A Learning Experience!

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  1. #1
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
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    Default A Learning Experience!

    “Poliwag. I think it is time I teach you another new move. I know it did not go so well last time, but I’m willing to give you another chance!”

    “Poliiii. Poliwag!” Poliwag seemed very excited to be able to learn another move. Even if the last time that his trainer tried to do this he continually used Double-slap on him because his trainer treated him very poorly when Poliwag did not understand how to use Thunderbolt. It was not until his idiot of an owner realized that a Water-type like Poliwag could never learn Thunderbolt that the punishment stopped.

    “Yeah. This time I made sure to triple check that you could actually learn the move since last time did not work out very well,” said Poliwag’s trainer with an ashamed tone of voice. “We are going to be learning Ice Beam today. That sound good, buddy’o’pal?”

    Poliwag just wiggled his round body crazily and flapped his translucent white tail in a circular motion. All of this body movement was meant to tell his trainer that he was ready and willing to learning Ice Beam. But that is not all Poliwag had in mind. He wanted to mess around more with his Double-slap attack and give his trainer some more bruises. In his mind it was revenge for the abuse he had gotten when he was forced to attempt to learn Thunderbolt, which was completely impossible.

    “Let’s me change my clothes and we can go outside and teach you Ice Beam!” Damian, Poliwag’s trainer told his small little tadpole Pokémon.

    Damian removed his plaid pajama pants and his white crew-neck short sleeved t-shirt and put on a black t-shirt with a blue-jean jacket without sleeves over the shirt. He slide on some tight fitting black jeans and slipped on some black sneakers over his sockless shoes and made his venture out of his room and down the stairs of his house. “Mom, I’m going to go train Poliwag!” he yelled through the house hoping his mom would hear in the front of the house.

    “No more Thunderbolting Poliwags I hope!” she said laughing as she sipped her morning coffee.

    Damian frowned and looked like he was going to cry before exiting the house into the front yard where he would attempt to teach his little friend Ice Beam.

    The two joyful friends walked out the stained cherry wood door and walked down the short step before entering into the newly cut summer grass with it’s newly cut grass smell. Poliwag was hesitant to enter the grass. He had had a nightmare one night about the grass turning into vines and devouring him slowly, limb by limb. Ever since that night he has had a hard time trusting the grass to not eat him.

    “Okay, Poliwag, let’s watch the video!” Damian slid the small disc into his Teachy TV device. It was a small screen with a gap at the top to enter any TMs into. The TM disc had a short video explaining to a trainer how you could teach your Pokémon the move that the TM had in it.

    The video began with a short introduction telling Damian and Poliwag that today they would be learning how to get Poliwag to use a devastating and very accurate ice-type move in Ice Beam. “Why don’t these things have a fast forward button? No one cares about the introductions,” he sighed, becoming annoyed already.

    Oh. This is going to be fun. He is already upset, thought Poliwag, already beginning to think of devious ways to frustrate Damian and make him quit again. Teaching a Pokémon a natural move like a technical machine was a difficult task not only for the trainer but for the Pokémon too. Probably far more difficult for the Pokémon in fact.

    The video was over and Poliwag snapped out of his devious day dreams. Damian looked excited now, not annoyed. That did not change Poliwag’s plans at all though. Unless Damian planned on strapping down Poliwag and injecting him with some kind of steroid to learn Ice Beam.

    “The video said that you need to calm your spirit. That your heart can’t be racing when you try to use Ice Beam,” Damian tried to explain to Poliwag, as Poliwag started running around in circles trying to screw with Damian’s mind by doing the opposite of what had been instructed.
    “You’re an idiot. You know that?”

    Poliwag felt hurt. So he spit out a small stream of water at Damian, hitting right in the crotch area.

    “THAT HURT. And now I look like I peed in my pants,” Damian said in pain while he grasped at his crotch area. He looked like he was about to fall over and cry in the fetal position.

    Poliwag just stared at him with cute little puppy eyes, looking all innocent and harmless.

    “Poliwag, we have to do this for serious! I can’t fail again or no one at school will take me seriously!”

    Poliwag just stared at him some more. He did not particularly care if Damian got bullied in school or not. He liked to bully Damian himself.

    “You need to calm yourself. And try to use Ice Beam. Just pretend you are using Water Gun but with a calmer stream of water, making it freeze!”

    Poliwag once again blasted Damian with a Water Gun, this time in the face. Water splashed up Damian’s mouth making him cough and making his voice crackle as he commanded Poliwag to try again. But Damian just ended up getting even more wet.

    “Poliiiii!” Poliwag screamed, pretending that he thought he had done a good job.

