The Magical Magikarp
Results 1 to 2 of 2

Thread: The Magical Magikarp

  1. #1

    Default The Magical Magikarp

    The Magical Magikarp

    Pokemon: Magikarp
    Grade: Easiest
    Words: 1040
    Characters including spaces: 5501
    This Is My first story I'm sorry If It sucks

    -Comments accepted and appreciated-

    Early one morning Drake was lying by the lake with his first ever friend Rio (his Riolu) gazing into the sky watching the clouds float by. "Rio. We've been friends for as long as I can remember, and even though you don't like to fight you have always helped me out when I needed It most. I really couldn't ask for a better friend."
    Rio closed Its eyes and felt proud to have a friend like Drake. One reason why Drake and Rio are such good friends Is because they both had no one until they met each other, but there Is one reason why these two found one another. Drake as does Rio have the special ability to sense aura, Through this power they were able to guide themselves to each other, and once they met face to face they knew that they would be friends for life. Though they were talking, no one could hear a word that was being said. Thanks to this ability, they had overcome many challenges. Then a voice floated through the Aura. "Well, well, well, what do we have here?"
    Rio looked at up at Drake. "What was that?" looking Into Rio's eyes "Wait, that wasn't you?”
    The two closed there eyes and focused to sense where this new aura was coming from. A blue vortex in front of them lead to the lake. Rio pointed at the lake and looked at Drake "Its coming from over there!"
    They ran to the lake and looked into the depths, as they looked deep into the water they seen a shadow emerge. Rio then turned to Drake "What Is It?"
    Kneeling down to the waters edge, Drake placed his hand above the water "Who Is this and what Is It you want?"
    A strange voice floated to the surface of the water “You can understand me; how Is that possible?”
    Drake burst out with laughter and Rio used aura to speak to unfamiliar voice “You must have the power of Aura too, that's the only way were able to talk to you.”
    Drake calmed himself down and spotted a Tentacool in the middle of the lake “I got an idea, Try and insult that Tentacool over there.”
    Then the shadow got closer and closer the the surface until It jumped out of the water “are you insane!”
    at that moment Drake and Rio knew what they were talking to. Drake stood up and smiled “So your a Magikarp!”
    It lifted its head out of the water “Yes I'm a Magikarp. Why would I be so stupid and insult a Tentacool that's clearly stronger than me?”
    Rio pulled at Drakes Jeans “Why are you trying to get him in trouble?” Rio then suddenly understood what Drake was trying to prove “Oh I get it, Magikarp trust me there is nothing to worry about.”
    The Magikarp then turned away from the two of them “I'm to scared, I'm to weak and If I anger him I'll be In a lot of trouble.”
    Drake put his hand on the Magikarp's back and felt how Magikarp was feeling, and was able to see Into It's memories, after he removed his hand both Drake and the Magikarp knew everything about each other. “Okay, I trust you Drake.”
    Magikarp then used the power of aura “Hey, you oversized jellyfish! Your so weak I could kick your butt!” The Magikarp then braced It self for the worst. But when he opened his eyes the Tentacool was exactly where he was when he last checked, “You were right! Only those with this power can hear I said.”
    Before he could finish he realised that Rio and Drake was on the floor in hysterics, Drake got back up still laughing “That was the funniest thing I ever heard Magi.” The Magikarp looked up at Drake “You called me Magi. Why?”
    Rio knew what Drake was up to “Of course I did, I always give my friends nicknames.”
    The Magikarp was shocked to be called a friend “I. I'm your friend?”
    Rio and Drake nodded. The Magikarp looked as If It was going to cry, Drake waked up to the Magikarp “Listen Magi, I would be Honoured to have such a brave Pokemon like you as my friend. And I would love to have you on my team.”
    the Magikarp looked at Drake and disparately wanted to say yes, but he had a different idea in mind so at that moment he covered them in water using splash. Drake covered his eyes and yelled through the noise Magikarp was making “What are you doing?”
    The Magikarp just kept splashing thinking to himself “I want to join him, but I'm not going to go that easy!”
    Rio picked up Magikarp's thoughts and transferred them to Drake, “Ah so you want it like that! Rio climb up the closest tree and jump over the wall of water now!”
    Rio recognised Drakes command and did as he said, he leapt from its tallest branch over the wall of water straight towards the Magikarp. Drake could sense what Rio was seeing “Get a bit closer. Now use force palm!”
    The Magikarp then leapt in the direction Rio was coming from "Your forgetting I can sense everything you do!”
    Before Rio could use force palm the Magikarp countered with flail! Sending Rio back at Drake. Rio was standing ready for Drakes next move but Drake was struggling “What should I do? He'll counter everything I tell Rio to do!”
    then It struck him “I got It! Rio; do as I say not what my aura tells you!”
    As Drake's aura told Rio to run to the side of the lake, jump over and use Quick attack. Drake instructed Rio “Do the same as last time Rio!”
    Magikarp was confused, what he heard and what he sensed were to different things, so he prepared to defend against what he sensed and used splash in the wrong direction. “Now force palm!” Magikarp turned just before seeing Rio's attack. Magikarp was on the verge of fainting when he seen Drake throw a pokeball towards him “well we both got what we wanted.”
    Drake overheard what Magikarp was thinking “Yeah, a new friend.”
    Last edited by Dragonsavior2; 24th April 2010 at 05:36 PM.

  2. #2
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010

    Default Re: The Magical Magikarp

    Well. Your story actually is very good in many respects.
    First of all, your introduction is good-- it tells us who Drake is, to some extent, what his past with Rio is, and explains Drake's 'special ability,' the power to use Aura. That in itself is great, because it's a plot point as opposed to just a character quirk.
    As to plot, well, it's exactly what I'd expect, and that's good. Until you get to higher 'levels' of catch difficulty, there's no point to anything more than a simple, "Trainer has starter Pokémon, meets and battles a Pokémon, and captures it." Complex plots are highly unnecessary when your target number of characters is 3000. Content-wise, I like how you put a spin on it by having the use of Aura be the main thing driving the plot (Drake and Rio noticing Magikarp, then using Aura in the battle.)
    The battle is well done-- while it leaves a few details vague, it's quite easy to understand what's going on at all times, and it isn't just two Pokémon flailing at each other turn-based style (no one wants to see that unless they're playing the game! xD)

    One thing I would ask you to work on in future is your grammar. It's all understandable, with the exception of a few sentences that I had to work to decipher, but there's always room for improvement. Things like putting a period before the beginning of a quote:
    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonsavior2
    Drake overheard what Magikarp was thinking “Yeah, a new friend.”
    This would be,
    --Drake overheard what Magikarp was thinking. "Yeah, a new friend."

    The exception to this would be if the verb before the quote is something like 'said.' For instance:
    --"This," Drake said, "isn't what I planned!"
    --Riolu asked, "What did you have in mind, then?"
    Example from your story:
    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonsavior2
    Drake covered his eyes and yelled through the noise Magikarp was making “What are you doing?”
    --Drake covered his eyes and yelled, through the noise Magikarp was making, "What are you doing?"

    As a rule of thumb, a quotation mark ("), unless it's at the beginning of a paragraph, should never be preceded by anything but : , .
    That was one of the issues; the others that I noticed most involved use of commas, as well as capitalization. Only things at the beginning of sentences, proper nouns (names), and the word 'I' should be capitalized. This includes the first letter after a " mark, though (that letter should also be capitalized, which you did right.)

    Anyhow, despite the fact that you need to work on your grammar (there were actually very few misspelled words,) this story is more than sufficient to catch an Easiest-ranked Pokémon. Kudos.

    Magikarp: CAUGHT.
    Last edited by Magikchicken; 25th April 2010 at 02:20 PM.
    My Stats Page

    The Light Story
    The Shadowed Story

    The Dark Story

    A Glimpse of the Future

    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his FFA winnings??"
    "They're OVER 9000!!!"


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts