Look into the future, and breathe the stardust(needs to be claimed)
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Thread: Look into the future, and breathe the stardust(needs to be claimed)

  1. #1
    Man of Many Accelgor Piemonade's Avatar
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    May 2011
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    Default Look into the future, and breathe the stardust(needs to be claimed)

    Forests. They seem to stretch on and on. You go through to the very end, and eventually you will find what you are looking for.

    The breeze in the air was cool, as I walked along the grassy patches of the forest. I thought to myself, "This is my first time trying to capture a Pokemon...what if I don't succeed?"

    I was alone, it was just me and my best friend Drowzee, walking along the seemingly endless forest. The Pidgey and Spearow were flying high, the Wurmple were crawling along the ground, seemed like a perfect day to catch a Pokemon.

    I didn't have a clue of where I was going, and neither did Drowzee. "Wow Drowzee, I thought you were psychic...do you even have an idea of where we are going?" I said to Drowzee with nothing but doubt.

    "Drow...Zee" he replied. I find it odd, Drowzee and I have a great bond, I can understand what he says, and he can understand what I say. Of course, we have our differences.

    Drowzee and I were both getting hungry. We decided to set-up camp on the edge of a nearby lake. I gave Drowzee some of his favorite food; Cheri Berries, while I had a bowl of some of my favorite gumbo.

    Later that night, I had a dream. I saw a tree with all sorts of Pokemon, Wurmple, Caterpie, Tailow, Pineco. But suddenly, a cloud came from nowhere, and started spinning, knocking off all the Pokemon.

    "Aaarrgh!" I woke up with terror, with Drowzee at my side. I quickly said to him "Did you put that dream in my head?" Drowzee nodded.

    Suddenly, I heard something weird in my head. It sounded like a familiar voice, it said to me "Look into the future, and you'll find your path"
    "Well, come on Drowzee, we have a lot of work to do today!" I said cheerfully, with Drowzee following me all the way.


    As Drowzee and I trekked across the forest, we suddenly heard a noise. I could not have mistaken that noise...it's the sound of trees rustling and branches moving, It must have been a Kricketot!

    Drowzee and I quickly rushed over to the where we heard the sound, we were absolutely right. A territorial Kricketot was guarding his tree with absolute persistence.

    All the Pokemon that would try to climb the tree, the Kricketot would simply perform a well executed Bug Bite to get the off.

    I quickly thought to myself "Should I catch this"...? I decided to give it a shot.

    "Okay Drowzee, use Future Sight!" I said with pride, with the longing to catch this Kricketot once and for all
    "Drow...." Drowzee's eyes suddenly shimmered light blue, and released a blue energy from his hands around the Kricketot. "ZEEE!"

    The Kricketot didn't even move...It just remained motionless, but I then noticed he was shaking. He must be doing a Bide Attack.

    Quickly, I said "Drowzee! Don't use attacks! Use Hypnosis!"
    Drowzee stared the Kricketot right in his eyes, and chanted "Drow...Zee...Drow...Zee" It apparently worked, as the Kricketot's eyes drifted away.

    "Drowzee! Use Zen Headbutt!" I said, with pure hope in my determined heart.

    It was easy to see that the Kricketot was badly damaged, so with all the hope and longing in my heart, I threw the pokeball.

    I thought to myself "Please, please, please, please!"


    Pokemon: Kricketot
    Need Characters: 3-5k
    Actual Characters: 3173

  2. #2
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Nov 2010
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    Default Re: Look into the future, and breathe the stardust(needs to be claimed)

    Introduction: I like this introduction, it's one that describes forests. Normally, I do not like introductions that do that, but this one is an exception because of how relaxingly it does the description. If an introduction can pull that off with description, I won't stop it from doing that, nor will I say that it's bad, because saying it's something it is not would be false advice. Keep doing these introductions if you can get them out as cleanly as this!

    I have one problem though, and it's between these two sentences:

    Forests. They seem to stretch on and on. You go through to the very end, and eventually you will find what you are looking for.
    Here, it seems a bit awkward that these sentences don't have a sort of bridge to keep them together, since they seem like something that not only a comma and space can work with. That's it though, and it's not major, so good job here!

    Plot: This plot is sort of unoriginal, but that's okay since it's going for Easiest. It seems a little bit like an anime short in the way that anime episodes usually go that way. You know the "little talk, see 'mon, battle 'mon, catch 'mon" episodes, where Ash and the other main characters try to catch something?

    I do sort of like it a little bit with all your description and stuff, so that's a plus. Good job here, just remember to make some more original plots if you decide to go up the ranks of writing.

    Description: I like the way you describe things. It has so much flow for the most part, which makes the story so easy to read. Especially in the introduction, I find that prevalent, since the beginning is such a major part of the story, and I usually hate description in the beginning. You pulled it off marvelously though, so you can continue to that like I said.

    My only problem was that you did not describe Drowzee except for calling it your best friend. Sometimes, readers might not remember, or even know, what a Drowzee is, so it would be nice to give some sort of description (such as a brown and yellow, human-like creature that sucks dreams) so that they can know what it is.

    Still though, you did well here for the most part, so great job!

    Reality: This situation is a pretty realistic one, so good job here.

    Dialogue: You're good here, and you definitely know the rules concerning dialogue, so you don't have much to worry about in this category.

    Grammar/Spelling: I didn't see any major problems, so you're good here.

    Length: This story is long enough, so you're good here. I can't think of any way to expand on it as well, so it's also good for its length.

    Personal Feelings: I can hardly believe this story is going for a mere Kricketot with the amount of skill I see. You made a regular find and capture story seem awesome to me with that excellent introduction, which immediately hooked me into the story.

    Outcome: Kricketot is captured! You did a great job with this story, and I could see few things wrong with it. I'd say you're definitely good enough for going up to Simple with this writing.

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?

    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods


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