Kricketot's Close Call
Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Kricketot's Close Call

  1. #1

    Default Kricketot's Close Call


    Kricketot's Close Call


    Once upon a time a pokemon trainer called Jimmy lived in Sinnoh. He was very tall for his age (13) and had blue eyes and Blonde hair. His dream was being a pokemon master and catching every pokemon there ever was to catch. He now had lots of pokemon 22 to be exact but could only keep 6 in his party. Flareon was his favorite and first choice for battle then Charizard then Arcanine then Leafeon, Jolteon and Pidgeot.

    Now he was in Eterna Forest and ready to a catch a pokemon. Kricketot was his goal but so far he has had no luck until... CRASH! Jimmy saw 2 pokemon fighting a Kricketot and a Buneary both putting a great effort. The crash came from Buneary falling into a tree from Kricketot's Bug Bite which had made Buneary be knocked into the tree. Buneary seemed okay and continued battling with the Kricketot until Kricketot got hurt, not only did it get hurt it slammed into 3 trees before falling down helplessly.

    It just lay there for a minute before Jimmy got to it. Jimmy rushed to it and rushed to a pokecenter as quick as possible but it seemed to be to late. Nurse Joy said the same thing and Jimmy felt terrible he felt this was all his fault and hr should of done something about it before it happened but inside he knew there would be nothing he could do but wait.


    And wait he did in the room Kricketot was getting treated but even he knew that with the growing amount of time death became more likely. It was a horrible thought for Jimmy.

    That night he had a dream that Kricketot was okay and recovered fully and then he was battling Kricketot then... DRRRRRRRRRR DRRRRRRRRRRR he was woken up by the sound of his phone. Kricketot was still struggling it had all been a dream. Jimmy went back to sleep.

    Once Jimmy woke up he discovered that Kricketot was better, able to move slightly but in pain. Jimmy made sure he wasn't dreaming by pinching his arm, it hurt he wasn't!.

    Nurse Joy told Jimmy it was a miracle Kricketot had survived but injuries would take 2 months to heal. Jimmy asked Kricketot if in 2 months he would like to battle Kricketot slightly nodded his head saying yes.

    So two months later Jimmy met Kricketot who was fully healed. They met near the forest for their battle. And both sides seemed ready. It was time to get this battle started!

    Firstly Jimmy considered Kricketot's type Bug. Jimmy decided to use Pidgeot since it was strong against Bug (also he thought Fire would be to strong for it since it might damage it to much) so firstly Jimmy said “Pidgeot, come on out” as he threw the pokeball and saw the flying bird come out. “Use Gust quickly ” Jimmy then watched as Pidgeot used gust which blew lots of leaves off the ground and blew Kricketot up to. But Kricketot used String shot and caught Pidgeot's right wing making only able to half fly. This was a problem and also that Kricketot was hanging on to the String Shot made it more difficult. The battle just heated up.

    “Pidgeot now use Wing attack and get the String Shot off of you” and Pidgeot jolted down with its right wing still with the String Shot on caught Kricketot doing a tone of damage and the string fell off as Pidgeot flew away. Kricketot however was quick to respond and used Uproar making a terrible noise which hurt Pidgeot just as much . “Pidgeot quick Attack before it distracts you so much that you cant see” Pidgeot swooped down much faster than before and both of them seemed to be hut as much as each other. Jimmy knew this was his big chance and got a pokeball from his bag threw it and saw it shaking before it finally stopped and...



    Characters : 3584
    Needed Characters:3-5k
    Pokemon trying to catch:Kricketot (Easiest)

  2. #2
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    In the cardboard box in front
    Posts
    1,920
    Blog Entries
    57
    Follow Felly On Twitter
    Follow Felly on Tumblr

    Default Re: Kricketot's Close Call

    Mine~

    I need to grade more than one thing a month anyway. xD


    URPG Grader, Ranger, Official, & Referee
    URPG Stats || Petalburg Woods

  3. #3
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    In the cardboard box in front
    Posts
    1,920
    Blog Entries
    57
    Follow Felly On Twitter
    Follow Felly on Tumblr

    Default Re: Kricketot's Close Call

    @bestyxD;

    Introduction
    A very straightforward story, which is a-okay for a story of this rank! You get right to the point and dive right on into the action. While it's okay for the Easiest rank, it's not as okay with higher ranks. Just a bit of fair warning in case you decide to dive into things above the Easiest rank. But I don't really see any major plot issues, so I'll just leave it at that. (:

    Detail
    I think here, I would've liked to have seen descriptions of Nurse Joy and the Pokemon. You gave a brief one of Jimmy at the beginning, which is fine, but Pidgeot, Kricketot, and Nurse Joy play a role in the story too, so I feel like they could've been given brief descriptions too. While detail isn't a super big thing in Easiest ranked stories, it's always nice, and it's a nice bump to the character count too. They wouldn't even have to be super detailed descriptions either, just brief, simple descriptions that give the reader a bit of an idea as to what things look like. It's the Easiest rank, yes, so there's not too much required here, but going above and beyond is always nice, even if it's just a little bit.

    But otherwise, I got an idea of what and who Jimmy is, the Kricketot, and the Pidgeot, so all's well.

    Grammar
    Run on sentences are your major problem here. Probably your biggest issue, actually. While the story's still readable, run ons are still super annoying, so I'll just quote a couple here and give you tips on how to fix them. I don't want to get too harsh here since this is an Easiest ranked story anyways. Overall, for comma usage, I suggest this page to help you get a better idea of when to and when not to use a comma.

    Jimmy saw 2 pokemon fighting a Kricketot and a Buneary both putting a great effort.
    A comma should go after "fighting" and again after "Buneary." It basically separates the bit that Buneary and Kricketot are fighting, information that doesn't necessarily have to go in that sentence, but it's there anyway, if that makes sense. It's not overall unnecessary information, but it's something you could've put in a different sentence, but chose not to, hence why you'd need to add the commas.

    Jimmy made sure he wasn't dreaming by pinching his arm, it hurt he wasn't!.
    The comma after "arm" should either be a period or a semi-colon. Either one would work just fine as they both serve the same purpose. The point is that "Jimmy made sure ... by pinching his arm" and "it hurt" can be two stand alone sentences, and either a period or a semi-colon can make that known. Alternatively, you could also do "Jimmy made sure ... by pinching his arm, and it hurt," which would serve the exact same purpose. Regardless of which route you choose to take, however, the H in "he" would need to be capitalized.

    Other lesser errors include making numbers into letters (like typing out twelve instead of just typing 12) when they're under 100 and capitalizing the word Pokemon.

    Climax
    We have here a battle, Kricketot vs Pidgeot. One would expect it to be one sided, being that Pidgeot is a fully evolved Pokemon, and Kricketot is a basic stage Pokemon. Not to mention Pidgeot has a type advantage over Kricketot, the former being Normal/Flying type and the latter being a pure Bug type. But it wasn't too one sided, which was nice. Kricketot actually put up a fight! Smart little bug there to use String Shot on one of Pidgeot's wings. It gave Jimmy and his Pidgeot a little trouble, kept them on their toes. While it was still one sided, it could've been worse. You made the Kricketot give them a bit of trouble instead of just having Gust and Wing Attack hit and weaken Kricketot to the point of capture. Nice work!

    Conclusion
    Length stands at 3569, which is a little less than what you said, but that's okay! You're still over the 3k minimum! No problems there~ Taking everything else into account, everything's pretty much good for a story of this rank. Your grammar could use some work, but it's not too horrendous. I could still read the story, so I have no reason to get super fussy over that when it comes to giving you the final verdict.

    Hold your breath no more, Jimmy, for Kricketot is captured! Keep in mind what I've said for future stories, and I have no fear that you'll be a great writer! (:


    URPG Grader, Ranger, Official, & Referee
    URPG Stats || Petalburg Woods

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •