The Laziest Story Ever Written
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  1. #1

    Default The Laziest Story Ever Written



    The Laziest Story Ever Written

    Once upon a time, there was a boy walking into Petalburg Woods. His name was Justin, and he was a trainer traveling to Hoenn for the first time. After the boat docked in nearby Littleroot Town, he trekked his way up to Petalburg City, where he met Norman, the leader of the gym. After looking all of the one Pokémon Justin had, a Ditto, Norman laughed him straight out of the gym, telling him to return when he obtained 4 gym badges of the Hoenn region.

    Justin, after being in shame for approximately twenty minutes at the Pokémon Center, vowed he would follow through and beat Norman. After grabbing some Pokeballs from the Mart, he began going left out of the city towards Rustboro City, his first target. But after he realized Petalburg was on the coast, he would have to go up through some deep woody terrain before getting there.

    He walked into the forest path, and it seemed relatively quiet and calming. It reminded him a great deal of a forest he had played in back home in Johto. But, as far as pokemon were concerned, they differed greatly. He had seen lots of Pokémon in his day, but all these new pokemon intrigued him greatly. They intrigued him so much, in fact, that he abandoned the well worn path to investigate them.

    After a while of investigation, he got quite lost, so he started running around trying to re-find the trail he walked off of. At this point, he slammed into an oncoming tree. And just as any person with decent common sense would tell you, running into trees isn’t good for your health. After that, everything got really dark.

    When Justin came to, he saw something he’d never think he would see. Hung from the trees were serveral...animal skins? Justin stood up to obsereve, but the minute he did the skins began moving. Completely confused, he went up to one the skins for a closer look.

    These skins were finely cut, they looked almost alive. The fur was white with two rectangular brown spots on the 'back’. The claws on the ends were fully intact, two of them on each ‘arm’. Justin then pulled out his Pokedex to figure out what species these pelts came from. They were Slakoth, the Slacker Pokémon, and apparently they could and would sleep for over twenty hours a day. This realization hit Justin like a ton of bricks; he needed to try something before leaving.

    He picked a twig up off of the ground and poked the Slak-pelt with it. At first, nothing happened, his former assumptions considered correct. But just as he was turning away, the pelt started lifting upwards, revealing that all of these Slakoth had been sleeping on their bellies, creating this pelt effect. Slakoth stared at Justin for an extended period of time, as if looking into his soul. It then slowly climbed up the tree to a branch with small patch of leaves at the end. However, just as Slakoth reached the end, the twig snapped! Justin leaped into action, going beneath the tree and caught the falling sloth. After the horrific incident of terror, Slakoth put it’s noodle like arms around his neck, either as a sign of appreciation or a sign of it’s relentless laziness.

    Justin then took Slakoth of his neck, grabbed it by the waist, then hoisted it back onto the tree it originally had itself on. He then went into his backpack and pulled out an apple. He handed the apple to Slakoth and began walking away.
    “Live long and evolve, Slakoth! Goodbye,” Justin stated.

    Justin continued his trek through the dense woods, remembering that he needed to relocate the trail. He wandered for a while, a little dazed and confused, he was just hoping he could get to Rustboro soon. Howver, that may have to wait, as the trees started to rustle...

    From out of the trees above a large shadow fell to the ground. The shadow started to gain form as it rose: two arms, legs, a ...pig like head? Justin didn’t know what this thing was, but he had the inkling to pull out his Pokedex first thing this time. The Pokedex displayed the image, giving the silhouette color and form. The shadow was revealed to be Slaking, the Lazy Pokemon and the evolved form of Slakoth. And that Slaking did not look happy in the slightest.

    This particular Lazy Pokemon wasn’t exactly relaxed; he was up in a rage about something. And he apparently wanted to take out all this fury out on Justin. He was in an absolute panic; he had heard that Slaking were outrageously powerful Pokémon, and you shouldn’t really be messing with an angry one. Justin threw his only Pokeball out: his Ditto, Dave. The ball opened, releasing the blue blob from it in a glittery shine. He hoped that with Transform, they could at least be evenly matched.

