Love Thy Caterpie

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  1. #1
    Emmy-Chan SilverChromeX's Avatar
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    Default Love Thy Caterpie

    Pokémon: Caterpie
    Level: Easiest
    Character Range: 3,000 - 5,000 -
    Character Count w/ spaces: 12,599
    Character Count w/ out spaces: 10,247
    Story Number: II (Second Story)


    Love Thy Caterpie



    When a life meets another life, something will be born. “You’re not going anywhere little Missy,” the cop whispered down into the girl’s ear. He let out a raspy, low chuckle and had a light beard scattered across his lower cheeks. His teeth came together and was shown when he grinned. The girl’s arms were hold behind her as the cop walked the girl to the cop car. Finally, after a whole year they had found the serial killer. For a year, there had been incidents where a serial killer was on the loose with a Pokémon. No one could relay any detail. Either the victim was dead or the person was in such shock from the idea of death that not a word could be spoken or could the moment be recalled on.

    Originally, it was thought that the Pokémon the serial killer had used was the type that could successfully deal a clean hit. That was not the case as in the back alleyway where the cops had trapped the girl successfully, her partner in crime the Caterpie lied there on the dirty, tiled ground. Caterpie tilted his green colored head up and could feel the water at his pink antennas. His eyes stared intensely at the red and blue colors that illuminated the area.

    That girl meant more than the world to him. She was gone and she would be missed. The Caterpie tilted down his head and slowly turned away. No one would come around that corner to come to rescue him. Not a hand would gently pet his dampen skin. He crawled his six scaled body around the corner. Anymore and he would do something crazy as run for that police car that just made his heart jump. Inside his chest pattered and kept a beat that eventually calmed down. Caterpie tilted his head up to stare at the forsaken sky. His black colored large eyes lingered their stare until he curled together. The memories of how it all began replayed in the back of his mind.

    Why could they not be nice? “But teacher,” the brunette hair girl cried out. Her hair was semi-short with the sides pulled back that were kept together with a pink colored ribbon. A bit of tears had crept to the outskirts of her golden brown eyes. She wore a two-layered top that was blue and yellow with a skirt to fit. The articles of clothing she wore were tattered and had mud stains on the majority of the left side. A bit of mud had covered the left side of her face.

    “It hurts everywhere,” she said and brought her hands to her eyes. The mud that partially covered the left side of her face smeared. In the truth of it all, her clothes were just tattered and muddy. This had been a result of bullying. A constant problem that had been brought up on more than one occasion.

    The teacher stood tall over the youngling and her skin had wrinkles. The crow feet on the side of her eyes could definitely give it away that she had lived for quite some time. All of her black hair was gathered into a perfect and neat bun. It went together with her yellow dress suit. “Marcel, the boys had not placed a hand on you, I have confiscated their string, and it was nothing more than an accident.”

    Marcel felt her lips start to quiver. She removed her hands and started to shake her head. “Maybe it would be better if you hung around the swing set next time?” The teacher squatted down to match Marcel’s height. “This is the fourth time that this has happened Marcel, and once again the boys had meant no harm, I’ve had a talk with them and they told me that they were sorry.” she cocked her head to the side then said, “I suggest that you go and play somewhere else and this won’t happen again; you need to stop crying Marcel.”

    “T-They’re trying to hurt me,” Marcel choked. In the full reality, the boys only really teased her. Other than that, her mind saw it that all their actions was because they were out to get her. The voices in her head screamed that no one wanted to show her mercy. That when she would walk back outside, she would get hurt intentionally. The kids outside expected her to come out and feel relieved. They wanted her to lose her guard for a spare minute that would cause her to get hurt again. “Why don’t you believe me?” Marcel cried out at the teacher, “They’re going to hurt me!” Ms. Teacher stood back to her straighten posture and crossed her arms.

    “Marcel!” She strictly forewarned. A bit of the other times this has happened, she had done everything in her power to try to comfort Marcel as well have the boys apologize. Then there was the fact she had made suggestions to prevent this incident from ever happening again. “If you do not stop crying at once, you will be put in time-out,” the teacher said. She held a finger up and would not have done this unless it was the last thing she could do. Marcel had turned everything into a full blown event where the other children had wanted to hurt her. This child didn’t need the comfort she had cried for to try to gain any attention and in her previous years when she taught, only children who wanted the mere recognition would continue down this endless road.

