The Lost Cubone(WWC,Ready for grading)

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    Is awesome DarkShadowJake's Avatar
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    Post The Lost Cubone(WWC,Ready for grading)

    The Lost Cubone
    Target Pokemon:Cubone
    Group:Medium
    Required length:10K-20K
    Amount of characters:11347(Everything)






    “Cubone” I complained as I saw the trainer Jake battle off Proton. It was horrible to be abandoned by a human,that Charmander would be in a world of hurt. My human was nice........then turned cruel. I was abandoned by them,forgotten forever. I slowly walked away from the bush I was watching from. I felt block of led as I walked of from the scene. A trainer walked by. Nothing special,just a plain,old trainer. I was suddenly thrown into some kind of darkness. I felt nothing,but darkness.

    “BONE” I tried to scream in this.......prison! I was in some kind of prison. I felt like howling,but it was so scary. “Go Cubone” a girl's voice said. I felt the prison opening up,then I was flung out. “Awwwwwwww,your so CUTE!” I heard the girl's loud,obnoxious voice in my ears. I felt like using Bone Club,but I didn't. The girl had called me CUTE! It was horrible and disgusting! A Cubone was meant to evolve and battle,not be house pets. “Hi,my name's Alexis,what's your name” she asked,then pinched my cheek.

    That girl seriously messed with ME! I growled at the not so little girl anymore. “Do you want to evolve” Alexis asked. Why did she ask me that? Maybe she did want to train me. “Bone” I managed to say. I guess Cubones could say what they wanted to evolve when they wanted to? “A Marowak,aren't those ugly?” she tried to change my mind. Once we decide,we decide. Alexis kept trying to give me the “change your mind” look. I had already decided that I wanted to evolve into Marowak. That would be the best for me,then I could dominate. “Might as well take you home......” Alexis said.

    When I got to her back yard,I was amazed. It was an entire training ground set up for me. “If you want to be an Marowak,come over here” she told me. When I went over,it was a course trained for Marowak. It looked like some tubes,a battlefield,and lots of other neat stuff. “Cu?” I asked Alexis. Alexis looked in a book of Pokemon language,then replied, “Feel free to use the course.” My heart was pounding through my chest. I couldn't wait to start becoming a Marowak. “CUBONE” I declared in happiness.

    I was training all day. I couldn't feel my legs as I walked through one of the tubes for the hundredth time. “Work harder” Alexis tried to encourage me. I still couldn't find the strength to train anymore. I fainted....................



    “Here you go! My Charmander evolved in that fight Nurse Joy!” I said cheerfully. Nurse Joy took my Poke Ball. She came back later holding the tray. “Here you go. He's ready to go” Nurse Joy told me. I nodded,then took the Poke Ball. “Go Charmeleon!” I called. He stared at me,obviously wanting to go to another fight. I pulled out a Vs Seeker. “Let's see,who can we battle? Hey wait! TWIGGY MAN IS OUTSIDE!” I yelled,running outside. I crashed into Chris,my rival. Chris had blond hair,an orange striped shirt,green scarf,and a brown purse,I mean bag. “WATCH WHERE YOU WALK JAKE!” Chris shouted at me.

    I pulled out my Poke Ball containing Charmeleon. “Ha! Ready for a battle!” I taunted. A shook his head at me like I was crazy. “I don't have time for a battle! I heard there is a Cubone nearby.” Chris told me,pulling out an orange Pokedex. It showed a Cubone nearby on the map. “I have to catch that!”

    “No I am!”

    “I want to! It's only fair!”

    “No! I need it!”

    “You're being stubborn! It's not fair if you get it!”

    “ Look Jake,I saw it first.”

    “How about we just race for it?”


    “Good idea” Chris said. I put away my Poke Ball with Charmeleon. We zoomed off as fast as we could,avoiding all hazards. We found a battlefield where a girl was. She wore a black dress,white gloves,high heels,had pale skin and eyes,and the most brownest hair ever. “My name is Alexis,yours?” she asked. By the looks of it,Chris was falling for her. “YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL! WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME! HOW ABOUT WE HAVE A DATE RIGHT-” Chris stopped at the look of the Cubone. We had tracked her Cubone.

    “Impossible!” I said. We both stared at the Cubone,or Chris was staring at Alexis. She picked up the Cubone,which appeared to be fainted. “Poor,poor,poor,Cubone” I said,while Chris stared at Alexis. Cubone looked at me,like he knew me from before,an old friend,perhaps. “Uh,hey buddy! Want a berry?” I asked,offering him a Sitrus Berry. It refused,then went back to Alexis. “Uh,okay. I wonder what's wrong with Cubone” Alexis smiled at me. Cubone jumped into her arms,ignoring me. I put away the berry,then went back into the conversation.

