Magical Magikarp

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Thread: Magical Magikarp

  1. #1
    Pokemon Collector Ebiltun's Avatar
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    Post Magical Magikarp

    Target Pokemon: Magikarp
    Required Characters: 3,000 - 5000 characters
    Characters: 3038 characters
    Notes: This is my first story.

    ~~~

    "Hey, Sparky, do you want to go fishing with me?" I asked the agitated Pichu. "I will give you a nice treat if you come with me."

    "Pichu Pi!" The eager Pokemon jumped on my back, and we went to the nearest lake.

    When we got there, I grabbed my rod, and gave a rod to Pichu. We casted our Rods and watched our Bite Indicators.

    After countless hours of fishing, we didn't catch anything. I decided to jump into the Lake. A loud splash sound echoed all around the lake. Sparky got wet with water, but shook the water off. The first thing I saw, was a school of Magikarp that were heading in my direction. I was aghast. I swam as quickly as I can to the shore. I asked Sparky if he could swim, and he nodded his head.

    "Pichu!" Sparky said while accidentally shocking me. I then fell into the lake.

    When I woke up, I was on shore, next to a Magikarp. "Let's see if we can catch this Sparky." I said.

    "Pichu!"

    "Okay, use Thunder Shock!"

    "Pi-chu!" A spark blasted from Sparky's ears and landed straight onto the Magikarp. The Magikarp was blasted so high, it touched the clouds. It looks like it used it to its advantage. It flailed the Pichu while it came down. Pichu seemed to be knocked-out.

    "Sparky!" I ran right in front of the Pichu. I put Pichu back into its Pokéball. The Magikarp bounced right back into the lake. "Don't worry Sparky, I will bring you to a Pokemon Center." I said to the Pokéball.

    I ran as fast as I can to the nearest Pokemon Center. "Nurse Joy!" I said to the lady at the Counter. "My Pichu, Sparky, is hurt from Magikarp's flail move."

    "How is Magikarp stronger than your Pichu? Never Mind. Let me borrow your Pokemon for a few seconds." Nurse Joy said as she put the Pokéball into a machine. A short song played as the Pichu was healing. "All better. Here is your Pichu." Nurse Joy said happily.

    "Thank you Nurse Joy. I am going back to the lake, and try to find the Magikarp" I said.

    "Good Luck!" said Nurse Joy as we left the Pokemon Center. I let Sparky out of its Pokéball. We headed to the same lake we encountered the Magikarp at. Suddenly, the Magikarp splashed onto shore. It happened to be the same Magikarp we saw earlier.

    "Magikarp."

    "Pichu." Sparky and Magikarp were staring in each others eyes.

    "Okay, Sparky use Thunder Shock!"

    "Pi-Chu!" The Thunder Shock hits Magikarp so hard, it flew up into the sky again.

    "Now use Tail Whip!"

    "Pi, Pichu!" The Tail Whip hits Magikarp as it comes down. The Magikarp landed into the lake.

    "Not exactly as I planned it, but oh well." I said.

    "Pichu?"

    "Do you want me to catch the Magikarp?" I asked Sparky.

    "Pichu!"

    "I shall take that as a yes from you. Let's wait till the Magikarp comes up to the top of the lake." After about 10 minutes of waiting, the Magikarp splashed back into the air. "Okay, Pokéball, go!" I threw the Pokéball right at the Magikarp.

    "Magikarp?" It said as it being dragged right inside the Pokéball.

    The Pokéball landed right in front of Pichu. The Pokéball rolling around as we wait to see if we caught it or not.
    Last edited by Ebiltun; 8th August 2011 at 05:08 PM.

  2. #2
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magical Magikarp (Ready For Grading)

    I will claim this for my return to grading!

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  3. #3
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magical Magikarp (Ready For Grading)

    Intro
    My first impressions of the story on a whole.

    The story is very short, but that made it a very quick read and, in turn, a fast grade. I took the fact that this is your first story into consideration while writing this grade.

    Introductions are important as it is what draws you into the story. The beginning seems rushed and it doesn't give a clear sense of setting, besides its near a lake. Did your main character have to travel far to get to the lake? Where was he/she before asking Pichu? What Region are you in? These are some of the questions that you might know the answer to, but unless its written down, the reader will have no clue.l

    Also, I don't really understand how the Magikarp was magical, as your title suggests.

    Plot/Reality
    What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.

    Your plot is very simple, but had a few plot points that don't make much sense:

    "Pichu!" Sparky said while accidentally shocking me. I then fell into the lake.

