Lost on the River

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  1. #1
    I was born for this Greece's Avatar
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    Default Lost on the River



    Swimming in a small river out in the mountains, there was school of fish like creatures. They had red scales on their bodies, with two white fins on their sides, a white tail, two weird yellow things on the top and bottom of their body. They also had a pair of whit eyes with small black iris in each one, they had pink lips, and close to the lips they had long yellow whiskers.


    The school was swimming down the river as they made their annual trip to the southern lake. As they swam two of the creatures conversed. “Once again we swim down the river with ease and no excite meant.” One of the older ones said, “Stop complaining, it’s safer this way,” the younger one said, “Head said if we swim through the smaller rivers we might get lost!”


    “And what’s they chance of getting lost? We all know the way to the lake like the back of our fins!”


    “But we can’t see our fins well; actually we can’t see them at all.”


    “Don’t doubt my logic! All I’m saying is that we should take a detour,” He started to smile “I’m going to head of down that smaller river. Are you coming?” “Don’t!” The younger one said when she saw the older one was determined to do this, she fallowed after him.


    As they headed down the side river the current got strong and whisked them around. “The current is strong, my fins aren’t strong enough!” The younger one claimed as she was bummed around. “Just stay where’s it week, and stay behind the rocks!” The older one ordered her. As they were pushed farther down, the river became rocky. “Watch Out!” the older one yelled as they pummeled into a giant rock. The force of hitting rock sent them flying in different directions.


    When the small fish had gathered herself she noticed she was alone. “Hello? Is anyone here?” She called out. When she didn’t receive a reply she decided that she would have to find her way to the lake. The river was calmer now, it was easy to swim. She swam down the river; there wasn’t anything on this part of the river. The water got murky and thicker; it even had started to smell. Swimming became a little harder to swim; the water was gooey and heavy.


    After a couple more minutes the river emptied out into a dirty area surrounding a bunch of buildings. It had gotten dark and all the buildings were glowing. She dived down into the water to look for food. Once she was under she looked around and took note to some brown plants. When she reached the plant she immediately nibbled on it; then she started to gag, the plant tasted terrible. She swam off from the plant, eating something that taste that bad couldn’t be good for you. After swimming around for a while she came across something that smelt very good.


    Observing the substance, it seemed to be floating in the water. It looked more appetizing then the plants but, it seemed out of the ordinary to find some so pleasing in this murky place. She eyed the food It looked good, and she hadn’t eaten in a long time. After thinking about it, she started nibbling on the food. Once she had chomped on it, it immediately shot up to the surface while she was still holding on. She tried to swim back down, but the force pulling her was too strong. Now she had been taken out of the water and was dangling in the air.


    She was flopping around trying to break free, but it was useless. She looked over and saw that a human had reeled her in. He looked at her and said “You don’t see many Magikarp around here, don’t worry I’ll take good care of you.” The Human brought her over and put her into a create full of water, and carried her off.



  2. #2
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lost on the River

    I'll claim this! The grade should be up as soon as possible!

  3. #3
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lost on the River

    Introduction: Your introduction served its purpose. While there was not very much description in it, we were exposed to what we needed to be exposed to. As usual, I'll jump right into my four W's to better portray my viewpoint on the intro.

    Who: The story follows a nameless Magikarp, though we know that the Magikarp is a girl. We got some general description for all Magikarps at the beginning, but nothing special was described about the main character. Of course, if the main character looks just like any other Magikarp, this makes sense, but we weren't really told either way. I liked that you didn't give a name to the Magikarp; it was more universal that way.

    Where: The story starts in a river, but soon progresses to a rapids of sorts that lead into a city. You did a nice job telling us where the characters were, but you never really showed us. I knew where they were by their names instead of their descriptions, which would have made the story a lot more enjoyable to visualize in your head while reading it.

    What: We find out that the story is following two adventurous Magikarp on their way to the lake but end up taking a 'detour' that takes them far from home. It's a pretty simple plot, but the plot doesn't have to be complex for a pokemon like a Magikarp. It was clear from the very beginning what the story was going to be about, so there was no questioning from me.

    When: Whenever the annual trip to the lake is. This rarely applies to stories, and it didn't really apply to yours, so you won't be graded upon it. However, I did like that you at least gave us an actual time to go off of. Many stories of this rank don't, so it was nice to know when the Magikarp were traveling to the lake instead of just 'they went to the lake'.

    Plot: Like I've said above, this plot is fairly simple. It doesn't have much to it, but it doesn't need much to it. Magikarp is one of the easiest pokemon obtainable via stories, so a very complex plot isn't needed.

    The plot was a little too predictable for me. I was going to predict that the Magikarp gets lost, encounters a friendly trainer, and they come together as partners. However, you proved my prediction wrong (which I'll explain further underneath the Climax section).

    One thing that I found myself wondering as I was reading this was what had happened to the other Magikarp. Did it ever make it back to the rest of the Magikarps? Did it end up at the same spot as the main character, but they never encountered each other? The way you left that up to question was a very nice plot element, as it pulled me in even further.

