Lost in the Woods [Ready for Grading]
Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Lost in the Woods [Ready for Grading]

  1. #1
    shsl music club member Catspring's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Gender
    Genderless
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    862
    Blog Entries
    8
    Add Catspring on Facebook
    Follow Catspring on Tumblr

    Default Lost in the Woods [Ready for Grading]

    Pokemon: Poochyena
    Rank: Simple (5-10k)
    Character Count: 7,099


    "Are you kidding me?" I growled, scanning the crumpled map as my Snivy, Seph, peeked over my shoulder. "There should be a route here. I'm positive there should be a route here, but there's not."

    It was my first day as a Trainer, and I was already lost. Fantastic. We had been walking for half an hour, but we just kept going in circles. I sighed and shoved my map carelessly into my knapsack. This wasn't doing us any good at this point - it would take a miracle to find our way out of this mess. "Do you have any ideas?" I muttered, looking at Seph, who shook her head.

    I surveyed my surroundings. We were in a small clearing, surrounded by thick foliage and tangled roots. The sunlight beat down heavily, and sweat was beginning to form on my upper brow. "We could at least get out of this clearing and into the shade," I decided, swinging my knapsack over my shoulder and marching off decidedly into the woods. Seph wrapped her tiny arms tightly around my shoulder and held on, burrowing her nose in my jacket and peering into the forest.

    I cautiously pushed my way through the forest, shoving aside branches and plants. As I stepped into one bush, I felt sharp teeth lock around my ankle, digging into my skin. I yelped in surprise and jumped out of the bush, lifting my leg high into the air. Dangling from it, still biting my ankle, was a small gray canine. I immediately whipped out my PokeDex and scanned it. It droned in a bored, robotic voice:

    Poochyena, the Bite Pokemon.
    It has extremely sharp teeth and chases its prey until it becomes exhausted.


    "That's nice, now how do I get it off me?" I muttered.

    I kicked my foot a few times and the Poochyena lost its grip. With a sharp cry, it flew into a tree headfirst, smacking against the bark. It tumbled to the ground and sat up, shaking its head violently as if to try and clear it, stunned at what had just happened. I gasped and ran over to it, kneeling down beside it. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that! I just wanted you to stop biting me," I explained. The Poochyena looked at me disdainfully for a moment and stalked off into the underbrush, growling softly.

    I stared after the Poochyena for a few seconds, then turned to my knapsack and pulled out the crumpled map. "Let's analyze this again and see if we can find an exit," I murmured. After a few moments of puzzling over the piece of paper in my hands, I realized we were off the map completely. "We need to find someone who knows the way out," I said out loud to Seph, who agreed with a soft, "Snive."

    Before we could start off again, I heard a loud yowl coming from not too far away. In my haste, I dropped my knapsack completely and rushed after the sound, Seph following in my footsteps closely. After a minute of running, I could see a strange Pokemon attacking the Poochyena. It was rather large, much larger than the Poochyena, and it looked as if it was more powerful as well. It was a large blue otter-like Pokemon with two shells that I recognized instantly as a Dewott, the evolved form of Oshawott. As I watched, Poochyena climbed to its feet and tried to run away into the forest, but the Dewott's shells began to glow a pale blue and it came down on the Poochyena with a powerful Razor Shell, knocking it backwards.

    "Hey, leave it alone!" I yelled sharply. The Dewott turned to face me, looking like it wasn't happy to be interrupted. It came running with another Razor Shell, glowing a strange pale blue with unknown power aimed straight at me, but Seph leaped in the way, tail glowing green. She struck the Dewott with a powerful Leaf Blade, causing it to stumble backwards. It shook itself off and prepared to attack again, but Poochyena pounced forward with incredible speed, hitting the Dewott with a Quick Attack.

    The Dewott had clearly had enough. After one last spiteful look at Poochyena, it stumbled back off into the woods. Poochyena let out a triumphant howl, then collapsed on the ground. Upon closer inspection, I could see small bruises left by the Dewott's attacks. I bet the Dewott attacked Poochyena because it thought it was trespassing on its territory, I thought grimly.

    "We've got to get you rested up," I said out loud, picking up the Poochyena gently. It gave a hoarse growl of dissent, but seemed to sore to really object. Scanning the forest around us, I noticed a bush with small blue berries and silver tops. I pulled one off the bush and nudged it closer to the injured Pokemon. "It's an Oran Berry," I explained softly. "If you eat it, you'll feel a little better."

