Magikarp

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Thread: Magikarp

  1. #1
    Against All Odds ultra's Avatar
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    Default Magikarp

    Magikarp

    It was the end of the Summer, a beautiful September day in the ocean spreading out East of Dewford; the sun sparkled on the water glazing the surroundings and many young pokemon were frolicking in the waters minding their business. I was swimming along admiring the view when a charming female Magikarp asked me of my name. I spoke it as Gregory. She said she was of Western descent, the great grand-daughter of the famous red gyarados of the Johto region. I asked her her name but she declined saying it was too embarrassing. After a short while of insisting I managed to grasp some utter of a word that she was the sister of the infamous Magikarp Wilkins. Wilkins was a food dealer in a market here in Hoenn and from what I had heard it was certainly a lot easier for female Magikarp to receive said food than males. It was in the sad business that poor Wilkins had ironically received a virus from eating his own food resulting in large pimples sprouting over his body. Wilkins' sister sobbed slightly and I laid a reassuring fin on her shoulder. We spoke for a while exchanging anecdotes of pain, joy and even remorse. She gave me her number and said that I should call her and pop in for a visit sometime soon at her holiday house and help look after Wilkins. She said adieu and swiftly swam away in the direction of which she came.

    I called her many a time after a that but I have had no reply back from her. Sometimes I saw her wandering on her lonesome and sometimes even exchanged a smile here and there but we never spoke again after that brief encounter. Sometimes I wonder sitting on a rock under the water by Slateport City what it would be like going shopping with Wilkin's sister, looking after Wilkins and dancing under the moonlight with her.

    In October, I saw her again but this time she was with Michael. Michael Huntingtonworth was a Gyarados and a few years older than I was. His teeth were sharper than mine and he was faster and better at battling than I was, but the way he treated Wilkins' sister was appalling. Wilkins couldn't fight Michael off because he was too weak from the self-poisoning. Whenever I saw them together I would hear Michael yelling at her and ordering her to get food for him of which she'd always respond with "Yes Michael", once I heard her say "No Michael, not this time" and he beat her there and then.

    Christmas Day was the last time I ever saw Wilkins' sister. I hadn't spoken to Wilkins' sister since that day in September and I had finally plucked up the courage three months later. I swam along at ten o'clock in the morning to their house, which was just West off the coast of Dewford underneath where Granite Cave resides above ground, and saw that their lights were off. Strange, their lights were always on at ten and they'd sit down and eat breakfast at half past. I knocked on the door but there was no reply. I decided to try the back door and fortunately found it unlocked and crept into their darkened living room,

    "Hello!" I called, "Merry Christmas!"

    The hollow silence echoed in my ears and I made the slow ascent up the stairs. In a normal house the stairs would've creaked but there was a silence as I ascended higher and higher up, my fin lay on the door at the top and I pushed it open to reveal a sight that has haunted me to this very day. Her dead body lay there on the floor, pale. Two deep gashes caved into her body.. these gashes reminiscent of a gyarados' fangs. I turned to see Michael blocking the door. He gasped my throat and pinned me to the wall, I desperately flailing out but it was too late. Michael's fangs pierced my throat, tossed me aside and left the room in a flash of light.

    As I laid next to the dead body of Wilkins' sister bleeding to death, I looked closer. It wasn't her at all, it was the infamous Wilkins. Who must've got into a fight with Michael on Christmas Day. I put a fin to my neck to keep the blood from pumping out and limped slowly out of the bedroom door and down the stairs. I didn't care if Michael was down there, I was going to die anyway and I wouldn't make it to the nearest hospital either. To my luck Michael had gone. I heard a sobbing from somewhere in the house. In the kitchen I finally found her, Wilkins' sister was cowering under a table she seemed unharmed but judging by the sound of her voice she knew what had happened.

    "Gregory!" She screamed in horror looking at me, I didn't have long left.

    She said some things, I couldn't make out I just nodded and said everything would be all right. She drew me in and wept. It felt warm. Then, I smiled and I closed my eyes.



    Last edited by ultra; 10th September 2011 at 12:31 PM.

  2. #2
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magikarp

    Intro
    My first impressions of the story on a whole.

    Four Paragraphs. Your story is just one big chunk of text basically. This made it unreadable until I c/p’d it into Microsoft Word and paragraphed it myself. So visually, your

    I do have to say that you have a couple of good descriptions.

    Plot/Reality
    What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.

