Make it Shine

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  1. #1
    That guy Eraizaa-kun's Avatar
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    Default Make it Shine

    (ready for grading)


    Make it Shine


    The cold autumn breeze was blowing, carrying cheerful bird songs around the yellowing forest. The breeze raised uphill towards the clear azure skies as it passed over a lone house in the mountains. More than just a house, it was a mansion; three stories high and big enough for many families. The recently painted peach coating shined with the morning sun, as did the many clear windows. With a brand new black elegant car, a pink stretch limousine, and a couple of camouflaged sport utility vehicles parked outside in addition to who knows how many on the garage, it was hard to believe that only three people lived in this place, the Tanoshii family.

    With the smell of breakfast buffet filling up the white interior of the home, and the many figures and decorations glittering as if just cleaned, one would expect for everything to be peaceful as well, but…

    “Why did you have to go and fire the maid?!” echoed a young female voice as the many porcelain cats in the hallways trembled.

    The voice came from a room with walls covered in candles and giant chandelier hanging from above. There, at the farthest end of a large table, was a little girl. She seemed around twelve-years-old. The contrast between her green puffy dress and her red curls only helped bring out the anger in her eyes that stared unmoving towards the two people sitting on the other side of the table.

    The red haired man in the navy blue suit and black pants looked towards the wall as he stated in a nonchalant voice, “Fumiya, we didn’t fire her. She had to retire. Besides, we have other employees who come clean the rest of the house…”
    “…and you are old enough to clean your own room dear,” said the brunette whose clothes matched the girl’s, but her voice was a more caring and gentle.
    Little Fumiya’s light skin quickly turned red as her mom mentioned the word “clean”. That word felt as though her mom had cursed at her.
    “You are crazy! Why should I have to do that when you have your many so-called employees?! That’s why you pay them!” the little girl shouted.

    “That’s enough out of you!” her dad replied with an equal volume. “You will not leave this house until you learn to take responsibility!”

    The man stood up and left the room, but his daughter only turned her sight away from him, unaffected by his words. Her mom looked worried. She looked at her daughter with no idea what to do. She simply turned around and ran after her husband.

    The little girl’s face suddenly changed. She stood up and slowly walked out of the room with her eyes widely opened. She was so sure that her mom would be the one to do whatever she wanted, but she walked away this time. She wanted to cry, but she just shook it off.

    “I can’t let them win,” she thought as she wiped a tear off her face.

    She raced through the hallways and passed by many doors of different colors and different statues of different Pokémon as well. She went into a room with a pink door and slammed the door behind her. This room wasn’t too big, but it was certainly not your average room. Mirrors in all walls, a large water bed in the middle with a vanity on each side of the room and another big pink door which probably lead to a closet. The room would have been the dream of any girl who wanted to be a fairytale princess if it wasn’t for a big flaw. There were dresses all around the floor and on the bed, everything in the vanities was either knocked over or on the floor as well, and the room had a peculiar unappealing odor to it. It was evident that her struggle to get someone other than herself to clean the room had been going on for a long time.

    Fumiya tried her best to make her way into her room. Angry once more at the way her room was. She bended down and grabbed a flower shaped perfume bottle from the floor. At that moment she heard someone knock at the door.

    “Sweetie, are you there?” sounded her mom’s voice from the hallway.

    Fumiya was already furious. She gripped tightly on the purple bottle and sprayed her neck with it until it was virtually dripping into her dress.

    As the smell of lilacs filled the room, she jumped towards the door and opened it shouting, “What do you want?!”

    Her mother seemed frightened. She was still panicking on the inside.

    “Uh...Listen, I know you think we are being horrible to you, but we just want you to have a sense of responsibility. Your dad and I are leaving for our business trip in a few minutes. Please have this clean by the time we come back,” plead her mom.

    “What is this trash you are talking about? That’s just your way of saying you don’t want me to have fun anymore, isn’t it? You can tell dad that...” Fumiya kept shouting when her mom interrupted.

    “Look here! We are doing this for your own good. We want this clean when we come back! And just so you know, we talked to the employees here and they are not allowed to clean this for you. They are not allowed to let any strangers in either so you can’t call anyone else to do it either. And if you want to come with us next time, you’ll do a good job too,” said her mom with a firm voice as her eyes began to water.

    There was a moment of silent. Fumiya was just surprised as her mom’s words. She just stood there and didn’t say a thing. Her mom then sighed and pulled a white box with many small letters on it from her purse. She kneeled down and hugged her daughter with her arms going all the way around her daughter’s shoulders.

    Her mom began to speak again “Understand that we really love...”

