The Lowdown on Lotad

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  1. #1
    Registered User Airik's Avatar
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    Default The Lowdown on Lotad

    The Lowdown on Lotad

    It was summer time and Airik was in the Kanto region at Celadon city to give a talk on a very special pokemon. You see Airik was a Botanical Anatomist and one of the leading authorities on grass type pokemon. The Celadon city gym; it was packed usually only used when challengers wished to battle the gym leader. Today, it was packed out with scientists and professors from all over, all of them eager to listen to several special guest speakers, and Airik was up next.

    Airik looked around the room, there where a few familiar faces in the crowd, however most of them where unknown to him. Most of these would be students or investors looking to benefit off of the back of somebody else's research. Airik himself was 5'8" tall wearing a long white labcoat over a bright blue hooded jumper, black 3/4 length shorts and bright green canvas trainers and a weeks worth of facial hair growth. He looked more like a homeless man child but in actual fact he was one of the worlds leading authorities on grass type pokemon.

    "Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for joining me here today on this very lovelly summers day," he said this as he picked up his note cards and gave them a quick tap to straighten them up.

    "Today I am going to talk about Lotad, this particular pokemon is rather unique being the only water and grass hybrid discovered to date. What is so intriguing about this is the amount of natural vegitation that lives in aquatic environments." So far so good he thought to himself.

    "There are many different species of aquatic plants, one of the larges of which is the Amazon Water Lilly, other examples include the water hyacinth, the floating heart and the duckweed. Aquatic plants are even farmed for human consumtion: wild rice, water caltrop and watercress to name but a few examples of aquatic plants that are common everywhere on earth." Airik again glanced down at his notes and out towards the crowd, he had begun to start to picture several distinguished researchers naked in order to help steady his nerves.

    "So with this abundance of aquatic plant life why have we encountered only one water and grass hybrid pokemon. Well let's look at Lotad maybe the clue is there, It is commonly found in wetlands like natural lakes and ponds." Airik took a sip of his water to clear his throat before continuing "Lotad has a blue body with a yellow bill-like mouth and six small blue legs. It appears to have a lillypad on its back. This could be camouflage allowing it to hide while submerged."

    "As Lotad evolves into Lombre its form changes, it's colouring goes from being blue to aqua with a green pattern extending from the sides of its head down to its feet, mimicking a garment of sorts. The colour of Lombre's bill changes to from yellow to red, but it retains the familliar Lilypad of its previous evolution, although it has grown in size." More of the audience now appeared to be naked to Airik's mind. "Lombre at this stage has become Bipedal, its stance and garment-like colouring have led many to think the lillypad resembles a sombrero. It's arms are long in comparison to its body, each ending in four red coloured fingers and one thumb each."

    Airik looked around the room and he seemed to have everyones attention, this gave him more confidence. "Lombre's feet, which are green from the colouration pattern, have three red toes. It is very human like, so much so that on several ocasions they have been mistaken for human children." Airik looked around the room before having another sip of his water. "Lombre is a Mischievous pokemon, Lombre is also noturnal. It sleeps at the waters edge in a bed of water grass during the day before becoming active at night."

    "Ludicolo on the other hand is a mixture of a pineapple and a duck. Ludicolo appears to sport a poncho and a green sombrero, which looks similar to a lily pad. It is coloured yellow with black eyes and an orange bill. Its green, somewhat mitten-like hands are extremely large in comparison to other Pokémon's hands, and has two black lines of markings on its palms. There is a large, green sombrero-like feature on its head, with a short brown stem coming out of the top of it with a yellow spiky upper portion. There are several dark yellow stripes on its body and around its eyes is a patch of green. Ludicolo's legs are thick, green and sport a pattern of a black circle on the foot's underside." Airik looked up at the crowd they seemed to be eager to hear what he had to say

    "This particular pokemon lives its life in the wild at the waters edge, but the majority of water in the world is in the oceans and seas and most of the depths of those oceans have yet to be fully explored. I believe the key to finding more water and grass hybrids comes in the form of exploration." Airik took a deep breath and paused for a moment to let his words sink in. "Exploration of the oceanic forrests will likely yield startling results, it's a whole ecosystem barely looked at by scientists and researchers. Deep Aquatic vegitation and the marine life that live surrounded by it is the key to understanding and uncovering more pokemon like Lotad."

