17th June 2013, 09:29 PM #1
i'm wide awake
The Lazy and the Playful
The area outside of Snowpoint City gave the nearby city its name. Snow covered the ground and trees, and there was so much of it in some places that you'd barely be able to walk. The Pokemon in the area surrounding Snowpoint City were used to the vast amounts of snow that covered the ground, and so were the humans native to the area. Those that weren't used to this kind of enviroment were the ones that had the most trouble in this snow.
In the forest near Snowpoint City, the vast amounts of snow continued to exist, but this was also home to several of the area's Pokemon. Some of them would occasionally go wander outside of the forest, but the ones that did usually wouldn't return because they would be caught by a trainer. Humans rarely ever walked into the forest. With the blinding snow that fell twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week combined with the trees in the forest, a trainer was bound to never get out of there alive.
The forest was home to several Pokemon. Two of them in particular would be a Slakoth and a Snover. Specifically a Slakoth that went by Commander Slakoth and a Snover that went by Sweetcake. There was one particular tree that Commander Slakoth slept in. It was the tallest tree in the forest, but he always slept on the lowest branch. It wasn't that Commander Slakoth was afraid of heights. No, heights were the last thing that he'd be afraid of. If he fell from the highest branch in the tree, he would hit so many branches on his way down, and he'd probably die in the forest because of the lack of trainers that came through and got out alive. If he fell from the lowest branch, there would be no branches for him to hit on his way down. He'd just land in soft, cool snow, and then the Slakoth probably wouldn't get back up until his limbs were numb from the cold. Slakoth were lazy Pokemon, and Commander Slakoth was no exception.
Sweetcake the Snover, however, was one of the more playful of her species. Snover in this forest were typically either serious or playful, but Sweetcake thought that being serious all the time was boring. Being playful was way more fun to her. Her playful attitude wasn't the only thing that set her apart from all of the other Snover though. All of the Snover in the forest had green hands and tails, specifically a shade of green that matched the trees in the forest. Sweetcake's hands and tail were a deep blue. Her odd coloration sort of creeped the other, normal colored Snover out, so they typically avoided her whenever possible. She was left out of normal Snover activities, such as snowball fights and foraging for food, so she was forced to fend for herself in this harsh enviroment. Not even the Starly in the trees would talk to her.
Today, all of that would change.
Sweetcake was strolling through the forest as she always did, scavenging for food on her own as usual. She had overheard some of her fellow Snover talking about how there were some really good berries in the tallest tree in the forest, but all of them were too afraid to climb up to get them. That was where Sweetcake was different from her fellow Snover. She wasn't afraid to climb that tree and get those berries, and when she did get them, she wouldn't share either. The other Snover had been so mean to her, so why should she share her treats with them? If they wanted some, they'd have to get their own.
As she climbed the tree with very little difficulty (this wasn't the first time Sweetcake had climbed trees, not to mention she was kind of like a tree), she came across Commander Slakoth. The cream colored sloth with two brown stripes on his back was resting as usual, his eyes closed. Sweetcake reached the lowest branch, and she carefully climbed onto it. She could see the sloth resting peacefully in the middle of the branch, his limp body hanging from the branch. It always amazed her, how the Slakoth never really fell from their branches when hanging like that. Sweetcake wished she could do that. Today wouldn't be her day to try it though. Today, she was getting some of those berries that were at the opposite end of the branch she was on.
Carefully, she took small steps across the branch. Each step brought her closer to not just the berries but Commander Slakoth as well. Sweetcake would have to be extra careful to not wake him in her quest for berries. She wasn't sure how he would react when he found out she was in his territory. All of the other Pokemon in the forest hated her, and Commander Slakoth was probably the same way. She finally reached the Slakoth and carefully sat down on the branch. The Snover needed a moment to think about how to get past this sleeping Slakoth without disturbing him. Sweetcake had climbed trees before in the forest, but there had never been a Pokemon blocking her path before. This was a situation she'd never come across before. With a shrug, Sweetcake carefully brought herself back to her feet. She'd just walk on top of him. Surely it would be just like walking on a regular old tree branch, except this tree branch was going to be a little furry.
It was something Sweetcake would never get to test.
The Snover never managed to gain her footing after standing back up, stumbling until she finally slipped off of the tree. A blue hand reached up to try and grab the branch, but a cream colored leg was grabbed instead. Sweetcake and Commander Slakoth fell from the tree and onto the snowy ground. The best part about this tree was that the snow was deep under it, and as a result, the fall wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been.
"Slakoth..." the sloth groaned as he slowly came to his senses. He had woken up during the descent, but he hadn't fully come to his senses until after the landing. Sweetcake was already up and bouncing around. It had been some time since she had last fallen from a tree, but she had grown used to it when she was first learning to climb trees. Not to mention the snow made the landing easier on her tree-like body.