    At that moment, she accidentally pressed the box against the back of Fumiya’s neck snapping her out of her silence.

    “Don’t! Let me go!” the little girl shouted as she struggled out of her mom’s arms.

    Her mom let go and stood up. She sighed once more and just stretched the box towards her daughter.

    “Here, this is your new...” she began to say, only to be interrupted by her daughter again.

    Fumiya simply snatched the box from her hand and pushed her mom out of the room shouting, “See ya again whenever!”

    After Fumiya slammed the door again, her mom’s face saddened. With nothing else to do, she walked away as tears began to run down her face.

    Fumiya slowly walked towards her bed and placed the box gently onto of the white sheets. She looked around with a blank expression as she thought about what just happened. Her face slowly turned red as she shut her eyes tightly. At that moment, she just turned around and jumped on the bed, pressing her face against the pillow, letting out silent screams. Unknown to her, the box was sent flying upwards as she landed on the bed and quickly sank into the mess below.

    Soon after, her parents got inside the stretch limousine and left. Fumiya watched them through her window until they were completely out of sight.

    “Finally, they are gone! I said I wouldn’t let them win and I know my way around the rules,” Fumiya thought to herself as she made her way to the vanity on the right side of her room.

    She cleared the vanity by knocking down everything that was left on it and pulled out a blue laptop computer from beneath a dress that was at the foot of the vanity. She opened it and quickly began to type.

    “Cleaning...cleaning...There has to be something in the world that I can use to make this job easier,” she whispered.

    “This is it!” she said as she stared at the monitor with joy.

    The monitor showed a Pokémon. Grey fur, big brown eyes, and a white tail. The letters beneath it stated “Minccino”.

    “So, these Minccino are trained to do big jobs. And they are cute too!” she kept saying as the scrolled down the website.

    Her smile soon vanished as she spotted something on the page.

    “What?! Why is this service so expensive? If only I lived closer to the city...or at least hadn’t bought those rare perfumes...”

    The ticking sound of her keyboard once gain spread through the room as she typed away. She didn’t look like she was giving up any time soon.

    As the midmorning sun finally glanced through the windows, there was a silence in her room once more.

    “This is perfect,” Fumiya whispered to herself.

    The sign on her computer showing what looked like a Minccino, only with more white fur around its body that gave the impression that it was wearing a scarf. The title of the page stated, “Needy Pokémon for Good Homes.”

    “If a Minccino can clean so well, a Cinccino should do an even better job. She’s so cute and elegant too,” Fumiya kept on whispering, but the thought in her head was different. On her mind, she simply thought, “Best of all, she’s free.”

    Fumiya quickly filled the online application. She was overjoyed about the idea of having such a beautiful creature in her home, but she was more interested on having a plan around her parents’ rules. As soon as she closed her laptop, she got up and exited her room. She turned towards the door right next to hers; a shiny silver colored door that she thought was just perfect. She walked across the hallway towards a black phone that rested on a small round table. Fumiya grinned as she picked up the phone and waited for someone to answer her.

    “Yes, this is Miss Tanoshii. I need you to clean a room for me...No, not my room. I need you to clean the one next to it. I just...uh...adopted the cutest Pokémon ever and she’s going to need a place to stay, so get to it!” Fumiya demanded right before hanging up the phone.

    Now everything was set. All she had to do was to wait.

    Finally, just as noon arrived, someone knocked at Fumiya’s door. She eagerly jumped out of her bed and opened the door to find a lady wearing a classic black and white maid outfit.

    She was holding a small red and white ball which she offered Fumiya as she said, “I went to look for the Pokémon you adopted just like you asked Miss Tanoshii.”

    Fumiya gently took the Pokéball and replied, “Thank you. You may leave now.”

    The maid bowed forward a bit and smiled right before turning to the side and walking away, but as she walked away, her face couldn’t hide the fact that she was worried. Her eyes gently looked back at the Pokéball as Fumiya was entering the room with the silver door. Just before going in, Fumiya glanced over towards the maid and barely made eye contact with her. The make simply looked forward again and walked away.

    Fumiya then entered the room, but it wasn’t very impressive. It had a small pet-sized bed in the left corner of the room, a large metal bowl filled with Pokémon food in the other corner, and, next to it, a second bowl filled with water.

    Fumiya opened the Pokéball letting out a flash of light that materialized on the floor as he Cinccino she had seen on the computer. The Cinccino began to tilt her head in all directions, not focusing on anything at all.

    “Hello there. My name is Fumiya and this is your new home,” said the girl with a big smile on her face.

    The Cinccino took a few steps forward and began to gently tap the floor with her tail paying no attention to Fumiya’s words.