    “My name is Jake,this is Chris my rival. We saw a Cubone on our Pokedex,and decided to come here.” Jake explained,reaching out his hand to Alexis. She shook it,then looked over at Chris. “An apology,please?” Alexis asked. Chris hung his head in shame, “Sorry Alexis. I-I just got out of control.”
    Alexis shook his hand too,accepting the apology. “So,where did you get the Cubone?” Jake asked. Alexis nodded at Cubone. “I found it” she put it at that. “Uh,how about that date-HEY DON'T LEAVE ME!” he shouted,as Alexis walked away with Cubone She turned back at them. “Are you coming?” she asked.

    I followed her and Cubone,Alexis was leading me to a......river? “Why didn't we bring-” The river had some sort of rock in the middle. It was clogging up the river,preventing it from moving. “What does this have to do with you and the Cubone?” I asked,trying to avoid a tone. I noticed the rock,which was dark brown,and a lighter brown rock on the top. “I give you the Cubone if you beat Golem” she smiled as she said it. A Golem? “No way princess,wait the Cubone?” I was stunned that she mentioned it,I really wanted it. “Fine. Go Starly!” I sent out my new Pokemon.

    Starly looked at me in the eyes,it was time for a battle. “See that rock,that's a Golem. Use Aerial Ace!” Starly obeyed,then rammed into the rock. Golem stirred,then got up,looking angry. “Golem!” It rolled,then hit Starly. The gray bird collapsed on the ground,I called it back. “Alright then! Go Charmeleon!” The flame lizard came out,and snarled at Golem. “Flamethrower!” I commanded,then the Golem used Rock Blast. The rocks were too much for Charmeleon. “I-I don't have any more,any more-” I stuttered,I was out of Pokemon. “I couldn't help you,sorry” I apologized,as the Golem approached us.

    “Don't feel sorry. Borrow Cubone” Alexis smiled at me,handing me Cubone. I was surprised,but I decided to use Cubone. “Bone Clun! Don't give in!” I ordered,Cubone lunged at a rolling Golem. Cubone whacked Golem's head,then it screeched “GOOOOOOOOOOLEM!” Golem fell to the ground,and I was surprised by Cubone's strength. “Alexis,I did it. I can't wait to keep Cubone” I said,hugging Cubone tightly for a good job done.

    The river started to flow again,and all the Pokemon were swimming. “Thanks,I'll tell all the Pokemon about what you did” Alexis smiled,blushing. We headed back to go see Chris,with Cubone in my arms. Chris was waiting impatiently for us,but when he saw Alexis,his mood changed. “Ah,so,yo got the Cubone I suppose?” Chris asked me,I nodded. “Well,not completely,it still hasn't decided yet” I finished....

    The three of us went inside,sitting at the table eating. “I love Magikarp! It's so juicy and soft!” I said through a mouthful of food. Chris and Alexis nodded at what I said. Cubone was eating with Grotle and Charmeleon,enjoying himself. “So Alexis,what's your goal? Jake and I are rivals,aiming to get gym badges!” Chris declared. Alexis just looked over at Cubone,then back at us. “Well,I aimed to be a breeder. I've always wanted to be one” Alexis replied,looking uneasily at the amount of food I was eating. “Well,that's great. Anyways,Chris what Pokemon have you caught?” I asked.

    Chris lifted up two Poke Balls,then sent them out. “Well,my starter Grotle,a Dusclops,and a Beedrill. Best Pokemon you could EVER get.” Chris said. I just ignored his comment,and I'm pretty sure Alexis did too. “Well boys,I guess I get to do the dishes” she said,picking up the plates and bringing them over to the sink. “Damn,so I only have two Pokemon? Not counting Cubone....” Jake whispered to Chris,starting a conversation. He smiled,then pointed to the backyard. “A battle? Three on three?” Chris asked,as I nodded in agreement. Alexis also agreed,as she followed us outside.

    “Go Grotle!” he called,as the turtle with a bush on its back came out. “Alright,we'll try Starly!” Jake declared,sending out the gray bird. “Aerial Ace!”

    “Leaf Storm!”

    The two attacks collided,leaving a panting Starly,and a weakened Grotle. Leaves were still floating in the air from Grotle's attack. “Quick Attack!”

    “Bite!”

    Grotle latched onto Starly,however,Starly's speed got it out of Grotle's reach. It then swiftly rammed into the turtle,however its defenses caused it to do about nothing. I was hoping to somehow beat Chris,but he was good. “Great game. Aerial Ace!” I called,hoping for some luck.

    “Rock Climb!”

    Rock Climb put Starly on a mountain,with Grotle scrambling up it. Grotle reached the top,then slashed Starly with its claws. Starly fainted. “Return!” I called,then patted the Poke Ball. I looked over at Eevee,and it jumped onto the battlefield. “Alright,Eevee,we're going to see your skills! Bone Club!” I called happily.

    “You do a bite!”

    Grotle's huge mouth was nothing to Cubone's club. Cubone fainted,but I wasn't surprised,because it was a recent Pokemon I got. “Return! Go Charmeleon! Flamethrower!” I hoped that Charmeleon could take down Grotle and the rest,but it would be too much.

    “Leaf Storm.”

