Life of a Magikarp (WWC)

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  1. #1
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    Default Life of a Magikarp (WWC)

    Life of a Magikarp

    I slowly woke up to a feint ray of light blinding my retina, through a crack in the cave wall. After completely my stretches of my mouth muscles, I slowly waddled out of the cave and into the great mysterious lake. I glided through the water, greeting every other Pokemon when I passed by.

    “Good morning sexy Stunfisk,” I said to the community’s Stunfisk, who elegantly sat at the bottom of the lake bed. He was the community’s law enforcer, if something went wrong, Stunfisk would sort it out.

    I continued to swim towards my destination, the feeding plaza. The feeding plaza was a huge vegetated area, where many inhabitants of the lake would come and eat. It was always best to head down early before the larger Pokemon come, or it would be hard to find a space to eat. When I reached the feeding plaza, I swam towards another group of Magikarp, who had the same approach to me; get down early, more food.

    “Alright bros, any gossip you’ve got to share?” I said as I munched down on some sweet tasty pondweed. One of the Magikarps turned around and replied with a bunch of pondweed in his mouth, “Yeah, I heard Bobby got captured by one of the Big Foots.” I looked surprised, Bobby was the hardest Magikarp in the lake, rumour had it that he fended off against 10 Basculin, all at once.

    After I spent ten solid minuets munching on some pondweed, I said goodbye to the mates and headed back towards the comforts of the cave. Along my travels, I bumped into more Pokemon, heading off towards the Feeding Plaza. It was a group of Tympole. The relationship between Tympole and Magikarp isn’t very good. Over the years, there have been wars over certain parts of the lake. My great-grandfather died in one of those wars, taking a ball of mud to the eye. I carefully avoided them and carried on my dull adventure to the cave.

    I swam up a small path, leading to my cave, when suddenly I noticed a piece of meat dangling from nowhere. I glanced around and suddenly I threw myself towards the meat. It was a natural instinct. In order for a Magikarp to evolve into a mighty Gyarados, one must eat a sufficient amount of meat, and not rely on a diet of vegetables. As I sunk my small blunt fangs into the meat, I was suddenly catapulted out of the water. I gasped for water as I was thrown through the cool gentle breeze. Within seconds of leaving the water, I was face-first in a pile of mud. I bounced up and down, trying to flee to the comfort of the water. However in the corner of my eye, I noticed a small boy pointing his crooked finger towards my direction. I couldn’t understand what a word he was saying, however I knew that this wasn’t going to end well for me.

    The boy lifted up the fishing rod, which I was still attached to, and reeled my closer to his clumsy touch. The boy laid his hands on me and lifted me into the air. The sunlight bounced of my scales and reflected like a disco ball. This was my last chance. I started to shake in his hands, causing him to drop me on the floor. With ever muscle in my body, I headed back to the waters edge. I said to myself, “Common you can do it, you don’t want to end up as food for some Asian Family,”

    However it was all over. The boy reeled in the line and threw me in some sort of box filled with ice. He shut the lid and the light slowly disappeared. I closed my eyes hoping it was all a dream.

    Pokemon: Magikarp
    Characters: 3390

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Life of a Magikarp (WWC)

    ...claimed. Because wynaut. ._.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Life of a Magikarp (WWC)

    Okay, now that that’s over with, on with the show. Seriously, a month? I’msosorry.

    Introduction/Plot: In stories of this length, there’s not really much of an introduction to go off of; therefore, Introduction and Plot can pretty much be wrapped into one, big, delicious Introduction-Plot-Sandwich. …I’m never going to say that again.

    Anyways, point being here that in shorter stories, your main aim in your introduction is to make it fairly catchy and have it segue smoothly into the main body of your plot, which should be somewhat engaging and exist. You do this pretty nicely, and your basic plot is fairly simple: Magikarp walks (er… swims) around, talks with some friends, drops some references, and then gets eaten by Asian people. Huh. It’s simple, but it’s a refreshing twist to the normal trainer perspective. Which is cool.

    One of the things that you’ll want to look out for is actually trying to have too much plot in a shorter story, ‘cause then things are all messy and crammed together and things get too confused. It’s not that noticeable on the surface, which is cool, but you end up introducing a lot of points and plot ideas that you could expand on—little inside jokes like sexy Stunfisk )that you could prolly let hang in the air for a bit longer for us to giggle at your cleverness), Bobby the Basculin (whom we never see or hear again), perhaps some allegories about society with your dullness of the life of a Magikarp (cwutididthar). It’s going to look like I’m looking too far into your story, and perhaps I am. However, this is more of a “KEEP THIS IN MIND FOR THE FUTURE” sort of deal: you absolutely don’t want to create too many plot points that you don’t cover up. Think of each concept you introduce in your story as a piece of string, sorta. Ideally, you’d tie every piece of string shut to prevent fraying and give the entire thing a more complete look. The more pieces of string you have, the more difficult it becomes to tie off all of them. When you have a bunch of short pieces of string, you just get a sort of… fuzzball. And while fuzzballs are really cute, they’re not really the best thing to look at, right?

    The above problem is going to lead in nicely to my main issue with your plot, which really isn’t that large of an issue (which is cool, right?): you’re sort of suffering from a large case of mood whiplash. The whole intro is happy and sort of lighthearted, what with the Stunfisk and the consumption of weed… and then, suddenly, you turn the tables on us and the Magikarp is facing death. O.O That’s a bit hardcore of a turn here— maintaining believable and effective mood shifts is really difficult, and there’s not really a solid way to tell you how to pull one off, but you’ll really want to let things stand out a bit more. The change the way you have it is really abrupt and sort of uncomfortable, and most of that feel like it’s there because you rushed a bit through your plot and didn’t tie up all of your strings, so to speak. As such, you sort of jerk our heads back with the sudden shift between HURRAY, FUNNY and OHGODDIDTHEMAINCHARACTERJUSTGETEATEN? Don’t be afraid to flush out your plot a bit more, m’kay?