    “Hey, aren’t you listening? I’m talking to you!” Fumiya added in a firmer voice. It was clear that she wasn’t happy with Cinccino’s behavior.

    The Cinccino just kept tapping around the room with her tail, now tapping on the little pink bed.

    Fumiya was now mad. She took a big breath and shouted, “Cinccino! I just told you that this is your new home! Pay attention!”

    At that moment, Cinccino’s ears tilted towards Fumiya. The little chinchilla-like Pokémon smiled and ran towards her. She seemed overjoyed as she ran circles around Fumiya saying “Cinc Cinccino!” over and over.

    “What’s with this Pokémon?” thought the girl as she tried to follow Cinccino with her sight.

    Fumiya started walking slowly towards the food, but Cinccino kept running around in circles on the same spot for a moment. Fumiya stared at the Pokémon when suddenly she stopped running. Cinccino began sniffing the air a bit and that’s when she turned around and ran to Fumiya’s side.

    “Maybe she’s that hungry,” thought Fumiya as she grabbed some Pokémon food and offered it Cinccino.

    “Cinc?” whispered the furry Pokémon as she sniffed the food.

    She licked it just once and quickly began to eat. Fumiya smiled and stepped to the side allowed Cinccino to make her way to the bowl. The small Pokémon quickly jumped right into the bowl and began to eat. Small crumbs of food began to fill her face and the floor around the bowl.

    “Wow. You really were hungry after all,” said Fumiya.

    The girl kneeled down next to the water bowl and said, “Don’t forget to have some water too!”

    Cinccino just stepped out of the bowl and shook off the crumbs off her face, seemingly uninterested by Fumiya’s offer.

    “Hello! Water!” repeated Fumiya in a much louder voice.

    Cinccino tilted her head towards her and ran quickly ran in her direction, but as she did, she ran into the bowl of water and spilled it all over the floor and even some over Fumiya’s dress.

    “Ah! What do you think you are doing?!” shouted Fumiya.

    “Cinccino?” said her Pokémon tilting her head.

    It seemed obvious that Cinccino had no idea what Fumiya was talking about, but she didn’t care at the moment. Fumiya only thought about how her dress was all wet. That’s when the girl decided that the pleasantries were over. Fumiya stood up and grabbed Cinccino. The Pokémon seemed scared as she had no idea what was going on. Fumiya quickly carried her towards the messier next room and dropped Cinccino on the floor.

    “Here! You evolved from Minccino, so I want you to clean this up!” shouted Fumiya.

    Cinccino seemed confused. She tried touching the floor with her tail, but all she could feel were many different fabrics, none of which she recognized. She began walking around the room with a sad and desperate look in her face. She knew that the girl who gave her food wanted something, but she had no idea what it was. Cinccino picked up a dress with her tail, tossed it on the bed, and then waited for something to happen.

    “What are you waiting for?!” shouted Fumiya.

    Cinccino began to panic a bit. She had to do something; after all, she didn’t want to lose her new home. Not knowing what to do, she grabbed one of the dressed with her tail and brought it to Fumiya. As Cinccino offered the dress to her, Fumiya’s face became red with anger once more.

    Her mind flashed back to a several days ago. The same dress being tossed to her hands as a voice echoed, “From now on, you can clean the room yourself!”

    Those words echoed inside Fumiya’s mind as she thought about that moment were her maid left the house.

    “Get out of here!” exclaimed Fumiya.

    Cinccino’s eyes filled with tears as she rushed out of the room in a straight line. In her haste, she kept on running forward slamming into the wall on the other side of the hallway. She was too sad at the moment to care about the sudden pain, so she just gently touched the floor with her tail again until she felt the nearest door which happened to be the one to her own room.

    Now all alone, Fumiya began looking around her room. Still looking at all the mess and even feeling that strange odor in her room, her eyes began to water, but this time she couldn’t hold it back.

    As she cried she kicked up some of the dresses lifting up a small cloud of dust and thought to herself, “Why would mom do this to me?”

    She began walking around the room, kicking anything she found on the floor.

    “Is it that important for me to do this myself? Why should I care? If they won’t clean it, can’t I just take another room?” she continued thinking, trying to make sense of the situation.

    Fumiya began to cough a little, but she didn’t pay much attention to it. She just kept thinking to herself.

    “And what was wrong with that Cinccino? She didn’t listen to me at all,” she thought as she grabbed one of the curtains and pushed it away to open a window.

    When she did, a larger cloud of dust spread through the room. Fumiya began to cough harder. The expression her face showed that it was starting to hurt a bit. At that moment, she realized what was happening. She rushed to the vanity on the left side of her room and opened a drawer. She quickly drifted through it and pulled out an asthma inhaler. She put it in her mouth, but when she pressed on it, nothing happened.