    Poochyena hesitantly took a bite of the Oran Berry, then licked its lips and took another. When it was done, I picked a few more Oran Berries and held them in my hand for the Poochyena. It wolfed those down as well, and was soon looking healthy again. Not totally healed, but it was in a lot better condition than after the Dewott attack. With a small growl of thanks, the Poochyena gratefully pushed its head against my hand, nuzzling me. I laughed and ruffled its fur gently. "Do you know the way out of the forest?" I asked softly.

    The Poochyena perked up and gave a small, high-pitched yip, then turned around and raced off into the foliage. Grabbing Seph tightly, I went crashing after it towards the exit of the forest.

    After about fifteen minutes, I could see bright sunlight in front of us - unusual for this forest, where the sun didn't shine except for in a few clearings. Forgetting everything else, I raced forward out of the forest and into a field. "Finally, we're out," I sighed, basking in the warm sunlight. Stretching in front of us was a winding concrete road with signs pointing towards the city.

    Poochyena turned around towards the woods and glanced at me sadly.

    "Hey, you know you could come with me if you want," I chuckled softly.

    This got Poochyena's attention, and it looked at me with sparkling amber eyes. Giving the small Pokemon a faint smile, I stood up and pulled out a PokeBall. "Do you want to have a battle first?"

    The Poochyena gave a small nod and pawed the ground, as if to demonstrate its power. Then a battle it is.

    "Let's go, Seph!" I cried excitedly as my Snivy leaped off my shoulder, ready for battle. "Let's go easy on it, okay? No using powerful attacks. This is a friendly battle." Seph nodded to show she understood.

    "All right then, Seph, use Tackle!"

    Seph pounced at the Poochyena, knocking it off its paws. The two tumbled to the ground and slammed into a rock, writhing. Poochyena lunged forward and snapped at Seph with its powerful jaws, sinking its teeth into her tail.

    Seph wriggled free and whipped around, her tail growing with a bright green light and whipping Poochyena with a Leaf Blade. He yelped and stumbled backwards, growling. I gave Seph a disapproving look. I think Poochyena's weakened enough, though, I thought to myself. I pressed the small button in the center of the PokeBall, expanding it to its normal size. "PokeBall, let's go!" I yelled, throwing the ball at Poochyena. As I watched the ball move back and forth, I gritted my teeth, wondering if it would catch.

  2. #2
    Creator of Nathan Castle BlazeMaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    It's Behind You
    Posts
    683
    Blog Entries
    2

    Default Re: Lost in the Woods [Ready for Grading]

    Claimed
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f425/hunger-games-pok%C3%A9mon-136008/

    Hunger Games RPG

    21 Places Left.

    Officials needed

  3. #3
    Creator of Nathan Castle BlazeMaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    It's Behind You
    Posts
    683
    Blog Entries
    2

    Default Re: Lost in the Woods [Ready for Grading]

    Introduction

    Your Introduction wasn't too bad at all, you introduced the two main characters here, the Trainer and his Snivy, you explained the situation to us, in a good narrative, and you set up the main plot nicely. One thing that you didn't put in the introduction was description. Often writers can get away with a lot of description in the intro, as there isn't usually much action and its a good place to start. Also, it's always good to set up a ground bass for your characters' appearances in the form of description in the introduction. Otherwise your introduction was pretty good. It didn't have any action in but it didn't need to . So well done, beside the description this was a good introduction.

    Plot

    For an Easy capture, your plot was good. You had a good intro, describing the situation. You then presented the reader with the first problem, the Poochyena on the trainers leg. You followed up with a second problem and a conclusion. This is more than we can ask for on such a short story, and you did very well. One thing that you could have done would have done would have been to have a sub-sub-plot with the Dewott. If, say, it had mauled Poochyena badly and then fled, only to be pursued by the main characters, it would have been even better. As you only put him in for one scene, he's a bit of a random character and could nicely form the part of the antagonist if you so wanted. Otherwise your plot was really good. One thing that you did well was that you kept the amount of characters very small. I've seen people include as many as ten characters in a Easy capture like this, so your decision to limit it to four was a good one.

    Description

    Your description was of varying quality depending on what you were describing. You didn't describe the main character much. Even though you are writing in the narrative you should always describe the main character most. You don't have to use one chunk of description either, just put it in with actions, just to give the characters more flavour. The best place to put a lot of description is in the intro. In the first sentence, you said:

    "Are you kidding me?" I growled, scanning the crumpled map as my Snivy, Seph, peeked over my shoulder.
    It would be a good idea to add more description in this sentence. It's the perfect time for it. As I said, try to avoid describing things in large chunks. Just add small bits in with the actions, like this:

    "Are you kidding me?" I growled, scanning the crumpled map with my thin brown eyes as my Snivy, Seph, peeked over my shoulder standing just over 4'2" above the ground.
    This isn't a lot but we've already told the reader that the main character's short and has thin brown eyes. From here they may chose to build their own picture up if you don't give more description, but it'll be closer to what you want if you put in description.

