Magikarp: the Musical [SWC] [Comments Welcome]

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Thread: Magikarp: the Musical [SWC] [Comments Welcome]

  1. #1
    Registered User scarletkitsune's Avatar
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    Default Magikarp: the Musical [SWC] [Comments Welcome]

    WARNING: If you are easily offended by language or Rebecca Black, please hit the back button right now.

    Also I advise listening to the songs while reading if you're not familiar with them. Friday by Rebecca Black and Fuck You by Cee Lo Green. Suck it up, I had to listen to R.B. on loop to write this XD

    Grading Stuff:

    Intended capture: Magikarp (easiest)
    Characters needed: 3-5k
    Actual characters: 3,564

    I totally get it if this story fails. Just wanted to unleash my little bit of horror on the URPG.


    Magikarp: the Musical



    The sun shining through the window woke me up. It was the day that I had been waiting for my entire life. But somehow, I didn’t expect there to be music blaring out of nowhere. Even stranger, I knew all the lyrics and felt compelled to sing along.

    Seven a.m. waking up in the morning,

    Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs.

    Waved goodbye to mom, gonna get my Pokemon.

    Set my clock this morning, the time is going.

    Ticking on and on, and Gary’s ahead.

    Gotta get down to the lab

    Gotta get there first, I see my rivals.


    Should I choose a Squirtle?

    Or maybe a Bulbasaur?

    Gotta make my mind up,

    Which ball can I take?


    It’s my birthday, birthday

    Gotta get a ‘mon on my birthday

    Everybody’s looking forward to the battles, battles.

    It’s my birthday, birthday

    Getting a ‘mon on my birthday

    Everybody’s looking forward to the battles.


    Capturing, capturing (ding!)

    Capturing, capturing (ding!)

    Fun, fun, fun, fun

    Looking forward to the battles.


    7:45 got to Oak’s laboratory,

    Why’d it take so long? It was just next door

    ‘Mons, ‘mons, think about ‘mons

    You know what’s happening.

    He got this, she got that.

    Gary got the Squirtle.

    He got this, she got that.

    And I’m stuck with a Magikarp.


    Should I choose a Squirtle?

    Or maybe a Bulbasaur?

    Gotta make my mind up,

    Which ball can I take?


    It’s my birthday, birthday

    Gotta get a ‘mon on my birthday

    Everybody’s looking forward to the battles, battles.

    It’s my birthday, birthday

    Getting a ‘mon on my birthday

    Everybody’s looking forward to the battles.


    Capturing, capturing (ding!)

    Capturing, capturing (ding!)

    Fun, fun, fun, fun

    Looking forward to the battles.


    Yesterday I was nine, nine.

    But today I am ten, ten.

    We we we so excited

    We so excited

    We gonna grab some balls today.


    Next year I will still be ten,

    And also in the season afterwards

    How is that even possible?


    It’s my birthday, birthday

    Gotta get a ‘mon on my birthday

    Everybody’s looking forward to the battles, battles.

    It’s my birthday, birthday

    Getting a ‘mon on my birthday

    Everybody’s looking forward to the battles.


    Capturing, capturing (ding!)

    Capturing, capturing (ding!)

    Fun, fun, fun, fun

    Looking forward to the battles.


    It’s my birthday, birthday

    Gotta get a ‘mon on my birthday

    Everybody’s looking forward to the battles, battles...



    The music trailed off as I walked toward the tall grass. Suddenly, a trainer jumped out at me, demanding a battle. He had his Magikarp out already and raring to go.

    “I accept!” I said, throwing my pokeball.

    My own Magikarp joined his, and the two water Pokemon flopped around uselessly on the grass.

    “I’ll start this one off,” the other trainer said. “Use Splash!”

    “You do the same thing, Magikarp!” I added.

    There was absolutely no change in either Pokemon’s behavior.

    “Um, try again Magikarp. Splash even harder!” I commanded.

    “Yeah, you too, Magikarp!”

    Suddenly, I heard drums in the background, soon followed by other instruments. My Magikarp mysteriously developed human vocal cords and began to sing:

    I see you running round town

    Battling Pokemon, and I’m like,

    Fuck you.

    The other Magikarp chimed in, “Oo oo ooo”

    I guess just being in your pocket

    Wasn’t enough, so I’m like

    Fuck you

    And this story too.