    “Oh no...” she whispered between her coughs. “It’s empty...”

    That’s when she remembered the box her mom had given her earlier.

    “That’s right. That was the new inhaler. Where did I put it?” she thought as her coughs became harder and her breath notably shorter.

    She walked towards her bed, but she couldn’t find the box. It wasn’t visible over the bed or over the vanities, so she desperately tried to search around the floor, but with no luck. There was simply too big a mess to find something so small. As her breaths became even shorter, she slipped back and found herself seated on the floor. She looked around her room, feeling hopeless and trapped within the mess she had made herself.
    Last edited by Eraizaa-kun; 12th November 2011 at 04:55 PM.

  2. #2
    That guy Eraizaa-kun's Avatar
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    Default Re: Make it Shine

    On the next room, Cinccino was calmly laying on the bed when suddenly something woke her up. She couldn’t tell what it was, but there was something wrong. She jumped out of the bed and ran out of her room, immediately turning towards the pink door. It seemed like an instinct had taken over her somehow. A bright and powerful light had covered her body as she aimed towards the door.

    Fumiya was still hanging on with very short breaths when she saw the door to her room burst open making way for Cinccino. As she got inside, Cinccino sniffed the air around and turn right towards the little girl. Fumiya couldn’t understand why did the small Pokémon come, but she was glad either way. She hugged her Cinccino and looked at her face and that’s when she noticed something strange.

    “Her eyes...I’m right here, but why isn’t she looking at me?”

    Fumiya suddenly remembered when Cinccino first came out of her Pokéball.

    “You weren’t looking at anything then either and instead of cleaning, you were just touching everything with you tail,” the girl thought.

    She then even remembered how instead of drinking the water, she spilled the bowl over the floor.

    “Oh my gosh...she’s blind...but how did she...” she kept thinking when she realized that Cinccino always stopped to sniff the air to find her.

    At that moment, she felt some hope as she remember her mom accidentally pressing that small box against her neck.

    “The perfume!” her mind shouted as she rubbed her hand on her neck and showed it to Cinccino.

    The furry Pokémon curiously sniffed her hand and then jumped out of the girl’s lap. This time she felt almost certain what her new owner wanted.

    “Cinccino!” she exclaimed as she jumped right into the mess of clothes, only to emerge a couple of seconds later with the box in her mouth.

    Cinccino rushed towards Fumiya with the box. The girl quickly opened the box pulling out a new inhaler. She placed it in her mouth and pressed it once, but she could barely breathe enough to get the medicine in. Cinccino looked worried and waited anxiously. Fumiya pressed a second time on the inhaler, this time able to take a deeper breath. On her desperation, she even pressed it a third time, but her third breath was deep a clear. Cinccino’s face light up as she now felt for sure that everything was alright.

    Fumiya took the inhaler out of her mouth and placed it over the nearby vanity. She looked towards Cinccino with a smile and even with tears running down her cheeks.

    “Cinccino...th...thank you! You saved my life!” the girl cried out as she reached towards her Pokémon.

    She embraced Cinccino tightly, but then she looked around again at her room. She felt a small panic inside of her as she saw the mess once again, remembering how trapped she felt before because of it.

    “That’s it! This place needs a good cleaning and I’m the one to do it!” Fumiya said out loud as she stood up with determination.

    “You are darn right this place needs it!” a mysterious voice said from the entrance of the room.

    Fumiya looked towards the spot where the door used to be and saw a large lady standing there. She looked really strong. Her flat hair style, black skirt, black jacket, and even shades make her look tough as well.

    “Who...who are you?” said Fumiya while hanging on tightly to Cinccino.

    Her Pokémon had no idea what was going on, so she tried hanging on tightly as well.

    “I’m the secretary from the Pokémon Shelter. I received an anonymous call saying that a Cinccino of ours was adopted by someone who clearly couldn’t handle the job,” explained the secretary with a firm voice.

    “An anonymous call? But Cinccino hasn’t been here that long...” she whispered to herself when she suddenly remembered the worried look on the maid who handed her Cinccino’s Pokéball. “Her...it must have been her who let this lady in too...”

    The secretary tilted her head upwards and continued speaking. “When I first saw this place, I thought that maybe it was a prank call, but after seeing this room...Girl, this is no place for a Pokémon or a human to be living in. Taking care of this Cinccino is clearly beyond your capacities. And by that I mean, you can’t do it right so I’m taking her back with me.”