    You described Pokémon attacks pretty well. You descriped Leaf Blade well as well as Razor Shell. What you didn't describe too well, were Seph and the Poochyena. Let's have a look at your description of Dewott:

    It was rather large, much larger than the Poochyena, and it looked as if it was more powerful as well. It was a large blue otter-like Pokemon with two shells that I recognized instantly as a Dewott, the evolved form of Oshawott.
    This is excellent! It would be even better, now, if you put descriptions like that for the more important characters too.

    Grammar

    Your Grammar is pretty solid, but there were a couple of mistakes.

    Fantastic.
    I understand what you are trying to do here, but unfortunately this technically isn't correct. There are a few solutions to this, the best two being to add a verb, by saying:

    It was Fantastic.
    Or by simply removing it altogether. Another thing that you did but wasn't entirely correct was using commas a lot. You put them in places where they were unnecessary, like:

    After a minute of running, I could see a strange Pokemon attacking the Poochyena.
    Remember that the comma isn't just a grammatical tool, but an oratory one. The moment a reader sees a comma, they will slow down, and as it gets slower, they will get more bored. I've just put in about three commas in that sentence where I might only have needed one. Especially when the plot is moving quickly or action is happening using commas is a mistake. Only put them where they are necessary or when you want to slow the plot down.

    Dialogue

    Dialogue is difficult to do in a story with only one speaking character, so there wasn't much of it. Also, what you had wasn't of excellent quality and was sometimes unnecessary. for instance, here you put:

    "Are you kidding me?"
    This is a piece of unnecessary dialogue that is just clogging up the plot flow. You could just have started your story by saying:

    I scanned the crumpled map as my Snivy, Seph, peeked over my shoulder.
    And your story would be fine.

    You made a few grammatical errors too. The biggest one was that sometimes you didn't start a new line for a new speaker of for new dialogue. As well as being correct, it breaks up the space in between dialogue into smaller, more readable chunks. To give an example, here you put:

    "Are you kidding me?" I growled, scanning the crumpled map as my Snivy, Seph, peeked over my shoulder. "There should be a route here. I'm positive there should be a route here, but there's not."

    It was my first day as a Trainer, and I was already lost. Fantastic. We had been walking for half an hour, but we just kept going in circles. I sighed and shoved my map carelessly into my knapsack. This wasn't doing us any good at this point - it would take a miracle to find our way out of this mess. "Do you have any ideas?" I muttered, looking at Seph, who shook her head.
    You should have put:

    "Are you kidding me?" I growled, scanning the crumpled map as my Snivy, Seph, peeked over my shoulder. "There should be a route here. I'm positive there should be a route here, but there's not."

    It was my first day as a Trainer, and I was already lost. Fantastic. We had been walking for half an hour, but we just kept going in circles. I sighed and shoved my map carelessly into my knapsack. This wasn't doing us any good at this point - it would take a miracle to find our way out of this mess.

    "Do you have any ideas?" I muttered, looking at Seph, who shook her head.
    Now this is nicer to look at, and the reader's going to prefer it.

    Otherwise your grammar was pretty good on the dialogue. You put commas in the correct places and full stops where they should be, which on an Easy capture is a great thing to do.

    The Battle

    There are a few things that I look for in a battle, good move description, equilibrium between the two Pokémon, and a good battle. Your battle had the first but not the second and third. Your battle was only two moves long, and it could have been much longer. Think of your battle's plot like your story's plot, with an introduction, a few problems, and a conclusion. Where you only had one problem, Poochyena grabbing Snivy's tail, you could have had many more and complex problems, and you could have the trainer sorting them out. Also, you said not to use any powerful moves and you go straight in with Leaf Blade as your second move, which, by level up, is Snivy's most powerful after Leaf Storm. You could have easily lengthened this battle to make it interesting.

    Also, your descriptions were a bit lacking. Even though you had described Leaf Blade earlier it's good to show it again, mainly because it's the only move that looks particularly different to the rest. Othewise your battle was good and the two Pokémon were balanced.

    Verdict

    Dramatic music....Lights on stage.....Drum Roll...Poochyena Captured! Well done! In the future just remember to put more description in and have longer and more descriptive Battles. Well done, and enjoy you new Pokémon!

    @Eifi;
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f425/hunger-games-pok%C3%A9mon-136008/

    Hunger Games RPG

    21 Places Left.

    Officials needed

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •