Legend of the Thief - Ready for Grading -
Gone in Sixty Seconds
Chapter 1: How To Sweep A Vixen Off Her Feet
A few warnings: 1.) The paragraphs are short, I kept them this way for a reason. 2.) There are a few curse words so be forewarned; nothing major though.
“Ah, finally some fresh air!” Most probably wouldn’t have noticed nor cared about the change in air quality, undoubtedly due to the jet lag. But for someone like Reyes; the flowery scent of Celadon was a welcome change from the recycled air within an airliner.
If he’d come here for pleasure rather then business the whole seen would have been quite comfortable and suited to him, as it was he was about to here a business proposition that he’d rather not…
He quickly found his motel aptly named ‘The Flower’.
Minutes later he had checked himself in and found his way to the room he had rented.
The whole place was nothing fancy, despite Reyes’ rather comfortable lifestyle he had no problem doing what was necessary when it came to lying low.
Reyes quickly set about packing, though he wasn’t expecting to stay long he’d rather have everything out within easy reach then bundled up in a suitcase.
By the time Reyes had finished his two hundred dollar silver watch read 11:59 AM. According to his client he should be receiving a caller in 1… 2… 3… a shrill ring echoed throughout the small room. Wincing Reye answered.
“Half an hour in the restaurant downstairs, don’t be late.”
A short click later Reyes found himself holding a useless phone; he was use to his clients being jackasses but took an instant dislike to those that unnecessarily disparaged against others.
At precisely 12:29 Reyes was standing outside the door to the restaurant, he wasn’t entirely sure what to expect inside, in his line of business one met all kinds, some more pleasant then others and he expected this encounter would be filled with the latter.
Squashing his remaining thoughts he strolled in, a disadvantage about this whole thing was rarely knowing your clients beforehand, a result in which you could never seek them out on your own… mostly.
Reyes made his way to the bar upfront, behind him the exit sat while the left and right both lead to tables for seating. Taking a stool he patiently waited for the bartender who looked like a pimple faced surfer to take his order.
After a few minutes Reyes decided that the wait was over, leaning over he tapped the guy on the shoulder, “You plan on taking any orders or are you just here for looks?”
Instead of answering the blond haired guy just slipped Reyes a small piece of paper. Reyes glanced at giving it the once over.
Taking a small blue colored lighter from his pocket he burned the scrap. “Thanks, but as a side note ‘get some new shading for this place, and mahogany over bamboo.’”
Reyes left the bar and headed right towards a row of tables, more specifically table twenty. Two men were already seated there. Dark skinned, heavy beards and sideburns, they looked like a couple of professional boxers; a big contrast from Reyes clean-shaven face and lithe body.
Reyes took a seat, “lets make this quick gentlemen.” He motioned.
The boxer on the right was the first to speak, “We didn’t catch your name.”
“I didn’t give it; rule two ‘no names’.” Reyes replied evenly.
“Fair enough” the man answered back.
“Back to business, what’s the target?” Reyes asked.
“You mean targets,” the other corrected, speaking for the first time.
“No I mean target,” Reyes said.
“Well here is the list of everything we want you to acquire and this is the location,” the first said sliding over two scraps of paper.
“Don’t think about walking away from the job, once you have everything you can drop them off and get your money.” With that last declaration they left Reyes to ponder the wisdom of switching careers.
Reyes left for his small hotel to study this ‘job’ hoping that it would be something small that he could have done by tomorrow but judging from the length of the list it wasn’t ******* likely.
Reyes stared blankly ahead, were they out of their freaking minds? At least three of those he had never heard of and almost a fourth were so rare that they were hardly worth the effort need to acquire them.
This was his punishment for his career choice, Reyes was sure of it, after this job was complete he would have to serious consider another line of work. Unfortunately; that still left him with a rather large order to fulfill…
At any rate Reyes quickly decided that it was all in the past, there was work to do. Grabbing a lighter from one of his thousand pockets inside his khaki colored cargo pants, Reyes burned the list of Pokemon, no use in leaving around evidence, especially with the attention he would soon be grabbing.
Reyes made his down to the lobby where a pretty petite blond receptionist was currently managing the desk. Reyes slid up to her, “Hello my dear, I don’t suppose you have a phone book I could borrow for a quick minute?”