    “You can’t say that! I was just about to clean and...and...Cinccino is my friend now, so you can’t take her!” shouted Fumiya with a stern voice.

    “How can you tell me that she’s your friend? She has only been here a day. Did you even read the information on that Cinccino before you adopted her?” replied the secretary.

    Fumiya slowly looked away from the secretary trying to avoid eye contact.

    “I...I...” she began to say when suddenly she closed her eyes tightly just before opening them as a determined glare towards the secretary. “I understand Cinccino! And you are not taking her away!”

    At that moment, Cinccino tilted her ears towards Fumiya. Cinccino smiled and hugged her tightly. She felt grateful about those words. Immediately after, Cinccino jumped out of Fumiya’s arms landing on her feet right in front of the girl. She was clearly taking a fighting stance to protect her.

    “Oh? Is that so? Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a small test,” said the secretary with a confident voice.

    “Test? What kind of test?” said Fumiya as she stared, not taking her eyes off the secretary for even a moment.

    The secretary smiled as she pulled out a Pokéball from her pocket and proposed, “Well, Cinccino seems to want to proof something, and so do you. So, we’ll have a little Pokémon battle. If you can handle that, then I can look the other way for now.”

    “But...if we battle Cinccino will...” whispered Fumiya as she looked towards her Pokémon, but, Cinccino didn’t look afraid. She looked determined to face whatever came her way.

    “Right! I accept your challenge lady,” said Fumiya with a confident voice.

    The secretary pressed a button on the Pokéball enlarging it and then tossed it into the air. As the ball opened, a light came out of the ball stretching into what looked like a round whitish brown monkey with deeper brown boxing gloves.

    “Primeape! Prime!” shouted the Pokémon as it jumped from side to side.

    “Here we go! Primeape, Karate Chop!” commanded the secretary as she pointed forward.

    Primeape rushed forward towards the scarf Pokémon lifting one glove into the air ready to strike. Fumiya ran to a corner to get out of the way, but she noticed Cinccino just standing there.

    “Cinccino! Get out of there!” she shouted in panic.

    Cinccino immediately realized something new was happening and jumped to a side just in time to dodge.

    “Cinccino?” said the small Pokémon, tapping the room with her tails to see if she could feel what was going on, but with all the soft dresses laying around, she couldn’t feel much.

    “Cinccino, try using swift,” said Fumiya with a worried voice.

    Cinccino just stood there, not moving at all and waiting for something to happen.

    “I knew it. You didn’t read this Pokémon’s information at all. I don’t think we have to continue with this battle,” said the secretary with a cocky tone in her voice.

    “Her information?” Fumiya asked as she started thinking. “What could there be that...”

    At that moment, Fumiya remembered every time she had talked to Cinccino, even the command she gave just a few moments ago.

    “Her hearing...That’s why she didn’t listen to me a first. She must not be able to hear very well either, she thought.

    At that moment, Fumiya got out of the corner and stood up firmly as she shouted, “This battle is not over! Cinccino, Swift to your right now!”

    Cinccino immediately turned to her right and as small stars began to appear around her. She pointed forward towards Primeape shooting the stars in that direction. Primeape opened its eyes widely as he helplessly received each hit directly.

    “Prime!” it shouted as each of those stars made contact.

    “Why you...So, you figured it out. You are smart, I’ll give you that. Primeape, Brick Break,” said the secretary with an unhappy tone.

    Primeape rushed forward towards Cinccino with its fist opened ready to jab forward.

    “Cinccino! Right in front of you! Dodge!” shouted Fumiya.

    Cinccino quickly jump upwards to dodge, but not being able to see the attacker coming, she jumped too late. Primeape landed his jab on her abdomen sending her flying all the way across the room and into the wall. Cinccino opened her mouth widely as she tried to shout in pain, but she had the air knocked out of her. She just stood there, trying to pull herself together because she knew she still have to try.

    “Cinccino!” screamed Fumiya as she ran to her side. “Are you okay?” she asked with a strong volume.

    Cinccino clenched her teeth took a fighting stance again. Somehow she understood the importance of the battle. Fumiya grinned as she saw how brave her new friend was.

    She stood up once more and shouted, “Cinccino, Bullet Seed, straight ahead!”

    “Oh no, you don’t. Primeape, Seismic Toss!” said the secretary as she shook her fists.

    Cinccino quickly aimed forward and opened her mouth shooting out small green seeds. The seeds came out as if shot by a machine gun. Primeape simply jumped forward as she seeds pass a bit to its right bursting on the wall behind. Primeape momentum brought it forward, right in front of Cinccino where it grabbed her as soon as it landed. Primeape jumped up with Cinccino in its hands, spinning her around for a few moments just before tossing her against the ground.

