Re: last of a dying venipede
Re: last of a dying venipede
Introduction: This was a bit confusing, to be quite honest. You quickly moved into the main plot and never really cared to explain what Nicole was doing in the kitchen before she found the bug, or even how she noticed the bug. It would have also been interesting to describe when Nicole lost her mother to bug attacks. How was she killed? What bug was it? Make sure to elaborate on your introductions to make way for the plot. A confused reader is an unhappy reader.
And by the way:
Really? That’s really obvious. Don’t do things like this. (Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday. Today it is Friday, Friday. ;3)
She was in her kitchen that contained most things you would find in any other apartment; a refrigerator, stove and a microwave.
Plot: Nicole is terrified by a swarm of Venipedes and calls an exterminator. He quickly solves the problem while hopelessly flirting with Nicole.
This is a very simple, short plot that would have been more interesting with some kind of twist. I understand that the story is short and isn’t supposed to be a complex, suspenseful story, but you could have included something that keeps the reader interested. The story was lacking that.
Also, everything just happened all of a sudden. The story was very fast-paced, and not a good kind of it. You shouldn’t just flip from one thing to another. Make everything flow together. After Nicole called, you automatically went to when the exterminator arrived. That time period could have been the time where Nicole attempted to get off the chair, but be bitten by a Venipede. It could’ve been the time where Nicole nearly panicked from fright. Try not to do to switch from scene to scene so abruptly.
Grammar/Spelling: There weren’t many ongoing mistakes here. I noticed that you had quite a lot of typos. Make sure to use a spell check and grammar check, because if it gets too serious, a story could be very hard to understand. I noticed that you had a problem with your commas.
For example, the comma after purple doesn’t need to be there. You don’t need to put a comma after the last adjective if there are two or more describing a noun, unless you add a conjunction after the first comma. You could also move around the sentence.
Venipede took the pain, but then retaliated with a Toxic; a medium-sized, purple, ball of poisonous liquid…
Venipede took the pain, but then retaliated with a Toxic; a medium-sized, purple ball of poisonous liquid…
Venipede took the pain, but then retaliated with a Toxic; a medium-sized, and purple, ball of poisonous liquid…
Either would be correct.
Venipede took the pain, but then retaliated with a Toxic; a purple, medium-sized ball of poisonous liquid…
Detail/Description: You managed to describe most of the things in the story, but you don’t seem to do it in a way that flows. Sometimes it seemed like you were trying to shove the descriptions down our throats. When you describe things, try to make it all flow. Don’t just put details in to put them in. Describe things as the story is going along. Otherwise, you managed to describe things pretty well. You could use different words in your descriptions though. Try not to use common words a lot, as it can be boring. Overall, it was pretty good.
Length: This was about 6000 characters, a little over the minimum. Elaboration, a better plot, and better descriptions could have lengthened the story a little bit.
Battle: The battle was very short, and that’s not good. The battle should be a good amount of your story, especially if it’s a shorter one. There weren’t many moves done, so you could have lengthened it a bit. I like that you let Charmander take a hit instead of Venipede being easily defeated. I understand that Charmander has an advantage to Venipede, but you could’ve made it a bit longer. Everything seemed very rushed, as if you just wanted to get the battle over with. The battle is a very important part of the story, and a bad one could ruin everything. It was alright, though. Keep this in mind for the future.
Outcome: So, the story wasn’t bad, but there were a few things you could have improved. I hope that you take everything into consideration for your future stories. The story was good enough for the capture, so it’s yours. Venipede was captured!