The Lost Pearl (Ready for Grading!)

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  1. #1
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default The Lost Pearl (Ready for Grading!)

    The Lost Pearl

    A young boy with blue-black hair and cornflower eyes was laughing, as he was walking along with his parents’ hands intertwined with his. They were heading through a park, and the young boy was watching his father’s Togetic play with his mother’s Umbreon. The Togetic was tapping the Umbreon on the nose with her stubby arms, and giggling whilst doing so. The Umbreon was pawing at the Togetic, and bounding after it. His parents smiled upon their laughing son and the playing Pokémon. Argent’s father, Argyros, had his other Pokémon out of their balls, like he always did. A Dragonite flew through the air, as a Leafeon bounded towards the Umbreon and the Togetic, and accompanying the Dragonite was a Honchkrow.

    It was a perfect day, and the day Argent would remember the most.


    Argent’s cornflower eyes fluttered open as he awoke to the gentle jingling sound of his Chingling, Chimey. Also, a Ledyba scuttled over his body, and into his face, where it clung on. Argent sat up, stretching his arms out and yawning tiredly, realised that dawn had just broken. He was ever the early bird. Plucking the Ledyba gently from his face, Argent tickled his cream-coloured belly, causing the Five Star Pokémon to giggle and wriggle all six of his arms with delight. It was the Pokémon that Argent had successfully hatched from an egg a week or so ago, and Argent had nicknamed him Ledi. He smiled as Ledi yawned cutely, and then took into the air, whizzing around Chimey’s body in an orange blur.

    Chimey rang out at Ledi to stop, as she kept getting hit with his wings. So Ledi landed beside Chimey, and with three hands for each of hers, he shook them, after a while withdrawing his hands. Once Argent had a fire going, he cooked some waffles for himself, and then some food for Ledi and Chimey. When they started to eat, some Pokémon gathered on the grassy hillside and stared enviously at their breakfast. Among them were Jigglypuff, Pichu, Magby and Meowth, and they were the ones who rushed down the hillside, and stopped near the two Pokémon and their trainer, and hung there with miserable faces, which was obviously a massive hint that they wanted some, which Argent got. He set to work again cooking some food, which the four Pokémon gobbled up greedily, and then ran away.

    “Freeloaders...”

    As they began to travel again, they headed over the hill where the Pokémon were previously gathered. They progressed down the hill, but Chimey then took a bad step, and began rolling, gathering momentum and grass as she did so. Ledi flew after her, and then Argent ran, half-laughing, half-concerned. He was, in fact, concentrating so much on Chimey and Ledi, that he didn’t notice a Spoink, which was bouncing right for him. Although, he did notice when the Spoink landed on his face, scaring the life out of him so much that he did a spectacular comedy fall, and began rolling along with the Bell Pokémon. The Spoink was hurriedly bouncing down the hill after them, and when the Chingling and Argent had came to a stop, the Spoink begged Argent for his attention.

    Having a better look at the Bounce Pokémon now, Argent noticed that he had no pink pearl on his head. The Spoink looked like he was quite weak, and he was desperately wanting his pearl back. His pink cheeks were pale, and his grey body was also becoming a lighter shade. The loss of his pearl was clearly sickening the Spoink.

    “Where is it, then, Spoink?” Argent asked in concern, raising an eyebrow.

    Chimey listened to the Spoink’s answer, and then decided that she needed a charade to explain the situation to Argent. She pointed at her pink body, and then at Argent’s blue-black hair, meaning that the thieves had pink hair. It took Argent a few minutes to figure out what Chimey was trying to say, and then he thought about who could possibly have pink hair. Deciding to take Spoink with them, he scooped up the Spoink and ran off, leaving Chimey to levitate behind him and Ledi to fly alongside her. In about ten minutes, they had arrived at an orange building with a Pokéball symbol on the front – a Pokémon Centre. As Argent entered, he couldn’t help but notice the warm and cosy surroundings. The red sofa, the crackling fire, even a sweet smell that helped him relax.

    He stepped forwards, and placed the Spoink on the ceramic counter.

    “He needs desperate help, nurse,” Argent pleaded.

    The nurse nodded patiently, and whistled. A Chansey and a Blissey appeared with a stretcher, and the nurse gently placed Spoink on the clean and soft material, and then the Chansey and Blissey carried Spoink away.