    And that's how our battle ended. I walked away,depressed. When I was getting ready to leave and continue my adventure,Alexis stopped me. “Don't leave Jake” she told me. I just looked at her,then I realized she wanted to say bye to Cubone. “Bye Cubone I'll miss you. Anyways,Jake,I'll miss you too” she said. I just tried to give a smile. “It's nothing. I'm just obliged to take your Cubone.” I replied to her. “But still,maybe I want to keep it. Bye” she gave me a sweet smile,then gave me a peck on the cheek. Alexis went back inside,blushing.

    And so ends another of one of my tales. But did I keep the Cubone,or give it back? All in all,the adventure continues always. I'll see you next time in Jake's Journal,the third part to my story collection.

    -Ending of Chris's tale-

    “What? I can't stay the night? Oh for Ganon's sake!” he yelled. Chris packed up his things,and got his Poke Balls. “Okay,now leave!” Alexis yelled back at him. Chris walked outside,then got a move on. “Time for my adventure to continue!” Chris declared.
    Last edited by DarkShadowJake; 12th December 2010 at 12:49 AM.
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    Is awesome DarkShadowJake's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Lost Cubone(WWC,Ready for grading)

    Sorry for double post,but ready for grading!
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/showthread.php?t=86723
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    abcdefg. Shozuka's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Lost Cubone(WWC,Ready for grading)

    Here we goo.

    Introduction: This wasn’t the best of introductions. I was very confused when Cubone was randomly “thrown into darkness”. Afterwards I realized that he was being captured, but the reader may not understand this. You could have given an indication that Cubone was inside of a Poke Ball. Second, there is not one tinge of description. The best detail that I get is this:

    “Awwwwwwww,your so CUTE!” I heard the girl's loud,obnoxious voice in my ears.
    If you want the reader to be interested, try to add some more details about what is happening. Write down what you’re picturing in your head.


    Plot: This was very confusing. The beginning of the story talks about being abandoned by your trainer and him being cruel, but you never continue on this. This leaves the reader confused and can frankly cause them to stop reading. Next time try to elaborate on everything you write to give the reader a better understanding rather than abandoning it.

    Another problem was that Alexis and the two main characters randomly become friends without much interaction. Five minutes and she’s already inviting them over for dinner. This isn’t really realistic. Maybe they’ve already known her beforehand? Describe these things.

    The last thing that I’ll point out is that you never return to Cubone’s point of view. I would have loved to read about Cubone as Jake battles him. Take the extra step in describing the events in your story, as I’ve said. Overall, the plot was pretty simple and could have been better. Follow my advice and your future stories could be twice as good.

    Grammar/Spelling: This was pretty bad, to be completely honest. I actually didn’t see any spelling errors in here, but you have plenty of grammatical errors. A major recurring error I see is that you don’t seem to put a space after a comma.

    It was horrible to be abandoned by a human,that Charmander would be in a world of hurt.
    You need to put a space after each and every comma that you write. This is just one of the many other errors regarding this issue. You seem to use the comma much too frequently, so let’s cover the use of a comma.

    You should never use a comma when:

    a. You want to separate a subject from a verb.

    b. You want to separate two verb phrases or noun phrases.

    c. You want to separate an independent clause from a dependent clause only when a dependent clause is after the independent clause.

    Ex: I listened to music, as I wrote my story.

    This is incorrect.
    Overall, you should look over your story a few times and use a grammar check. You need some improvement with this.

    Detail/Description: There was nearly no description of what you wrote. When you write, try to describe what you see in your head. You want to give the reader a mental image of what’s going on. I have no idea how any of the characters look. That isn’t good. Think of it like a page in a coloring book. The story is the outline of the picture. The detail is the colors that you put into the picture. Without description, your story is just an unfinished page.

    Length: The story was about 10,500 characters, barely passing the minimum. More details and a better elaborated plot would have changed this.

    Battle: This was, like the other sections, dull. The lack of description caused the battle to be short and quite boring. Instead of just telling the reader that one Pokemon attacks the others, show the reader how it’s done. This keeps people reading and enjoying the story. You could have also described the surroundings and the characters’ reactions to the battle before them. It was just an “attack, attack, attack, attack, faint” type of battle, which is horridly uninteresting and turns the reader off.

    “Rock Climb!”

    Rock Climb put Starly on a mountain,with Grotle scrambling up it. Grotle reached the top,then slashed Starly with its claws. Starly fainted.
    This is an example. All you’re writing is attack after attack. You could make the battle more suspenseful and interesting by adding some more description.

    “Rock Climb!” Chris’s piercing blue eyes shifted left and right, watching the ongoing battle.

    The large Grotle swiftly scrambled up the lofty mountains before he reached Starly, who was ready to attack. However, Grotle was too fast for Starly, slashing at its face. The diminutive bird couldn’t endure the pain, and fell to the floor.
    Can you see the difference? Descriptions make the battle enticing. Try to do this next time you write a story.

    Outcome: This story could have been much better. Even if it was only for a Medium mon, it needs some improvement if you want to get the Cubone. Cubone not captured!
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