Re: A Learning Experience!
Re: A Learning Experience!
Your plot was short but sweet. You didn't do what a lot of people do which is try to do, which is to try to cram in too much plot. Often people put far too much plot into their 5K story and it limits description. You, however, did a small amount of plot that left you room for thought and description. However, you still had the introduction: with Damian persuading Poliwag to try and learn Ice Beam, the problem: Poliwag refusing to learn it, a secondary problem: the Belsprout, and the solution: Poliwag using Ice Beam. You work the plot well and it goes smoothly. There isn't really a problem with your plot. It's a 5K story and you don't need much more than you might put for a Magikarp Capture. Well done.
Your two central characters, Damian and his Poliwag, worked really well together. There was a brilliant interaction with the nooby Damian and his rather more experienced Poliwag. Poliwag's cheeky attitude worked well towards some slapstick elements, overthrowing Damian's poor image of control. Towards the end Poliwag had a loyal side which worked well as we want the main character to be kind. I would have liked to see more of Damian's character, however. We see many elements of Poliwag and it's personality, from the patient, bored Pokémon, to the cheeky rebellious one. One other thing that you did well was using only two main characters. Many stories have seven or eight characters in a small 5K. But by using two you really had space to develop.
Contrary to what you said, your Grammar was almost impecable. No-one, however, escapes my cross-examination of grammar.
This is a difficult sentence to punctuate. Even acts as a conjunction, joining the two sentences. As the sentences are joined you don't need the full stop and even a comma is not necessarily necessary. So you should have put:
Poliwag seemed very excited to be able to learn another move. Even if the last time that his trainer tried to do this he continually used Double-slap on him because his trainer treated him very poorly when Poliwag did not understand how to use Thunderbolt.
Later, you said:
Poliwag seemed very excited to be able to learn another move, even if the last time that his trainer tried to do this he continually used Double-slap on him because his trainer treated him very poorly when Poliwag did not understand how to use Thunderbolt.
I think that here you mean an unnatural move.
Teaching a Pokémon a natural move like a technical machine
Those are your only main grammar mistakes, well done.
Your description varied in quality. Your work with the central character, Poliwag, was very good. You said things like:
which work really well, adding to our image or the characters. However we didn't see it much with the other characters description. For instance, we don't know what Damian's face looks like, even though you described his clothes. Also, later on, you just said:
flopped his translucent white tail
Don't assume that your readers know what a Pokémon looks like. If in doubt, describe it.
The owner of the vine came down out of the tree though. A Bellsprout.
The Story's pretty good! You have done really well in this. The plot's good, your grammar's almost perfect and the Description is alright. Poliwag Captured! I look forward to seeing some more of your work here!