Thread: A Lover's Quarrel [Ready for Grade]

Target Nidoran(M)
Character Count 7229

A Lover’s Quarrel
A Short Story

RING RING RING

I swear to God one day I’m going to smash that damn clock into smithereens! My name is Richard Harrison. I’m an assistant pokemon breeder. Eighteen years old, and still unable to get a pokemon. I’ve always wanted to be a pokemon trainer, but my damn father would never drive me down to Sandgem town to get me a pokemon from the professor. Instead, I’m stuck in this retarded cowboy town, Solaceon. Day in and day out all we get are wannabe cowboys talking about how their little Ponyta. One day I WILL be out of here.

So I swung off my cotton sheets and slipped my size twelve feet in some socks. Dragging my feet across the floor I struggled to stay awake and force myself downstairs to get some breakfast. I saw my dad standing by the window above our sink and trash can combo. My father was a towering 6’11, and was the one of the most pristine breeders in all of Solaceon. Although today, something was amiss about him.

“Hey dad, what wrong?”

Dad started eying the ranch

Dad turned to me, looking down. “Rich, e’ she just ain’t happy”

“Who’s not happy?” I asked curiously

“My little nedo’” He said as he turned back to me

My dad had a pair of lovebirds, or better yet loves Nidorans. One a girl and one a boy. Those two have always been lovers, and nothing could possibly break them up. So why wouldn’t the little girl be happy?

“Come outside wit’ me Richard”

Dad swung open the big wooden door, letting the light burn my not-yet-adjusted eyes. The walked over to the ranch, which was conveniently located right outside their house. In a town where breeding was everything, such a lot cost him a fortune. As we walked toward the ranch, I immediately saw the problem. Right there in the front of the vast breeding was a female nidoran that was crying its eyes out.

“Ay’ just don’ understand……what’s wrong wit’ it?”

“Well, do you think its mate my have left?” I responded

“Naw, its mate returns lots’, but she just rejects em’. It’s like they’ve had some kind of fight….

I wonder, could pokemon have lover’s fight? It just sounded ridiculous. What exactly could the male nidoran have done to cause this odd behavior? Almost on command, the male nidoran went over to the female and stopped. I noticed there was just something wrong about the nidoran, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Then something happened that was quite surprising.

“Nido?’ squeaked the female

It was then right before our eyes the male slammed into the female and began to bully her to the best of the small pokemon. My big softy of a dad apparently couldn’t take the sight of it and ran back into out small wooden house.

“Dad, come back!” I pleaded, even I couldn’t stand this, but my call was to no avail. Dad was just too disturbed by the sight of such a good couple fighting. Even I could barely stand the sight! Just what got in to the nidoran? I wanted to grab that little purple pokemon, but if I got one of its little spikes in my skin, I would be in bed for months! What could I do?

Luckily I then noticed something that was different about this nidoran than that of the one Dad had been obsessing over for months. The horn on his head was almost twice the size of the nidoran that the girl had fallen in love with! There’s no way that a horn could grow so fast….unless.

“That’s not the right Nidoran!”

This Nidoran must have done something with the real one. While at first I thought that it would be a good idea to tell my dad at this point, I couldn’t. If he found that his prize nidoran had been lost, he would erupt like a camerupt! I would have to solve this on my own. I may not agree with dad with his hobbies, but he was still my father, and I needed to help him. This would have to be a secret. The imposter Nidoran eventually left the beaten female one alone.

I jumped the fence (something that no body was allowed to do, as all pokemon should be left alone). I ran through the grassy fields, trying to hide from the occasional breeder feeding their pokemon. I found I had already lost the little nidoran, so now I guess I was just running in its general direction. As I ran more, I started to see a forest on the horizon. Great….a forest….that just helps a WHOLE lot trying to find the little bugger.

As the forest grew closer I could already imagine the little caterpie crawling all over me….I really hated forests. I’m going to be bathing for weeks just to get the damn smell off me. Once I reached the forest, I started to look around for some sign of Nidoran. The forest floor was way to grainy to leave footprints. How would I find the pokemon?

As I slowly looked around the canopy to try and find some sort of clue, I heard whimpering. It sounded like a hurt skitty, but much more scratchy. I slowly tried to follow the pathetic sound, pushing aside branches as I advanced through the forest. As the sound began to get louder, a little pokemon came into view. The Nidoran! This wasn’t the impostor however; this was the original one, the female’s mate. The little pokemon had a little hole in a tree where it was hiding. I simply assumed that the little guy was hiding from the impostor, but it was just a simple theory.