    Climax: The Climax wasn't really what I was expecting, which is something that I really enjoy reading, especially in stories of this length where they tend to be so predictable. You definitely proved my statement under the plot section wrong; I

    The fact that you made your story have a darker climax was something that I liked very much. Like I said earlier, it was very unexpected and made your story more interesting to read. With the almost sadistic sounding trainer capturing the Magikarp at the end, it really added a whole new layer of depth to your story.

    After reading what I just wrote, I kind of feel like the trainer wasn't sadistic, but he was just acting like a normal human would. Even if it doesn't seem bad through the human's eyes, the Magikarp herself tells us the true horror behind it through her perspective. It sort of makes me feel bad for catching fish, when at first I didn't think much of it at all.

    My only complaint about the climax itself is this: seeing the length of this story only being about 3.5k characters, I think you could have added some more to the climax. It seemed to be too rushed, and we never even got some description of the trainer. If he had a sinister grin on his face or something equivalent to that, it would have added another awesome piece to your climax. However, I'm mainly asking for what I would have liked to see, not for what needed to be there. For a story of this ranking, your climax's description was just fine, but there is always room for improvement!

    Grammar/Conventions: This is one aspect of your story that really started to falter and hold you down. Magikarp stories don't always have to have the best grammar, but my job also includes showing you new ways to improve so you have a better chance at writing stories at a higher level.

    One of the main things that you struggle with is something that I've seen in many stories all around the internet; proofreading, or lack thereof. When you're writing a story, you're often captivated in your ideas that you're attempting to write down, rather than the physical side of your writing. However, simply going through with a spell check would have caught a few of these errors.

    Mainly, these errors dealt with simple spelling mistakes, paragraph separation, comma placement, and a few errors in capitalization. I know that you know how to correctly use these things, seeing as you already have done so in other parts of your story, so I'll just point out a few of the errors, just so you can see them.

    They also had a pair of whit eyes with small black iris in each one, they had pink lips, and close to the lips they had long yellow whiskers.
    There were several errors in this sentence. First of all, whit should be white, which is a simple spelling error. Not that big of a deal, but it can be a bit jarring. Another error is just after that, being, 'with small black iris'. Since you are talking about a single iris, you have to include the word 'a' before the word 'small'. Another error is the comma between the words 'one' and 'they'. Seeing as these could both be independent sentences, a period should be placed. However, you could also use a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, or so), or you could use a semicolon in place of the comma. The last error in this section is the lack of a comma between 'lips' and 'they'. Seeing as 'close to the lips' is a non-essential phrase, it should be separated from the rest of the sentence.

    ...Do you see how many errors I found in just one (should be two) sentence (should be sentences)? Quite obviously, I was nitpicking, but I thought it would be easiest to show you without that many examples. However, my point still stands; you did all these things correctly later on in the story (bar the spelling errors, as you didn't use them again).

    One more thing that I thought I should point out is this: always separate changes in dialogue like you would any other paragraph. Regardless of the topic, when the speaker changes, it helps distinguish who exactly is talking, making the entire dialogue scene easier to read. I'll just point out one example, as you didn't have many dialogue scenes in your story in general.

    The school was swimming down the river as they made their annual trip to the southern lake. As they swam two of the creatures conversed. “Once again we swim down the river with ease and no excite meant.” One of the older ones said, “Stop complaining, it’s safer this way,” the younger one said, “Head said if we swim through the smaller rivers we might get lost!”
    I had a little difficulty reading this, but I'll try my best to separate it correctly.

    The school was swimming down the river as they made their annual trip to the southern lake. As they swam two of the creatures conversed.

    “Once again, we swim down the river with ease and no excitement.” One of the older ones said.

    “Stop complaining, it’s safer this way,” the younger one said. “Head said if we swim through the smaller rivers we might get lost!”
    Just below this paragraph, you split the dialogue up correctly, so I don't really know what went on. Either way, as you get into more advanced writing, things like this will be necessary.



    Length: The minimum character requirement for a Magikarp story is 3,000. For a story of this ranking, you're comfortably above that at about 3.5k. However, as you progress further into your story writing, being just a few hundred characters above the MCR is generally frowned upon and can even deduct from your end results. Just a tip for the future, since this story's length is fine.

    However, a little more length wouldn't have hurt it. You didn't even need to expand the plot of the story to increase the length; additional description would have given you more length and a better story as a whole. It would have added some visuals to your story, which could have given us an even better depiction of the story that you were trying to portray. Of course, I'm merely offering suggestions again; you still did a nice job with length, so I'll shut up about this now.

    Results: After contemplating this for a while, I've come to a conclusion: Magikarp is captured! While there were many aspects of your story that I feel you could have done better with, you still gave us a very intriguing and dark story that was a pleasure to read. Admittedly, many of my requests are, quite frankly, too demanding for a story of this length and rank, so you did well with what you were expected to do. However, when you start writing for more difficult pokemon, the errors I found aren't going to cut it, so take my advice into account. Enjoy your new pokemon!
    Last edited by Princess Crow; 23rd September 2012 at 03:45 PM.

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