She flashed him a brief smile, “Yes of course,” she reached down under the desk and emerged back with a thick lime colored book, “This lists all businesses in Celadon, will that be okay?”
Reyes gave her one of his most charming smiles, “Yes it will indeed, I’ll bring it back in a few minutes; thanks.” Brushing a stray hair back behind her ear, Reyes gathered the book up and walked back towards his room, slightly dismayed with himself. Flirting was not a good idea at this time.
Reyes quickly checked the book out, it was nearly as wide as his palm, was colored an ugly lime, and overall probably held too much information entirely… perfect.
He knew exactly the place to start in his search, a place where millions of Pokemon wound up each year… the pound.
As luck would have it there was one not even three blocks away, with a bit of fortune they would have something on the list that he could obtain right away.
Dialing the number listed, Reyes prayed that they would have something he could pick up today, it would make everything so much easier but then again life wasn’t meant to be easy… Three rings later he was in a conversation about the type of Pokémon kept as well as their condition.
“Oh no, I can assure you that they are kept in great condition, good food, lots of exercise, we try our best to keep them happy until they are picked out buy a family.”
“Well maybe you can help me then, you see I’m trying to get a few particular Pokémon for some gifts and I’m having trouble locating them.”
“I’m sure we can help,” the female voice answered.
“It would be greatly appreciated,” Reyes assured her as he started to read her the list.
He got almost a third through it before he was interrupted by her voice.
“I can tell you know that we have a Vulpix in but it may be taken soon, a man was just in asking about it.”
“If that’s the case I’ll be right down, I can check for other Pokémon I might be interested why I’m there.”
“Okay I’ll see about holding on to the vixen to you get here but I can’t promise you anything.”
Reyes hung up feeling maybe lady lucky was with him for this, she alone knew he would be needing it…
Reyes made good time, walking into the pound a scant five minutes later; unfortunately it looked like it would be awhile before he got service… ahead him stood the clerk engaged with two customers, a mid age business man, and a young lady.
From the looks of things they were carrying a heated discussion.
“You can’t do this! I only went home to get some money; you can’t just turn around and sell it two minutes later!”
“She can and she did!” The lady bit back, her brunette hair swinging like angry whips. “That Vulpix is mine!”
“Vulpix” Reyes though dizzily, now knowing what was going on Reyes knew a stop would have to come soon if he was to get the fiery Pokémon.
“You both can stop arguing before a fist fight breaks out,” Reyes interrupted smoothly, “Besides,” he added, “The Fox is mine.”
The women hissed at Reyes the same time the older man snorted; producing one of the more interesting reactions Reyes had come across.
The older Gentleman laid down a pair of hundred dollar bills and a fifty.
“The Fox is mine,”
He claimed triumph spread across his face.
“Indeed,” the store clerk agreed, handing him some paper to fill out.
With another hiss of anger the women stormed out of the pound. Reyes wasn’t so quick to join her, he may not have got the Vixen but that just meant he wouldn’t have to pay for it…
Reyes lingered outside for about thirty minutes while the man finished up all the necessary paperwork. Finally the man came out, the Vulpix attached to a short leash, quickly and effectively the man lead the fox to a parked car; a small red colored SUV, getting the Vulpix in and seated the man climbed in and promptly took off.
Reyes hailed a taxi and quickly followed. The tailing ended quick as ten minutes later the man pulled into a suburb area, making Reyes want to puke, not that he had anything against the ‘suburb’ but every single house was a carbon copy, eve the lawns and ornaments were the exact same. This Suburb proved no different, with each and every house a two story with four bedrooms, five windows peeked out the front and two from the sides, unfortunately that would make breaking in a little harder unless of course the neighbors weren’t nosy but Reyes knew that was farfetched.
The SUV pulled into the driveway neatly lined with hedges and got out Vulpix in tow.
Hopefully they would be leaving again soon; Reyes wasn’t up to holding surveillance all night.
Luckily time proved he wouldn’t have too, a long humid two hours later the man came back out followed by two little kids and a middle aged woman, undoubtedly his wife and kids.
“I can’t believe we got a pet and get to go to a restaurant!” One of the kids shouted gleefully.
“No kidding,” the other added, excitedly.
“Well you can show your appreciation by being quiet and behaving,” their father told them, lifting them into the car. “Now get in your seats so we can go.”