    "Thank you for coming to my talk, which I call the Lowdown on Lotad. Please if you have any questions about the talk feel free to speak to me after the seminar" Airik bowed and left the stage the nerves he had felt previously dissapated and he took his seat in the crowd to await for the next speaker.

    After the end of the seminar several people came up to Airik and on even offered to fund a research trip in the Hoenn region. Airik was excited this kind of funding was what he had only dreamed for out of today's seminar and now it was a reality.

    Last edited by Airik; 18th June 2012 at 02:37 AM.

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Lowdown on Lotad

    Jeez, this is like the fifth Lotad story on this page alone. I will however claim this one also.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  3. #3
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Lowdown on Lotad

    Introduction/Plot:

    You can’t really have much of an introduction in a story this short, a paragraph alone can be considered an introduction in these cases. As such, I’m going to consider the first paragraph of your story to be the introduction.

    It was summer time and Airik was in the Kanto region at Celadon city to give a talk on a very special pokemon. You see Airik was a Botanical Anatomist and one of the leading authorities on grass type pokemon. The Celadon city gym was packed usually only used when challengers wished to battle the gym leader today it was packed out with scientists and professors from all over all of them eager to listen to several special guest speakers and Airik was up next.
    So, in your introduction we have: who, when, where, and why. That’s pretty good, you are only missing one of the five Ws. While you have these four down, each of them could us some work to make the story better. Let’s start with the who. The who is simple, that person is Airik. That’s just a name, but we do now one other detail about him, he is a botanical anatomist. You hit two of the three marks here, but a tripod can’t stand if it’s missing a leg, and it is. The leg that is missing is that of description of Airik. We have absolutely no idea what he looks like, none. He is the main character and the story revolves around him completely, it’s all his dialogue. We should know more about him, we need physical detail. I’ll explore this issue later on.

    The next ‘W’ is when, but that’s not too important here, so we can move onto where. You did decently here also, but just like before you are missing an element. We know Airik is in Celadon city at the gym, but the same issue arises of detail. You need to describe the inside of the gym where the speech is taking place. Is there a stage or small podium? Is there a large screen for visual aids? Also, how many people are there; is it a large or small crowd? All these things are important not only because it gives the reader additional information, but it also tells the reader about the speech and how important it is.

    The next piece is why, which we know the least about. We know he is giving a speech because it is his job, but we don’t know if its a conference of several botanical anatomists, or just a large Pokemon exhibition of egg heads eager to show their life work. This portion is all about background information, we as readers need to know why he is there.

    Now that the introduction is taken care of, we can turn to the analysis of the plot. For these short stories I usually run into a variation of the boy goes to forest and catches Pokemon. I was pleasantly surprised at the originality of the plot, it was something I haven’t come across, and you deserve props for that. Because of the format of a single person speaking about the Pokemon and all the dialogue, I wasn’t sure if you could pull it off and make it an interesting story. In my opinion, it did actually work. You balanced the detail of the Lotad and their evolutions with some things about its lifestyle. It was even wrapped up nicely, so kudos to you. While it was good enough, there was was one area here which I felt you could have taken advantage of but didn’t. What I’m talking about is the battle element. All Pokemon battle, so I would have like to see some information on how it’s dual types aid or hinder it in battles. Battling is an important part of Pokemon life, so but not including it I felt like you committed a disservice to the Pokemon. Just something to keep in my for next time.


    Description:

    I’ve hinted about the description in certain parts of the other sections, but it’s time to focus on detail for this story as a whole. Now due to the interesting format of this story I can’t really focus on the usual suspects. As such, this section will be short compared to the rest of the story.

    Because I can’t do my usual spiel about detail, I’m going to focus on the elements you included in the story. Which happened to be: human detail, Pokemon detail, and physical surroundings. While these are elements of stories, they’ll be approached differently here.