"Hey, hey!" she exclaimed, poking at the Slakoth. "Are you okay? I didn't hurt you, did I? I didn't mean to grab you when I fell from the tree! I was aiming for the tree branch, but I guess I missed."
She laughed nervously when she finished speaking. Her fellow Snover and the Starly in the forest hated her, but she had no idea how the Slakoth in the forest felt. They probably hated her too, and if they didn't, they probably would now because Commander Slakoth would go and tell all of them what she had done.
"Um, Mister Slakoth, sir?" Sweetcake asked, poking the Slakoth again. Silence hung in the air before Sweetcake started freaking out, jumping up and down and running in circles. "Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no! I killed Mister Slakoth! Oh, no! Now all of the Pokemon in the forest are going to hate me! This is terrible! Oh, no! Oh!"
A crack was heard as Sweetcake fell over. Slakoth was sitting up now, a frown on his sleepy face. Sweetcake jumped up again, though she backed away a bit from Slakoth. The slap he had just given her was a bit painful, much more so than the fall they had just experienced.
"I'm fine," the Slakoth said dismissively. "Now leave me alone."
Before Sweetcake the Snover could even respond, Commander Slakoth's black eyes were closed, and he was snoring. Sweetcake sighed before walking away with a frown, tears forming in her blue eyes. First the Snover hated her, then the Starly hated her, and now the Slakoth would hate her once word got out. She hated this forest, and she wanted to get out once and for all.
Nevertheless, despite Commander Slakoth's harsh attitude towards Sweetcake, she continued to visit him each and every day. A part of her felt terrible for bringing him down to the ground with her when she fell from that tree. All he was doing was resting him; she was disturbing him, and she felt terrible about it. As far as she was aware, none of the other Slakoth hated her... not yet, anywyas. They probably would by the end of the month, maybe sooner.
Each and every day, Sweetcake would poke at the sleeping Slakoth, who had made his way back up the tree and to his branch by the third day the Snover had visited him. Each and every day, Commander Slakoth would send her away. Her requests to play were quickly dismissed by a simple wave of the hand. During the first two days he wasn't back on his branch, Sweetcake had taken advantage of the opportunity to get some of the berries from the branch she had fallen from. There was a nice store of those berries in her little home.
"Okay, okay, what do you want?" the sloth asked on the third week of being pestered by Sweetcake the Snover.
"Someone to play with! All of the other Snover don't like me because I'm different! They're green, and I'm blue, so that makes me different," Sweetcake explained.
"Fine. I'll make a deal with you, kiddo," Commander Slakoth said with a sigh. Sweetcake happily took a seat on the branch, though she was careful about it. She didn't want to lose her balance and bring herself and Slakoth down with her; the sloth was about to make a deal with her, and she didn't want to ruin it. "If you bring me some Oran Berries every day, then I'll play with you for an hour. Deal?"
"Deal!" Sweetcake happily replied! Oran Berries would be so easy for her to find. There were a bunch in the tree she normally slept in, and the Snover usually kept a bunch of them in the tree she slept in.
The next day, Sweetcake was carrying a basket handwoven from leaves full of blue berries. These Oran Berries were bound to make Commander Slakoth happy, and Sweetcake was excited to finally have a playmate after going so long without one. She could see the sloth now as he sat at the base of his tree.
"Here's your Oran Berries, Mister Slakoth, sir!" Sweetcake said excitedly as she handed the basket over to the cream colored sloth. He took them from her and ate a couple before setting the basket aside.
"Okay, let's play then," Slakoth said, crawling over to the blue and white tree-like Pokemon. And they played. On the first day, they played tag. The second was hide and seek. The third was a snowball fight. By day four, they were coming up with new games to play. Within a few weeks, though, Commander Slakoth's demands increased. More Oran Berries, some Pecha Berries, add some Cheri Berries, how about some Lum Berries... Nanab Berries were the latest addition to his requests. Sweetcake wondered what he did with all of those berries, but she never actually questioned it in fear of offending him.
"Tag!" Sweetcake said, tapping the Slakoth as he hid behind his tree. "You're it!"
"I've had enough for today, kiddo," Commander Slakoth said as he forced himself into a sitting position. "How about we play some hide and seek tomorrow after I have my berries?"
"Okay!" Sweetcake replied. "Oran, Pecha, Cheri, Lum, and Nanab Berries, right?"
"Let's add Hondew Berries to that list too," Commander Slakoth said with a sly grin on his face. Sweetcake nodded, ignoring the sly grin on her friend's face. She was more focused on where she was going to find Hondew Berries.