    “No. I don’t want to give up so quickly but…” Damian began to walk back inside when all the sudden a giant vine came down from the large tree that sat in the middle of his front yard.

    Poliwag was frightened and quickly ran behind the tree in fear. His dream was coming true. Except this time it would be the tree to devour him, not the grass.

    “Poliwa… help me… I hardly… breath…”

    Poliwag tried to calm himself. He knew that now he would have to use Ice Beam for real. He tried to calm himself and slow his heart rate but he just could not do it. So Damian’s captor was just going to get hit by a weak Water Gun. Poliwag spewed out the water, doing barely anything to the vine than making it jiggle a tiny bit. The owner of the vine came down out of the tree though. A Bellsprout.

    “Poli… try Ice… again.”

    Poliwag, now knowing it was just a feeble Bellsprout could calm down again and try Ice Beam once more. But another stream of water came out again. This time the water flew into Bellsprouts wide circular mouth, making Bellsprout remove his grasp of Damian. “ICE BEAM! DO IT NOW.”

    Poliwag tried to focus even more now. He closed his eyes and hoped Bellsprout would not slash him with his vines or wrap him up and devour him with his giant fly-trap mouth. Poliwag opened his small mouth once again and spewed out water. He looked disappointed as more water continued to flow out. But as it traveled towards Bellsprout it seemed to change, maybe into an Ice Beam attack.

    ---

    Pokemon: Poliwag/simple (5000-10000)
    Char: 6627

    p.s. I am quite aware that my grammar is atrocious ^_^;
    Last edited by The Jr. Trainer; 19th August 2012 at 02:56 AM.

  2. #2
    Creator of Nathan Castle BlazeMaster's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Learning Experience!

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    Hunger Games RPG

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  3. #3
    Creator of Nathan Castle BlazeMaster's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Learning Experience!

    Plot

    Your plot was short but sweet. You didn't do what a lot of people do which is try to do, which is to try to cram in too much plot. Often people put far too much plot into their 5K story and it limits description. You, however, did a small amount of plot that left you room for thought and description. However, you still had the introduction: with Damian persuading Poliwag to try and learn Ice Beam, the problem: Poliwag refusing to learn it, a secondary problem: the Belsprout, and the solution: Poliwag using Ice Beam. You work the plot well and it goes smoothly. There isn't really a problem with your plot. It's a 5K story and you don't need much more than you might put for a Magikarp Capture. Well done.

    Characters

    Your two central characters, Damian and his Poliwag, worked really well together. There was a brilliant interaction with the nooby Damian and his rather more experienced Poliwag. Poliwag's cheeky attitude worked well towards some slapstick elements, overthrowing Damian's poor image of control. Towards the end Poliwag had a loyal side which worked well as we want the main character to be kind. I would have liked to see more of Damian's character, however. We see many elements of Poliwag and it's personality, from the patient, bored Pokémon, to the cheeky rebellious one. One other thing that you did well was using only two main characters. Many stories have seven or eight characters in a small 5K. But by using two you really had space to develop.

    Grammar

    Contrary to what you said, your Grammar was almost impecable. No-one, however, escapes my cross-examination of grammar.

    Poliwag seemed very excited to be able to learn another move. Even if the last time that his trainer tried to do this he continually used Double-slap on him because his trainer treated him very poorly when Poliwag did not understand how to use Thunderbolt.
    This is a difficult sentence to punctuate. Even acts as a conjunction, joining the two sentences. As the sentences are joined you don't need the full stop and even a comma is not necessarily necessary. So you should have put:

    Poliwag seemed very excited to be able to learn another move, even if the last time that his trainer tried to do this he continually used Double-slap on him because his trainer treated him very poorly when Poliwag did not understand how to use Thunderbolt.
    Later, you said:

    Teaching a Pokémon a natural move like a technical machine
    I think that here you mean an unnatural move.

    Those are your only main grammar mistakes, well done.

    Description

    Your description varied in quality. Your work with the central character, Poliwag, was very good. You said things like:

    flopped his translucent white tail
    which work really well, adding to our image or the characters. However we didn't see it much with the other characters description. For instance, we don't know what Damian's face looks like, even though you described his clothes. Also, later on, you just said:

    The owner of the vine came down out of the tree though. A Bellsprout.
    Don't assume that your readers know what a Pokémon looks like. If in doubt, describe it.

    Verdict

    The Story's pretty good! You have done really well in this. The plot's good, your grammar's almost perfect and the Description is alright. Poliwag Captured! I look forward to seeing some more of your work here!
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f425/hunger-games-pok%C3%A9mon-136008/

    Hunger Games RPG

    21 Places Left.

    Officials needed

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