    Your plot was very confusing, but most of it was because of grammar and detail issues, and so I tried my best to figure it out. Your character is a Gyrados who meets a Magikarp, whose brother is also a Magikarp that happens to work as a food dealer in a marker close by.

    Here are the major issues that confused me:

    Now, here was my first confusion. You mention that there are humans around, so this is taking place is a world similar to the game/anime. Pokémon are captured and used for battle. Then my question was, “Why is there a diseased-ridden Magikarp that sells food in a world where Pokémon are pets/battling tools?”

    Second issue that pops up is that midway through, Wilkins’ sister goes shopping. Again, since you established early on that there were humans, this seems unlikely. You’d have to include more detail about how humans/Pokémon interact in this world.

    The whole beating in public thing didn’t confuse me. That was a good detail, since of the whole crowd mentality thing. Maybe you could play it up more.

    Lastly, while I do like the whole Micheal being alone in their quiet house, it doesn’t really leave anything for us to go on. Did he kill the two Magikarp? How did he do it? Did he eat them? I kinda get the whole killer vibe thing going on with Micheal, but you just need to sell it more. Also, you mentioned that the sight haunted your character to this day, which implies that he wasn’t hurt, which also could imply that Michael would have been caught. There’s just not enough information.


    Details:
    What kind of picture did you paint with your words.

    Like I said, you have pretty good detail for an Easiest mon, but then you have details which sinks you a bit.

    I already mentioned they whole trainer-Pokémon relationship. When writing a story, you have to remember that the most common reader of your story is someone who has at least played the game. So when you write a story that deviates from the norm that everyone is used to, you have to tread softly, explaining different choices that you make through creative writing. So in your case, you could mention like an underwater society just off the coast where human can’t get to normally.

    If you want to have it so that Pokémon take the place of humans in the world (that is Pokémon aren’t used for battling and can run around free and shop and play, etc) then take out the line about humans (you have two). Usually if a person sees a story without humans, then there is an understanding of the concept I mentioned.

    However, if you try to go somewhere in between, you need to help the readers understand the world you’re in.

    Also, for harder difficulties, you need to remember that you should describe the Pokémon as if no one has ever seen one. It just helps to create the visual. Remember, this isn’t a comic or a tv show. Provide just enough detail to start people’s mind aflowing. But this amount should be fine for Easiest and Simple.


    Grammar:
    What your high school english teacher would point out.

    Remember that you need to paragraph every so often at least to create a format that is easy on the eyes. Even if you just create a new paragraph for each different month, the story would improve in a readers’ eye.

    So I won’t go over stuff like spelling mistakes and minor punctuation mistakes, but I’ll address things that happened a lot.


    In September 1998, It was a beautiful day in the ocean spreading out East of Dewford, the sun sparkling on the water glazing the surroundings and many young humans were battling their newly caught water pokemon.
    This was the first instance where you had forgotten the comma that separates compound sentences, but there were other mistakes in it, so I figured that I’d mention them.

    When it comes to dates, it is proper to use “on” instead of “in.” The concept of time is odd: We will meet in 45 minutes. But we will meet at 2 o’clock. And We will me on the first of June. When the year is involved,

    Second, “it” isn’t a proper noun nor the first word of the sentence.

    Thirdly, the last bold text is the part of the run on sentence that creates it. “The sun sparkling on the water glazing the surroundings” describes Dewford because it has the “ing” verb, but “many young humans were battling” is a complete phrase that can stand on its own. A simple fix is inserting a comma after “surroundings.”


    I asked her her name but she declined saying it was too embarassing.
    This is a compound sentence with two phrases that can be separated and could stand on their own. I also wanted to mention that it is odd to have two pronouns next to each other like this, even if the sentence still makes sense. By inserting the word that seems to be omitted “for” you get rid of this problem. Lastly, there are two “r”s in embarrassing.

    It was in the sad business that poor Wilkins had himself received a virus from intercourse with the females resulting in large pimples sprouting over his body.
    I think that you wanted to say in “this” sad business. Since this sentence comes right after the sentence that mentions his profession, you shouldn’t use a simple article like “the.” But this is a minor issue.

    Sometimes I wonder sitting on a rock under the water by slateport city, going shopping with Wilkin's sister and looking after Wilkins and dancing under the moonlight with her.
    This sentence didn’t really make sense at all. The way it is structured, it seems like Gregory (“I”) is going shopping with the sister and looking after Wilkins. I think that you were trying to say that he imagines doing these things with her, but this sentence doesn’t really convey it. You could say something like:


    Also I noticed that you kept switching from capitalizing cities/Pokémon species and not capitalizing.