Over the past few days, the oddly colored Snover had been having more and more difficulty finding the berries Commander Slakoth was requesting. Oran Berries were easy for her to find; she had so many of those it wasn't even funny. The little round, blue berries were delicious, and Sweetcake loved them. It only made sense that she would know where the were. The peach colored Pecha Berries weren't too hard for Sweetcake to find. She wasn't very fond of them herself, but she knew where to find them because her fellow Snover enjoyed them greatly. (It was something else that set her apart from them, and it was another reason for them not to like them.) She had seen Cheri Berries before during the few times trainers would come into the forest and never leave again. Most of the time, the Pokemon in the forest would take them from the deceased trainers before the Murkrow and Honchkrow that would occasionally fly through the forest picked at the decaying body. Usually, they would go into the depths of the forest to find the cherry like berries with the twisted green stem. The green Lum Berries and the banana-like Nanab Berries were grown in the same place, so the Snover had very little trouble finding those.
Hondew Berries, on the other hand, were a completely different story. She had never seen or heard of them before. Maybe they didn't even exist and the Slakoth was just pulling her leg. Still, Sweetcake could at least try to find it. If she couldn't find these Hondew Berries, surely Commander Slakoth would understand.
"Here are your berries, Mister Slakoth, sir!" Sweetcake said happily, handing the basket over to her friend. "The Hondew Berries are on the top!"
Commander Slakoth took the basket from the oddly colored Snover and set it down in front of him. He picked up one of the green pear-like berries on top of the pile and examined it. After sniffing it, he threw it at Sweetcake with much more force than necessary, causing the tree-like Pokemon to yelp.
"Ouch!" Sweetcake exclaimed, picking the berry up and holding it. "What was that for?"
She never got an answer. Instead, Slakoth flipped the berry basket over and swiftly moved to Sweetcake. As the blue, green, red, and peach colored berries tumbled out of the makeshift leaf basket and onto the snowy ground, Commander Slakoth was continually beating at the defenseless Snover. With each blow, Sweetcake would cry out the name of her species in pain, hoping that someone, anyone would come help her. No one would come though, and she knew that; the Pokemon in this forest hated her, Slakoth included. It wasn't fair. All she wanted was a friend, and she couldn't even have that.
"I didn't ask for a Wepear Berry!" Commander Slakoth roared once he was done beating the Snover. The once happy Snover was now a beaten mess; she was upset, hurt, betrayed. Her eyes were filling with tears as she slowly brought herself back to her feet. Her first and only friend had betrayed her, and she wasn't just physically hurt, but emotionally. "I asked for a Hondew Berry! Get out of my sight before I finish you off and let the Murkrow and Honchkrow have you for dinner!"
Sweetcake didn't hesitate. She moved away from the scene as fast as her little injured body would take her. The Snover, Slakoth, and Starly in the forest had come to watch her get beaten up, which was of no surprise to her since they hated her, but she ignored them as she weakly walked by them.
It took her a couple weeks because her body had to recover naturally from the injuries Commander Slakoth had given her, but Sweetcake couldn't bear to break away from her former friend without giving a formal apology. Over the past two weeks, she had gathered several Oran, Pecha, Cheri, Lum, Nanab, and Hondew Berries. Sweetcake managed to find the green berries with yellow spots on them thanks to a trainer that unfortunately passed away in the forest. The Murkrow and Honchkrow that lived on the outskirts of the forest led her to the location of Commander Slakoth's much desired Hondew Berries. Like Sweetcake, the Murkrow and Honchkrow were outcasts in this forest as well, so they were happy to help her.
"Mister Slakoth, sir?" Sweetcake called as she stepped into the clearing that was home to Commander Slakoth's tree. A little gasp escaped her as she dropped the basket of berries she was carrying. A man with greying hair holding a red and white capsule was standing before the cream colored sloth. Her old friend seemed pretty apathetic about what was going on, but Sweetcake was shocked. She ran towards him and stood in front of him, blocking the old man's path to the Slakoth. "No! No, no!"
"I told you to leave me alone," Commander Slakoth said. The old man raised an eyebrow as he took a step back away from the chatting Pokemon.
"I wanted to apologize! I had no idea what a Hondew Berry was, so I did my best! I'm so sorry!" Sweetcake exclaimed, hugging the Slakoth. She pointed to the berries that had tumbled out of the bag. "There's some over there! I'd love to give you some, but I think we're about to be separated. I'm glad I got to apologize first."
