught.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    The grassy wave materialized from the shadows and shafted at the poacher like man.
    ~ Need a hyphen between poacher and like. You had more than a couple of these. You have to use a hyphen when using ‘like’ in this manner.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    A trainer called Lawrence strolled along a rocky, pathway.
    ~ You have a comma splice here.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Therefore, she must have been friends with the Cottonee, which existed within the murky graveyard.
    ~ I couldn’t tell if this was the main character thinking or something you put in like a narration format. And if it was the main character thinking then how would know of this information?

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Cottonee suddenly started to glow in a blue aura because It fallen friends transferred there powers from the Memorial Bay to help defend Cottonee.
    ~ You had a few problems with this one sentence. First, you don’t need the word in. Second, it should be its. Finally, there should be their. A simple spell check will not catch these kind of mistake, you’ll need to go back and carefully go over your work to catch this kind of stuff.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    A Pokeball soared across the blue sky and released a Pokemon.
    Quote Originally Posted by you
    A Pokeball soared through the air and bounced on the rocky floor.
    I spotted a few things like these sentences where the words were very similar or the same in some cases. Some other examples I spotted were you using the words ‘murky’, ‘musty’ and during the Lotad/Staryu battle you used rocky a lot in reference to the ground. I think its fine that you tried to describe the environment, but you’ll want to change what words you use when trying to describe things. This a pattern I’ve noticed across more than one of your written works, you’ll want to make sure this doesn’t distract the writer from the overall work. Yours didn’t distract me, but it came close.

    Detail: I was satisfied with this area. All the characters, Pokemon, Pokemon attacks, and environment were described sufficiently and in good detail. I had no problem visualizing everything in the story. Something I felt you could have touched on was the senses and emotions. The senses smell and touch could have been especially touched on during the battle and entering into the canyon.

    Length: Near the max

    Battle: This was practically the focal point of the story. Both battles were evenly matched with moves alike, and the attacks were described pretty darn well. I also liked how you manipulated the environment to influence the battle.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Cottonee suddenly started to glow in a blue aura because It fallen friends transferred there powers from the Memorial Bay to help defend Cottonee. Suddenly, blue auras spouted from the tombstones and suckered into the grassy cloud. It breathed heavily from all the power it had unleashed through its cotton body.
    ~ This is what I mean here. I think it was a good idea for the deceased Pokemon to lend their strength to their guardian.

    Concerning the Staryu and Lotad fight, when you used the water attacks I would have liked to see something about how the ground was affected by the sudden downpour of rain. I understand the ground is rocky, which means one of two things in my mind. One; the water could have fell between the cracks between the rocks so that the Surf would do less damage; or two, the ground could have sucked up the water and created a bog of sorts. Other than that I liked how you incorporated the abilities too; the usage of Rain Dish for Lotad was a good move and something some authors overlook.

    Overall: Captured. Good enough story for the mon you went for. You need to be careful of redundant word usage in future stories. Finally, remember not to have straight forward plots for higher captures. Enjoy your mon.

    @Fossil Fusion
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 28th June 2011 at 07:58 PM.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis


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