    What?! Marcel had frozen in her spot. But only bad people went to the corner! “I didn’t do anything wrong!” Marcel tried to defend herself against the next person in line who was out to get her. Everything had made sense. It was all perfectly clear. This teacher never liked her. That was it, wasn’t it? That would explain why she had no girls. Why it was that she always rubbed the back of the boys to comfort them at nap time. How it is that she never got the last cookie at snack time.

    “I want my mom, I want my mom!” she shouted to the teacher who in return pointed to the time-out. Wait!? What!? No! “I didn’t do anything wrong!” she exclaimed and the teacher had no tolerance to let the child go through another tantrum. Ms. Teacher’s hand grasped the child’s arm gently and led her to the time-out. Despite the child’s constant battle to get out of the teacher’s grip, it was futile. “Ow!” Marcel cried out, “Ow! Ow! Stop it! You’re hurting me!”

    That night the teacher had sat down with Marcel’s mother. The mother was rather stern and accused the teacher of being out for her daughter. That it was nothing more than non-sense that the teacher wasn’t doing anything for her daughter. A decision was made to help Marcel out at school. It was a week later after Marcel was kept home that she was sent back to school. In her arms was none other than a new friend.

    She smiled and couldn’t wait to show everyone what was inside the Poke Ball. Her eyes flickered to the red and white colored ball inside her hands. At least her mother understood everything that went on in her life. Most importantly, her mother wasn’t out to get her. The same would be for this Caterpie that her mother helped her to get through Professor Orchard.

    “It’s so great,” Marcel whispered and could not take her eyes off the ball all throughout the day. The teacher could not budge to step in to do anything about it. All children deserved an education and her mother threatened to take her out of the school. As it is, she had to meet with the principal on Friday last week because the mother felt none of her daughter’s issues had been addressed properly. That Ms. Teacher had handled her daughter in an amateur manner. What she had awaited was what would happen during recess. When the bell rang to signal that the children can go out and play, she gladly ran out with the other children. “Hey guys!”

    The other children surrounded the Poke Ball. “You guys should meet my Pokémon!” Marcel giggled and then a red ray of light came out of the Poke Ball. It started to form the outline of a Caterpie and he stared up at everyone. “Hey now you guys, don’t get too close to it,” Marcel forewarn with a not too polite voice. She sat down on her knees to pet the Caterpie.

    “Can we pet it?” One of the other girls asked.

    “No!” Marcel said, “You don’t know how to pet a Caterpie, you will hurt him.”

    Why were all these other children not getting it?! More kids started to come to ask to pet her Caterpie. They just can’t do that! Inside her mind, it took a lot of smart to be able to pet her Caterpie. Not to mention that it required love, care, and kindness. Something that they did not show to have the first time Marcel saw any of them. That continued on for the week and then it was Monday again. Marcel let out a huff and had expected people to be all over her Caterpie once again. The green colored bug-type Pokémon lifted his head to rub against Marcel’s cheek. She had spent that day surprised.

    No one came to her Caterpie. That was berserk in her terms. Everyone one day seemed to really enjoy the little guy and then they just ignore him like that? That wasn’t right! Wait! “Oh know...” something had clicked for Marcel. Could it be possible that now they hated Caterpie? No! She would not allow such a thing to happen where her Caterpie was hated! Her Caterpie was the best and now they just ignore him out of nowhere. Why did people have to be so mean to her? More so, why did they have to be so mean to Caterpie? “Hey, do you want to look at my Caterpie?” Marcel asked a classmate who had passed by.

    “Uh...no thank, you don’t let us do anything with it,” the little boy said.

    That’s why? No. That wasn’t it. The boy talked as if he owned Caterpie and he should have had the right to pet him all along! But those were the answers she had gotten from everyone. Marcel could not believe that in one week everyone seemed to love her and now they hated her. That was the end of the school year and public school. Her mother didn’t want to let her daughter suffer in school because everyone hated her. Caterpie was all she needed. She gave all her love and content to that Caterpie. Guess it was best that there was someone out there who would spare her some love than the rotten, heartless children she had to spend time around.