    “Dave, Trans-”

    His words were cut short as Slaking rushed at insane speeds towards Dave with a glowing arm. The attack was Hammer Arm, and Dave went flying back. So far back, in fact, Dave collided with Justin at intense speed and they both went flying back into a tree. The force was too much for Dave to handle, and he was knocked unconscious. Justin was bordering the same as Slaking approached to seal the deal. It raised both arms, both glowing white, poised to strike, Justin closed his eyes and--

    Nothing happened. A loud thud was heard across the forest, and Justin wasn’t really sure what just went on. He opened one eye, only to see Slakoth, knocked down and glowing a bright red, looking like he took a large blow from Slaking. He also looked over at Slaking; somehow, Slaking was knocked unconscious. In panic, Justin ran over to the bruised sloth.

    “You saved me, Slakoth! How can I ever repay you?”

    During all of this, Slakoth was slowly reaching for an empty Pokeball on his belt. Justin heard the *click* sound of the ball opening.

    FIN
    Last edited by Crossover; 24th October 2012 at 09:51 AM.

  2. #2
    magister mencium VeloJello's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Laziest Story Ever Written

    Claiming this, home slice.
    Among my frivolous thoughts,
    I believe there are beautiful things seen by the astronauts.
    The indications reveal
    That few of us realize life is quite surreal.

    URPG Stats.

  3. #3
    magister mencium VeloJello's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Laziest Story Ever Written

    Here it is, before Thursday as I promised. I'm so freaking verbose.

    Introduction
    Ah - the infamous 'once upon a time'. This is an iffy choice of opening words. Usually these four words are placed only at the beginning of stories that are very silly and whimsical, or told in the fairy-tale style. I won't say yea or nay to it, mostly because I'm decidedly neutral to it as an opener, but bear in mind that a lot of people think it's cliched.

    Now, as for the rest of your introduction. You accomplished the four Grand High W-s of writing - the what, the where, the who, and the why. For the what - that is, what the main character is doing - you explained Justin's journey into Hoenn. You told us where he was - again, Hoenn; more precisely, in Petalburg Woods. You showed us who was going - Justin, your somewhat wayward and absentminded protagonist, who wants to battle some Gyms and eventually wants to revenge himself on Norman. Why? Because Norman laughed at him, and no-one likes to be laughed at! There were a couple of things that you could have added to your description for improvement: a brief description of our hero, Justin; and a brief explanation of why he is coming to Hoenn. These aren't extra-crucial to a story, but they are important, as they help the reader to get to know the character who will be leading them through the rest of the story.

    Plot/Storyline
    A boy walks into the woods and he finds a Pokemon. He - oh, no, wait; he doesn't immediately catch it! Things like that are way, way, way too common in the Easiest and Simple ranks, but you seem to know that already. Good job.

    Anyway, you had a fairly strong plot. Boy enters woods, saves a Slakoth from certain death at the hands of gravity, and is promptly repaid by said Slakoth when it saves him from a rampaging brute. Slakoth then reaches out for a Pokeball, pretty clearly stating that it wants to go places with this cool cat. It wasn't anything special, but it was a solid plot. It was believable, for the most part; the only thing that made me skeptical was the scene where Slakoth knocked out Slaking, but I'll cover that in the description part because unless I'm misreading, description was more of an issue than plausibility. Anyway, your plot was good. I liked how you had a character who had some sort of a backstory, which is good, as a lot of Simple story characters don't seem to. I felt the story moved along with few hitches, and most of these were really only because of grammar or lack of details.

    Grammar
    Your grammar was fairly good throughout - however, I did notice a few errors. Firstly, there was a little snarl with your verb tenses in one place - which I do believe that I've noticed from you before. This was the sentence:
    Justin leaped into action, going beneath the tree and caught the falling sloth.
    The sentence starts as past tense, then switches to present and back without any separation. There are two ways to improve this sentence:
    Justin leaped into action, going beneath the tree and catching the falling sloth.
    or...
    Justin leaped into action, going beneath the tree, and caught the falling sloth.
    The first example works because, after the comma and subsequent switch, the verb tense stays consistent through the rest of the sentence. The second example works because there's another comma when you go to switch verb tenses again, which changes the present-tense part of the verb into a clause. Basically, if you're going to switch verb tenses in the middle of a sentence, you need to put a comma before the switch, to show that the tenses are separate and distinct so as not to confuse the reader. This is one that you really need to watch out for, since I haven't met a Word program yet that actually catches it, and it's a fairly confusing error when it crops up.