“What are you doing here little guy?”
“Nido Nido” the tiny pokemon said
“I know for some reason you must be scared of that other Nidoran, but you need to come with me”
“Niiido’ cried the Nidoran

The little nidoran stood up and got behind me, agreeing to follow back to the town.

“Don’t worry little guy, if that bully tries to come near us, I’ll give him a reason to leave!”

This was a lie, however, as I would be poisoned if I even touched a nidoran. The two of us began to walk back through the forest. As we walk I was careful to not to get near the Nidoran. You know, until now, I always looked at Nidoran as gross little creature, but now that I look at it, it seems quite cut. It was just a tiny pokemon trying to find its place in this world. So we walked back threw the fields and back to my mouse where my dad was able to give a fair translation of what really happened

“So what append’ little guy?” He asked softly
“Nido-Nid Nido Nido!” responded the scared nidoran

Well, apparently being around nidoran so much had given my dad the ability to understand Nidoran speech.

“Nido-nid nid nido!”

“Well, apparently” began my dad “e’ got into a fight with another nidoran about who should have the girl. Attemptin' to defend er’ they got into a long fight, but out little guy was beaten quite easily, and the girl thinks the impostor is the real nidoran! Now the girl is depressed ad ell’ and doesn’t know the truth!”

“Well I think there is only one thing to do!” I began “Our Nidoran needs to stand up to the impostor in a battle!”

“Wait Richard!” screamed my dad ‘It’s too dangerous! Dat’ Nido is wild!”

I ignored him, as I truly believe that our Nidoran should get his girl back, no matter what! I rushed outside with then uplifted Nidoran, only to see the impostor advancing on the female.

“Stop right there!’ I screamed at it. I suddenly felt a rush I had never felt before! Was this what it was like to be a pokemon trainer? “Quick Nidoran, hit the impostor with a poison jab!” I ordered. With sudden morale, our Nidoran ran forward toward the impostor and ran out with a fist out ready to score a hit. However, the imposter dodged and countered with a poison sting, aimed at me! Luckily our Nidoran hit me out of the way without stinging me, causing the attack to miss.

Both nidoran looked at each other with aggression, so I gave an order, “Nidoran, fire two poison stings! One into the air and one right for the target!” The poisonous darts flew into the air, as more went forward, giving the imposter little room to escape.

In a last ditch effort, the impostor nidoran rolled to the side, taking a single poison sting, ran straight forward. Its Horn began to glow, and hit out nidoran straight on!

“Oh no…” I exclaimed. That was horn drill, and attack with almost zero survival rate. Nidoran lay there motionless, beaten to a pulp. The opponent Nidoran turned around as the female nidoran began to cry. The sight of his lover crying was a terrible sight for our Nidoran, and he couldn’t bear. In what seemed to be a miracle, Nidoran got up, began to limp toward the impostor, hold up its fist, and hit it with an extremely powerful poison jab.

I was stunned at the act of bravery Nidoran had demonstrated. The impostor lay there motionless, unable to move. The two lovers, after being separated so long finally were once again able to be together.

“Well ain’t that the sight?” My dad said after coming out of the house

The two Nidoran were snuggling together, happy to be together one more.

“Nido-nido” said the female
“Nid-Nid-Nido!” said the male

The male walked over to me and looked up.

“Richard….the nidoran wants to be your pokemon!”


-------------------------
Afterwords
I honestly don't know where the idea for this story came from. I guess some stories just come to you I guess. Personally I didn't really like the way this story came out. With three characters of the same name, it became really hard to distinguish them. I won't be surprised if the capture isn't made. And as Nemo told me, I really do need to work on grammer

Claimed for Grading. :)

Introduction:

I swear to God one day I’m going to smash that damn clock into smithereens!

I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but this introduction drew me in immediately. The main reason why is because I wanted to know why the person speaking (who we find out is Richard) is just so damn angry. It's understandable that he doesn't want to wake up in the morning, but this sort of a comment is probably going overboard, in my opinion.