Five minutes later the family was off. A very thankful Reyes quickly bolted for the back of the house, though they would probably be gone for awhile funny things tended to happen in a robbery…
The backyard was pretty big for a suburb community but Reyes wasn’t complaining the fact that the yard was fenced was all he cared about. He quickly scaled seven foot wood obstruction and climbed to the top. Careful to keep himself balanced Reyes stood up, unfortunately the thinness of the fence wasn’t to be counted out and Reyes quickly lost his balance and nearly toppled off.
Gathering his breath Reyes attempted his climb again, this time he didn’t try to balance, instead just reaching up and quickly grabbing the nearest roof shingle, thankfully it held. Reyes hoisted himself up and laid down hoping nobody had seen his ascent. After a few minutes passed with no yelling of thief Reyes crawled up towards the chimney protruding from the roof. Reyes gave it a brief once over, larger then average, flue open, red coals… how fun would this be? Not worried the least bit Reyes shimmied inside, he had dealt with coals before and had nearly perfected his methods, this would be no different.
Using his feet to brace himself Reyes was careful to touch the walls, painful memories reminded him of how hot they could get, slowly he loosened his strong calve muscles allowing him to skid down a few feet before locking them in place again, doing this Reye managed to get too the mouth of the fireplace, now came the tricky part. Reyes wetted his mouth trying to gain moisture, once he felt he had enough he spit into his hands careful not to lather the wetness in, in one quick movement he leaned back putting his hands on the back of the chimney with his weight and loosened his legs, as he slid down he pushed off sending him flying forward and out of the smoke stack in to the living room in a ball of flesh. Reyes immediately rose, brushing himself off and aware of any possible dangers, none was clearly evident, “Good,” he thought, now came the hard part…
Reyes prayed that the Vulpix was the only Pokémon the family currently owned, his own weren’t exactly fit for fighting inside a house though he supposed Rubix Cube might have been able to pull it off. Silently he crept through the living room? Seeing as how that’s where the fireplace was he was guessing that it was the main room in the house, there were hallways leading to both right and left of him; a quick survey of them showed that the right lead to a set of stairs going up and the left to the dining room/kitchen.
“Upstairs would undoubtedly prove to be the best place to check first,” he thought, quietly he made his way upstairs, the strong mahogany stairs not even giving a creak as to give him away. The upstairs proved to be no different then the downstairs, same spotless white walls, wood trim, and of course four different bedrooms... fortunately a slight scratching sound saved Reyes from having to search all of them, opening up the second door on the right he found himself in the master bedroom, a small door off to the left proved to be a bathroom, with the small fox inside.
“Come here girls,” Reyes coaxed the vixen, hoping that he wouldn’t have to knock it out to get it.
A small growl showed that it wasn’t going to be that easy…
A deep sigh escaped Reyes lips; grabbing a Pokéball from his waist he quietly opened it, releasing one of his strongest Pokémon, Rubix Cube the Porygon 2.
Vulpix’s growl quickly turned into a snarl as the female fox leapt forward fangs bared.
“Double Team Rubix,” Reyes ordered curtly.
Immediately Porygon 2’s body seemed to take on a new look as it slid across the room in a circle leaving carbon copies in its wake.
Vulpix unsheathed its claws; anger evident upon its face, with a small intake of air, it exhaled noisily shooting glowing embers from the mouth, three, four, seven copies were destroyed as Vulpix spewed forth its fury.
“Agility Rubix,” Reyes told his man made counterpart.
Porygon 2’s body began to glow as it raced around the room gaining speed with each revolution completed; slowly to it came to a stop, its body looking more sleek and tense then before.
“Good job my friend,” Reyes praised, “Now show it a Water Pulse!”
A small bubble of water appeared in front of Porygon 2; quickly it grew until it was the size of a small fish bowl, with a small shriek Rubix Cube sent it flying first towards the Fox, it exploded on contact drenching the Vixen and the room.
Unfortunately Vulpix didn’t seem all that affected by it, another snarl rose from its throat as it lunged forward latching its fangs into the lanky neck of Porygon 2.
“Rubix Cube seemed a bit taken aback and possibly a bit confused as it nearly tipped over in its haste to back away.
“Calm down, buddy,” Reyes soothed his Pokémon, “Use your Psychic attack.”