    “Cinccino!” shouted the small Pokémon as she panicked a bit.

    It didn’t take long for Cinccino to hit the floor, but she simply landed safely on a pile of clothes. Realizing she had stopped falling, Cinccino got up once more and began sniffing the air.

    “This isn’t good. Even if I tell her where Primeape is, she can’t aim well if she can’t see or hear it,” thought Fumiya for a moment.

    Right then, Fumiya noticed Cinccino sniffing the air and then tilting her head right at her.

    “How did she...” wondered Fumiya as she placed her hand on her chest. “I get it.”

    Fumiya kneeled down a bit and grabbed a round red bottle from the floor. She grasped it firmly and threw it at the monkey Pokémon as she yelled, “Primeape, think fast!”

    “Prime?” said the round Pokémon as he looked in the direction of the incoming projectile.

    Acting on instinct, Primeape jabbed his right fist towards the bottle breaking it in midair. At that moment, the liquid inside the bottle sprayed all over Primeape as a strong smell of strawberries filled the room.

    “Cinccino, that’s your new target!” shouted Fumiya as she pointed towards Primeape.

    Cinccino didn’t even have to stop and sniff the air to notice the scent. She immediately turned to face directly towards Primeape as the bottle shattered.

    “Clever girl...” whispered the secretary between her teeth. “Primeape, don’t get distracted now. Cross Chop!”

    “Cinccino, go with Pound!” exclaimed Fumiya with a firm loud voice.

    Primeape put its right hand right behind its left making an X-shape with its arms as it ran through all the mess causing dresses to fly to each side, getting closer and closer to Cinccino. Primeape was just about to strike when Cinccino jumped making a forward summersault. As she did, she lowered her tail and hit Primeape gently with it on the back of the monkey’s head causing it to trip. Primeape quickly got up again, but the look in its face changed. Noticing the way the round Pokémon glared at Cinccino, Fumiya realized it was getting mad. It seemed that the secretary was getting mad as well. That gave the little girl an idea.

    “That’s it! Let’s just end this,” began stating the secretary as she pulled her shades off revealing her furious light brown eyes. “Primeape, Close Combat!”

    “Cinccino, After You,” said Fumiya. “After You!” she repeated in a louder voice as she remembered to increase her volume.

    “What?!” thought the secretary in shock. “What is she doing?”

    Cinccino smiled as she bowed forward towards her opponent. Primeape didn’t like this gesture. For some reason, that only made it angrier. The round monkey jumped towards the wall and bounced off of it launching itself towards Cinccino.

    Suddenly, at the very last second Fumiya shouted, “That’s it! Tail Slap!”

    Cinccino jumped forward right then striking Primeape with her tail directly on its nose. After the first hit, she immediately turned around for a second hit and even a third after that.

    “Prime ape!” shouted the brown Pokémon as it was sent flying backwards to its starting point.

    Primeape quickly got back up. It slowly tapped on its nose which was now red and it seemed to hurt more with every touch. At that moment, Primeape turned red. It glared at Cinccino as it got redder and redder with anger.

    “Primeape, wait a minute...” said the secretary trying to get a hold of her Pokéball.

    Primeape didn’t wait. It simply rushed towards Cinccino ready to unleash its anger.

    “Cinccino, Hyper Voice, and give it your best shot!” shouted Fumiya with a determined voice. She seemed to know what she was doing as even she didn’t recover the worried stare she had before.

    Cinccino seemed to share that same determined look. At that moment, she took a big breath and let out loud screech. Not only was it loud, but it seemed to be getting louder and louder every second. Primeape looked as if it had hit a wall as the sound waves made contact with its ears. Both Fumiya and the secretary covered their ears tightly as well. The room felt like it was trembling and even the mirrors and windows burst into dust.

    Fumiya smiled and thought to herself, “I knew it. Cinccino can’t hear very well, so she has no idea how loud she’s being. I bet no one else has a Hyper Voice as powerful as this.”

    Primeape wasn’t giving up. It kept on walking towards Cinccino, still with a vengeful look in its eyes. It was getting closer and closer to its target, but it began to teeter with each step. Primeape’s eyes soon rolled back into its head and it fell on its back motionless. Sensing that the smell over the other Pokémon was no longer getting closer, Cinccino stopped her chaotic concerto and ran to Fumiya’s side.

    The secretary looked much shaken by what happened. She finally got a grip on her Pokéball and pointed it towards Primeape causing a red beam of light to come out of the ball and retrieve the Pokémon into it. She looked directly at Fumiya who was now smiling brightly.

    “Fine, you can keep Cinccino...for now!” said the secretary as she put her shades back on. “You proved you two really do have a bond, but this place is still in no conditions for a responsible caretaker to be living in. I will come back and I expect this place to shine, understand?”

    “Yes ma’am!” said Fumiya as she bowed forward. “I’ll have this place spotless. I promise.”

    Cinccino then jumped into Fumiya arms, overjoyed about her victory.

    The secretary smiled and said as she walked away, “You two take care of each other.”

    “We will!” shouted Fumiya as she waved.

    With the secretary gone, Fumiya looked down at Cinccino and said with a loud voice, “Well Cinccino, that was a great battle, but you need to rest and I have a lot of work to do.”

    “Cinc!” yelled Cinccino as she smiled back.

    A couple of days soon flew by since that life changing day for Fumiya. She stood proudly in front of her room door, ready to greet her parents who were closing in from the hallway.

    Her mom smiled at her with an unsure smile as she said, “So, did...did you...how was your time here?”

    Fumiya smiled and said, “Have a look for yourself!”

    She proudly opened the door to her room revealing what looked like a bigger room than before. But no, it wasn’t bigger. The mess was just gone. The bed was made with light blue covers; the windows glittered as did the mirrors. Everything was in order.

    Fumiya’s dad looked speechless and actually stared with his mouth open. Her mom simply looked overjoyed. Tears soon ran down her face as she kneeled down and hugged her daughter.

    “Thank you! You don’t know what it means to me to see this, Fumiya,” said the mom with her words slightly being drowned by her need to cry.

    However, at that moment, Fumiya’s mom stopped as she noticed something.

    “Wait...Fumiya, those mirrors...Those are new mirrors! They aren’t the ones you had before,” said her mom with a shaky voice.

    “Don’t worry about that mom. There was just an accident and they broke is all. It’s a long story,” Fumiya explained causing a small silence. “Speaking of which, I have something else to show you. I made a new friend while you were gone.”

    Fumiya quickly ran towards the door next to her own and grabbed the knob.

    She looked back at her parents and said, “Mom, dad, meet my friend...”

    At that moment, she stopped and they all looked in shock at the now opened room. There were shredded papers all around, Pokémon food in different corners, the small bed flipped upside down, and in the middle of all that, the small Cinccino poking her head out of the water bowl with all her fur flatted by the water.

    “Fu...Fumiya...you just...You do know that this means a lot more responsibility?” said her dad with a stunned face.

    Fumiya laughed a little, with an embarrassed tone of voice and said, “Responsibility, yeah...”

    Cinccino had no idea what was going on, so she just smiled and yelled out “Cinc Cinccino!” as she jumped up and took a dive into the bowl filled with food.


    *end*


    Story Ready for Grading




    Goal Pokemon: Cinccino
    Story's Lenght (without spaces): Aprox. 28,000 characters
    Story's Lenght (with spaces): Aprox. 34,000
    Required Lenght: 20,000-30,000
    Last edited by Eraizaa-kun; 12th November 2011 at 04:56 PM.

  3. #3
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Make it Shine

    Introduction: I liked the opening part of your story. You created a pleasant family scene that spoke of the riches the family possessed. I do like how you painted a picture of serenity, but inside a little monster lurks, ready to pounce at any sign of weakness.

    The one thing that doesn’t make your intro quite perfect is that you don’t have a real ‘hook’ to capture the attention of a reader. Sometimes a detail filled introduction can serve as that purpose because it draws the reader into whatever scene is taking place. Yours didn’t do that; yes, it was detailed and I enjoyed it, but it didn’t really make me want to read on in the sense that I couldn’t stop reading. I didn’t have that ‘aha!’ moment or I didn’t anxiously wait for what came up next. Not having a hook is fine for hard Pokemon and below, but if you want to go onto complex or higher you definitely want something that draws the eye.


    Plot: I would say just right for a hard mon. You essentially had the growth of a small child here, and by growth I mean character. The story line itself was fairly simple, a pampered girl has to clean her room and comes up with a plan so she doesn’t have to do it. But she is brought off her high house by the relatively disabled Cinccino and she has to win a battle to keep the Pokemon

    Finally the battle section. It felt like you did a bit of God-modding in this battle. Primeape only connected with two of his attacks while Cinncino used a wide spectrum and hit with most of her moves. I get that you used Primeape in the battle because he has the advantage and that you wanted to make the battle more exciting. The only problem was that Primape got ran over by the Normal Pokemon. What you need to do for next Pokemon battles is make sure that the battles seems fair, both from your side and from the opponent’s.