It's fine, though, because this was a strong hook that kept me interested and made me want to know more. Through this line, you not only introduced us to the story and the main character, but you also gave him personality right off the bat. Considering what I gathered about Richard's outlook on life from his inner thoughts as the story moves on, I can't think of a better way to introduce him and the story you've developed.

Good job with this section!

Plot:
Richard lives in Solaceon Town, but longs for the adventurous life of a Pokemon trainer. Because of the fact that he hasn't been given a chance to become one, his feelings for those around him are generally filled with contempt. His father owns two Nidoran, a Male and a Female, that have fallen in love with each other. Recently, however, the Male has been abusing the Female for unknown reasons. Richard finds that the Male causing the beatings is not the one the Female fell in love with, but looks similar enough that she can't tell the difference. Richard chases after the impostor when he leaves, and finds the correct Male hiding from the impostor Male. He encourages the correct Male to win back his girlfriend from the impostor Male, and the correct Male's confidence is renewed. After a fierce struggle, love wins out in the end, and the impostor Male is defeated. With his confidence restored, the correct Male asks Richard if he can join his team.

For a first story, I think that this is a great plot that deviates from most of the norms and manages to find a lot of originality. I can still see very small signs of "Kid walks into an area, Kid finds Pokemon he wants, Kid convinces Pokemon to join him", but you developed the story so far from this mold that it's almost impossible to place the two together.

Considering your target Pokemon and the fact that this is your first story, this is excellent. Let's just hope that there's a sequel in which the girlfriend joins, because after winning her back from the impostor, I'm convinced that they won't stay separated for long!

Dialogue:
The dialogue in this story left me a little bit on the fence. In general, a character's personality is conveyed most strongly by their exchanges with other characters. With Richard, I wasn't getting that feeling whatsoever. While his thoughts were filled with contempt for the people around him...

I’ve always wanted to be a pokemon trainer, but my damn father would never drive me down to Sandgem town to get me a pokemon from the professor. Instead, I’m stuck in this retarded cowboy town, Solaceon. Day in and day out all we get are wannabe cowboys talking about how their little Ponyta. One day I WILL be out of here.

...his spoken words make him seem like he never had a thought like that cross his mind:

“Hey dad, what wrong?”

Dad started eying the ranch

Dad turned to me, looking down. “Rich, e’ she just ain’t happy”

“Who’s not happy?” I asked curiously

“My little nedo’” He said as he turned back to me

“Ay’ just don’ understand……what’s wrong wit’ it?”

“Well, do you think its mate my have left?” I responded

“Naw, its mate returns lots’, but she just rejects em’. It’s like they’ve had some kind of fight…

I can understand if Richard is attempting to put up a facade so that the people around him don't end up being hurt by the feelings he keeps inside of him, but that leads to a couple of other problems. For one, that means that Richard still cares about the people around him, which goes against his thoughts. For another, there is no "perfect facade" that allows human beings to completely wall out their feelings from others. If a person feels contempt for someone else but hasn't told them so outright, their exchanges with that person will still have signs of that contempt whether the person with those thoughts is aware of that or not. Since Richard isn't a robot (I think), his speech towards his father would hold at least some malice no matter what they are talking about.

On the good side of things, however, I really enjoyed that you tried to incorporate dialects into this story, since it isn't done all that often. I could easily hear the voice of a farmer or rancher as I read through the dialogue with Richard's father.

Grammar:
This is where I felt that your story didn't measure up. There are a lot of grammar mistakes throughout, and some of them can be jarring to the overall flow of the story. Let's cover some of the more troublesome ones, so that you know what to work on to keep your story flowing smoothly.

It may seem like I'm holding your hand with this (I believe I remember you saying at one point that you were in Advanced Placement English classes, and I know from experience that being told how to do everything can be both boring and aggravating), but if the problem is solved, I think that your stories will be able to show their full potential. You've obviously got a knack for developing original plots, so by correcting this, that potential will be released.

There were several instances, especially during dialogue exchanges, in which you missed some periods. Sometimes, word usage was also a problem during these exchanges. Here's an example:

“Hey dad, what wrong?”

Dad started eying the ranch

Dad turned to me, looking down. “Rich, e’ she just ain’t happy”

“Who’s not happy?” I asked curiously

“My little nedo’” He said as he turned back to me

My dad had a pair of lovebirds, or better yet loves Nidorans. One a girl and one a boy. Those two have always been lovers, and nothing could possibly break them up. So why wouldn’t the little girl be happy?