    Let’s start with Airik’s description. I said this in the introduction, you really need to have this in every story. The main character always need detail, unless you want to keep the identity secret for a reason. Not only does Airik need some detail, you could have used some description of the crowd as well.

    What we need for Airik is simple, take the image you see of him in your mind and write it down here. This includes body shape and size, hair and eye color, and clothing choice. These are the basic elements that are needed. This is done for a few reasons: one, it paints a picture of what he looks like for the reader; and two, it’s part of the person’s mannerisms and personality. We all dress and act according to who we are, your characters needs to reflect that.

    As for the crowd, we don’t need specific detail like for Airik. What we need is how are they dressing, approximate age, and gender ratio. Let me give you some an example to make sure my point is getting across.

    Airik scanned the aging crowd and saw a few colleagues among the masses. He was the youngest speaker at thirty-three, when most of the people there tended to be in their mid to late forties, although there was some young students and a few curious people also. Most of the people there were dressed just as Airik was, in suits or business attire. He noticed that at least half the crowd was female, which was sort of surprising because most of the previous seminars he had been to were mostly male.
    All the elements I spoke about above. The gender ratio isn’t as important as the other elements, but it can still play a role in the story.

    You really hit the head on the Pokemon detail. You had really good detail on all three evolutions, and I can’t complain about anything here. What I will say is that in future stories remember that all Pokemon should be described.

    The final element I mentioned was the physical detail. What this is how the Celadon gym appears. Basically we want the the layout of the gym and how the people are situated in it. As the reader I want to be able to envision what the place looks like, nothing more than that. It’s all about context, and context is always important.

    Grammar:

    You are a new writer, but you have a lot of grammatical errors throughout the story. So much so that in pretty much every paragraph I found multiple errors. Not only does it make a story tedious to read, it completely disrupts the flow of the story because the reader has to go over the paragraph again to understand what you are saying.

    Below I have listed many of the mistakes I found throughout the story. Some of them are trends that I saw in your writing, while others are just things I spotted. You need to go over everything I have written down and make sure you understand it, and if you don’t you need to talk to me or another grader and we’ll happy help you out.

    Another thing you need to do is use spellcheck on your computer. If you are typing it up on a ipod or something you should really make sure that you can go over it on a computer. Spellcheck would have caught a bunch of stuff I didn’t list below. This brings me to my next point, you need to proofread your work. After you are done writing a story you should take a break for a hour or more then go back and read over everything. This is to catch errors and allow you to fix anything you rewrite. Dependent on the length of the story you should read it more than once, with the longer stories getting read repeatedly. I wrote a 270k about a year ago, and I read it more than nine times. By doing that I cut my errors down to eight total. Do this to your work and your stories will be much better. Finally, I mentioned this below, but you should also read your work aloud. By reading aloud it’s easier to catch errors in grammar and word structure, some of which happened in your story that could have been caught.

    The Celadon city gym was packed usually only used when challengers wished to battle the gym leader today it was packed out with scientists and professors from all over all of them eager to listen to several special guest speakers and Airik was up next.
    This sentence here is a run-on sentence and needs to be corrected. Before we get to the corrections, a general tip is that if you have a really long sentence, then chances are something in it is wrong.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    The Celadon city gym was packed[; it was] usually only used when challengers wished to battle the gym leader[.] [T]oday[,] it was packed with scientists and professors from all over[,] all of them eager to listen to several special guest speakers[,] and Airik was up next.
    As you can see above there was numerous errors in your first attempt. I broke it up into two different sentence and changed a few things around. The first mistake is easy to spot. Here’s another tip, if you read something aloud and it sounds wrongs, then it usually is. Without the first comma your sentence didn’t make any sense. The same thing pretty much is the case in the second sentence, if read aloud it’s confusing please the meaning is not clear, hence the use of the commas.

    "Ladies and Gentlemen[,] thank you for joining me here today on this very lovelly summers day[,]" he said this as he picked up his note cards and gave them a quick tap to straighten them up.
    Because the announcer is addressing the crowd you need a comma after the names. Furthermore, you a comma in the dialogue because by including ‘he said’ you are continuing the sentence and not ending it.