    It’s going to sound like I rambled a bit uselessly in this section, and that I was just fishing (CWUTIDIDTHAR?) for things to say. Again, not true. Since you’re somewhat of an experienced writer, I thought it would be safe to go this route, because you’re already getting into longer stories and this is one of those vital things that you’ll want to look out for.

    HOWEVER, for this story, you’re doing perfectly fine. I did like how you didn’t go for the standard “I’M A TRAINER GOING FISHING OHMAI A MAGIKARP” sort of thing, and you characterized your Magikarp fairly well. It worked out nicely in your case, and your plot was perfectly fine for an Easiest Rank capture. If the ramble in the paragraphs above scares you, don’t let it: right now, you’re doing fine for this story. Don’t worry. XD


    Your grammar on a whole is pretty solid, but there are some little things that I’d like to point out:

    I slowly woke up to a feint ray of light blinding my retina, through a crack in the cave wall.
    A couple of things are wrong with this sentence, which is fairly awk ‘cause it’s your opening sentence and all, but no worries, right? XD
    Firstly: “feint” is a sort of jabby thing where you try to fake someone out and either catch them off guard or get them looking into another direction sorta thing. Whereas the word you’re looking for, “faint”, refers to weak or diluted things (as well as the act of fainting), such as light. Homophones are silly.
    Secondly: retina is just an awkward word to use here. This is definitely more stylistical (but then again… eh, it’s debatable. Light does strike the retina and whatnot, but now words like cornea, iris, and Crypts of Fuch (jk, not them… no one likes them D:) feel left out). Plus, since your narrator just doesn’t seem like a retina sort of guy, it’d be a lot simpler to use “eyes” and be done with it. XD STYLISTIC, THOUGH. CAN HAS STOP WHENEVER.
    Thirdly, that final comma between retina and through is unnecessary. “Through a crack…” thingy is a prepositional phrase which doesn’t need to be separated by a comma. It’s simple, sorta, and since I don’t think we need to delve too far into the nuances of punctuation in so short of a grade, just reread that sentence and mentally pause when you read that comma. Sounds sorta odd, right? It’s not a fail proof test for comma usage, of course, but it’ll help you catch things like this early.

    “Good morning sexy Stunfisk.”
    Okay, so I lied a bit about not explaining commas, but this was a quick one and my Grammar Nazi sense were tingly. Basically, when you’re addressing anything, animate or not, you need to have a comma preceding the thing you’re speaking to. In this case, that’s your sexy Stunfisk, so your sentence should actually read:
    Good morning, sexy Stunfisk.
    Yup, that one was definitely easier to explain. Baha.

    he fended off against 10 Basculin, all at once.
    Firstly, I’m not sure if “fended off against” is really necessary—the phrase itself is “fended off XYZ”, so the against is kinda cumbersome and unnecessary.
    In addition, when you’ve got numbers less than, say, one hundred (or you’re trying to go for emphasis, but that’s much, much later), or they’re somewhat simple numbers like one thousand or one million, you don’t need use numbers, just letters. So instead you’d have:
    he fended off ten Basculin, all at once
    Simple enough, eh?

    Common you can do it
    Minor, but “Common” -----> “C’mon”. You’ve had a coupe of typos here, such as my/me and whatnot, but otherwise, it’s all good.

    All in all, solid on grammar. Definitely legible. You might want to have a spellchecker or do a quick proofreading run to catch the little things I’ve pointed out, but otherwise, you’re doing just fine here, as well.

    Description: Again, you’re doing all right here, but you could have some things to look in to here. Your basic descriptions are solid enough that we know what’s going on, but you could fluff up a bit more on description, especially on characters. What does a Magikarp look like? We know it swims, at least, because you mention swimming. Lots of swimming. We also know that they like pondweed, which is apparently sweet (a nice detail). And they want to eat protein to grow up big and strong into killer fish. But what do they look like? Are they red fish? Blue fish? One fish? Two… fish? No, that’s Doctor Seuss. But really. We don’t know what the Magikarp looks like, in theory. Pretend that we’ve never seen a Pokemon before, right? So then what’s a Magikarp? That’s your goal. That’s what you want to describe with your writing. You don’t need to paint your prose purple, you don’t want to have adjectives and adverbs at every turn, but you need to keep things clear. Do it subtly, if you can. Start with small things, like how the Magikarp’s orange scales shone in the summer sunlight as it slid through the cool water, or how some of the Magikarp Bros look like bums. Iunno. That’s the cool part—the description is all up to you.

    For the record, though, you’ve done a good job of describing the thought processes of your Magikarp. I know what it is thinking, what it wants, and whatnot. That’s cool. Describing thought processes is difficult, and you’ve got a decent enough handle on them, especially at this level. Nice work.

    Tl;dr: you’ve got the deeper aspects down, and you’ve described more complex things such as motives, but your surface description could use some embellishment. Still, you’re doing just fine. ^.^

    Length: A little above three thousand, and your minimum is three to five thousand. You’re scraping the lower limits a bit, and it wouldn’t hurt to expand your plot a bit, like I mentioned earlier, but you absolutely don’t have to stretch it out because you feel obligated to. Still doing fine here.

    Reality: Well, for a story with talking fish, you’re doing just fine on reality. It’s okay. One amusing thing that I found, though:
    Asian Family
    Asians are cool and all, but their families don’t need to be capitalized. Also, we eat dogs

    Outcome: I should put a preamble here. Really, I should, but there’s not much to say. Bahaha.

    fundamental likes this.


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