    Now, we will talk of the itses and the it'ses. I noticed that in this here sentence...
    Slakoth put it’s noodle like arms around his neck, either as a sign of appreciation or a sign of it’s relentless laziness.
    ... you used "it's", when you should have used "its". Why is this important, you ask? Because, "it's" is actually not a possessive word, which confuses a lot of people nowadays. "It's" is a contraction of "it is", like "should've" or "don't". "Its", however, is the possessive form of "it". Use them like this:
    The beast lurched down the hall, its green body dripping with slime. "Eek!" I screamed. "It's a monster!"
    Geddit? This one is a lot easier to correct, because Word notices it even if you don't. Just be sure to proofread, always proofread, and remember that "its" is possessive and "it's" has that handy little apostrophe like all other contractions.

    Description
    Your description had highs and lows. For instance, I loved the creative way you described the Slakoths, what with their tree-hanging habits and their pelt-like appearance. However, there were several places where you really could have used more description. For instance, when Justin entered the woods, you talked about the bizarre and beautiful Pokemon that one can find in Hoenn - but you didn't describe them. Details like that aren't make-or-break, but it's very nice to have a few examples. The reader wants to know what these bizarre, foreign Pokemon look like! They want examples. They want to 'see' what Justin is seeing as much as they possibly can.

    And then, there was Slaking. You could have spared a bit more description for it: what color was it? Did it have fur or feathers? Was it big? Small? Did it have claws, paws, hands? Once again, details like these help to put the reader in the story. When you add that Slaking looks huge and menacing, you show the reader exactly why Justin is afraid. When you add that its limbs are as thick as tree trunks and its fangs are sharp as knives, you really add to the terror factor. As the writer telling the story, part of your duty is to help the reader imagine the story as much as possible. Describing things in detail is the best way to do this.

    But the real issue with Slaking was the fight scene. I'm not going to add a 'battle' section, seeing as the battle in this story was all of a few sentences. But I am going to emphasize that in the future, when you're writing about much grander conflicts, you need to describe how one Pokemon beats the other. When you said that Slakoth was glowing red after Slaking's attack, I assumed that it had used Counter and I hope that's correct because that's like the only way for Slakoth to beat Slaking. You could have used a lot more description in this fight, showing us just how tough this little sloth is. I personally would have loved to 'see' Slaking's Hammer Arm slam Slakoth, only to have the little underdog get back up and whoop Slaking's enormous behind from here to Mauville. Even if you had simply said something to the effect of "it looked like Slakoth had used Counter", it would have added a lot of clarity and given a logical explanation for tiny Slaking to have beaten gigantic, ugly Slaking.

    Length
    Your story was just a few hundred characters over the limit - in the grand scheme of things, not a lot. I'm not one to judge too harshly based on length, but you may want to work on this in the future by adding more description of various things.

    Conclusion
    I thought long and hard about this. Your story seemed a bit close to the line to me, but Slakoth is a Simple 'mon. After weighing your pros - a cute plot, an interesting and inventive description of the sleeping sloths, the use of Ditto who is clearly the best Pokemon that ever lived, and a character that actually seems to have a backstory on him - against your cons - scattered grammar errors and a lack of description in a couple of places - I came to my conclusion.

    Enjoy your new sloth - but pay attention to the advice above and always remember to proofread. You've got a good thing going, and I want to see you succeed and improve your writing for the future. I look forward to seeing more stories from you. :}

    Also, on a completely irrelevant note, happy Halloween.
    Among my frivolous thoughts,
    I believe there are beautiful things seen by the astronauts.
    The indications reveal
    That few of us realize life is quite surreal.

    URPG Stats.

  4. #4

    Default Re: The Laziest Story Ever Written

    Slakoth GET!

    The whole 'lack of description' thing was something I got from the two people I asked to critique it. I just didn't really know how to go about it without sounding like a complete blockhead. But yeah, COOL. And I thought I may have escaped without using 'it's' wrong, but alas. ;-;

    Also, verbose Jello is very verbose.

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