Lotad Water (A bit graphic now- changed story) (Ready for grading)- Comments Welcome

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Thread: Lotad Water (A bit graphic now- changed story) (Ready for grading)- Comments Welcome

  1. #1
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Lotad Water (A bit graphic now- changed story) (Ready for grading)- Comments Welcome

    Another story deal!
    For gmandiddy.
    Pokemon being Captured: Lotad
    Suggested Length: 5k - 10k
    Actual Length: 5562

    -----

    The supermodel stepped on the paved red roads, the endless sounds of clicks and blinding flashes that surrounded her. She has long since gotten used to it; the model life was the life she has been living for years on end. Yet, her beauty was preserved from the days of her twenties till her forties. Everyone asked: How? However, the miracle of a beauty wasn't going to give it up, not for a snip of her prized brown hair, which was curled and combed to perfection.

    Her snow white skin would have shone in the dark night, but her avid admirers- or stalkers- wouldn't give her a chance to see the full moon, hanged on the dark carpet above them, with tiny white dots, some brighter and more bigger than the others.

    "Miss Lavender, could I ask you a question- are planning on marriage anytime soon?" The news reporter said, and Lavender shook her head. On came another barrage of questions, many which were quite controversial. But Lavender didn't mind. This was the life that she chose, and in her opinion, she chose wisely. From young, popularity was her 'thing'. Forget the trivial talk, the mad gossip. As long as you have enough money to pay those state lawyers, it's all good.

    A young man, maybe around twenty, caught her eye. The beauty flicked the bunch of roses she was carrying, and as her followers rammed each other with much force to get it, Lavender approached the young man, much to his surprise.

    "Hello there. Mind I take you to my home?" Lavender said. The man was quite surprised, and started to brush back his untidy blond was of hair. Lavender laughed, her small mouth and nose looking more delicate. Her pitch dark eyes were simply mesmerizing, and followed the man's movements. After a slight nod, the woman grabbed the man, her white dress still trailing against the ground. The man started to sweat as the other fans looked at him with eyes beyond anger, beyond hate. The news recorded everything as they entered the grand limo, the same woman who questioned her earlier going on about how she has made the model of the century go and get a man.

    *

    "What's your name?" Lavender asked the man, who replied feebly, his thin figure shaking in the presence of the breathtaking woman. In a small, squeaky voice, he replied.

    "Clive..." Lavender smiled, a smile so relaxing, Clive couldn't help but relax. Tying the red bow of his tuxedo tighter, Lavender started to speak, entrancing the man that stood in front of her. Not only did she look like the combination of a goddess and human, her voice was that of angels. She scratched Clive's chin seductively, drawing the young, hypnotized man closer.

    "I see your confused as why I brought you here. Or are you know?" Lavender said, and Clive simply stared. Lavender giggled again, seeing as she has caught yet another prey. Clive, his body simply moving, followed Lavender as she squatted down, pushing a button hidden in her fireplace. The whole area started to drop.

    Lavender's eyes seemed to control the man, and his every movement was connected towards every blink, turn and roll that happened to it. Clive, although having no control over his body, was still conscience of the change that was occurring. They were brought lower and lower, going underground. The evil that was now felt from the woman was a huge difference to her previous aura. The man now felt anxiety, and unwilling. What was happening now?

    "I used Attract, by the way." Lavender said, which just confused Clive even more.

    "I suppose I ought to explain. Do you know why I contain such elegance, such beauty over the ages?" The woman said, and the man gasped as the woman seemed to flicker, change. On her head was now a lotus, her body completely blue. Her black eyes were no longer slit and charming; they were large, rounded and repelling. Her rose lips were now of peach. She looked like a combination between Lotad and human placed in a dress.

    "A long time ago, I was poor. Desolate. I roamed the forests as a Lotad, looking for compassion, for someone to like me. But who would like a creature like me?" Lavender bit her lip as she remembered the bitter days. "A kind human captured me one day. It was heaven from then on. Until she was killed, of course. I was furious. I lunged at the killer, who didn't bother to kill me, thinking I was a weak little Lotad. I bit on his neck hard enough, and the fact that his head rolled told me to never underestimate my teeth. I licked the blood off my lips, only to find myself turn human.

    I discovered the secret. Most Pokemon are deprived from it, never having drunk human blood. I was beautiful, not to mention. That was twenty years ago, if you remember, I became a model. However, after a month, I woke up to find myself turned into a human-shaped Lotad... this," Lavender said, pointing to her body. "I quickly killed another human, to preserve my beauty. Of course, I changed back. Most of the time, I keep the blood, but... I ran out."