    "Today I am going to talk about Lotad[,] this particular pokemon is rather unique being the only water and grass hybrid discovered to date. What is so intriguing about this is the amount of natural vegitation that lives in aquatic environments." [s]o far so good[,] he thought to himself[.]
    The comma here should really be a period instead. The second set of brackets is a lot confusing, so bear with me. ‘So’ should be capitalized because it’s the start of a sentence. I put the comma after ‘good’ because although thought isn’t dialogue, you do need to follow some of its rules. You don’t need the quotations marks, but you do need the comma and the period at the end.

    Aquatic plants are even farmed for human consumption[,] wild rice, water caltrop and watercress to name but a few examples of aquatic plants that are common everywhere on earth.
    The brackets around this comma are because the comma isn’t correctly. By having a comma you are indicating a list in this case. You are making a list, but a list of the the stuff that is are. So what you should have used is ‘:’ (the name escapes me at the moment). With that there you can then include all the foodstuffs.

    "As Lotad evolves into Lombre its form changes, it's colouring goes from being blue to aqua with a green pattern extending from the sides of its head down to its feet[,] mimicking a garment of sorts. The [C]olour of Lombre's bill changes to from yellow to red[,] but it retains the familliar Lilypad of its previous evolution[,] although it has grown in size."
    The first bracket indicates that you need a comma here. Without the comma you are saying that Lombre’s feet are mimicking a garment, when you actually mean that the color is mimicking a garment. The next bracket is because you have ‘color’ capitalized when it shouldn’t be. The third bracket is needed because you are using ‘but’ in a contradiction. The final bracket is similar to the garment mistake above. Without the comma you are saying Lombre is bigger when you actually mean the lilypad.

    "Lombre at this stage has become Bipedal, it's stance and garment[-]like colouring have [lead] many [to] think the lillypad resemble[s] a sombrero. [It's] arms are long in comparison to its [bodies][,] each ending in four red coloured fingers and one thumb each."
    Multiple mistake here also, You need a hyphen between ‘garment’ and ‘like’ because you are saying it’s like a garment. The second bracket is because ‘lead’ should be ‘led’. You were missing ‘to’ so I added that in as well as the ‘s’ at the end. For the next sentence, ‘it’s’ is a contraction of ‘it is’. That isn’t what happens here, so you need to throw the apostrophe out. ‘Bodies’ should actually be ‘body’ and have a comma after it.

    "Lombre's feet, which are green from the colouration pattern[,] have three red toes. It is very human like, so much so that on several ocasions [that] they have been mistaken for human children."
    You need a comma in the first bracket because the information between the commas is non-essential information. The word in the bracket simply needs to be removed from the sentence. Try saying it out loud and you’ll see it easily.

    "Exploration of the oceanic forrests will likely yield startling results[,] it[‘]s a whole ecosystem barely looked at by scientists and researchers.
    You need a comma to separate the clauses in this sentence. You also need the apostrophe here because you combined ‘it’ and ‘is’.

    "Thank you for [comming] to my talk, which [i] call the Lowdown on Lotad. Please if you have any questions about the talk feel free to speak to me after the seminar[.]" Airik bowed and left the stage the nerves he had felt previously dissapated and he took his seat in the crowd to await for the next speaker.
    The first bracket is because the word has been misspelled. The second bracket is because ‘I’ needs to be capitalized. Finally, you need a period at the end of the dialogue because you are ending the sentence and starting a new one.

    Length:

    Lotad, lotad, lotad.

    Conclusion:

    You did things well, but you also did things wrong. Lotad Not Captured. The tipping thing for me was that your grammar was pretty weak and it needs a lot of work, especially once you go for harder Pokemon. If you want the Lotad you’ll need to do two things: add detail to Airik and fix some of those grammatical errors I pointed out. Do those things and you can message me for a regrade.

    @Airik
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  4. #4
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Lowdown on Lotad

    Nicely editted, you did a really good job here. Lotad Captured. Ludicolo is a great Pokemon so have fun with your new guy.

    @Airik
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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