“Come outside wit’ me Richard”

The bold section is pretty well-written while the areas around it are missing some punctuation. Let's end those lines of dialogue with some periods first:

“Hey dad, what wrong?”

Dad started eying the ranch.

Dad turned to me, looking down. “Rich, e’ she just ain’t happy.”

“Who’s not happy?” I asked curiously.

“My little nedo’” He said as he turned back to me.

My dad had a pair of lovebirds, or better yet loves Nidorans. One a girl and one a boy. Those two have always been lovers, and nothing could possibly break them up. So why wouldn’t the little girl be happy?

“Come outside wit’ me Richard.”

Now, the bold words are incorrectly used in context. Let's correct that, as well:

“Hey dad, what's wrong?”

Dad started eying the ranch.

Dad turned to me, looking down. “Rich, e’ she just ain’t happy.”

“Who’s not happy?” I asked curiously.

“My little nedo’” He said as he turned back to me.

My dad had a pair of lovebirds, or better yet love Nidorans. One a girl and one a boy. Those two have always been lovers, and nothing could possibly break them up. So why wouldn’t the little girl be happy?

“Come outside wit’ me Richard.”

Now that we've taken care of that, there are a few simple mistakes that, when corrected, would help this scene flow much better. Read the above quote closely first, then read below to see what I've changed:

“Hey dad, what's wrong?”

Dad started eying the ranch. He turned to me, looking down. “Rich, e’ she just ain’t happy.”

“Who’s not happy?” I asked curiously.

“My little nedo’,” he said as he turned back to me.

My dad had a pair of lovebirds, or better yet, love-Nidorans. One a girl and one a boy. Those two had always been lovers, and nothing could have possibly broken them up. So why wouldn’t the little girl be happy?

“Come outside wit’ me, Richard.”

See how well that flows? Now, you might notice that I made that section in the middle bold. That's because I'm going to let you in on a little secret that I only learned recently about dialogue, thanks to a certain Head Grader (if you're reading this, you know who you are). Let's look at your version of that line versus mine:

“My little nedo’” He said as he turned back to me.

“My little nedo’,” he said as he turned back to me.

Notice the difference? In your version, you capitalized "he" while using the action "said". This is considered incorrect. When writing dialogue, certain words, like "said", modify how you should write the dialogue. When using words like "said", you put a comma at the end of the sentence in quotes (if that sentence ends in a period) and you leave the pronoun uncapitalized. Now, if the sentence went like this:

“My little nedo’.” He frowned as he turned back to me.

You would place a period at the end of the line in quotes, and capitalize the pronoun. This is because the dialogue and the action afterward are considered two separate sentences now. Why? The word "frowned" does not modify the dialogue; instead, it describes an action taken after the spoken words. For that reason, we separate them.

So choose which one is appropriate for which situation, in that case.

I know that this is a lot to take in at once, but just keep practicing using the right grammatical forms. Eventually, you'll master them, and your stories will flow much better.

Battle, Detail, and Description:
This is another section that I felt you needed a little work. During the story, you didn't really describe your surroundings, nor did you describe what the Pokemon looked like. It's important to give descriptions of these things to allow the reader to better visualize what is going on. I was able to visualize the story because I know what Solaceon Town, the farmers therein, and the Nidorans look like; however, you cannot assume that every reader knows these things, even though this is a Pokemon forum.

Describing Pokemon appearances and setting the stage with sensory details will help to enhance the experience of your story. Again, because I feel you have a lot of potential, doing this will only make your stories a better read overall.

Length:
Nidoran (Male) is in the Simple category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 5,000 to 10,000 characters. Your story is 7,229 characters; it's right about in the middle, which is where you usually want to aim. Good job!

Outcome:
Drum roll, please...

...

...

...

Richard placed a Poke Ball in front of the male Nidoran. It nodded, and poked at the center button with the horn on its head, causing it to be drawn into the Ball.

...

...

...

...Click!

Gotcha! Nidoran (Male) was caught!

While I was on the fence about this story at first, I can see that you have a lot of potential as a writer. You already know what you need to work on; with my suggestions in mind, I'm sure that the experience of perfecting your craft will be at least a little bit easier. I'm looking forward to seeing you improve down the road.

Enjoy your catch!