    Clive felt a chill go down his spine as Lavender whipped out a knife from her dress. The lift stopped, too, and what was revealed made Clive want to puke, but unable to.

    The dried-out bodies of the previous victims were squeezed into vials. It was a hideous sight, the organs simply mashed, rotting. There was no smell; the air fresheners countered it. Lavender didn't have time to go and hide the bodies, due to her celebrity status, so she simply hid them here.

    "You blood," Lavender said, placing the steel knife on Clive's neck, "Is my water..."

    Clive felt only a slight chill on the neck before his vision blacked.

    -----


    Because I couldn't dare have a cheerful story written by me :|
    Last edited by Timpeni; 29th January 2011 at 04:45 AM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  2. #2
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lotad Water (A bit graphic now- changed story) (Ready for grading)- Comments Welc

    STORY TOTALLY CHANGED. I GUESS THAT MAKES IT LAST TO BE GRADED?
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Lotad Water (A bit graphic now- changed story) (Ready for grading)- Comments Welc

    Ayup. I noticed you made it shorter?
    I grade things for the URPG.

    New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
    Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
    Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
    Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES

  4. #4
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lotad Water (A bit graphic now- changed story) (Ready for grading)- Comments Welc

    No, as in I changed it totally. It's a new story.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  5. #5
    $CUSTOM_USER_TITLE
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    Default Re: Lotad Water (A bit graphic now- changed story) (Ready for grading)- Comments Welc

    Cool. Good luck on that. I'm not grading for a while on account of the story list...
    I grade things for the URPG.

    New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
    Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
    Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
    Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES

  6. #6
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lotad Water (A bit graphic now- changed story) (Ready for grading)- Comments Welc

    Nice story/plot! Just watch out for the typos =3

  7. #7
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lotad Water (A bit graphic now- changed story) (Ready for grading)- Comments Welc

    FIRST CLAIMED STORY BAHAHA. GRADE WILL BE UP IN A FEW MINS 'CAUSE IT'S ALREADY DONE! D:<

    EDIT: hi

    Introduction:

    Hehe. Straight from the first sentence we are introduced to some celebrity. An image of sheer perfection. The paparazzi fawn over the idealistic woman as though she were a Goddess. As a matter of fact, I was starting to think she was. Your use of short concise sentences combined with the use of creative adjectives helped to make this introduction something special. The purpose of an introduction is to introduce us to the main character(s), give a brief introduction to the plot and most importantly, snatch the readers attention. This certainly did all these things, so quite a good job done here. Even after reading the first two or three paragraphs I felt compelled to read more. Why is she so perfect? I genuinely wanted to know.

    However, I was attracted to the story but not her. She is portrayed as someone who believes she's so much better than everyone. Her looks clearly were designed to make up for her personality. This is good that the reader can detect these things. One thing I felt from reading the start was that this story was going to be quite slow. It didn't really move along but it predominantly focused on Miss Lavender. This is not a bad thing but you may want to watch out for being a little too focused on this woman. Putting a lot of attention on one aspect can make others seem worse, so beware!

    Plot:

    Whoa. Niiice. She was actually a Lotad? She has to feed on human blood to live? That sentence alone changed the tone of this story dramatically. It went from being somewhat chill to crazy. Clearly she wasn't so perfect after all! I did feel, however, that this was a little too unexpected. It seemed to derail the story for a little bit but this story was too short for any real storyline to develop so I think it wasn't a problem.

    On another note, I did feel that the ending seemed a tad rushed. So much emphasis was put on this woman and her perfection only to have it change so drastically at the ending. This isn't a problem with shorter stories but watch out with the longer ones. All in all, the plot was well though out and definitely unique. Good job.

    Detail:

    Excellenté. For the most part it was done quite well. A lot of detail was used to help the reader envision Miss Lavender and get a very vivid image of her. The detail seemed to diminish a little after that it seemed, which is actually quite good in a way. Too much detail can often be just as bad as none whatsoever. So make sure to watch out for that.

    Length: 5,662 is just about right for a Simple 'mon.

    Grammar:

    I felt the grammar was quite well for the most part and you certainly know your use of just about everything from what I can tell. Nothing to say here really. Other than a few typos you are good to go. Make sure to use a word checker, if you can. They detect words spelled incorrectly and bring them to your attention. Although, most don't recognise Pokemon name. =D

    Personal Feelings:

    For a Simple 'mon not a whole lot is needed, really. You're interesting plot, development and description of Miss Lavender and the shocking end twist all won it over for me. Well, more than won it over for me so...

    Lotad... captured!
    Last edited by Synthesis; 4th February 2011 at 03:12 AM.

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