    .
    I decided to try the back door and fortunately found it unlocked and crept into their darkened living room,
    You just used a comma instead of a period.



    Length:
    The length of time it felt like to read this story.

    You met the minimum CC, but again, paragraphing issue.

    Personal Feelings:
    Really? I have these?

    It really seems like you had a good plot going, but then stuck Pokémon to it. I feel that it could be developed more. I’ve read your other story on here, and I gotta say that you have excellent writing skills, but they just didn’t shine here.

    Conclusion:
    One Liner Wrap Ups

    Plot/Reality: Pokémon own houses? Magikarp can climb stairs?
    Details: Need a bit more to explain what’s going on at the end.
    Grammar: Paragraph and commas.
    Length: Met the character count min.


    Verdict:

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  3. #3
    Against All Odds ultra's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magikarp

    Plot/Reality: You don't get it. It is written in the view of the Magikarp. I gave the Magikarp human characteristics. This is called personification.
    Details: I built up suspense and made the reader wonder what would happen next. This is called a cliffhanger.
    Grammar: Minor Spelling mistakes shouldn't account for the Verdict of an Easiest mon.
    Length: I didn't see a problem here.
    Verdict: I'm confused, I thought you couldn't fail an Easiest mon.

  4. #4
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magikarp

    @ultra

    1) Personification is a literary tool used to describe non-humans in a human-like way. For example "the sun smiled down at us." Or "the traffic light hates me." It is just figurative, as the sun doesn't have a human face and the traffic light doesn't have emotional feelings.

    What you are thinking of is Anthropomorphism. Anthropomorphism taking personification one step further and making the non-human actually displays emotions and ability to reason and is actually is walking around acting like a a human. Think the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. You said that Wilkins was a food dealer in a market in Hoenn. That plus the added shops that the sister visits and two story house denotes that you placed your characters into the role of humans in the world.

    This can be left alone if there are no humans, but just like in Alice in Wonderland, it is surprising to the Alice that the Rabbit is walking around like a human. You give no explanation how these Pokemon that are walking around in shops interact with humans besides the fact that trainers catch them, which doesn't sit well if Pokemon can just roam free as well. If you just removed the human characters, this wouldn't have been a problem.

    Also, you never actually say that your character is a Magikarp, and since you compare him to the Gyarados and say that he was floating, one would easily mistake your character for a Gyarados.

    2) Cliffhangers are fine, but having to much hang on the end especially in a very short story isn't good. The story didn't have enough build up for it to really work.

    3) It didn't, but it was a part of a sentence that had other problems with it so I needed to point it out.

    4) Yep

    5)
    Quote Originally Posted by Alaskapigeon View Post
    Yeah. Pretty much you can fail Easiest Pokemon for these reasons:

    1. The story is way too short.
    2. The story is pretty much unreadable.
    3. The Pokemon they're trying to capture isn't in the story.
    4. The story is in a unique format (like mine was) and is pretty borderline and you really feel like the author didn't put much effort into it.
    As I said, paragraphing was the major issue, and Scourge agrees with me that this point fits as your story was basically one giant paragraph. Also, I've seen your other story on the URPG, so I know that you understand this concept, which adds to why this was failed.

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  5. #5
    Against All Odds ultra's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magikarp

    Ah sorry :) Improved it now.

  6. #6
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magikarp

    The Fallout
    How your changes effected the rest of the story.

    The paragraphing improved and you took out the extra bits about humans, which helped address the issue I had with the Anthropomorphism in the normal Pokémon world. Also, I liked this ending better as there was a light twist with the sister not being the one killed and some conflict.

    However, I’m not sure if he died or not. Was it supposed to be a cliffhanger, because there is one line that you kept from before that argues that he lives:

    I pushed it open to reveal a sight that has haunted me to this very day.
    I guess you can counter-ague and say that since he died that day, it could have haunted him for the few minutes he remained alive, but you can see how it can be a bit confusing.

    Don’t forget the commas before the conjunctions, as when you added the new changes, you had missed one or two.

    Also, something that I didn’t notice the first time, but Gregory says that he knew when they’d sit down and eat breakfast, which seems a bit of stalkery. This isn’t a problem though, just needed to point it out.

    Overall, much better.


    Verdict:

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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