    “Your Spoink will be fine. He will be put on a machine that will support him for now.”

    Ignoring the fact that Spoink wasn’t his, he turned and splayed his body out on the sofa, looking towards the television that was occupying a space on the wall above the fireplace. There was a news report on, and a buisnesslike woman with her blonde hair tied back in a ponytail, and her brown eyes flashing at the audience in concern.

    “The nefarious Team Rocket have been sighted near the Pokémon Center by Hoppip Hill, and are reportedly attempting to kidnap the multitudes of Pokémon that live there. If you are near Hoppip Hill at the moment, then it is recommended that you move around with caution. Here is a photograph that was taken early this morning,” the reporter in her mid-twenties said, and then her face was replaced by a picture. Two people with pink hair were running, and one of them was triumphantly holding up a pink sphere.

    That has to be Spoink’s pearl! Argent thought in surprise.

    Rushing to the counter, he politely asked the nurse to tell Spoink something for him, as he was going to leave for a short while.

    “Tell him I’ve gone to get his pearl back.”

    His eyebrows arched determinedly, he dashed out of the Centre, Chimey and Ledi following after him. Heading back towards Hoppip Hill, he scaled up it, and stood at the top, his hand shielding his eyes from the sun, as he searched the landscape below him. Then he saw it – a building that had a golden letter ‘R’ protruding from it. Quickly bounding down the hill, he sprinted in the general direction that he saw the building in. Running through some dense woodland, it took him about fifteen minutes to navigate through it. Emerging on the other side of the trees, he noticed that lots of Pokémon were just walking or flying into the building, which looked like a warehouse of sorts.

    What he found strange was that there were no Ghost-, Dark- or Psychic-types that were going in there. Only focusing on this, he hadn’t noticed that Ledi had flown off into the building. Then, Chimey tapped his leg, and then jingled in panic as she was trying to get Argent to pay attention. Argent, wondering why the Bell Pokémon was so frightened, looked down at her, and then looked just in time to where she was pointing to see Ledi zipping into the building. Knowing that he wouldn’t be able to get through where the Pokémon were, he looked around to see if there were any other entrances, and then saw an open window.

    It was about ten foot above his reach.

    However, Chimey sprung off of the ground, and floated towards the open window. Seeing that Argent couldn’t get up, she concentrated on him, and then her eyes began to glow purple. Argent’s body then became enveloped in this glow, and he rose into the air. Floating through the window, Chimey beckoned Argent to follow, and then he found that he could float after her. Stopping at a certain point, they both noticed a pink sphere on a machine.

    “They must be using that to take control of the other Pokémon and forcing them to come here,” Argent whispered, disgusted with Team Rocket’s behaviour. Chimey jingled gently in agreement.

    Then, Team Rocket employees came out of doors at two sides of the room, and stood guard, in front of the orb. Chimey, floating down in front of them, began to jingle angrily at them, and then one of the grunts stepped forwards, preparing to boot the Chingling away from them. But Argent floated down, the glow fading from him, and then he grabbed the grunt’s leg mid-kick. Twisting it, the grunt fell over and hit his face off of the metallic floor, causing his nose to gush with blood.

    “You little meddler! Get away from this place! You can’t stop our domination!” the other grunts shouted at him.

    Argent, a little afraid, stepped back slightly, and then, not taking kindly to being called a ‘little meddler’ simply said one thing:

    “Yes, I can. Chimey, let’s go!”

    Unexpectedly, Chimey hopped into the air, and then opened her mouth, unleashing a powerful ringing noise right in one grunt’s face, blasting the grunt backwards and deafening her, blood pouring out of her ears. One grunt was trying to punch Argent, who was weaving out of the way of the strong fists. Dropping to the floor, he brought one leg and swept it in an arc in front of him, bringing the grunt’s feet out from underneath him and making the grunt’s head whack off of the floor, knocking him clean out. That was three down, and two more to go. But the last two had a different idea on their minds – one that would definetly turn the tides, and most likely kill the pink-and-white-tasselled Bell Pokémon and her cornflower-eyed trainer.

    “Attack, Pokémon!” they both screamed.