She didn't get to hear Commander Slakoth's response because as soon as she finished speaking, the old man threw a Poke Ball at him. Three shakes and a click later, Commander Slakoth was trapped in that Poke Ball until the old man released him. Tears filled Sweetcake's eyes as she watched the old man pick up her old friend's Poke Ball. She looked up at the old man and pointed at a Poke Ball on his belt, and then she pointed at the Hondew Berries that had just tumbled out of the basket. With a sigh, the old man dropped a red and white capsule on Sweetcake's head. When the click sounded, he picked her Poke Bal up, and as he made his way out of the forest, he grabbed the berries that had tumbled out of Sweetcake's makeshift basket.
Pokemon: Snover (Medium, 10-20k) & Slakoth (Simple, 5-10k)
Character Count: 16995
Author's Note: First story deal ever! This is for Towelie, haha~ You'll probably see several other story deals from me over the next several weeks, at least until the next writing competition or until my 'mons are more appropriately TM'd, whichever happens first. Enjoy!
18th June 2013, 03:53 AM #2
Dauntless Fried Chicken
Re: The Lazy and the Playful
Claiming! Might I do this on a Saturday xD
21st June 2013, 11:58 PM #3
Dauntless Fried Chicken
Re: The Lazy and the Playful
The usual work of intros are to welcome the readers into the short world of a story. From yours, it did a great job. I can see that the place would be setting off in a forest in Snowpoint City, how things and creatures work out in harmony (most, but not all, creatures anyways xD) and how perilous is to visit this one forest. I can see the whole place in just by reading the intro. Even the characters are given a great "hi's and hello's". Good job!
This one is an unmutual relationship of a Slakoth and a Snover. The story showed how Sweetcake lived with a harsh life because of her color alterations, while CommSlak (lemme call him that way for now) is definitely cool and intimidating without exerting much effort physically. I'd say this tandem is quite cute, with a light feel in my reading mood and such.
Now, I'd like to comment on how it is fatal to be in the forest. The mortalities of the people were like props and were used to "bitter up" the story, which might be too much "diabetic" in terms of sweetness of the story itself. But I think that this method is quite dark. Like, why kill all the people just to normalize this one story? Also, it was quite illogical. If people knew that it would cost them their life just to visit this place with no attractions of some sort, why would they bother to? This one is just a little patch in a story, but illogical things may weird out the readers. To help you with these, think of it like this:
What is so good that they should do it? Is there a special like something in the end? Would it be risky? Would it worth it?
And for other stories of some sort:
What would they accomplish? Is there an obstacle? Would things work out if done correctly? WOuld it benefit someday? Is the obstacle able to passed?
This one is just my shot to help you to make things logical, whether small or big part of it.
Also, I find the characters perfectly made and roled. Sweetcake is friendly, knows how to take things responsibly, and is quite persistent, while CommSlak can be friendly when followed his own conditions. I'd say these personalities are perfect and I can't quite add more to improve, since they're already good.
Your detail are scattered vividly everywhere in the story, especially when it comes to a character's detail. While most writers are used to keeping a character's detail in one paragraph, it isn't a bad thing to make them scatter around all over the story. But the main problem in this technique is that if your detail isn't striking enough to a reader's memory, they won't notice the descriptions and probably they'll make the description by their own imaginations. Yours is very striking and vivid and remakable, that's why I can see where are the detail at.
As a reminder, if you were to scatter your detail, just use words that are not too generic but still normal people could know what each word mean so that they could see the worded pictures that you wanted them to see.
The climax revealed more of Sweetcake as one who won't give up, even if things turn impossible for her. Great climaxes are the ones who deal a lot of emotions and character development. I'd say the "Hondew Berry" part was great, but when the old man part was reached, things got too fast. To simplify things up, it was like: Sweetcake sees the scene, Sweetcake tries to save CommSlak, CommSlak refuses, both get caught, end of story. Even the old man seemed "deux ex machina" (literary device in which a conflict-maker/solver isn't related to the story up to that point.) These aren't good parts of any story because it usually speeds up a story. Then, I feel like the story was abruptly ended. For my suggestion to prevent these abrupt stops, try to elaborate more on what would happen after the conflict. What would happen to the main character after the conflict?
Hopefully, my suggestion could prevent those abrupt stops and try to lessen using unrelated-from-the-start characters being the spark of the conflict.
Highly passably perfect! I can't see much any problems on grammar and such, just around two typos that I saw, but I won't elaborate much on them. If you are just simply a perfectionist, sometimes MS Word helps in them, and manual checking works too.
Snover: Main character of the story. Perfect.
Slakoth: Another main character and at the same time, the main antagonist (moving aside the old man). Also perfect.
I don't have a word processor right now, so I'll base in on your 16,995 characters. Fits right through the requirements of Medium-Simple mons.
The story has a nice touch, but the climax was quite not that great. But things passed right and yeah. Go trade with Towelie xD