    I said, "if I were evolved, then I’d gladly battle."

    But I can’t do shit (we can’t do shit)

    And there’s this pain in my chest

    Cause I can’t breathe on land, so

    Fuck you!

    Oo oo ooo



    After sputtering out those parting words, both of our Magikarp died terrible gasping deaths.

    We stood there for a minute, looking at our former starter Pokemon.

    The other trainer shrugged. “Whatever, it was a Magikarp. I hear it’s impossible to not catch one of those.”
    Last edited by scarletkitsune; 10th August 2011 at 09:41 PM.

  2. #2
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magikarp: the Musical [ready for grading]

    Claiming another Magikarp Story, since I'm here anyways

    EDIT:

    OMG WHAT IS THIS?

    EDITB:

    Twas graded awhile a ago just in case anyone was wondering.
    Last edited by sorocoroto; 13th August 2011 at 07:12 PM.

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  3. #3
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magikarp: the Musical [ready for grading]

    Intro
    My first impressions of the story on a whole.

    You're lucky that I love Rebecca Black... parodies. And honestly, I still can't stop singing these songs. It combines two things I like: Pokemon and music.

    Also, I understand that this is a satire, and satires are stories too, so I should grade it within those contexts.

    Plot/Reality
    What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.

    You took the standard story of a kid starting a journey and turned it into a song parody. And as far as parodies go, this one was very good, making references to the anime where Ash doesn't get one of the normal starters, kids can't become trainers until they are 10, and how Ash doesn't seem to age.

    The plot besides the songs is very simple, but that's fine for an easiest story. The Magikarp battle was fairly realistic, given their infamy for being useless. I feel that the whole Magikarp learning how to speak magically was a stretch that needed to be expanded, if this wasn't a satire piece, but it fit the wackiness and tone of the rest of the story.

    It was also a great nod to the anime, mocking the fact that Pokemon that clearly have gills seem to be fine out of water.

    Details:
    What kind of picture did you paint with your words.

    While you didn't have much description of your main character, she is given a sense of humor and carefree appeal as she seems to randomly burst out into song. It reminds me of Dinsey/Pixar film where the female lead, cheery and bright, is feeling so excited that she can't keep it bottled up inside.

    The secondary character isn't as important to the story, so his detail isn't really needed in an Easiest mon capture story.

    You also give good reason to why they can't use Splash on land, since they need water to survive, or more cynically, because they're like WTF and think they're trainers are idiots.

    Which leads back into another song parody, which is also great as it explains why the Magikarp can't really battle and leads to their ultimate demise.

    Grammar:
    What your high school english teacher would point out.

    Now, while most of your story is in song form, where grammar takes a backseat to style, there are other grammatical mistakes/comments in the story that I'd like to point out.
    It was the day that I had been waiting for for as long as I could remember.
    While, not incorrect, the repeated word seems out of place. You could alter sentence a bit to avoid the repeated word: It was the day that I had been waiting for my whole life.

    He had his own Magikarp out already and raring to go.
    Since you only mention that you had a Magikarp once in the song, it might be confusing to reader to see this line. People that skip the song could misunderstand why you have "own" since it would imply that they knew that you had one to. Since it wasn't established enough times, it might be advantageous to remove the "own all together, since you say "My own Magikarp joined his" later on.

    I said, if I were evolved, then I’d gladly battle.
    Ha! Something I can mention in the song is that you still would need the quotation mark around what he says in in song. This is because it should be treated like a quote within a quote, but since your song is italics, you use " instead of ' .

    With those parting words, both our Magikarp died terrible gasping deaths.
    You are missing a preposition here: both of our Magikarp.

    Besides that, the story kept up with lyrical and writing standards as far as I could see.

    Length:
    The length of time it felt like to read this story.

    You cleared the min mark for Easiest stories. But besides that detail, the story was very fun to read as a music enthusiast, a watcher of Pokemon anime and a grader.

    Personal Feelings:
    Really? I have these?

    I love the songs, but where is the love for Charmander? Bulbasaur and Charmander could be switched for a verse, since they would keep the same meter.

    Conclusion:
    One Liner Wrap Ups

    Plot/Reality: Fun fun fun fun
    Details: A well thought out parody
    Grammar: A few comments, but overall it was good
    Length: Took me a bit, because I wanted to sing the songs over and over again.

    Verdict:

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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