    Argent and Chimey turned away from them, and saw that the Pokémon were trying to unleash their attacks on them. Chimey, floating into the air and trying to lead the attacks away from Argent, tried every attack that she had on the Pokémon that were extremely hostile. Argent, looking at the one Pokémon, trying to defend herself against the hundreds that were there. Argent’s heart missed a beat with sadness, and his eyes became shiny with tears, as he wondered if his little Pokémon would survive. What also upset him was the look in Ledi’s eyes. It was pure evil. Seeing that the two grunts were paying attention to the Pokémon and cackling, he turned to them, extremely angry.

    “You.. are EVIL!”

    With the last word, he punched one of them with all of his might, landing it on his eye, sending the grunt sprawling. Then, he kicked outwards, hitting the last grunt in the stomach, and then elbowing the grunt in the head once she doubled over, sending her to the floor, out cold. He hadn’t a clue where this sudden strength had come from. Probably his extreme anger and adrenaline. As he glanced behind him, he saw Chimey fall from the air, and then, delivering a kick to the glass surrounding the pearl, it smashed, and a fragment became stuck in Argent’s pale-skinned arm, ripping through his black shirt and the skin. Wincing in pain, he grabbed the pearl, taking it away from the machine’s grasp, the Pokémon returned to normal.

    All of them fled, probably because they were so ashamed of injuring the Chingling, that now lay on the floor. Running over, the pink pearl in hand, he collapsed to his knees, crying over his innocent Chingling. Her body was scratched and she looked unsightly in the extreme. Argent had nothing to do but cry in frustration and despair. Ledi flew over to him, and patted his back reassuringly. Chimey’s eyes were barely open. As his tears ran down his face, he saw the last glint of determination in his Bell Pokémon’s eye, and scooped her up. Running out of the building, he sprinted as hard as he could, concentrating so much on saving his Pokémon’s life. Ledi zipped after Argent.

    He then looked at the round, pink, largish pearl that had caused him so much trouble. He felt like casting it away, but to do so would make all of their effort and injury in vain, so he held onto the pearl like he held onto Chimey’s life. The tears were going away, replaced by sheer determination to make everything all right again. He had to make it.

    Springing out of the woodland, he was now nearing Hoppip Hill. Clambering upwards as hard and as fast as his muscles allowed, he reached the top, and then slid down, his feet hitting the ground with a thump as the hill ended. Leaping up, he zipped for the Pokémon Centre. Just a few more steps. But as he was about to get into the entrance, someone knocked him over.

    “Get away! Chimey’s in danger!” he yelled, the determination cut out by fear that he was just a few inches away from saving Chimey’s life, but this life-saving path was cut short.

    But Ledi was not done with this yet. He was angry with Team Rocket for being able to control him so easily. All six of his fists glowing, he flew towards the Team Rocket grunt, and then smashed all of them into the figure, and then the grunt flew straight up into the air, most likely extremely injured and not returning. Ledi grinned in triumph, and then Argent stood up once more. He burst through the entrance, and then called for help, as Chimey’s eyes began to close – maybe for the final time in her life.
    Blissey rushed from every door, and took the Chingling off of Argent’s hands, rushing her off into the Emergency Room. Shakily, he walked to the counter, his legs like jelly.

    “I want to see Spoink,” Argent said bluntly – he was too exhausted, both physically and mentally, to be any different. The nurse curtly nodded, and led Argent into the room where Spoink was being kept. He still had the pale grey colour on his body – he was not recovering, without his pearl. Argent, who had the pearl grasped firmly in his palm, stretched his arm towards the Spoink, and opened his palm, revealing the large pearl. Removing Spoink from the machine, the nurse held him out to Argent. Taking a deep breath, the day’s events playing over in his mind, he placed the pearl on the Bounce Pokémon’s head.

    The colour immediately returning to Spoink’s cheeks and body, he bounced out of the nurse’s grip and into Argent’s arms. Argent laughed with relief, and hugged the Spoink which had caused him so much trouble today. He headed out of the room, and sat on the sofa, in front of the fire, and waited for news of Chimey. Ledi was already asleep, extremely tired himself.

    After about an hour, a Blissey came out, but she did not have Chimey in her hands. Argent panicked, as he didn’t see Chimey. Then, suddenly, Chimey floated over Blissey’s head, and into Argent’s arms. She held out a hand to the Spoink, and then they both bounced upwards at the same time, slapping each other’s hands in a high-five. Then, they danced with each other, and finally, Chimey did something quite alarming – she used telepathy to speak to Argent.