    It wasn’t until a couple years later that Caterpie had left with Marcel onto their Pokémon Journey. Since people on the Pokémon Journey loved Pokémon, they would love her and Caterpie! How wrong she was or so, that was what her mind made it out to be. She couldn’t handle that people disliked the thing that meant more than life to her.

    The first kill was delivered that at first sent shivers down Marcel’s back. However, she got over it as time passed and more people were killed. She would have Caterpie used string shot on the victims to slow them down and then she would deliver a clean hit to end that person’s life. The string shot would then be gathered and thrown away somewhere else to not lead on any suspicion as to what Pokémon helped to assist the serial killer.

    All her victims at first were those who had dared not taken interest in her Caterpie. Marcel’s mind crumbled at one point where she had decided to go after everyone. No one had truly appreciated Caterpie the way she did. They all didn’t deserve to live if they would hate on the best thing in the world. It was toward the end of the year where she had slipped up. The cops had discovered leftover string shot.

    Her teacher who was retired called to confirm that it was none other than Marcel. When she noticed that cop cars were all over the place, she had tried to place Caterpie in a safe place. They couldn’t hurt Caterpie! She wouldn’t let them! Although she was able to successfully hide her Caterpie, she was trapped in an alleyway with cops on the roof, behind her, and in front of her.

    The Caterpie felt one tear slide down the side of his face. He had the person who loved him down to Earth. Then the evil ones had to take her away. A great relationship was there when they had met and now it was gone, just like that. He felt his skin start to turn cold. At the tip of his pointy tail, his green colored skin started to turn a blue color that had gradually spread across his body. The tan colored part on the bottom that was his stomach had turned into a light blue color. In a second the blue had spread to the head of the Caterpie. A Nurse Joy had found his almost frozen body and wrapped the Caterpie in a blanket. No, there wasn’t anytime to save him. She had properly buried him in a near by Pokémon Cemetery.

    The worst was that Marcel didn’t think that Caterpie overall ever loved her back. He didn’t come back for her in the end. She was diagnosed with a mental illness called Schizophrenia and she had plead insanity. Marcel was placed in a mental institute for the rest of her life. Her mother was not allowed to parent any children due to the fact she held a similar mental illness. It didn’t seem to matter though that Caterpie may or may not have loved her. A doctor had showed her a picture of Caterpie in one of their sessions.

    “Who’s Caterpie?” Marcel asked.
    Last edited by SilverChromeX; 26th July 2011 at 10:38 PM.

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  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Love Thy Caterpie

    CLAIMED SISTA.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Love Thy Caterpie

    Intro/Plot/Characters: Intro time!

    When a life meets another life, something will be born.
    Awesome, the ever popular, philosophical-esqe, mysterious first sentence. To be honest, I like these, but some work better than others. There is a lot of emphasis in this story about the relationship between Marcel and her Caterpie, but I'd venture to say that the bigger idea/theme is the horror of mental illnesses (in this case schizophrenia). Therefore, if you're going to do one of those overarcing, story sum-uping (Yeah, I made up a word, I'm cool like that), foreshadowing sentences at the beginning, it should be more about the fact that Marcel is coo coo for Cocoa Puffs. The rest of the intro kind of covers how she was a serial killer and the police had been looking for her. Oddly enough, you don't get into the serial killer aspect much, but that comes next.

    Now we can talk about the plot. Alright, so your main character suffers from schizophrenia, and I'd like to say right off that I am a big fan of mental illness driven plots, and the way you make her super paranoid about everything. However, I would've liked you to explore some of her other symptoms. There are all kinds of places you could go with this, and absolutely HORRIFIC possibilities. For example:

    SCARY QUILT

    That is a piece of cloth embroidered by someone with schizophrenia. It frightens me. Imagine her slowly becoming crazier and crazier and talking like THAT. O_O Also, the beginning of your story seems to hint that there's going to be a lot more serial killing going on, and it's kind of glossed over, which is weird since you build up to it. However, this is a Caterpie story, and for an easiest rank story, you've done quite well. I just thought I'd say that before I continue nitpicking. Okay, you know your story is good and that I like it in general? You sure? Cool, let's move on. Next, people with schizophrenia tend to have odd patterns of speech, which I didn't really see associated with this character. I did like how you went into her background as a child, but it's never REALLY explained why she's killing people, other than that she considers them threats to her Caterpie. Here's another thing to think about; wouldn't someone who was crazy be really bad at covering their tracks from the police? How did she go uncaptured for so long? I'm going to stop now before I hurt myself/you/whoever does grader wages.