    This story was very entertaining in my opinion. I say that because it’s not only original, but I like how you told the story through the characters. You did this by your use of dialogue. Dialogue can be a tricky medium to use, and even harder to make shine. You pulled it off with style.

    The secretary smiled and said as she walked away, “You two take care of each other.”
    “Yes ma’am!” said Fumiya as she bowed forward. “I’ll have this place spotless. I promise.
    I just chose two random sentences to show what I mean. Beyond using a variety of words in the dialogue, you had each character do something while speaking that gave each person a distinct character of their own.

    Without a doubt this was your strongest section in the story (dialogue), and without it I would have questioned whether the whole idea behind the story worked at all.

    One more thing that I would like to give you kudos on is how Fumiya developed. You started her out as a spoiled kid who want everything handed to her on a platter, but you changed that when you humbled her with the Pokemon. I’ve often seen writers try to develop the character like that, but they usually fail because a reason doesn’t make sense or their execution was lacking. But by having the Pokemon essentially rescue the girl you created that bond that allowed the girl to overcome her personality deficiencies.


    Detail: Pretty good. I liked the subtle languages changes you used:


    The cold autumn breeze was blowing, carrying cheerful bird songs around the yellowing forest. The breeze raised uphill towards the clear azure skies as it passed over a lone house in the mountains.
    ~ Good opening description here. I really liked how you used uncommon colors to describe things.

    Fumiya looked towards the spot where the door used to be and saw a large lady standing there. She looked really strong. Her flat hair style, black skirt, black jacket, and even shades make her look tough as well.
    ~ You didn’t describe what the women looked in terms of facial details like you did the parents or daughter, but I was able to get the picture of a serious woman on a mission.

    This room wasn’t too big, but it was certainly not your average room. Mirrors in all walls, a large water bed in the middle with a vanity on each side of the room and another big pink door which probably lead to a closet. The room would have been the dream of any girl who wanted to be a fairytale princess if it wasn’t for a big flaw. {-}There were dresses all around the floor and on the bed, everything in the vanities was either knocked over or on the floor as well, and the room had a peculiar unappealing odor to it. It was evident that her struggle to get someone other than herself to clean the room had been going on for a long time.
    This is one the of the problems I saw in certain sections during your detail. As you can see the first half detail is pretty good, you have a nice background layout. But the second half is too broad because you just said it was there when you could have showed the reader.

    Above all, more than enough done here for Pokemon of this rank.

    Grammar: Worst part of the story hand down. While the grammar wasn’t terrible it was filled with little errors. I can see you did a good spell check of the story, but it felt like your proofreading was lacking. For a hard Pokemon your grammar was pushing it with these errors, be sure to read more carefully next time.

    After Fumiya slammed the door again, her mom’s face saddened.
    ~ I get what you are saying here, it just comes off as awkward. I would either change some words around or just drop the last half.

    Fumiya slowly walked towards her bed and placed the box gently onto of the white sheets.
    ~ Missing another word or two at this sentence too.

    The {make} simply looked forward again and walked away.
    ~ ‘Make’ should be ‘maid’.

    Fumiya opened the Pokéball letting out a flash of light that materialized on the floor as {he} Cinccino she had seen on the computer.
    ~ ‘He’ should be ‘the’.

    “An anonymous call? But Cinccino hasn’t been here that long...” she whispered to herself when she suddenly remembered the worried look on the {made} who handed her Cinccino’s Pokéball. “Her...it must have been her who let this lady in too...”
    ~ Should be ‘maid’. Make sure if you ever have a maid irl you don’t make these kinds of mistakes XD

    The secretary smiled as she pulled out a Pokéball from her pocket and proposed, “Well, Cinccino seems to want to {proof} something, and so do you.
    ~ Should be prove.

    “Right! I accept your challenge{,} lady,” said Fumiya with a confident voice.
    ~ You need a period here otherwise you are not addressing the person.

    The seeds came out as if shot by a machine gun. Primeape simply jumped forward as {she} seeds pass a bit to its right{,} bursting on the wall behind.
    ~ Another missed word here. A comma there also.

    Primeape{‘s} momentum brought it forward, right in front of Cinccino{,} where it grabbed her as soon as it landed.
    ~ A few mistake again.

    Primeape put its right hand right behind its left{,} making an X-shape with its arms as it ran through all the mess{,} causing dresses to fly to each side, getting closer and closer to Cinccino.
    ~ Commas here because this is extra information and not necessary needed for the sentence to work.


    Length: Overkilled the Cinccino.


    Overall: One of the better tales I’ve read in my time as a grader. It for sure goes in the top five. No qualms:
    .

    @Eraizaa-kun
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 12th November 2011 at 05:25 PM.
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