    When I woke up, I was on shore, next to a Magikarp. "Let's see if we can catch this Sparky." I said.
    I wasn't sure of two things here:

    1) Was your main character(MC) knocked out? It seems like a small shock from a Pichu wouldn't do that, but I guess he/she (there isn't any indication of a gender) was wet, so it did more damage. Regardless, was he/she saved by Pichu or Magikarp?

    2) Is Magikarp on the shore or in the water next to the shore? Since it was blasted off by Pichu later, I couldn't tell, because then it would have been pretty helpless to start off.

    After about 10 minutes of waiting, the Magikarp splashed back into the air
    How do we know if this is the same Magikarp from before? But it's still pretty lols cause I believe that a Magikarp could be caught in a Pokeball with taking any damage. But still, 10 minutes is a long time to wait for the same Pokemon to appear. Plus wouldn't they heal themselves while MC is waiting? I suggest making it like one minute.

    Details:
    What kind of picture did you paint with your words.

    There was very little detail in your story. For one thing, I don't know your Main Character's name. Secondly, to quote Professor Oak: are you a boy or a girl? While it might seem like a trivial thing, a name connects the reader to the character in questions. Also, give the gender; a reader would react differently to the character as well as the character would act differently throughout the story.

    For example, if your MC was a boy, the reader will think, "Oh, a boy and his Pokemon go fishing. He might be experienced enough for that, given societal dictation of gender roles." But if your MC was a girl, the reader might think, "Ah, a girl that fishes; how quaint. And she has a cute little Pichu."

    Right now, your character seems like just a random NPC that the reader can't relate to. So, go ahead, give them a wacky hair color or glasses or whatever. Just because you're in the character requirements doesn't mean you can't lengthen the story by jazzing up your descriptions.

    Another thing is that the battling is not very descriptive. For example:
    It flailed the Pichu while it came down. Pichu seemed to be knocked-out.
    You can go way more into detail about how Magikarp's attack effected Pichu. Pichu could have flopped around on the shore, causing a cloud of sand to rise up all around it. Pichu's eyes could have gone all swirly like in the anime.

    Another time that lots of detail is needed is:
    "Now use Tail Whip!"

    "Pi, Pichu!" The Tail Whip hits Magikarp as it comes down. The Magikarp landed into the lake.
    Instead of repeating the name of the move, you could describe Pichu's stubby black tail smacking square into Magikarp's face, sending Magikarp flying into the lake. It's easier to envision it happening in your head, rather than writing it down, but it's something you'll understand as you write more stories.

    Lastly in this section:
    Sparky got wet with water, but shook the water off.
    This sentence was very redundant with you repeating water and saying that water made Sparky wet; it's kinda self explanatory.

    Grammar:
    What your high school english teacher would point out.

    The section is going to get the most hits, but I'm going to focus on a few specific topics first. The first issue that appeared throughout your story was capitalization.

    We casted our Rods and watched our Bite Indicators.
    Rods is not a proper noun because you are just referring to the normal rods that you brought with you on the fishing trip. However, the Bite Indicators is a proper noun, because it is a specific concept, so you were correct in capitalizing it.

    I decided to jump into the Lake.
    Again, you are not referring to a specific lake like Lake Michigan, but any other lake.

    Lastly for capitalization: when it comes to Pokemon moves, it is totally fine to have them lowercase or uppercase, but be consistent.

    "Okay, use Thunder Shock!"

    "My Pichu, Sparky, is hurt from Magikarp's flail move."
    In most of your story, moves are capitalized, but its not here.

    Next comes my favorite/most common mistake made by everyone, not just you, so don't worry too much about this section: Dialogue Tags.

    Dialogue Tags are basically the extra words tacked onto a dialogue, for instance: "I said" or "she asked." Now the problem most people have with this is when to use comma versus periods. When it comes to "I said" such as in:
    "Let's see if we can catch this Sparky." I said.
    You should instead use a comma. This is because the verb said is acting upon the dialogue. It works like this whether it is before or after the dialouge.

    More instances of this in your story:
    "Not exactly as I planned it, but oh well." I said.

    "Thank you Nurse Joy. I am going back to the lake, and try to find the Magikarp" I said.

    "Magikarp?" It said as it being dragged right inside the Pokéball.
    Now, in the case of the last one, it is hard to notice. But, Magikarp is still saying "Magikarp" so the dialogue is the beginning of the sentence, which means "It" needs to be "it."

    The last big topic is tenses. You should keep a steady tense throughout the story (besides dialogue of course." At the very least, you should keep the same tense throughout a paragraph.