Porygon 2 stopped its brief struggle and focused in for a minute, Reyes could practically feel the energy crackle within the room. And then slowly Vulpix’s mouth opened releasing Porygon 2, with a quick snap Rubix Cube shut it again and psychically locked the Fox’s jaws together. Panic immediately overwhelmed the poor little thing sending it into a berserker fury.
Before Reyes knew the Vixen was tackle everything in sight, a light bulb shattered, and various pictures beginning to fall off the wall, a small dresser slowly tipped over falling down directly on Vulpix sending flying into Porygon 2; they both went down in a heap.
“Ah great,” Reyes muttered, quickly he took an empty pokéball from his coat and threw it at the downed fox while simultaneously recalling Rubix Cube back within his. A grim smile crept over Reyes face as he watched the ball vigorously roll across the floor; he needed to get out quick. A small sound drew Reyes attention from the Pokéball, confused he turned as he heard a window shatter and the lights came on as an alarm that could wake Lilycove sounded…
Pokémon to catch: Vulpix
Re: Legend of the Thief - Ready for Grading -
I'm going to do this grade in somewhat of a backward fashion - just for the sake of you not needing to scroll down the page in case you don't want to read the pile of crap that comes after the first section. :spin:
Outcome: Drilbur, Zorua, and Litwick captured! This was quite a well written story, I found few errors and though it was the sequel to previous chapters I didn't feel as though I was missing out on anything from before.
Now onto the boring stuff!
Though this was a continuation from another story, I didn't find myself lost much. You made it easily understandable that Reyes was not the nicest of guys and was some kind of a thief (the title helping as well, obviously). However, I would've liked the see slightly more description of Reyes, and the other characters as I had not read the other chapters and had no insight onto what any of them looked like, so I had to use my own imagination. Though knowing you, I was pretty close. :tongue:
Now, onto the actually story itself. For a guy who doesn't enjoy reading as much as the next guy, I enjoyed the story. It kept me entertained, if I didn't have such a childish attention span then I would probably have been able to finish it in one sitting. It gave enough to make me keep reading and left out enough for me to be savoring more and more. That's one key to a story of any length - to keep the reader wanting more. Kudos.
This is probably the best story in terms of plot I've read off of URPG, as well.
Not my keenest spot, but you had quite a few times where you forgot to add in a space or had a random slash mark somewhere. While it didn't distract from the story much, it's nice to keep those little sores out. IT MAKES THE STORY LOOK REALLY NICE.
There were some parts where the dialogue got a little confusing as well. I had to read through them a few times, however that may be my lack of understanding the english language, at times.
Other than those two things, I found this fine.
OH BUT YOU FORGOT TO CHANGE LITWICK'S NAME TO ENGLISH. MINUS 1000000 POINTS.
A little short, but the sheer quality of the story made up for any lack of length you have.
Oh, buddy. Did you do some work here. Other than I mentioned above about the characters, that not being a problem though, you did a terrific job at this.
You described just about everything anyone could ever ask for. If I were blind and were hearing this read I would have little trouble seeing what everything looked like, as long as I had the small amount of knowledge to simple things in nature; color, plants, etc. Even better, you didn't go overdose. Sometimes you'll just keep describing things and it'll get in the way of the plot of the story.
Now only did you say how they looked, I could get a sense of the feeling of everything - from the cities to the people. For example, Ecruteak was more of a dreary sounding city, there wasn't much to it, maybe it was a little bit of a slum. However, the city in the trees was majestic and great. This could all be assumed from just how things were worded, maybe not even how they were told to be - the attitude added in this feeling, maybe.
As you can tell, I have little to no problems with any of this shtuff.
You impress here, as well. As many have said "pretend that us graders have no idea what the hell a Pokemon is, then use that to achieve your battle descriptions" - you did this and did it well. The Pokemon were easily identifiable, again with the comparisons. Drilbur being a mole and Litwick being a torch or candle of some sorts. Zorua's description might have been a little bit lack luster, but that's only a slightly hole here.
Attacks were finely described as well, I had no problem picturing the Pokemon charging at each other or flame coming out of them ... or whatever happened in the three battles. Kudos to you.
And that's that - it was hard to give any advice and I both know and can tell you're an experienced writer.
Have fun with your pogeymanz.