Magikarp and the Lake

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  1. #1
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Magikarp and the Lake

    Magikarp and the Lake





    Once upon a time, there was a lush green forest. In the middle of the forest laid a lake. It was not sparkling or clean. No, many companies used the river the drained into this lake as a dumping ground for all their waste, turning it into a sludge filled hole in the ground. Many Magikarp that lived in the lake died, and no one bothered to remove their bodies. Their red-orange scaly bodies were blackened by the poison, while their frail fins were either decomposed or separated from their bodies.

    However, there was still one patch of clean water left. There swam a single Magikarp. His fins were not blackened, and he retained his long yellow whiskers. He predicted that the sludge would inhabit his little clean area by the end of the day.

    “If only I could survive on land,” Magikarp thought to himself

    Suddenly, the nearby bushes started ruffling. Out walked his friend, Benny, a Turtwig, a light-green tortoise-like Pokémon with a brown shell on his back and a seedling on his head.

    “Good morning, Magikarp!” Benny said as he drew closer.

    “Help me!” Magikarp tried to say. However, this Magikarp was special. He could only say his name; even other Pokémon couldn’t understand him.

    “Haha, that’s a funny joke.” Benny liked to humor Magikarp. “Where are all your friends? I wanted to see if you all wanted to play.”

    Magikarp turned and waved his hand towards all his dead brethren. Their bodies slowly drifted with the sludge.

    “No, I don’t want to swim, silly Magikarp. I want to play!”

    Magikarp saw that Benny was obviously oblivious to the current situation. He tried splashing as hard as he could, trying to make the falling water spell out “help” on the dry dirt.

    “Hey, you don’t have to be mean about it. Fine, I’m just going to leave.” Benny turned and walked into the forest.

    “Magikarp!” was all the fish could say as he saw his chances at survival dwindling. He turned and saw that the sludge was about another few inches closer to him. “Magikarp!” he screamed into the forest, hoping that someone would hear him.

    Soon a net swooped up Magikarp. He turned to see a boy in a straw hat, white t-shirt and green shorts. Magikarp had seen many people dressed like this pass by the lake before.

    “Wait a minute… you’re not a bug!” the body exclaimed before flinging his net behind him.

    Magikarp soared through the air and landed in a patch of grass far from the poisoned lake. At first he was glad that he had escaped the lake, but then he remember that he couldn’t breathe on land. Magikarp flopped as hard as he could, but he couldn’t move away from where he’d land. Thinking that this was the end, Magikarp stopped flailing and just closed his eyes.

    Suddenly, Magikarp heard a voice laughing. In the distance, Magikarp could see a little girl in a pink dress skip through the forest. Magikarp cried out, getting the girl’s attention. She swung around and ran towards him.

    “Oh noes!” she exclaimed, placing a hand on each cheek. She picked up Magikarp and cuddled him against her soft head and blonde pigtailed hair. “You ok, little Magikarp?”

    “Magikarp,” he said, shaking his head.

    “Well, I know what you need.” The little girl smiled and carried Magikarp away, cradled in her arms like a baby.

    Magikarp smiled for now he was safe. He felt the wind brush against his fins and then the impact of crashing water all around him. He looked around and saw that the girl had thrown him back into the lake.

    “There, you can’t survive without water.” And with that the blonde girl in the pink dress skipped away.

    Magikarp turned in horror as he saw that his small haven had grew even smaller. He could smell the decomposing bodies of the other Magikarp in the lake. He knew that it wouldn’t be a quick death and prayed that a miracle might happen.

    The sun began to set, wiping the colors of the sky from blue to orange and red to black. Magikarp backed up as far as he could. The pollution had overtaken all but a few feet of the lake. Magikarp tried calling out again, but no one had passed by since the bug boy and the blonde girl. All hope was lost.

    And then, a large spotlight appeared. Magikarp looked up and saw a large circular object floating in the air. His body started floating up, as if this beam was pulling him towards the flying metallic entity. He looked down and saw that clean and polluted water, along with the dead bodies, were also being drawn. Soon he found himself within a large dome, giant circular windows along the circumference. The place was filled with computers, electric coils and these big-headed gray humanoids. They gazed at him with their green eyes, some of them pointing with their red, green and yellow fingers.

    “Put them in the tank!” one called out.

    Surprisingly, Magikarp could understand the aliens. He saw the large glass tank as the beam of light hovered him over it. The light disappeared, and Magikarp plummeted on the bottom. He felt the water follow, but luckily he found himself in the clean water, which only took up a corner of the tank.

    Magikarp swam to the side of the glass and saw the aliens walk up, inspecting him like an experiment.

    “Hmmm… this life form seems to be different from the other, favoring the clear liquid.”

    “It also seems so be a lot more active than the others.”

    “Try mixing up the tank. See how this one will react to the dark liquid.”

    Magikarp watched as two large metallic claws popped out of two holes in the ceiling. They held onto each side of the tank, lifting it up, and started to shake it. The clean water began washing into the dirty water, and Magikarp knew he didn’t have long. He didn’t want to fight it anymore and just relaxed his body. He felt the bodies of the others brushing against him.

    That is when he heard sirens go off.

    “No! The arms are going haywire!” yelled on of the gray aliens.

    Magikarp saw that one of the metal arms let go of the tank and flail around. The second arm started acting crazy too, rotating all around the room. The first arm crashed into one of the windows and then into the tank. The water poured out of hole, and the second arm smashed the tank into the broken window, spilling Magikarp out of the alien ship. He tumbled down and splashed back in the lake below in a three- by-three-feet sliver of clean water. The space ship above him started wobbling as it tried to zoom away.

    Magikarp was back in the lake, and the pollution hadn’t halted its approach. It was a crazy day, and he felt himself falling to sleep. He didn’t have any more strength to care about his fate anymore.

    The next day, His friend Benny appeared from the bushes, a large hose in his beak-like mouth. He pulled it closer to the lake and walked up to Magikarp, who was floating near the edge of the lake.

    “Hey, buddy. I thought that your lake could use some cleaning.” He just stared at Magikarp, unresponsive due to death.

    Benny looked over the lake, which was completely filled with the trash and dangerous chemicals. He turned back to his friend, spitting the hose out.

    “Fine, if you don’t want to talk to me, we’re not friends anymore,” he said as he ran away.



    The moral of the story: Don’t pollute. You’re killing Magikarp, and they never get a break.


    ------------------------------
    Story Notes - Please do not read until after story.


    ------------------------------

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  2. #2
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magikarp and the Lake

    I SHALL GRADE THIS.
    HAHAHAHJSAJFGASF.

  3. #3
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magikarp and the Lake

    Introduction: OH GOD, ONCE UPON A TIME. Once upon a time? Once upon a time? CAN'T GET MORE CLICHÉD THAN THAT, CAN YOU? Just kidding, "Once upon a time" is a fine introduction for any story, especially if you're writing for a Stupefying Pokémon (just kidding again: once upon a time should only be used in desperate circumstances). Once upon a time is a very unoriginal start to any story, and should only be used in so-called "fairy tales", which I believe it is not: you pointed out that it was a bedtime story for your fiancée, but we'll get to that later. Anyway, try to come up with something a little more... thoughtful. Intriguing. Most teenagers or adults don't enjoy something that starts with those four words, unless they're extremely soppy or have the mentality of a Teletubby.

    In any case, the intro slowly falls into the realms of "lolwut". I say this because you have created a whole WOO FAIRY TALE atmosphere with the infamous "once upon a time", but then we get "HOLY SHIT MAGIKARP APOCALYPSE CRUELTY BLARGH"... I mean, what? In any story, you should at least try to make your introduction fit together - either one extreme or another, but not both together, because that makes for a lot of confusiosity. Yes, it is a word; no, I did not make it up. Read some Louise Rennison books and perhaps you'll know what I'm talking about, but otherwise you will have to do with my rambling. Long story short (no pun intended, trololo): "Once upon a time" is strictly frowned upon in my books, even if it is a bedtime story and do not mislead the reader in your introduction - if you're going to set the mood as happy in the intro, don't turn it into sad in the next sentence.

    Plot: Okay, one thing I had a problem with throughout the story, and it doesn't even have to do with the plot - more how a reader would feel. You've pointed out this is a bedtime story for your fiancée, right? If someone read this to me at night-time before I went to sleep, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't sleep very well or have nice dreams. The short and short of it is that it doesn't make well for a bedtime story, but otherwise, your plot is solid. You have a good chronological structure being laid down throughout the story, without the constant hopping back and forward from flashback to present and present to flashback and so on and so forth. You've got a good paragraph structure which appeals to the entire layout kind of thing that graders look for, as we disprove of long blocks of text, as far as I know.

    As far as reality goes, you're fine. Magikarp seem to be actually able to breathe on land as well as in water in plenty of games and the animé, but you've given Magikarp a whole new dimension to its derpy behaviour - its inability to breathe actually makes the story that bit more interesting, and it's little quirks like this that are thought up and created that can really bring a story to life, no matter how dull the plotline can seem - I know you'd obviously think straight away, "Oh, sure, Magikarp's a fish. Fish can't breathe outside of water-- oh shit, he's a Pokémon, but still." I want you to think about things like this in other stories - adapting the games/animé information to suit the style of the story you've settled down to write, as these kinds of things make for good thingymajigers (can't think of the word, sorry). GOOD JOB, YOUNG PADAWAN.

    Grammar/spelling: You're good to go here.

    Detail/description: herp, I don't even know. Detail/description doesn't even matter in an Easiest story anyway, and I'm sure you're an experienced enough writer to be able to know how to describe things fairly well anyway - you actually did give some good description throughout the story, bumping up your credibility of the story from the deadly "oh noes" and "once upon a time" that I got with it. GOOD JOB: KEEP IT UP IF YOU'RE WRITING OTHER EASIEST STORIES. If you're going higher, I expect much better description within the story - more appealing to the senses (touch, smell, taste, sounds are all just as important as visual description), involving the reader fully in the story. If this is not followed out, I shall proceed to slap your face repeatedly with the moustache of a shiny female Magikarp from the Dream World. Yes, they do exist. I have proof which no-one else can see.

    Battle: Magikarp vs. Pollution vs. Benny serves as your climax here. I felt nothing - no excitement, no rush, no anything. While fine for an Easiest story, think about how you can make your battle and climax more intriguing and involving for the reader. UNA EXPERIENCIA INOLVIDABLE is what your story should provide, especially at the very end. The ending seems to me quite abrupt (and not happy, considering that we started off with "once upon a time"). In any case, consider messing about with endings until one seems invigorating and good enough to suit the rest of your story and sum up the plotline, drawing it to a conclusion that can stay in the reader's mind.

    Length: Who cares about this section? 7k is like 2k more than you should have wrote. Go team.

    Outcome: Magikarp captured. Read up on the points above; I won't give you a summary because I'm lazy. Have fun with your floppy fish.

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