    The Tail Whip hits Magikarp as it comes down. The Magikarp landed into the lake.
    Here you have present tense followed by past tense.

    Also, when it comes tenses, you had this problem a few times:
    I swam as quickly as I can to the shore.
    Since it is the past tense, instead of can, which is present tense, you should use the past tense: could.

    MISC. errors:
    It looks like it used it to its advantage
    Too many its. After some thinking, I was able to figure out which its belonged to what, but as a reader, they shouldn't have to think about it too long. A suggestion would be:
    It looked like Magikarp used its height to its advantage.
    While it is only one less it, you can easily tell what each it belongs.

    It flailed the Pichu while it came down.
    Now here, you don't have to capitalize the "f" in flailed since the actual move is Flail. But the sentence doesn't make sense unless you change "the" to "at" since Magikarp is flailing at Pichu.

    You also use the phrase "the Pichu" a lot. Since Pichu belongs to the MC and he/she is the narrator, it wouldn't make sense for a trainer to refer to his/her Pokemon with "the." Either remove the "the" or replace it with "my" to give the sense of attachment between the MC and Pichu.

    Also, you mention that Sparky is a "he" when you ask if he could swim, but later on
    I put Pichu back into its Pokéball.
    Again, consistency is very important, and even more so when you start to write longer stories.

    We headed to the same lake we encountered the Magikarp at.

    It happened to be the same Magikarp we saw earlier.
    If you read this out loud, it sounds off, because, typically, you would put "that" between the bolded words. However, this is just something that will improve your grammar, but not deduct too much points.

    "Pichu." Sparky and Magikarp were staring in each others eyes.
    Others should be other's because its possessive and in should be into. In denotes where, while into is more of an entrance. Like I went into the cave, versus I am in the navy.

    Lastly:
    "Magikarp?" It said as it being dragged right inside the Pokéball.

    The Pokéball rolling around as we wait to see if we caught it or not.
    In both cases, a verb is missing in order to make the sentence make sense. It said as it WAS being dragged, and the Pokeball WAS rolling around. Also, wait should be the past for waited if you keep a consistent past tense throughout the story.

    Length:
    The length of time it felt like to read this story.
    As I said before, the story was really quick to read; however, it wasn't the easiest thing to read. First off, as I have said, you have a lot of grammar mistakes, which you can easily fix. If a reader notices something amiss like grammar it causes them to stop for a brief second before moving on. Secondly, there wasn't a lot of detail, which while made it fast to get through, but not as engaging to read.

    While you might have dented the minimum character required for the Magikarp, there are too many other things that you need to fix for this section to pull you grade up. The min/max is more of the guideline. Even if you fall short, if the rest of the story is good, you can succeed. The best bet it to write without thinking about the min/max and afterwards seeing where you lie.



    Personal Feelings:
    Really? I have these?

    Honestly, this story felt like it was rushed to get posted. Before you post anything, you should read it out loud and see if anything sticks out to you. You could even ask a friend to "beta" it for you.

    There was one line that made me laugh though:
    A short song played as the Pichu was healing.
    Having humor like this really spices up the story and keeps people wanting to read more, especially if it ties into the game/anime/manga.

    Conclusion:
    One Liner Wrap Ups

    Plot/Reality: Simple with a few hiccups that can be scared away rather easily.
    Details: Tell me about yourself, anything, a name will do.
    Grammar: Many different errors that you could fix by reading out loud.
    Length: Say what you say beautifully, not quickly.

    Verdict:
    Last edited by sorocoroto; 8th August 2011 at 02:44 PM.

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  4. #4
    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magical Magikarp (Ready For Grading)

    Quote Originally Posted by Scourge of Nemo View Post
    Graders, stop failing Easiest stories.

    Writers, if you have a failed Easiest story that I missed, let me, Kat, or Taras know, and we'll overturn it for you.
    Yeah, this was posted before you came back, @sorocoroto . The thing is, a lot of graders have been failing Easiest stories when the stories themselves are okay for such an easy capture. After reading the the story, while Ebiltun has some problems with grammar, it doesn't make the story unreadable. While the plot is not perfect, it's good enough for a Magikarp.

    @Ebiltun

    Magikarp captured!

    - Kat


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  5. #5
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magical Magikarp

    Boo, you're just too nice about things. Oh and ATF said I can blame him if it was overturned. So boo @AmericanTreeFrog.

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  6. #6
    bad wolf Scourge of Nemo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Magical Magikarp

    Strictness has its place in Hard+ capture levels. Use more of it there. We certainly need it.
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