    Can Spoink come with us? He really wants to! Chimey asked sweetly in his mind. Her voice sounded silky and happy, and it was hard to resist.

    “Of course he can, Chimey!” Argent agreed. He fell asleep, but not before tapping Spoink with a Pokéball, and capturing him. Letting Spoink out, Argent gave him his nickname:

    Baneboo.

    That night, there was a full news report, including an interview with Argent, on the television, and how he had thwarted Team Rocket...
    Last edited by Buoy; 2nd May 2010 at 08:32 AM.

  2. #2
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Lost Pearl (Ready for Grading!)

    Introduction, Characters, Backstory:The introduction is nice, and your main characters, Argent, Chimey and Ledi, are well introduced. What is, to some extent, lacking is a description of where they start out. The reader can't tell where the first part of the story is taking place until you mention a 'grassy hillside' that the wild Pokémon are standing on, and even then it's not entirely clear if Argent and co. are on the same hillside.


    Plot Content, Plot Flow: The plot is refreshingly different from the classic 'Trainer goes in search of Pokémon, finds Pokémon, battles and catches it.' In addition to the plot being long enough to showcase your writing well, you fleshed it out enough with details and descriptions that it falls comfortably within the 10k-20k suggested character count for a Medium catch like Spoink (14,915 characters to be exact.)


    Grammar, Sentence Flow: There are no errors in your writing that in any way make your story less legible or understandable: Your grammar and spelling are near flawless.

    There are a couple of little things that I noticed, but they're minor mistakes that don't affect your story overall: I'm certainly not going to 'mark you down' for them. ^_^

    Quote Originally Posted by Calfab
    It was a perfect day, and the day Argent would remember the most.
    The most out of what? This is a stylistic thing rather than a hard rule of grammar, but normally you have to at least hint at what the 'pool of contenders' is.
    I would also use 'best' rather than 'the most,' because I find memory to generally be quantitative.
    Example: "It was a perfect day, and the day Argent would remember best for the rest of his life."

    Quote Originally Posted by Calfab
    Unexpectedly, Chimey hopped into the air, and then opened her mouth, unleashing a powerful ringing noise right in one grunt’s face, blasting the grunt backwards and deafening her, blood pouring out of his ears.
    You mixed some pronouns here. 'She' was blasted backwards and deafened, but blood poured out of 'his' ears.
    Other than these, nothing else was jarring enough to merit comment. Good overall.


    Detail, Description: Most things are well-described, but a few locations, such as the grassy hill the story starts out on and the Rocket hideout, aren't given any specific detail. This is made up for by the fact that you are quite descriptive with nearly everything else, for instance the Pokémon Center, which is vibrantly painted with good choice of descriptive words.
    One thing that struck me as odd was that you made repeated references to Argent's "cornflower(-coloured)" eyes, but only a few other details of him were described, and even then only in passing. Maybe a description of your main character is in order at the beginning of your story, to make him a bit less of a giant question mark in the reader's mind.

    Battles:You wrote a realistic and well-described battle that generally sustained the good quality of the previous writing. Having the Trainers take part instead of just the Pokémon was a risky choice, style-wise, but it fits with the realistic, if not gritty, version of the Pokémon world you portray, and you did the choice justice.
    Of course, when I say realistic, I'm allowing for artistic license. Things such as the Tap On The Head would be severely dangerous in reality, but perhaps the Rocket has it coming to him... xD


    Overall: A nice little 'prologue' provides introduction and backstory alike for your character. Generally good descriptions and detail persist throughout your writing, with only a couple of weak points. These factors allow the reader to get the full impact of the plot without being distracted more than once or twice by questions like, "But who is this kid? What does the room he just walked into look like?"
    All in all, this story more than qualifies for a successful Medium catch, though I would be seriously on the fence if this were a more difficult rating: Your story wouldn't suffer from a bit more description of your main character and a fix of the places where your detailed writing slips.
    Great job, though, and I look forward to seeing even more of your stories in future! ^_^

    Result:
    Spoink: Caught.
    Last edited by Magikchicken; 2nd May 2010 at 10:51 AM.
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  3. #3
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Lost Pearl (Ready for Grading!)

    xP

    Thank you, Magik!
    I will take the comments on board in my next story! Only today did I notice the 'her' and 'him' thing xD

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