    Detail: Detail was pretty good. You described things differently (and in my opinion better) than many people do. For example, Caterpie's six scales were cool. I never hear anyone mention things like that. They usually go for color, maybe shape, and leave it at that. You stepped things up a notch. In addition, you had some really nice detail describing Marcel and Ms. Teacher. To be honest, the Ms. Teacher thing annoyed me a little bit, because it reminded me of cartoons, like Power Puff Girls or something (Townsville, Dr. Doctor, you see where I'm going with this). I think it would've been better to give her some kind of generic name at the least (or take things a step further and make her some kind of reference to another serial killer story- MS. STARLING ANYONE).

    If I had to think of something you could add, I would've liked to have some more sensory details (in this case touch, sound, taste, smell), and also some more information about her emotions. We know she's scared and angry that someone might hurt her Caterpie, but you could delve deeper into her confusion and constant fear that people would hurt her and her loved ones. There's a lot of angst buried deep within this. I KNOW YOU CAN FIND IT.

    Grammar:

    His teeth came together and was shown when he grinned.
    Okay, first lesson: active and passive tenses. The active tense would be if you had said 'His teeth came together and showed when he grinned'. What you're using, with that 'was' thrown in there, is the passive tense. Passive tense is usable (or we wouldn't have it), but it's kind of slow paced, boring, and in this case, clashes with the active tense in the first part of the sentence. It'd be better if you made the whole thing active tense.

    The girl’s arms were hold behind her as the cop walked the girl to the cop car.
    'Hold' should be 'held'.

    Either the victim was dead or the person was in such shock from the idea of death that not a word could be spoken or could the moment be recalled on.
    'Or' should be 'nor'.

    her partner in crime the Caterpie lied there on the dirty, tiled ground.
    Three things: First, you need a comma after 'crime' and before 'lied', because saying it's the Caterpie is clarifying something in the middle there n' there's a technical reason why it does that, but just in general when you're describing someone and then put the persons names, you do commas like that. Second, 'lied' should be 'lay'. Lastly, why is the ground in an alley tiled. X_X Baha. I've done things like that too, and I suspect you're thinking of the ground being laid with bricks or something? I dunno.

    Not a hand would gently pet his dampen skin.
    'Dampen' should be 'damp'.

    He crawled his six scaled body around the corner.
    That verb doesn't really make sense here, since it's something he's doing to his body. Inched would work.

    Anymore and he would do something crazy as run for that police car that just made his heart jump.
    Maybe put the word 'such' before 'as'.

    Ms. Teacher stood back to her straighten posture and crossed her arms.
    'Straighten' should be 'straight'.

    That it was nothing more than non-sense that the teacher wasn’t doing anything for her daughter.
    'Nonsense' should be one word and there should be a comma after 'nonsense'.

    Inside her mind, it took a lot of smart to be able to pet her Caterpie.
    I think instead of 'smart' you should put 'intelligence'.

    “Oh know...” something had clicked for Marcel.
    'Know' should be 'no'.

    Alright, you've got some weird sentence structure thingies going on. First, one of the best ways to tell if your writing sounds weird, is to reread it, sometimes out loud, so you can hear if things don't make sense. Also, there are places in here where I feel like you pulled out a thesaurus and picked out random words to replace more common words. Different words have different connotations, and that can make the meaning of a word way different than what you thought it meant. I would recommend using words that are more familiar to you. Even though they might not be fancy or sound like something you'd find in an Ayn Rand novel, they're often better choices to use, as they sound more natural. :D

    Length: Your story is three times longer than the minimum length, I would say overkill, but I actually think it's kind of cool. GOOD JOB.

    Outcome: Caterpie... most definitely captured. ENJOY.

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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